I just learned that yet ANOTHER one of my friends is engaged. Apparently this marriage thing is catching on faster then Herpes in a frat house.
So it’s looking like the six weddings I went to this year will be top by the eight I will have next year. Yes, I said eight.
Over the weekend a friend and I were talking about this trend. I mentioned that I’m going to have to take a loan out just to pay for wedding gifts.
You know how we all have that one friend that you love to death, but sometimes you want to hold a pillow over her head until she stops breathing??? Well that’s Kayla’s and mine friend Jamie…and now she’s apparently getting married.
Jamie called me last night to inform me of the good news. Jamie is marrying a boy from Napa Valley, so the wedding is going to be on a vineyard in California. Nice!!!
The fun part of this phone call was that Jamie called everyone in her phone book at 11:00 p.m., you know…1:00 a.m. my time. Thanks JAMS!!
To know Jamie is to love her, and I say this b/c I am about to really make fun of her perky and positiveness. So I have to be nice before I completely rip her a new one. (kinda kidding??) Read Jamie’s parts like you’re coked up on speed and happy pills, b/c that’s how she sounds.
Jamie: “So, I was thinking about guest lists and stuff and you are totally invited!”
Me: “Well, I would hope so! You’re calling me at 1:00 to tell me, to not invite me would be mean.”
J: “Oh you’ve always been so funny!! Anyway, I was thinking. You should totally not bring a date b/c Peter has like a million single friends and we can play matchmaker. You know me, I don’t know if a lot of the girls will show up, but my plan is to stick you and Kim at a table with all guys. It will be great. I will make sure we prescreen them and you’ll love it. A bunch of football loving mudgy boys. I’ll put as many Irish and Catholic boys in the mix to assure we find a suitable one, b/c you know what my mom says about all of that. It’s just really hard to mix religions and plus you would have such a pretty Catholic wedding. I’ve seen the church you go to remember when my sister lived in Chicago. She went St. Clement and…..”
Me: “JAMIE!!! BREATH!!!!!! Ok, so you have me married now. I mean what if I am dating someone.”
J: laughing. Yes the bitch was laughing. “oh honey, I didn’t mean it that way. I just meant that we’re getting married in June. Yeah I know fast wedding, but I highly doubt you’ll find someone serious by then. Anyway, so I can’t make you a bridesmaid b/c I have to many sisters and friends and such, but I want you to do a reading and I was thinking about the love is patient one. Now as far as colors go I was thinking that all the readers could wear matching……..”
I might have fallen asleep on the phone. I love her, but she’s a little out of it. She might have been high. No, that’s just Jamie.
It’s funny b/c I don’t think I’ve talked to Jamie in over a year. I love her, but the call and the rambling was a little crazy.
In deep contract was the call from Kayla this morning.
“Did you talk to Jamie??? Has she finally lost it.”
M: “Did she tell you about her idea and my boy table.”
K: “Yeah………um. I MIGHT have had something to do with that. I jokingly told her that with all these weddings and all your friends being in relationships…..well, that you sit at home with your cat watching beaches and crying most nights.”
M: “Why would you do that?”
K: “B/c she was annoying me and kept talking. SO I figured if she called you I would be left alone.”
M: “I hate you.”
K: “Awww…poor baby.”
~~Yeah, K is a bitch. But joke is on her. I called Jamie this afternoon to tell her that Kayla was just trying to hide the fact that she was knocked up and would be to preggers to come to the wedding.
As of 2:00 this afternoon, Kayla has had 3 phone calls from Jamie. One call was about reputable adoption agencies in Colorado. Yeah NO ONE thinks Kayla should have kids. .
Ahh friendship, when torturing someone is just a way of showing them that you care.
Monday, December 18, 2006
Wednesday, December 06, 2006
An Adult Letter to Santa
Dear Santa,
Remember me? I thought you would. I know it’s been a while, but I have decided to try my hand at you again. Don’t worry; I’ve gotten over the fact that when I was three and wanted a puppy you gave me some ugly ass sweater. I can even forgive you for that whole divorce thing when I was five even though I asked for a pony.
However, this year is really important. These are things I NEED to be accepted by the cool kids and make it so I can have some joy in my sad little life.
