Is it a kid or a midget?

Roommate, Sarah, Katherine and I all went to the White Sox game last Sunday. It was a great game. Not only were there back to back homers TWICE, hot sox players, and good hotdogs….but sitting behind me was midget baseball guru.

Ok fin, he wasn’t really a midget so much as a 4 year old, but he was a guru. The kid knew EVERYTHING about the Chicago White Sox. I asked him who his favorite players were and he rattled off (perfectly) three very hard to pronounce and spell names. He also said when he was ONLY 3 he went to the World Series.

He was ADORABLE!!! The little guy even took it upon himself to teach Roommate and I some things about baseball and White Sox history. We would ask questions and get this “I can’t believe you don’t know this” look.

When things would happen throughout the game he would tap me on the shoulder (which I could barely feel) and let us know what just happened. After the 5th time his dad went to tell him to stop and the little guy responded: “but daaaaad, the Gurrlzzz need to know what’s going on. They’re my friends.” I let daaaaad know that the gurrlzzzz didn’t mind the help.

I’m still convinced he was a midget and not a four year old. He was really cute. Looked a lot like this kid (minus the sign langauge):

Everyone says this is my future kid. Whatever
that's such a lie. We all know my kid would be
in Spartan attire when he did this charming thing!

After relating the story to my mom she said I was a lot like that at 2, but I repeated everything I heard from my uncles. Which meant I was giving the football stats with the f word sporadically placed sentences.

Chris was like this at that age but with hockey. For his 22nd Birthday his mom sent down a video for us to play at his party. It showed 4 year old Chris in his Maple Leafs Jersey rattling off hockey scores, facts, stats, etc. Which was a lot like this Sox kid, but with hockey and a Canadian accent. EH?

Oh and apparently it’s a bad idea to ask a 4 yr old (possible midget) Sox fan if he likes the cubs too. The kid looked like I kicked him and then said (in a voice like he was being beaten) NOOOOOOOOOO! THE CUBS SUCK!

One Man's Skim Milk Is Another's Jug O' Wine

My mom just called and informed me that my aunt who is hosting Easter would like me to bring an appetizer to Easter Dinner. I guess being out of college and having a job requires me to now bring crap to family get together.

I find it odd that she would want me to bring an appetizer. We always have so many appetizers at these holidays. The only thing we have more of is pies. (My mom is obsessed with Baker’s Square Pies…she brings them to EVERYTHING!)

What my aunt should really be asking me to bring is alcohol, preferably hard liquor, and some sort of mood altering drug. Honestly, we can not go more then one hour without someone getting into it with someone else. Yes, my family holidays are THAT fun.

If I had my way the mood altering drugs would be handed out at the door. I will even volunteer to take people’s coats and hand them the pills.

Unfortunately, this is not something my family has agreed to yet and so I will have to self medicate. My Uncle Tom always brings his own gallon of skim milk to holidays (apparently afraid of rapid bone loss,) keeps it by his feet and drinks it throughout the event. I am going to do the same thing, but with wine.

Sometime during the experience my uncle will make fun of my sister for being a vegetarian. As soon as the comment is out of his mouth he will laugh like it’s the funniest damn thing in the world. She’s been a vegetarian for six years, the jokes are getting old.

Knowing my sister is a vegetarian my aunt will ensure that there is meat in almost everything there could be meet in; ham in the scalloped potatoes, bacon in the salad, appetizers made from meat. Allie’s Easter dinner would consist of rolls, carrots and celery if my mom did not anticipate this and bring vegetarian lasagna. Allie MUST get to the meal line first or my grandfather and cousin will eat the whole vegetarian thing before she gets there.

I get to share in this joy as mushrooms are put in everything possible due to the fact I hate them. I don’t know if my family does this on purpose or if they really did smoke that much crack in their developmental years.

By the time dinner is over we will realize that regardless of the fact my aunt nagged for two weeks for a head count of everyone coming, she will still have maid enough ham and turkey to feed a small country.

My one cousin will have already stormed up to his room in an angst teenage rage. (Poor kid has an HDTV, xbox, play station, etc in his room. His clothes are more expensive then what I pay in rent. It must be soooooooooooo hard for him.) Normally he doesn’t even show up to holidays anymore, but this is will be held at his house. My aunt says he’s “sick.” Deej and I have decided that he either has the world’s worst immune system or by sick she means high.

