I just learned that yet ANOTHER one of my friends is engaged. Apparently this marriage thing is catching on faster then Herpes in a frat house.
So it’s looking like the six weddings I went to this year will be top by the eight I will have next year. Yes, I said eight.
Over the weekend a friend and I were talking about this trend. I mentioned that I’m going to have to take a loan out just to pay for wedding gifts.
You know how we all have that one friend that you love to death, but sometimes you want to hold a pillow over her head until she stops breathing??? Well that’s Kayla’s and mine friend Jamie…and now she’s apparently getting married.
Jamie called me last night to inform me of the good news. Jamie is marrying a boy from Napa Valley, so the wedding is going to be on a vineyard in California. Nice!!!
The fun part of this phone call was that Jamie called everyone in her phone book at 11:00 p.m., you know…1:00 a.m. my time. Thanks JAMS!!
To know Jamie is to love her, and I say this b/c I am about to really make fun of her perky and positiveness. So I have to be nice before I completely rip her a new one. (kinda kidding??) Read Jamie’s parts like you’re coked up on speed and happy pills, b/c that’s how she sounds.
Jamie: “So, I was thinking about guest lists and stuff and you are totally invited!”
Me: “Well, I would hope so! You’re calling me at 1:00 to tell me, to not invite me would be mean.”
J: “Oh you’ve always been so funny!! Anyway, I was thinking. You should totally not bring a date b/c Peter has like a million single friends and we can play matchmaker. You know me, I don’t know if a lot of the girls will show up, but my plan is to stick you and Kim at a table with all guys. It will be great. I will make sure we prescreen them and you’ll love it. A bunch of football loving mudgy boys. I’ll put as many Irish and Catholic boys in the mix to assure we find a suitable one, b/c you know what my mom says about all of that. It’s just really hard to mix religions and plus you would have such a pretty Catholic wedding. I’ve seen the church you go to remember when my sister lived in Chicago. She went St. Clement and…..”
Me: “JAMIE!!! BREATH!!!!!! Ok, so you have me married now. I mean what if I am dating someone.”
J: laughing. Yes the bitch was laughing. “oh honey, I didn’t mean it that way. I just meant that we’re getting married in June. Yeah I know fast wedding, but I highly doubt you’ll find someone serious by then. Anyway, so I can’t make you a bridesmaid b/c I have to many sisters and friends and such, but I want you to do a reading and I was thinking about the love is patient one. Now as far as colors go I was thinking that all the readers could wear matching……..”
I might have fallen asleep on the phone. I love her, but she’s a little out of it. She might have been high. No, that’s just Jamie.
It’s funny b/c I don’t think I’ve talked to Jamie in over a year. I love her, but the call and the rambling was a little crazy.
In deep contract was the call from Kayla this morning.
“Did you talk to Jamie??? Has she finally lost it.”
M: “Did she tell you about her idea and my boy table.”
K: “Yeah………um. I MIGHT have had something to do with that. I jokingly told her that with all these weddings and all your friends being in relationships…..well, that you sit at home with your cat watching beaches and crying most nights.”
M: “Why would you do that?”
K: “B/c she was annoying me and kept talking. SO I figured if she called you I would be left alone.”
M: “I hate you.”
K: “Awww…poor baby.”
~~Yeah, K is a bitch. But joke is on her. I called Jamie this afternoon to tell her that Kayla was just trying to hide the fact that she was knocked up and would be to preggers to come to the wedding.
As of 2:00 this afternoon, Kayla has had 3 phone calls from Jamie. One call was about reputable adoption agencies in Colorado. Yeah NO ONE thinks Kayla should have kids. .
Ahh friendship, when torturing someone is just a way of showing them that you care.
Monday, December 18, 2006
Wednesday, December 06, 2006
An Adult Letter to Santa
Dear Santa,
Remember me? I thought you would. I know it’s been a while, but I have decided to try my hand at you again. Don’t worry; I’ve gotten over the fact that when I was three and wanted a puppy you gave me some ugly ass sweater. I can even forgive you for that whole divorce thing when I was five even though I asked for a pony.
However, this year is really important. These are things I NEED to be accepted by the cool kids and make it so I can have some joy in my sad little life.
1) BEARS vs Packers Ticket!!! COME ON!!! WHO DO I HAVE TO SLEEP WITH TO GET THESE THINGS!!!!!!!!! I have asked a million people, and you’re my last hope. It would mean a lot AND make up for the fact my birthday is going to inevitably suck.
2) A Pink iPod. I am the only one at the gym who still uses a diskman. I can see all the other girls and boys looking at me and snickering. “Hey Cassy, check out the LOOOOOOOSER with no iPod.” “Oh. My. God. Greta!! I can not believe they let her join the ultra cool LPAC!!! Come on, let’s go purge.” If I want Cassy and Greta to be my friends I need a THUPER cute iPod that will strap to my arm while I run too fast on the treadmill!!
3) Tall men. No really, is there something wrong with the water in Chicago? Is there a reason that all the straight single guys out there are so little? OK maybe it’s me, I’m spoiled. But the shortest guy I ever dated was 5’11. I like big mudgy trees apparently. I have yet to meet a single, straight, tall and mudgy boy in this city….and it makes me sad. As of now, it’s looking like I am going to have to import someone from out of state or country!! (Canada possibly????)
Ok, it’s kind of sad that I can really only come up with three things. I mean I started this stupid list days ago, but wanted more funny and witty present. However, apparently alls I want for Christmas are football, pink stuff and sex.
Even sadder is that I would forgo the latter two for the football.
Are you listening Santa??? Or has all the fat gone to your ears. Look, I realize that Christmas is more then just gifts, but you’re the one who turned December 25th into a materialistic whorehouse. So let those whore’s lose on me!!!!!!!
Wait, I don’t think that came out right……..
Love,
Joanie
P.S.: Still waiting on that pony.
Remember me? I thought you would. I know it’s been a while, but I have decided to try my hand at you again. Don’t worry; I’ve gotten over the fact that when I was three and wanted a puppy you gave me some ugly ass sweater. I can even forgive you for that whole divorce thing when I was five even though I asked for a pony.
However, this year is really important. These are things I NEED to be accepted by the cool kids and make it so I can have some joy in my sad little life.
1) BEARS vs Packers Ticket!!! COME ON!!! WHO DO I HAVE TO SLEEP WITH TO GET THESE THINGS!!!!!!!!! I have asked a million people, and you’re my last hope. It would mean a lot AND make up for the fact my birthday is going to inevitably suck.
2) A Pink iPod. I am the only one at the gym who still uses a diskman. I can see all the other girls and boys looking at me and snickering. “Hey Cassy, check out the LOOOOOOOSER with no iPod.” “Oh. My. God. Greta!! I can not believe they let her join the ultra cool LPAC!!! Come on, let’s go purge.” If I want Cassy and Greta to be my friends I need a THUPER cute iPod that will strap to my arm while I run too fast on the treadmill!!