1) BEARS vs Packers Ticket!!! COME ON!!! WHO DO I HAVE TO SLEEP WITH TO GET THESE THINGS!!!!!!!!! I have asked a million people, and you’re my last hope. It would mean a lot AND make up for the fact my birthday is going to inevitably suck.
2) A Pink iPod. I am the only one at the gym who still uses a diskman. I can see all the other girls and boys looking at me and snickering. “Hey Cassy, check out the LOOOOOOOSER with no iPod.” “Oh. My. God. Greta!! I can not believe they let her join the ultra cool LPAC!!! Come on, let’s go purge.” If I want Cassy and Greta to be my friends I need a THUPER cute iPod that will strap to my arm while I run too fast on the treadmill!!
3) Tall men. No really, is there something wrong with the water in Chicago? Is there a reason that all the straight single guys out there are so little? OK maybe it’s me, I’m spoiled. But the shortest guy I ever dated was 5’11. I like big mudgy trees apparently. I have yet to meet a single, straight, tall and mudgy boy in this city….and it makes me sad. As of now, it’s looking like I am going to have to import someone from out of state or country!! (Canada possibly????)
Ok, it’s kind of sad that I can really only come up with three things. I mean I started this stupid list days ago, but wanted more funny and witty present. However, apparently alls I want for Christmas are football, pink stuff and sex.
Even sadder is that I would forgo the latter two for the football.
Are you listening Santa??? Or has all the fat gone to your ears. Look, I realize that Christmas is more then just gifts, but you’re the one who turned December 25th into a materialistic whorehouse. So let those whore’s lose on me!!!!!!!
Wait, I don’t think that came out right……..
Love,
Joanie
P.S.: Still waiting on that pony.
Remember me? I thought you would. I know it’s been a while, but I have decided to try my hand at you again. Don’t worry; I’ve gotten over the fact that when I was three and wanted a puppy you gave me some ugly ass sweater. I can even forgive you for that whole divorce thing when I was five even though I asked for a pony.
However, this year is really important. These are things I NEED to be accepted by the cool kids and make it so I can have some joy in my sad little life.
1) BEARS vs Packers Ticket!!! COME ON!!! WHO DO I HAVE TO SLEEP WITH TO GET THESE THINGS!!!!!!!!! I have asked a million people, and you’re my last hope. It would mean a lot AND make up for the fact my birthday is going to inevitably suck.
2) A Pink iPod. I am the only one at the gym who still uses a diskman. I can see all the other girls and boys looking at me and snickering. “Hey Cassy, check out the LOOOOOOOSER with no iPod.” “Oh. My. God. Greta!! I can not believe they let her join the ultra cool LPAC!!! Come on, let’s go purge.” If I want Cassy and Greta to be my friends I need a THUPER cute iPod that will strap to my arm while I run too fast on the treadmill!!
3) Tall men. No really, is there something wrong with the water in Chicago? Is there a reason that all the straight single guys out there are so little? OK maybe it’s me, I’m spoiled. But the shortest guy I ever dated was 5’11. I like big mudgy trees apparently. I have yet to meet a single, straight, tall and mudgy boy in this city….and it makes me sad. As of now, it’s looking like I am going to have to import someone from out of state or country!! (Canada possibly????)
Ok, it’s kind of sad that I can really only come up with three things. I mean I started this stupid list days ago, but wanted more funny and witty present. However, apparently alls I want for Christmas are football, pink stuff and sex.
Even sadder is that I would forgo the latter two for the football.
Are you listening Santa??? Or has all the fat gone to your ears. Look, I realize that Christmas is more then just gifts, but you’re the one who turned December 25th into a materialistic whorehouse. So let those whore’s lose on me!!!!!!!
Wait, I don’t think that came out right……..
Love,
Joanie
P.S.: Still waiting on that pony.
Monday, December 04, 2006
Birthday Memories
My 25th birthday is in 24 days. What sucks most about my birthday is that its three days after Christmas and no one is ever really around. (Except for a certain few people who have helped me make the best out of the day!!)
What also sucks about it is that I am sick about 98% of the time. I have spent the majority of my birthdays on medication for some illness (strep throat seems to be the most popular) and even have spent about ¼ of them in the hospital.
