Oh so much has happened in the past couple of days, but I think the very best story had to occur Saturday, November 17th.

I should probably back up just a little bit and let you know that I am now a Surprise Party Representative. What is a surprise Party you ask? Well it is a home party for women. I bring fun lotions, toys and other fun love stuff. It’s like Tupperware, but a hell of a lot more fun.

Anyway, after my party on Saturday I was really tired and put the “toys” away without taking their batteries out. Of course when I put the demo bin into the car a couple of the toys went off. I, however, did not realize this until after I was driving down the street, but I figured I would just wait until I got to the gas station to do anything.

There was NO ONE on the road when I was driving to I opted to take an illegal U turn. Once I completed said U Turn a Westmont Police Officer was right behind me, pulling me over.

Officer: “License and Registration please.”
Me: “ok”
Office: “ma’am….do you know U Turns are illegal?”

~~slighting buzzing heard in the background…..starts to get louder~~

Me: “Sorry officer.”
O: “Ma’am what is that noise?”

I turn slightly red and being to explain….

“Well, sir…I am a Surprise Party Representative..” I give him my card. “And I sell lotions and fun love toys. Basically, that noise is the vibrators banging against each other and the bin they’re in. I was lazy and forgot to take out the batteries before I put them away.”
Officer: “Um…..ok. Well, I am going to have to check that out. Can you please step out of the vehicle and open the bin making the noise.”

So I get out of the car, open the trunk and proceed to show the officer that the noise is in fact the vibrators and NOT a bomb.”

After dealing with a little blushing, the officer lets me go with a warning and tells me to remember to take the batters out next time. I tell him to pass his car along to his wife or girlfriend.

Oh…it gets better.

So I get to the gas station and while the gas is pumping I am taking the batteries out of the toys. I get all the batteries out and go to put the bin back in the car.

Well, apparently I forgot to put the latch on correctly and the top of the bin opened and penis mints, penis gummies, books on erotic massage (with pictures) and other fun things fell.
As I was picking everything up I noticed that the guy behind me seemed very interested in what I was putting away…..So I handed the lady in his car my card!!!

Basically that weekend taught me to take the batteries out of the toys before I put them away no matter how lazy I am, and make sure all latches are secured before moving a bin.

Fun times….fuuuuuuuuuuuuuuun times…………..

~~if anyone reading this would like to Host a Surpirse Party, feel free to email me at joanie.surprise.party@gmail.com. The parties are for WOMEN only and you must be over 18 years old.

My bad.....

I’ve been kind of busy recently. My sister had surgery to remove her appendix, and that kind had my mom and I running in circles.

I took Allie to the emergency room on Sunday night thinking she had food poisoning. My mom got there and I went home to finish my homework. The next morning at 5:30 a.m. I got the call from my mom that Allie was in the hospital and would be having surgery later that day.

What my mom needed me to do was come to the hospital, get her keys, move her car, walk Sophie (Allie’s dog) and come back to the hospital. I did all things like a good little girl.

However, there was one snag. When I got to my sister’s condo the key my mom gave me wouldn’t work. I called my mom and she said to use the pliers under the rug to bang it in and turn it.

“Mom, aren’t you afraid this will break in the lock?”

“No, I do it all the time.”


………………..the key broke in the lock. I called the lock smith and he told me he couldn’t come for 4 hours and it would cost about $600.00.

Well, I couldn’t wait because the poor dog had been locked up for over 12 hours and you could hear her crying from inside the condo.

Now before I go on, let me just say I was stressed and worried about my sister AND my mind wasn’t working very well.

Ok back to the lock problem. Anyway, I didn’t know what else to do. So I lowered my shoulder and pushed against the door. I kept doing this until I broke the door in.

Yes, I broke the door.

Now let me just say that the previous owners had done the same thing, so the door frame was pretty jacked up, but none the less once I did it was I like “oh shit, my mom is going to kill me.”

I didn’t tell my mom; instead I called my friends to help me. Thank God for Kate and Dale who came over and helped. Dale fixed the door frame so it would lock and we bought a new deadbolt.

Lesson here is….NEVER listen to my mom about keys and pliers. Also, I have a bruise on my right shoulder and it kind of hurts.

More Craig's Lise Loosers........

I had a lot of schoolwork to get done this weekend and I was feeling kind of sick, so nothing to exciting happened to me. What that means is that I don’t have anything witty to report on.


However, not wanting to let anyone down (b/c I know you kids thrive on this shit) here is another addition of Craig’s List Losers…….


seeking for my soul! – 28
I AM VERY RESPONSIBLE, I AM LOVING , CARING, DEPENDABLE, PASSIONATE, I AM REALISTIC I SEE LIFE AS IT COMES I LIKE TO TAKE A DETERMANATION, ENJOY EVERY MOMENT OF LIFE, I LOVE TO LIFE LIFE TO THE FULLEST, BUT JUST MISSING THAT SPECIAL SOMEONE TO FILL MY HEART, I HAVE BEEN THROUGH ALOT AND ALSO BEEN HURT SO I KNOW STILL HOW TO FACE LIFE STRONG AND FACE THE THINGS AS THEY COME SO IF YOU DID IT I HAVE BEEN THROUGH THAT, JUST BE SINCERE SINCE THE BEGINING, IF YOU ARE SERIOUS LOOKING FOR A SERIOUS RELATIONSHIP,READY TO BE DETERMINE THEN HOWLER BABY!!! SERIOUS DATING, POSSIBLE LONG TERM

Wow, someone was a little hopped up on something when they write this. Was it really necessary to use ALL caps? Why are you yelling? Also, I notice that the love affair started after you wrote the title. Speaking of the title, um does it remind anyone else of something that could be an episode of Charmed? Seeking for my soul? OK, right. This is also the longest run on sentence, and it doesn’t make much sense. However, if you like this add…don’t forget to HOWLER at cha boy.