3) Tall men. No really, is there something wrong with the water in Chicago? Is there a reason that all the straight single guys out there are so little? OK maybe it’s me, I’m spoiled. But the shortest guy I ever dated was 5’11. I like big mudgy trees apparently. I have yet to meet a single, straight, tall and mudgy boy in this city….and it makes me sad. As of now, it’s looking like I am going to have to import someone from out of state or country!! (Canada possibly????)
Ok, it’s kind of sad that I can really only come up with three things. I mean I started this stupid list days ago, but wanted more funny and witty present. However, apparently alls I want for Christmas are football, pink stuff and sex.
Even sadder is that I would forgo the latter two for the football.
Are you listening Santa??? Or has all the fat gone to your ears. Look, I realize that Christmas is more then just gifts, but you’re the one who turned December 25th into a materialistic whorehouse. So let those whore’s lose on me!!!!!!!
Wait, I don’t think that came out right……..
Love,
Joanie
P.S.: Still waiting on that pony.
Monday, December 04, 2006
Birthday Memories
My 25th birthday is in 24 days. What sucks most about my birthday is that its three days after Christmas and no one is ever really around. (Except for a certain few people who have helped me make the best out of the day!!)
What also sucks about it is that I am sick about 98% of the time. I have spent the majority of my birthdays on medication for some illness (strep throat seems to be the most popular) and even have spent about ¼ of them in the hospital.
My junior year of college birthday is the most recent hospital bound one. I was about to turn 21 and instead of gearing up for my birthday; I was in the pediatrics unit at Good Samaritan Hospital. At one point a little boy came in my room to tell me I was to old to be in the kids rooms.
Anyway, that birthday was uneventful since most of my home friends were younger then 21, my older 21 friends were in Michigan or other places and I was doped up on medication. No bar hopping for my twenty-first birthday! There were a couple other things that made it crappy, but we’ll leave that alone.
The fun came when I got back to State. My friends threw a dinner and bar experience for me, and Brett even got me an extra special surprise.
B: “well J, we all know how much you like flowers and how that ass never gets you any. So I wanted to get you some extra special flowers for your birthday. They’re no roses, but I think you will love them.”
Then be brings out these flower shaped things. Turned out he had someone widdle flowers out of POTATOES!!! They were then stuck in sticks and put in a vase made from a Parrot Bay bottle.
It was hysterical.
Anyway, we all ate some pizza and then went out boozing until the bars closed. Upon returning home to Kayla’s (so drunk I think Chad piggy backed me home) we decided to get food.
Apparently I had the amazing idea to cook the potato flowers. So I took them out of the Parrot Bay and stuck them in the microwave.
I then proceeded to poke everyone with the sticks. Meanwhile, Matt was filling water balloons and throwing them at people walking by the house.
In the middle of a Michigan January….a/k/a -5000 degrees!!!
I don’t really remember anything past that. I just remember that when I woke up the next morning, not only was I sleeping in a bed with 3 other people BUT there were potato remnants EVERYWHERE!!!!
No one really knows what happened, alls we know is that the potatoes cooked a little too long and possibly exploded. Then Tommy took them out of the microwave all deformed and when I saw them I got sad and said “You killed my potatoes.”
Apparently this was Tommy’s cue to start throwing the dead potato flowers all over the house.
Kayla was a tad pissed in the morning b/c her house was trashed. I was pissed b/c my potatoes were dead.
Yes….we’re a mature lot.
What also sucks about it is that I am sick about 98% of the time. I have spent the majority of my birthdays on medication for some illness (strep throat seems to be the most popular) and even have spent about ¼ of them in the hospital.
My junior year of college birthday is the most recent hospital bound one. I was about to turn 21 and instead of gearing up for my birthday; I was in the pediatrics unit at Good Samaritan Hospital. At one point a little boy came in my room to tell me I was to old to be in the kids rooms.
Anyway, that birthday was uneventful since most of my home friends were younger then 21, my older 21 friends were in Michigan or other places and I was doped up on medication. No bar hopping for my twenty-first birthday! There were a couple other things that made it crappy, but we’ll leave that alone.
The fun came when I got back to State. My friends threw a dinner and bar experience for me, and Brett even got me an extra special surprise.
B: “well J, we all know how much you like flowers and how that ass never gets you any. So I wanted to get you some extra special flowers for your birthday. They’re no roses, but I think you will love them.”
Then be brings out these flower shaped things. Turned out he had someone widdle flowers out of POTATOES!!! They were then stuck in sticks and put in a vase made from a Parrot Bay bottle.
It was hysterical.
Anyway, we all ate some pizza and then went out boozing until the bars closed. Upon returning home to Kayla’s (so drunk I think Chad piggy backed me home) we decided to get food.
Apparently I had the amazing idea to cook the potato flowers. So I took them out of the Parrot Bay and stuck them in the microwave.
I then proceeded to poke everyone with the sticks. Meanwhile, Matt was filling water balloons and throwing them at people walking by the house.
In the middle of a Michigan January….a/k/a -5000 degrees!!!
I don’t really remember anything past that. I just remember that when I woke up the next morning, not only was I sleeping in a bed with 3 other people BUT there were potato remnants EVERYWHERE!!!!
No one really knows what happened, alls we know is that the potatoes cooked a little too long and possibly exploded. Then Tommy took them out of the microwave all deformed and when I saw them I got sad and said “You killed my potatoes.”
Apparently this was Tommy’s cue to start throwing the dead potato flowers all over the house.
Kayla was a tad pissed in the morning b/c her house was trashed. I was pissed b/c my potatoes were dead.
Yes….we’re a mature lot.
Monday, November 27, 2006
Oh so much has happened in the past couple of days, but I think the very best story had to occur Saturday, November 17th.
I should probably back up just a little bit and let you know that I am now a Surprise Party Representative. What is a surprise Party you ask? Well it is a home party for women. I bring fun lotions, toys and other fun love stuff. It’s like Tupperware, but a hell of a lot more fun.
Anyway, after my party on Saturday I was really tired and put the “toys” away without taking their batteries out. Of course when I put the demo bin into the car a couple of the toys went off. I, however, did not realize this until after I was driving down the street, but I figured I would just wait until I got to the gas station to do anything.
There was NO ONE on the road when I was driving to I opted to take an illegal U turn. Once I completed said U Turn a Westmont Police Officer was right behind me, pulling me over.
Officer: “License and Registration please.”
Me: “ok”
Office: “ma’am….do you know U Turns are illegal?”
~~slighting buzzing heard in the background…..starts to get louder~~
Me: “Sorry officer.”
O: “Ma’am what is that noise?”