My junior year of college birthday is the most recent hospital bound one. I was about to turn 21 and instead of gearing up for my birthday; I was in the pediatrics unit at Good Samaritan Hospital. At one point a little boy came in my room to tell me I was to old to be in the kids rooms.
Anyway, that birthday was uneventful since most of my home friends were younger then 21, my older 21 friends were in Michigan or other places and I was doped up on medication. No bar hopping for my twenty-first birthday! There were a couple other things that made it crappy, but we’ll leave that alone.
The fun came when I got back to State. My friends threw a dinner and bar experience for me, and Brett even got me an extra special surprise.
B: “well J, we all know how much you like flowers and how that ass never gets you any. So I wanted to get you some extra special flowers for your birthday. They’re no roses, but I think you will love them.”
Then be brings out these flower shaped things. Turned out he had someone widdle flowers out of POTATOES!!! They were then stuck in sticks and put in a vase made from a Parrot Bay bottle.
It was hysterical.
Anyway, we all ate some pizza and then went out boozing until the bars closed. Upon returning home to Kayla’s (so drunk I think Chad piggy backed me home) we decided to get food.
Apparently I had the amazing idea to cook the potato flowers. So I took them out of the Parrot Bay and stuck them in the microwave.
I then proceeded to poke everyone with the sticks. Meanwhile, Matt was filling water balloons and throwing them at people walking by the house.
In the middle of a Michigan January….a/k/a -5000 degrees!!!
I don’t really remember anything past that. I just remember that when I woke up the next morning, not only was I sleeping in a bed with 3 other people BUT there were potato remnants EVERYWHERE!!!!
No one really knows what happened, alls we know is that the potatoes cooked a little too long and possibly exploded. Then Tommy took them out of the microwave all deformed and when I saw them I got sad and said “You killed my potatoes.”
Apparently this was Tommy’s cue to start throwing the dead potato flowers all over the house.
Kayla was a tad pissed in the morning b/c her house was trashed. I was pissed b/c my potatoes were dead.
Yes….we’re a mature lot.
What also sucks about it is that I am sick about 98% of the time. I have spent the majority of my birthdays on medication for some illness (strep throat seems to be the most popular) and even have spent about ¼ of them in the hospital.
My junior year of college birthday is the most recent hospital bound one. I was about to turn 21 and instead of gearing up for my birthday; I was in the pediatrics unit at Good Samaritan Hospital. At one point a little boy came in my room to tell me I was to old to be in the kids rooms.
Anyway, that birthday was uneventful since most of my home friends were younger then 21, my older 21 friends were in Michigan or other places and I was doped up on medication. No bar hopping for my twenty-first birthday! There were a couple other things that made it crappy, but we’ll leave that alone.
The fun came when I got back to State. My friends threw a dinner and bar experience for me, and Brett even got me an extra special surprise.
B: “well J, we all know how much you like flowers and how that ass never gets you any. So I wanted to get you some extra special flowers for your birthday. They’re no roses, but I think you will love them.”
Then be brings out these flower shaped things. Turned out he had someone widdle flowers out of POTATOES!!! They were then stuck in sticks and put in a vase made from a Parrot Bay bottle.
It was hysterical.
Anyway, we all ate some pizza and then went out boozing until the bars closed. Upon returning home to Kayla’s (so drunk I think Chad piggy backed me home) we decided to get food.
Apparently I had the amazing idea to cook the potato flowers. So I took them out of the Parrot Bay and stuck them in the microwave.
I then proceeded to poke everyone with the sticks. Meanwhile, Matt was filling water balloons and throwing them at people walking by the house.
In the middle of a Michigan January….a/k/a -5000 degrees!!!
I don’t really remember anything past that. I just remember that when I woke up the next morning, not only was I sleeping in a bed with 3 other people BUT there were potato remnants EVERYWHERE!!!!
No one really knows what happened, alls we know is that the potatoes cooked a little too long and possibly exploded. Then Tommy took them out of the microwave all deformed and when I saw them I got sad and said “You killed my potatoes.”
Apparently this was Tommy’s cue to start throwing the dead potato flowers all over the house.
Kayla was a tad pissed in the morning b/c her house was trashed. I was pissed b/c my potatoes were dead.
Yes….we’re a mature lot.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)