Looking for a woman to share good times...and more - 38
Heyy Are you there ?..lol.....I am 38 East Indian descent -....well settled......looking for a friend first...you must be below 32 - East Indian - Caucasian - or a wheatish Afro-Am.......must have gone beyond High School....should make good conversation.......We will go out to nice reataurants, concerts, movies....generally have a good time......and go form there.......I am looking for a NO DRAMA ...cool..no pressure relationship ...which is beautiful for both of us.......email me your details....your pix gets mine...:D

Your first sentence wasn’t funny, don’t “lol” it.

I can overlook the “below 32” because I can figure he means younger and not colder, but when he says he wants a “wheatish Afro Am,” I wonder if he wants someone light skinned or someone you could make a sammich on. I keep reading this and hearing Borat’s voice in my head. “Want wheatish woman….VERY NICE.” (it’s not funny if you haven’t see the movie…..sorry.)


Intelligent, Manly 33WM seeks Woman 50+ - 33
I once had a relationship with a woman in her 50s. I miss the intellectual and sensual excitement of involvement with a woman who isn't timid or apologetic for enjoying a youthful man. I don't know if you're out there, but if you're over 50 and enjoy the company of younger men, please drop me a line. Thanks!

SOMEONE has mommy issues!!! That or he just saw the graduate one to many times. ” And here’s to you Mrs. Robbinson…….”


LOOK FOR A GREEK-AMERICAN LADY ,FROM GREEK MAN – 49
PLEASE WRITE ME AND TALK IS BEST FISH IS HERE EYXARISTO-TY

I don’t know what this means, but I now have the sudden urge for some Saganaki. (Which is probably spelled wrong, I don’t care.)


Married guy seeks female daytime play partner - 37
wouldnt it be great to be with someone who whom you can have some little daytime escapes? i am married so I need to be discreet. I am very passionate - poetry, music, food and more. i need a little excitement in my life and would like to help you have some too.

OK, there’s nothing really funny about this post. This guy, and other likes him, are just creeps. Really! Posting on Craig’s list so you can cheat on your wife! Sick. (and women who do this are just as bad)

I always wonder though about these people. Can you imagine posting it and getting a response. You and this mystery woman swap emails for a while and then agree to meet for some afternoon delight. So you pick a day, time and hotel. Once you are there you get your key and walk to the room. You hear her in there and get excited, open the door and …………………………………IT’S YOUR WIFE!!!!!!!!!!

Now one of two things just happened. You’re both cheating bastards who will have A LOT to talk about. OR…..she caught your ass….sucker.

There was a lifetime movie like this. Some girl became a college call girl. She ended up getting some pretty high rolling johns. One day she went to the hotel and when the door opened it was her FATHER!!!!!!!!!!!!! Yeah, pretty creepy huh.

I laughed my ass off.


Does anyone know this woman? – 41
Please have her contact me if you happen to know her. I wanted to speak with her and was able to at the time. Now she is MIA on Match.com.

STALKER!!!!!! Maybe she went MIA for a reason.



~~Have any of you looked at the actual adds on Craig’s List?? Have you noticed the pictures people post? They’re worse then the actually adds.

~~In other news: Brett says I am too hard on the men, and I should equally pick on the women. I would…..if they were as cracked out. Hmmmm….let me go check.

I Still Don't Get Paid Enough For This Shit

First let me say that I LOVE GRAD SCHOOL! I really do. I will graduate and become a teacher and finally be able to do something I love and I am great at..

That being said, this 3-4 hour sleep a night shit has to end. Functioning is becoming harder and harder. So I need to get my shit together and get more sleep.

I slept two hours last night. I was doing homework (read: rewriting a 15 page paper over and over and over, and reading a terrible book) and when I looked up at the clock it said 5:00 a.m. RIGHT!!!

So anyway, I am a tad out of it. I would like to thank the lovely ladies at Starbucks who put enough espresso into my coffee to give a blue whale the shakes. It is because of you that I did not fall asleep while driving on the IKE and kill people, and why my leg won’t stop shaking.

This has also made it next to impossible to work on anything, as my mind is dead. I have been to court already to file papers and have talked to about 15 clients, but I really can’t focus more then that.

However warped my mind is, I still have the uncanny ability to be a raging asshole. Aren’t we all glad that that hasn’t been impaired?

So last week boss man took me to lunch and he kept going on and on about his wife and how she hates it every time he brings up one of our clients.

(Side note: She’s a female client. She has a cute voice, but I have never seen her. Boss man wants to set her up with one of his divorced friends.)

B: “I just don’t get why bring up her name bothers my wife so much.”

~at this point and time I had been listening to him say this for about ten minutes…..

Me: “Listen, here’s the deal. It’s because you want to set up your friend with her.”

B: “What does that have to do with anything?”

Me: “ok, here’s the deal. Men set their friends up with women they would sleep with but can’t. It’s the mentality of ‘if I can’t tap that….at least you can and toy can tell me all about it!!’”

B: “Really?”

Me: “Please, don’t play stupid with me. Yes really. So when a guy sets his friends up its like saying ‘I would totally bang this chick if I wasn’t married.’ Your wife sees this as you setting your friend up so that you can vicariously bang our client.”

B: “I think you’re onto something.”


Of course I am. I worry about the Creepy Old Men’s Club because come August 2007 I won’t be here to keep them on track.