I turn slightly red and being to explain….
“Well, sir…I am a Surprise Party Representative..” I give him my card. “And I sell lotions and fun love toys. Basically, that noise is the vibrators banging against each other and the bin they’re in. I was lazy and forgot to take out the batteries before I put them away.”
Officer: “Um…..ok. Well, I am going to have to check that out. Can you please step out of the vehicle and open the bin making the noise.”
So I get out of the car, open the trunk and proceed to show the officer that the noise is in fact the vibrators and NOT a bomb.”
After dealing with a little blushing, the officer lets me go with a warning and tells me to remember to take the batters out next time. I tell him to pass his car along to his wife or girlfriend.
Oh…it gets better.
So I get to the gas station and while the gas is pumping I am taking the batteries out of the toys. I get all the batteries out and go to put the bin back in the car.
Well, apparently I forgot to put the latch on correctly and the top of the bin opened and penis mints, penis gummies, books on erotic massage (with pictures) and other fun things fell.
As I was picking everything up I noticed that the guy behind me seemed very interested in what I was putting away…..So I handed the lady in his car my card!!!
Basically that weekend taught me to take the batteries out of the toys before I put them away no matter how lazy I am, and make sure all latches are secured before moving a bin.
Fun times….fuuuuuuuuuuuuuuun times…………..
~~if anyone reading this would like to Host a Surpirse Party, feel free to email me at joanie.surprise.party@gmail.com. The parties are for WOMEN only and you must be over 18 years old.
I should probably back up just a little bit and let you know that I am now a Surprise Party Representative. What is a surprise Party you ask? Well it is a home party for women. I bring fun lotions, toys and other fun love stuff. It’s like Tupperware, but a hell of a lot more fun.
Anyway, after my party on Saturday I was really tired and put the “toys” away without taking their batteries out. Of course when I put the demo bin into the car a couple of the toys went off. I, however, did not realize this until after I was driving down the street, but I figured I would just wait until I got to the gas station to do anything.
There was NO ONE on the road when I was driving to I opted to take an illegal U turn. Once I completed said U Turn a Westmont Police Officer was right behind me, pulling me over.
Officer: “License and Registration please.”
Me: “ok”
Office: “ma’am….do you know U Turns are illegal?”
~~slighting buzzing heard in the background…..starts to get louder~~
Me: “Sorry officer.”
O: “Ma’am what is that noise?”
I turn slightly red and being to explain….
“Well, sir…I am a Surprise Party Representative..” I give him my card. “And I sell lotions and fun love toys. Basically, that noise is the vibrators banging against each other and the bin they’re in. I was lazy and forgot to take out the batteries before I put them away.”
Officer: “Um…..ok. Well, I am going to have to check that out. Can you please step out of the vehicle and open the bin making the noise.”
So I get out of the car, open the trunk and proceed to show the officer that the noise is in fact the vibrators and NOT a bomb.”
After dealing with a little blushing, the officer lets me go with a warning and tells me to remember to take the batters out next time. I tell him to pass his car along to his wife or girlfriend.
Oh…it gets better.
So I get to the gas station and while the gas is pumping I am taking the batteries out of the toys. I get all the batteries out and go to put the bin back in the car.
Well, apparently I forgot to put the latch on correctly and the top of the bin opened and penis mints, penis gummies, books on erotic massage (with pictures) and other fun things fell.
As I was picking everything up I noticed that the guy behind me seemed very interested in what I was putting away…..So I handed the lady in his car my card!!!
Basically that weekend taught me to take the batteries out of the toys before I put them away no matter how lazy I am, and make sure all latches are secured before moving a bin.
Fun times….fuuuuuuuuuuuuuuun times…………..
~~if anyone reading this would like to Host a Surpirse Party, feel free to email me at joanie.surprise.party@gmail.com. The parties are for WOMEN only and you must be over 18 years old.
Thursday, November 16, 2006
My bad.....
I’ve been kind of busy recently. My sister had surgery to remove her appendix, and that kind had my mom and I running in circles.
I took Allie to the emergency room on Sunday night thinking she had food poisoning. My mom got there and I went home to finish my homework. The next morning at 5:30 a.m. I got the call from my mom that Allie was in the hospital and would be having surgery later that day.
What my mom needed me to do was come to the hospital, get her keys, move her car, walk Sophie (Allie’s dog) and come back to the hospital. I did all things like a good little girl.
However, there was one snag. When I got to my sister’s condo the key my mom gave me wouldn’t work. I called my mom and she said to use the pliers under the rug to bang it in and turn it.
“Mom, aren’t you afraid this will break in the lock?”
“No, I do it all the time.”
………………..the key broke in the lock. I called the lock smith and he told me he couldn’t come for 4 hours and it would cost about $600.00.
Well, I couldn’t wait because the poor dog had been locked up for over 12 hours and you could hear her crying from inside the condo.
Now before I go on, let me just say I was stressed and worried about my sister AND my mind wasn’t working very well.
Ok back to the lock problem. Anyway, I didn’t know what else to do. So I lowered my shoulder and pushed against the door. I kept doing this until I broke the door in.
Yes, I broke the door.
Now let me just say that the previous owners had done the same thing, so the door frame was pretty jacked up, but none the less once I did it was I like “oh shit, my mom is going to kill me.”
I didn’t tell my mom; instead I called my friends to help me. Thank God for Kate and Dale who came over and helped. Dale fixed the door frame so it would lock and we bought a new deadbolt.
Lesson here is….NEVER listen to my mom about keys and pliers. Also, I have a bruise on my right shoulder and it kind of hurts.
I took Allie to the emergency room on Sunday night thinking she had food poisoning. My mom got there and I went home to finish my homework. The next morning at 5:30 a.m. I got the call from my mom that Allie was in the hospital and would be having surgery later that day.
What my mom needed me to do was come to the hospital, get her keys, move her car, walk Sophie (Allie’s dog) and come back to the hospital. I did all things like a good little girl.
However, there was one snag. When I got to my sister’s condo the key my mom gave me wouldn’t work. I called my mom and she said to use the pliers under the rug to bang it in and turn it.
“Mom, aren’t you afraid this will break in the lock?”
“No, I do it all the time.”
………………..the key broke in the lock. I called the lock smith and he told me he couldn’t come for 4 hours and it would cost about $600.00.
Well, I couldn’t wait because the poor dog had been locked up for over 12 hours and you could hear her crying from inside the condo.
Now before I go on, let me just say I was stressed and worried about my sister AND my mind wasn’t working very well.
Ok back to the lock problem. Anyway, I didn’t know what else to do. So I lowered my shoulder and pushed against the door. I kept doing this until I broke the door in.
Yes, I broke the door.
Now let me just say that the previous owners had done the same thing, so the door frame was pretty jacked up, but none the less once I did it was I like “oh shit, my mom is going to kill me.”