While we are preparing desert (the 1000000 pies all brought by my mother) my aunts will grill me on my personal life. Basically they want to know if I am dating anyone and how much money he makes. I haven’t decided yet if I am going to tell them the truth or lie. I guess it all depends on how much of the wine I have drank by that time.

While this is all going on my baby cousin (3 years old) will be trying to do little kid stuff like walk up and down the step separating the living room and kitchen, play with the cats, eat things off the floor. However, he will only get to do those things once before his parents see and freak out. They treat him like he’s the boy in the bubble. However, he has an immune system.

And he doesn’t get the fun bubble. I should get him a bubble for Easter.
"LOOK RILEY!!!! The Easter Bunny brought you your own personal hell."

By the end of the night I’ll be buzzed, my cousin high, my uncles fighting and my grandfather will be given a plate full of leftovers that could feed him for a week.

He’ll eat them all the minute my mom gets him home; including the plate full of sugary deserts. Apparently they are good for his DIABETES.

For most families Easter is a time for celebrating the resurrection of Jesus Christ, for me is a warning to being two bottles of wine to Christmas.

Idiots.....Phone Home

Gwyneth Paltrow had her baby, and it’s a boy. Sadly she did not go with the names sauce or pie as Erica and I were hoping. No she went with Moses.

Me: “Gwyneth Paltrow had her baby, she named it Moses”
Erica: “Is she planning on floating this one down a river when she gets sick of it”
Me: “He would be handy in a flood.”

Ok, I realize that Moses isn’t as weird as naming your kid after produce, but what ever happened to naming kids Chris and Sarah?

Sometimes I think people try to hard to be cool when naming children. Jason Lee named his son Pilot Inspector. Yeah. I know.

Here’s my advice, you want to name your kid something stupid…..get a dog, name the dog Luffa Bell, and name your daughter Laura.

Roommate’s ex-boyfriend used to say he wanted to name his son Elliot. Now, on its own Elliot isn’t a bad name. However, around anyone alive during the E.T. era it spells disaster. Especially if roommate was the mother, b/c she would be making fun of the kid.

Roommate: (in E.T. voice) EEELLLLIIIOOOTTTT!!! (In normal voice) Dinner is ready.
Me: ELLLLIIIOOOTTTT, please pass the potatoes.
Elliot: do you two have to do that?
Roommate: do what? ELLLIIIIOOOOTTTT.

Sometimes I wonder what I will name my kids. I like Abby, Hanna and Haley for girls and Aidan, Ryan and Andrew for boys. However, if I were to name the children something “original” I would name the twins Law & Order and the other kid Potato.

In other news:

My mortgage contact at Country Wide Home Loans came by and brought us mugs filled with candy. I only got two (2) red starbursts. So I took all my other candy and all the other starburst colors,…..went to the three other desks in the office….dumped out their mugs…took all their red starbursts and left my reject candy.

It’s the little things in life that make me happy.

Prison Orange Makes Me Look Ill

Last night I worked a college night at a local high school. I was there all spiffy and to give kids information on going to MSU.

The night went pretty smoothly. Its nice being there b/c I am a lot closer in age to these kids then the other reps from MSU are (I’m 24 and the closest one to my age is about 35.) It’s fun talking to different people and sharing with them why I loved State and everything State has to offer.

At one point in time I was talking to this girl, her twin brother and his best friend. We started with academics (the girl wanted teaching or human service…which I know A LOT about…the boys wanted engineering…so I was at a loss with them) but then got on the topic of sports. Cue the next 15 minutes lost to football and basketball talk, and how great watching sports at State is. I even had pictures with me of my friends and me in the IZZONE, at football games and in the slapshots. Those three left very excited.

So as I am packing up two guys came to the table and starting asking questions. One kid looked like he was about 13. The other looked about 25. He was about 6 feet tall, built, scruffy face and a real cutie. However, he was only 17 and a junior!!! This is how people get in trouble.

The conversation started off all normal and innocent enough, but then took and interesting turn.

