So I realize I haven’t been very interesting or funny lately. One big indication is that I went two weeks without posting and when I finally did…..it wasn’t that interesting.
Yeah I suck…..sorry.
Honestly, it could be worse. I could bore you with the mundane daily activities that have consumed my life. Do you really want that? No. I did not think so.
This past Saturday, Roommate, Sarah and I volunteered at the Chicago Abused Women’s Coalition’s (CAWC) Visions of Chocolate. This black tie event raised money for the CAWC to keep doing all the good work it does, and gave really rich and well dressed people (and even us) an excuse to eat 4 yrs worth of chocolate.
Well by the end we were stuff, wired on sugar and caffeine and in really goofy moods. Stephanie was not helping the situation as she was being brutally honest, sarcastic, funny and loud (aka..me in 15 yrs).
For example: We would see a cute guy and she would point blank ask him if he was A) Straight and B) single.
So she’s telling us how one of the board members is a state’s attorney and he always brings police officers to the event.
Stephanie: “Yeah so there’s at least one cop here.”
Me: “oh, I want to date a cop before I get married.”
Steph: “Really?”
Me: “Yeah two words, UNIFORM & HANDCUFFS!”
So as we’re all laughing Stephanie CALLS THE COP OVER!!! The whole time he is there I am trying not to laugh. I mean come on…..we just got making a dirty sex joke about what the guy could do with his “club” and cuffs and she calls him over.
Sadly, the officer seemed a little shy or at the very least intimidated by four beautiful women with big mouths.
Not to be completely random…..BUT….
Last night I feel asleep on the couch. Sometime between last night at 11:30 and this morning at 6:30 I managed to get up, take my contact out, wash my face and brush the teeth and get into bed.
Apparently, I also felt the need to drag the couch pillow to bed with me, and not the little side pillow…NOPE the big back pillow. I was all snuggled up to it when I woke up. I hope I didn’t take advantage of it….and used protection.
Changing the Channel…………..
Waking up next to a strange pillow reminded me of the time I was convinced Chris’ apartment was going to get broken into.
I was staying there b/c my freshman roommate’s (NOT current roommate) boyfriend was in for the weekend…and honestly….I did not want to wake up to them having sex again. Anyway, Chris was gone for some away game and I was all alone in the apartment. About 11:30 I heard noises, figured it was someone coming to pillage me and so I did what anyone else would do. I grabbed my lacrosse stick and one of his hockey sticks and went back to bed.
Sometime later I felt something moving next to me and then touch my back. Without hesitating I whipped around and hit the person/thing/space alien very very hard with the lacrosse stick. It grabbed the stick and before I could wield my hockey stick of pain the thing cried out, “JOANIE!!! IT’S ME!”
Then the lights went on and I saw lying in bed holding his stomach and the stick was Chris. There was a bright red mark across his naked tummy…and it did not look pleasant.
In my defense WHO the hell lurks into their apartment at night. He used some lame excuse like he knew I wasn’t feeling well and didn’t want to wake me.
The stick left a bad mark….we’re talking someone asked if he had gotten it in the game that night.
And you know how men are. They get sick or hurt with the smallest thing and its like they have Ebola. So for the next could of days it was “oh my stomach hurts.” “Don’t hit me there.” Blah blah blah.
Come on…..you play college hockey. I am sure my little whack with the lacrosse stick isn’t as bad as a 230 lb man on skates throwing all their body weight into you.
(Is it bad I went straight from talking about the CAWC to talking about abusing my boyfriend???)
Now for something completely different……
If you live in the NYC area please be on the lookout for two 24 year old men wearing Red Wings Jersey and threatening to jump off the Empire State Building.
If you live in the Denver area, please be on the lookout for a very well dressed metrosexual male with a red wings sticker on his BMW who might be five seconds from driving off a mountain.
The Wings were eliminated last night and my friends are not handling it to well. This is a very low blow since their demi-god Steve Yzerman will probably be retiring at the end of the year (which is now) and they wanted him to go out on a cup.
And finally…..
My boss informed me today that yesterday I looked like shit.
I told him yesterday I had a terrible headache and was dead tired.
I have yet to tell him I could care less about baseball or his friend’s sexual escapades. B/c really….if I’m not getting any……..I do NOT want to hear about a 45 yr old divorcee getting any.
One more thing…………
I need to make a new work play list……I caught myself listening to “Let’s Talk About Sex” by Salt n’ Pepa and then “Just a Lil bit” by Brett’s Homeslice Fiddy.
~~This bit of ADD entry brought to you by my Diet Coke addiction and the Kelly Clarkson playlist.
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