I didn’t tell my mom; instead I called my friends to help me. Thank God for Kate and Dale who came over and helped. Dale fixed the door frame so it would lock and we bought a new deadbolt.
Lesson here is….NEVER listen to my mom about keys and pliers. Also, I have a bruise on my right shoulder and it kind of hurts.
Monday, November 06, 2006
More Craig's Lise Loosers........
I had a lot of schoolwork to get done this weekend and I was feeling kind of sick, so nothing to exciting happened to me. What that means is that I don’t have anything witty to report on.
However, not wanting to let anyone down (b/c I know you kids thrive on this shit) here is another addition of Craig’s List Losers…….
seeking for my soul! – 28
I AM VERY RESPONSIBLE, I AM LOVING , CARING, DEPENDABLE, PASSIONATE, I AM REALISTIC I SEE LIFE AS IT COMES I LIKE TO TAKE A DETERMANATION, ENJOY EVERY MOMENT OF LIFE, I LOVE TO LIFE LIFE TO THE FULLEST, BUT JUST MISSING THAT SPECIAL SOMEONE TO FILL MY HEART, I HAVE BEEN THROUGH ALOT AND ALSO BEEN HURT SO I KNOW STILL HOW TO FACE LIFE STRONG AND FACE THE THINGS AS THEY COME SO IF YOU DID IT I HAVE BEEN THROUGH THAT, JUST BE SINCERE SINCE THE BEGINING, IF YOU ARE SERIOUS LOOKING FOR A SERIOUS RELATIONSHIP,READY TO BE DETERMINE THEN HOWLER BABY!!! SERIOUS DATING, POSSIBLE LONG TERM
Wow, someone was a little hopped up on something when they write this. Was it really necessary to use ALL caps? Why are you yelling? Also, I notice that the love affair started after you wrote the title. Speaking of the title, um does it remind anyone else of something that could be an episode of Charmed? Seeking for my soul? OK, right. This is also the longest run on sentence, and it doesn’t make much sense. However, if you like this add…don’t forget to HOWLER at cha boy.
Looking for a woman to share good times...and more - 38
Heyy Are you there ?..lol.....I am 38 East Indian descent -....well settled......looking for a friend first...you must be below 32 - East Indian - Caucasian - or a wheatish Afro-Am.......must have gone beyond High School....should make good conversation.......We will go out to nice reataurants, concerts, movies....generally have a good time......and go form there.......I am looking for a NO DRAMA ...cool..no pressure relationship ...which is beautiful for both of us.......email me your details....your pix gets mine...:D
Your first sentence wasn’t funny, don’t “lol” it.
I can overlook the “below 32” because I can figure he means younger and not colder, but when he says he wants a “wheatish Afro Am,” I wonder if he wants someone light skinned or someone you could make a sammich on. I keep reading this and hearing Borat’s voice in my head. “Want wheatish woman….VERY NICE.” (it’s not funny if you haven’t see the movie…..sorry.)
Intelligent, Manly 33WM seeks Woman 50+ - 33
I once had a relationship with a woman in her 50s. I miss the intellectual and sensual excitement of involvement with a woman who isn't timid or apologetic for enjoying a youthful man. I don't know if you're out there, but if you're over 50 and enjoy the company of younger men, please drop me a line. Thanks!
SOMEONE has mommy issues!!! That or he just saw the graduate one to many times. ” And here’s to you Mrs. Robbinson…….”
LOOK FOR A GREEK-AMERICAN LADY ,FROM GREEK MAN – 49
PLEASE WRITE ME AND TALK IS BEST FISH IS HERE EYXARISTO-TY
I don’t know what this means, but I now have the sudden urge for some Saganaki. (Which is probably spelled wrong, I don’t care.)
Married guy seeks female daytime play partner - 37
wouldnt it be great to be with someone who whom you can have some little daytime escapes? i am married so I need to be discreet. I am very passionate - poetry, music, food and more. i need a little excitement in my life and would like to help you have some too.
OK, there’s nothing really funny about this post. This guy, and other likes him, are just creeps. Really! Posting on Craig’s list so you can cheat on your wife! Sick. (and women who do this are just as bad)
I always wonder though about these people. Can you imagine posting it and getting a response. You and this mystery woman swap emails for a while and then agree to meet for some afternoon delight. So you pick a day, time and hotel. Once you are there you get your key and walk to the room. You hear her in there and get excited, open the door and …………………………………IT’S YOUR WIFE!!!!!!!!!!
Now one of two things just happened. You’re both cheating bastards who will have A LOT to talk about. OR…..she caught your ass….sucker.
There was a lifetime movie like this. Some girl became a college call girl. She ended up getting some pretty high rolling johns. One day she went to the hotel and when the door opened it was her FATHER!!!!!!!!!!!!! Yeah, pretty creepy huh.
I laughed my ass off.
Does anyone know this woman? – 41
Please have her contact me if you happen to know her. I wanted to speak with her and was able to at the time. Now she is MIA on Match.com.
STALKER!!!!!! Maybe she went MIA for a reason.
~~Have any of you looked at the actual adds on Craig’s List?? Have you noticed the pictures people post? They’re worse then the actually adds.
~~In other news: Brett says I am too hard on the men, and I should equally pick on the women. I would…..if they were as cracked out. Hmmmm….let me go check.
However, not wanting to let anyone down (b/c I know you kids thrive on this shit) here is another addition of Craig’s List Losers…….
seeking for my soul! – 28
I AM VERY RESPONSIBLE, I AM LOVING , CARING, DEPENDABLE, PASSIONATE, I AM REALISTIC I SEE LIFE AS IT COMES I LIKE TO TAKE A DETERMANATION, ENJOY EVERY MOMENT OF LIFE, I LOVE TO LIFE LIFE TO THE FULLEST, BUT JUST MISSING THAT SPECIAL SOMEONE TO FILL MY HEART, I HAVE BEEN THROUGH ALOT AND ALSO BEEN HURT SO I KNOW STILL HOW TO FACE LIFE STRONG AND FACE THE THINGS AS THEY COME SO IF YOU DID IT I HAVE BEEN THROUGH THAT, JUST BE SINCERE SINCE THE BEGINING, IF YOU ARE SERIOUS LOOKING FOR A SERIOUS RELATIONSHIP,READY TO BE DETERMINE THEN HOWLER BABY!!! SERIOUS DATING, POSSIBLE LONG TERM
Wow, someone was a little hopped up on something when they write this. Was it really necessary to use ALL caps? Why are you yelling? Also, I notice that the love affair started after you wrote the title. Speaking of the title, um does it remind anyone else of something that could be an episode of Charmed? Seeking for my soul? OK, right. This is also the longest run on sentence, and it doesn’t make much sense. However, if you like this add…don’t forget to HOWLER at cha boy.