Me: “Is there anything else I can help you guys with?”
25 yr old look alike: “How long have you been at state?”
Me: “Oh, I graduated two years ago.”
Other kid: “Really, you’re very young looking.”
M: “Um, thanks.”
25yola: “yeah, so do you live around here.”
M: “I live in Chicago. Its nice b/c there are a lot of State Alum in the city.”
25yola: “That’s nice. So are all the girls at MSU as pretty as you are?”
M: blushing a bit. “Um, any other COLLEGE related questions I can help you with?”
25yola: “Not right now, but can I have your phone number so I can call you when I do have some?”
Me: “You know, we have a website that can answer most of your questions. Anything outside you can email Ron over here with!”

25yola takes my hand to shake it and does that hold onto it with both hands thing, then he WINKS AT ME!

OK, was I just hit on by high school students???? B/c seriously, what were they thinking!!!! MAAAYYYBBBEE if I was still in college and BRAIN DEAD I would go out with a kid still in high school? He’s Nicole’s brother’s age!! It would be like dating Ross. (Whom I love…but not like that) ick…ick…ICK!!!

Earth to 25yola I was in 2nd grade when you were born. I was in the beginnings of puberty before you were potty trained!! I was driving before you learned that your real best friend was your right hand!!!

COME ON!!!! DO I look like Mary Kay Laturno??? NO!

Oh well, you’ve got to give the kid something, he sure does have some balls.

Sammiches gooooooooood......

I was riding on the over cramped purple line yesterday on my way home from work. Being sammiched between one very tall attractive guy and a shorter attractive guy sounds like a lot of fun, but when your nose is about 2 millimeters away from their chest…its kinda of awkward. Thinking this couldn’t get anymore uncomfortable, my phone rings and I have to get into my pocket with my right hand (my right arm is being smashed by these two teenagers making out….yes…making out….on the crowded L!!!) Halfway through the MSU fight song (my ring tone) I finally answer the phone.

Me: “K?”
Kayla: “Yeah, hey…why are you whispering?”
M: “I’m on the L and don’t want to be loud, why are you whispering,”
K: “B/c you were….oh never mind.”

~the conversation isn’t to interesting from here on out. We talk about getting Red Wings and Pistons playoff tickets and such. Then we go onto how the weekend was and finally the gossip hits. As we get to this lovely topic I am walking off the L and down the stairs. I have previously mentioned (about 5 secs before) the name of the girl I was talking about.

M: “Yeah, and I don’t know. She’s kinda stuck up and a bitch and not the fun kind of bitch like you, me and roommate.”

~as I say this I notice that two people in front of me is Ken (named changed to protect me). Ken would be a really good friend of this girl’s roommate.

M: “No, Kayla! We’re not talking about June (again, protecting me) anymore. We left that topic about 5 minutes ago. I was talking about Chrissie.
K: “What are you talking about?”
M: “You said that you ran into Chrissie and I was commenting on her being a bitch.”
K: ”I don’t even know a Chrissie. What the HELL are you going on about?”
M: “You’re right, at least I don’t have to see her anymore.”
K: “Ok, can you fill me in on the conversation you and the voices are having?”
M: “So, do you guys want to come up for the Sox / Tigers game this summer?”
K: “Joanie?? Were you smoking crack again?”

~Finally, Ken turns down his street and I am no longer behind him. I have to explain to Kayla about what just happened and why I was acting all nutty.

Ok, this really serves me right. I should NOT be talking about these people and using actual names knowing that they or their friends live by.

I can just imagine the get together.

M: “Hey, June. Do you want a drink?”
J: “So you think I’m a bitch and stuck up.”
M: “WHAT? NO! Who told you that?”
J: “Ken did.”
M: “Please. Ken? You’re going to take his word over mine?”
~~blank stare
J: “Yes! I am not a bitch. You are just jealous b/c I look like I haven’t eaten in three weeks, have a boyfriend I control like a lap dog and am better then you in all ways. Now if you will excuse me….. I have to go tell my boyfriend not to eat that cocktail weenie.”

Ok the last comment was kind of harsh, but when someone wears a bathing suit and looks like a refuge from the Irish Potato Famine….something needs to be said. PLUS she is a bitch and stuck up, and really....I have no idea why.