Looking for a woman to share good times...and more - 38
Heyy Are you there ?..lol.....I am 38 East Indian descent -....well settled......looking for a friend first...you must be below 32 - East Indian - Caucasian - or a wheatish Afro-Am.......must have gone beyond High School....should make good conversation.......We will go out to nice reataurants, concerts, movies....generally have a good time......and go form there.......I am looking for a NO DRAMA ...cool..no pressure relationship ...which is beautiful for both of us.......email me your details....your pix gets mine...:D
Your first sentence wasn’t funny, don’t “lol” it.
I can overlook the “below 32” because I can figure he means younger and not colder, but when he says he wants a “wheatish Afro Am,” I wonder if he wants someone light skinned or someone you could make a sammich on. I keep reading this and hearing Borat’s voice in my head. “Want wheatish woman….VERY NICE.” (it’s not funny if you haven’t see the movie…..sorry.)
Intelligent, Manly 33WM seeks Woman 50+ - 33
I once had a relationship with a woman in her 50s. I miss the intellectual and sensual excitement of involvement with a woman who isn't timid or apologetic for enjoying a youthful man. I don't know if you're out there, but if you're over 50 and enjoy the company of younger men, please drop me a line. Thanks!
SOMEONE has mommy issues!!! That or he just saw the graduate one to many times. ” And here’s to you Mrs. Robbinson…….”
LOOK FOR A GREEK-AMERICAN LADY ,FROM GREEK MAN – 49
PLEASE WRITE ME AND TALK IS BEST FISH IS HERE EYXARISTO-TY
I don’t know what this means, but I now have the sudden urge for some Saganaki. (Which is probably spelled wrong, I don’t care.)
Married guy seeks female daytime play partner - 37
wouldnt it be great to be with someone who whom you can have some little daytime escapes? i am married so I need to be discreet. I am very passionate - poetry, music, food and more. i need a little excitement in my life and would like to help you have some too.
OK, there’s nothing really funny about this post. This guy, and other likes him, are just creeps. Really! Posting on Craig’s list so you can cheat on your wife! Sick. (and women who do this are just as bad)
I always wonder though about these people. Can you imagine posting it and getting a response. You and this mystery woman swap emails for a while and then agree to meet for some afternoon delight. So you pick a day, time and hotel. Once you are there you get your key and walk to the room. You hear her in there and get excited, open the door and …………………………………IT’S YOUR WIFE!!!!!!!!!!
Now one of two things just happened. You’re both cheating bastards who will have A LOT to talk about. OR…..she caught your ass….sucker.
There was a lifetime movie like this. Some girl became a college call girl. She ended up getting some pretty high rolling johns. One day she went to the hotel and when the door opened it was her FATHER!!!!!!!!!!!!! Yeah, pretty creepy huh.
I laughed my ass off.
Does anyone know this woman? – 41
Please have her contact me if you happen to know her. I wanted to speak with her and was able to at the time. Now she is MIA on Match.com.
STALKER!!!!!! Maybe she went MIA for a reason.
~~Have any of you looked at the actual adds on Craig’s List?? Have you noticed the pictures people post? They’re worse then the actually adds.
~~In other news: Brett says I am too hard on the men, and I should equally pick on the women. I would…..if they were as cracked out. Hmmmm….let me go check.
Wednesday, November 01, 2006
I Still Don't Get Paid Enough For This Shit
First let me say that I LOVE GRAD SCHOOL! I really do. I will graduate and become a teacher and finally be able to do something I love and I am great at..
That being said, this 3-4 hour sleep a night shit has to end. Functioning is becoming harder and harder. So I need to get my shit together and get more sleep.
I slept two hours last night. I was doing homework (read: rewriting a 15 page paper over and over and over, and reading a terrible book) and when I looked up at the clock it said 5:00 a.m. RIGHT!!!
So anyway, I am a tad out of it. I would like to thank the lovely ladies at Starbucks who put enough espresso into my coffee to give a blue whale the shakes. It is because of you that I did not fall asleep while driving on the IKE and kill people, and why my leg won’t stop shaking.
This has also made it next to impossible to work on anything, as my mind is dead. I have been to court already to file papers and have talked to about 15 clients, but I really can’t focus more then that.
However warped my mind is, I still have the uncanny ability to be a raging asshole. Aren’t we all glad that that hasn’t been impaired?
So last week boss man took me to lunch and he kept going on and on about his wife and how she hates it every time he brings up one of our clients.
(Side note: She’s a female client. She has a cute voice, but I have never seen her. Boss man wants to set her up with one of his divorced friends.)
B: “I just don’t get why bring up her name bothers my wife so much.”
~at this point and time I had been listening to him say this for about ten minutes…..
Me: “Listen, here’s the deal. It’s because you want to set up your friend with her.”
B: “What does that have to do with anything?”
Me: “ok, here’s the deal. Men set their friends up with women they would sleep with but can’t. It’s the mentality of ‘if I can’t tap that….at least you can and toy can tell me all about it!!’”
B: “Really?”
Me: “Please, don’t play stupid with me. Yes really. So when a guy sets his friends up its like saying ‘I would totally bang this chick if I wasn’t married.’ Your wife sees this as you setting your friend up so that you can vicariously bang our client.”
B: “I think you’re onto something.”
Of course I am. I worry about the Creepy Old Men’s Club because come August 2007 I won’t be here to keep them on track.
That being said, this 3-4 hour sleep a night shit has to end. Functioning is becoming harder and harder. So I need to get my shit together and get more sleep.
I slept two hours last night. I was doing homework (read: rewriting a 15 page paper over and over and over, and reading a terrible book) and when I looked up at the clock it said 5:00 a.m. RIGHT!!!
So anyway, I am a tad out of it. I would like to thank the lovely ladies at Starbucks who put enough espresso into my coffee to give a blue whale the shakes. It is because of you that I did not fall asleep while driving on the IKE and kill people, and why my leg won’t stop shaking.
This has also made it next to impossible to work on anything, as my mind is dead. I have been to court already to file papers and have talked to about 15 clients, but I really can’t focus more then that.
However warped my mind is, I still have the uncanny ability to be a raging asshole. Aren’t we all glad that that hasn’t been impaired?
So last week boss man took me to lunch and he kept going on and on about his wife and how she hates it every time he brings up one of our clients.
(Side note: She’s a female client. She has a cute voice, but I have never seen her. Boss man wants to set her up with one of his divorced friends.)
B: “I just don’t get why bring up her name bothers my wife so much.”
~at this point and time I had been listening to him say this for about ten minutes…..
Me: “Listen, here’s the deal. It’s because you want to set up your friend with her.”
B: “What does that have to do with anything?”
Me: “ok, here’s the deal. Men set their friends up with women they would sleep with but can’t. It’s the mentality of ‘if I can’t tap that….at least you can and toy can tell me all about it!!’”
B: “Really?”
Me: “Please, don’t play stupid with me. Yes really. So when a guy sets his friends up its like saying ‘I would totally bang this chick if I wasn’t married.’ Your wife sees this as you setting your friend up so that you can vicariously bang our client.”
B: “I think you’re onto something.”
Of course I am. I worry about the Creepy Old Men’s Club because come August 2007 I won’t be here to keep them on track.
Tuesday, October 24, 2006
Pancakes and Erections
Yeah, I should be taking the “boss out of the office” time to do some homework, but I’m a little ADD right now. So instead I am going to share a little bit of my weekend with Kennice and Dave.
This past weekend those two assholes came up for a visit, and brought Kennice’s friend Lindsey. I must say that Lindsey faired very well spending the weekend with us. However, I haven’t spoken to them since they were stuck in traffic in Paw Paw, so I am not sure if Lindsey is still speaking to anyone.
Amazingly enough we all managed to stay out of jail or the hospital, so it was a good weekend.
On Sunday we got ready to cheer Allie on during her second Chicago Marathon. (Yeah she did it again; Mom and I are considering a Pysch Consult if she chooses to do it next year.)
We started the morning cheering her on at mile six and then again at mile nine. After mile nine we went to breakfast, joining us was my mom (Deej).
As we were eating breakfast, Deej decided to tell us this interesting story about how weird my sister is.
“When Allie was taking her sleep study courses she found out that men get erections during REM sleep. Well you know Allie only has that one bed in her studio, so when Brent comes to visit they sleep in the same bed. YOU SISTER timed when she figured Brent would go into REM and set her alarm clock for those times. Then she would take the dog out for a walk.”
~~everyone starts laughing~~
Of course because of this we all felt the need to make inappropriate REM comment. A couple minutes later we were paying the bill. Dave owed me from the night before and he offered to pay mine and Deej’s portion since they added up to last night’s total.
“Well mom, looks like Dave is going to take care of you. I guess you’ll have to put out now.”
Without missing a beat my mom responds with, “I’ll just wait until he goes into REM.”
Yep, that’s my mom!!!! If any of you are wondering where I get it……it’s from her. All of it.
This past weekend those two assholes came up for a visit, and brought Kennice’s friend Lindsey. I must say that Lindsey faired very well spending the weekend with us. However, I haven’t spoken to them since they were stuck in traffic in Paw Paw, so I am not sure if Lindsey is still speaking to anyone.
Amazingly enough we all managed to stay out of jail or the hospital, so it was a good weekend.
On Sunday we got ready to cheer Allie on during her second Chicago Marathon. (Yeah she did it again; Mom and I are considering a Pysch Consult if she chooses to do it next year.)
We started the morning cheering her on at mile six and then again at mile nine. After mile nine we went to breakfast, joining us was my mom (Deej).
As we were eating breakfast, Deej decided to tell us this interesting story about how weird my sister is.
“When Allie was taking her sleep study courses she found out that men get erections during REM sleep. Well you know Allie only has that one bed in her studio, so when Brent comes to visit they sleep in the same bed. YOU SISTER timed when she figured Brent would go into REM and set her alarm clock for those times. Then she would take the dog out for a walk.”
~~everyone starts laughing~~
Of course because of this we all felt the need to make inappropriate REM comment. A couple minutes later we were paying the bill. Dave owed me from the night before and he offered to pay mine and Deej’s portion since they added up to last night’s total.
“Well mom, looks like Dave is going to take care of you. I guess you’ll have to put out now.”
Without missing a beat my mom responds with, “I’ll just wait until he goes into REM.”
Yep, that’s my mom!!!! If any of you are wondering where I get it……it’s from her. All of it.
Wednesday, October 18, 2006
Creepy Old Men Part 2
This is what happens when you are working on something and are half paying attention to the person talking to you….
Friend #1 comes back in looking for boss man. I am trying to get this file done and emailed off prior to 3:00, so I am half listening to him talk at me.
Friend #1: “So, as a single 25 year old….what would it take to get you to go out with an attractive guy who’s almost 40??”
Me not really paying attention: “Tickets to the Bears vs. Packers game on New Years Eve.”
F: “Drinks?”
M: “Yep”
F: “Sex?”
Me making a BAD BAD BAD joke: “depends on how much I have to drink.”
~~Then it hits me what I am saying and that I am not just joking around with my friends.~~
F: “Sounds like a plan, I’ll work on those tickets.”
M: “Ummm….I was KIDDING about the sex.”
F: “Damn…to bad. What about the game.”
M: “I don’t kid about the Bears.”
F: “So if I got tickets you would go with me??”
M: “Yes, but it wouldn’t be a date. It would be me using you for Bears tickets and you being able to tell all your friends lies about what happened.”
F: “And you’re ok with that??”
M: “Look, I want tickets to that game more then anyone has any idea. If it means you telling your friends lies, fine, be pervy old dude. They probably won’t believe you anyway.”
F: “God you’re funny. Ok deal. If I can get tickets we’ll go. I promise not to lie about it to anyone you know.”
M: “Sounds like a plan. For the record, after this game I will never entertain the idea of going out with you again.”
F: “Deal.”
Ok, I would rather go with a friend, someone I actually enjoy spending time with. But we all know I’m going to be 100% focused on the game.
Should I feel dirty??? B/c I don’t. I really want those tickets.
Friend #1 comes back in looking for boss man. I am trying to get this file done and emailed off prior to 3:00, so I am half listening to him talk at me.
Friend #1: “So, as a single 25 year old….what would it take to get you to go out with an attractive guy who’s almost 40??”
Me not really paying attention: “Tickets to the Bears vs. Packers game on New Years Eve.”
F: “Drinks?”
M: “Yep”
F: “Sex?”
Me making a BAD BAD BAD joke: “depends on how much I have to drink.”
~~Then it hits me what I am saying and that I am not just joking around with my friends.~~
F: “Sounds like a plan, I’ll work on those tickets.”
M: “Ummm….I was KIDDING about the sex.”
F: “Damn…to bad. What about the game.”
M: “I don’t kid about the Bears.”
F: “So if I got tickets you would go with me??”
M: “Yes, but it wouldn’t be a date. It would be me using you for Bears tickets and you being able to tell all your friends lies about what happened.”
F: “And you’re ok with that??”
M: “Look, I want tickets to that game more then anyone has any idea. If it means you telling your friends lies, fine, be pervy old dude. They probably won’t believe you anyway.”
F: “God you’re funny. Ok deal. If I can get tickets we’ll go. I promise not to lie about it to anyone you know.”
M: “Sounds like a plan. For the record, after this game I will never entertain the idea of going out with you again.”
F: “Deal.”
Ok, I would rather go with a friend, someone I actually enjoy spending time with. But we all know I’m going to be 100% focused on the game.
Should I feel dirty??? B/c I don’t. I really want those tickets.
Tuesday, October 17, 2006
Creepy Old Men
“The first meeting of the Middle Aged Men’s’ Dating Club can now come to order.”
Ok, so that wasn’t exactly what was said in the office yesterday afternoon but it should have been.
Yesterday, my boss, his two friends and a client were having a detailed (creepy) conversation about middle aged dating. Sam*, the guy in my office, was listening from his desk and not taking part in the conversation as his wife would probably kill him.
Let’s meet the characters:
Boss: In his 50s, married with a kid but thinks he is a real life Casanova.
Friend 1: In his late thirties, attractive, never married, no children and seems to have an interesting dating life.
Friend 2: In his middle to late 40s, not chewed on but no Brad Pitt, divorced, two kids and apparently is having some trouble in his love life.
Client: In his middle to late 40’s, also not chewed and definitely not Brad Pitt, divorced, two kids and recently engaged.
So these gentlemen are sitting around my boss’s desk talking about the perils of dating and I am sitting at my desk (behind all this) trying not to listen. Unfortunately, my ears work very well and they are being loud.
The topic of the meeting apparently was why women/girls in their mid to late twenties do not want to date guys their ages.
So I am doing a pretty good job at ignoring the group when I heard this:
Friend 1: “I don’t have any problem meeting chicks. I mean I do most of it at the bars in Chicago, but I’m not really looking for anything long term.”
Friend 2: “It used to bother me, but then I realized that the reason they won’t go for it is because they’re afraid.” Snickering from the “men.” “No really! When they look at guys like us they see a nice stable guy who has potential for a real commitment.”
Client: “Good point.”
At the same time our client was giving his male support I apparently made a face along with a “yeah right” type sound.
Boss: “Dear, and I mean dear in a strictly professional manner, you’re of that age what’s you impute.”
Me: “Oh, no. I’m going to bow out of this little sharing circle.”
Client: “No really, we want your opinion. It will be first hand knowledge, straight from the source.”
Me: “No you really don’t want me to answer that question.”
This goes on for a little bit longer before I cave and give in.
“Ok, now I know you’re all really great guys…BUT….the reason that someone MY age probably won’t date someone like you has nothing to do with commitment. It has to do with the fact that you are TWENTY years older then I am AND you have kids, and not just little kids. Your kids are closer to my age then you are.”
Friend 2: “REALLY?!”
Me: “Yeah, plus the minute a guy your ages comes up to us at a bar we’re already laughing and making ‘creepy old guy’ and ‘he’s my dad’s age’ type comments.”
Client 1, laughing: “Harsh! Oh well, sorry guys.”
Me: “While we’re being honest. You’re not much better. You’re almost forty, single and hitting on women 15 years younger. Plus most of the time we date older guys b/c they’re more mature, but older is like 5 years older. Anything around 15-20 plus years older we’re dating because they have money and we’re hoping they die and leave everything to us. Anna Nicole style.”
Everyone laughed at the last comment. Sadly, I was only half joking.
The conversation shifted away from me (since I don’t think they liked what I was saying).
Sadly, soon the topic went to sex, and I was getting kind of sick.
Have you ever been around middle aged men talking about sex?? Especially sex with young women?? Their current conquest and desires??
Well, lucky you because I had to sit through it and so I decided to take action.
Me: "Do you realize this is sexual harassment?"
Friend #2 "How is this sexual harassment?"
Me: "Well, technically its b/c your making me feel threatened / uncomfortable but honestly......it's b/c I'm afraid that after hearing about your sex life I will never again be able to have one of my own without getting ill."
Yes…..I know….I’m an asshole.
Shortly thereafter the meeting was adjourned and the men dispersed with the plan to creep out young women all over Chicago, and I got back to researching what mind altering drugs would be able to erase this conversation from my memory.
Ok, so that wasn’t exactly what was said in the office yesterday afternoon but it should have been.
Yesterday, my boss, his two friends and a client were having a detailed (creepy) conversation about middle aged dating. Sam*, the guy in my office, was listening from his desk and not taking part in the conversation as his wife would probably kill him.
Let’s meet the characters:
Boss: In his 50s, married with a kid but thinks he is a real life Casanova.
Friend 1: In his late thirties, attractive, never married, no children and seems to have an interesting dating life.
Friend 2: In his middle to late 40s, not chewed on but no Brad Pitt, divorced, two kids and apparently is having some trouble in his love life.
Client: In his middle to late 40’s, also not chewed and definitely not Brad Pitt, divorced, two kids and recently engaged.
So these gentlemen are sitting around my boss’s desk talking about the perils of dating and I am sitting at my desk (behind all this) trying not to listen. Unfortunately, my ears work very well and they are being loud.
The topic of the meeting apparently was why women/girls in their mid to late twenties do not want to date guys their ages.
So I am doing a pretty good job at ignoring the group when I heard this:
Friend 1: “I don’t have any problem meeting chicks. I mean I do most of it at the bars in Chicago, but I’m not really looking for anything long term.”
Friend 2: “It used to bother me, but then I realized that the reason they won’t go for it is because they’re afraid.” Snickering from the “men.” “No really! When they look at guys like us they see a nice stable guy who has potential for a real commitment.”
Client: “Good point.”
At the same time our client was giving his male support I apparently made a face along with a “yeah right” type sound.
Boss: “Dear, and I mean dear in a strictly professional manner, you’re of that age what’s you impute.”
Me: “Oh, no. I’m going to bow out of this little sharing circle.”
Client: “No really, we want your opinion. It will be first hand knowledge, straight from the source.”
Me: “No you really don’t want me to answer that question.”
This goes on for a little bit longer before I cave and give in.
“Ok, now I know you’re all really great guys…BUT….the reason that someone MY age probably won’t date someone like you has nothing to do with commitment. It has to do with the fact that you are TWENTY years older then I am AND you have kids, and not just little kids. Your kids are closer to my age then you are.”
Friend 2: “REALLY?!”
Me: “Yeah, plus the minute a guy your ages comes up to us at a bar we’re already laughing and making ‘creepy old guy’ and ‘he’s my dad’s age’ type comments.”
Client 1, laughing: “Harsh! Oh well, sorry guys.”
Me: “While we’re being honest. You’re not much better. You’re almost forty, single and hitting on women 15 years younger. Plus most of the time we date older guys b/c they’re more mature, but older is like 5 years older. Anything around 15-20 plus years older we’re dating because they have money and we’re hoping they die and leave everything to us. Anna Nicole style.”
Everyone laughed at the last comment. Sadly, I was only half joking.
The conversation shifted away from me (since I don’t think they liked what I was saying).
Sadly, soon the topic went to sex, and I was getting kind of sick.
Have you ever been around middle aged men talking about sex?? Especially sex with young women?? Their current conquest and desires??
Well, lucky you because I had to sit through it and so I decided to take action.
Me: "Do you realize this is sexual harassment?"
Friend #2 "How is this sexual harassment?"
Me: "Well, technically its b/c your making me feel threatened / uncomfortable but honestly......it's b/c I'm afraid that after hearing about your sex life I will never again be able to have one of my own without getting ill."
Yes…..I know….I’m an asshole.
Shortly thereafter the meeting was adjourned and the men dispersed with the plan to creep out young women all over Chicago, and I got back to researching what mind altering drugs would be able to erase this conversation from my memory.
Friday, October 13, 2006
Do You Have Your Cuddle Pants???
Been a while hasn’t it??? Yeah, between work, school and studying I have little time to be witty and entertaining. Plus, I’ve actually been very busy at work and nothing to funny has happened.
However last night I hung out with Erica, which is always entertaining.
While having drinks at the Gin Mill we entertained ourselves and Paul, but mostly ourselves, with stories of our hockey days. And by hockey days I mean the nights we spent being assholes at hockey games.
Some of the fun times remembered:
One of the hockey players once referred to his sweatpants as his “cuddle pants,” Erica and I proceeded to make it our mission to refer to him as cuddle pants all the time. This included heckling him at the games. He even asked our friend WHY those two girls he hangs out with call him cuddle pants….
One guy on the team had a dad who worked as a recruiter for the Carolina Hurricanes. Coincidently, said player AND about half the team were drafted by the Hurricanes.
Hockey hair, mullets, were all the rage halfway through the year.
Erica and I took this information and made a cheer. Unfortunately, you will not know the tune of the cheer but here are the lyrics. I would say the first part and she would give an answer or repeat. Erica’s parts are done in italics.
“Are those not your CUDDLE PANTS??”
“YES THESE ARE MY CUDDLE PANTS!!!!”
“Whose Dad works for Carolina?”
“TROY’S DAD WORK FOR CAROLINA!!!”
“Do you eat your vegetables??”
“YES I EAT MY VEGETABLES!!!”
BROCCOLI!!
BROCCOLI!!
NEPOTISM!!!
NEPOTISM!!!
CUDDLEPANTS!!
CUDDLEPANTS!!!
Brad Fast……get a haircut!! (snap fingers) (said by all)
Yeah, it doesn’t seem that funny on paper, but when its live its so much better. Or at least we think its funny, and Paul laughed. (Well….he had been drinking)
We also reminisced about showing up to the MSU vs U of M hockey game completely wasted and almost getting thrown out of the Slap Shots. They wrote a strongly worded letter to us the next day.
~~~~ Look, I’m shaking I’m so scared.~~~
Look, its hockey. Grow a pair cupcake. As I remember I told the girl in charge (who was a bitch and hated us. Probably b/c we were always leading the fun cheers and she was a acne prone bitch who no one liked.) “Listen….its hockey. There’s mean things said and swearing. Grow a pair and cheer like a real fan…or shut the fuck up and go watch golf.”
Then there was the time we went to College Night at the Joe to see MSU play scum and the guy behind us was yelling nasty things about our school and us, at one point and time he called us “bitches” and “sluts.”
Finally I turn around to him and was like “HEY MULLET!! Yeah you! Listen, don’t insult my education because we all know that the bigger the mouth on the u of m fan, the less likely they were to have gone there.”
He starts to defend himself.
“Well, did you? No? Yeah didn’t think so. Now stop calling us bitches before I tell security you’re harassing innocent young women and they send your ass home to the trailer.”
We relived these and other memories as we were playing our own version of hockey at the Mill; which was just Erica and I flicking ice cubes at each other to “score” while Paul drank more and probably hoped the insanity wasn’t contagious.
However last night I hung out with Erica, which is always entertaining.
While having drinks at the Gin Mill we entertained ourselves and Paul, but mostly ourselves, with stories of our hockey days. And by hockey days I mean the nights we spent being assholes at hockey games.
Some of the fun times remembered:
One of the hockey players once referred to his sweatpants as his “cuddle pants,” Erica and I proceeded to make it our mission to refer to him as cuddle pants all the time. This included heckling him at the games. He even asked our friend WHY those two girls he hangs out with call him cuddle pants….
One guy on the team had a dad who worked as a recruiter for the Carolina Hurricanes. Coincidently, said player AND about half the team were drafted by the Hurricanes.
Hockey hair, mullets, were all the rage halfway through the year.
Erica and I took this information and made a cheer. Unfortunately, you will not know the tune of the cheer but here are the lyrics. I would say the first part and she would give an answer or repeat. Erica’s parts are done in italics.
“Are those not your CUDDLE PANTS??”
“YES THESE ARE MY CUDDLE PANTS!!!!”
“Whose Dad works for Carolina?”
“TROY’S DAD WORK FOR CAROLINA!!!”
“Do you eat your vegetables??”
“YES I EAT MY VEGETABLES!!!”
BROCCOLI!!
BROCCOLI!!
NEPOTISM!!!
NEPOTISM!!!
CUDDLEPANTS!!
CUDDLEPANTS!!!
Brad Fast……get a haircut!! (snap fingers) (said by all)
Yeah, it doesn’t seem that funny on paper, but when its live its so much better. Or at least we think its funny, and Paul laughed. (Well….he had been drinking)
We also reminisced about showing up to the MSU vs U of M hockey game completely wasted and almost getting thrown out of the Slap Shots. They wrote a strongly worded letter to us the next day.
~~~~ Look, I’m shaking I’m so scared.~~~
Look, its hockey. Grow a pair cupcake. As I remember I told the girl in charge (who was a bitch and hated us. Probably b/c we were always leading the fun cheers and she was a acne prone bitch who no one liked.) “Listen….its hockey. There’s mean things said and swearing. Grow a pair and cheer like a real fan…or shut the fuck up and go watch golf.”
Then there was the time we went to College Night at the Joe to see MSU play scum and the guy behind us was yelling nasty things about our school and us, at one point and time he called us “bitches” and “sluts.”
Finally I turn around to him and was like “HEY MULLET!! Yeah you! Listen, don’t insult my education because we all know that the bigger the mouth on the u of m fan, the less likely they were to have gone there.”
He starts to defend himself.
“Well, did you? No? Yeah didn’t think so. Now stop calling us bitches before I tell security you’re harassing innocent young women and they send your ass home to the trailer.”
We relived these and other memories as we were playing our own version of hockey at the Mill; which was just Erica and I flicking ice cubes at each other to “score” while Paul drank more and probably hoped the insanity wasn’t contagious.
Thursday, September 07, 2006
Since lack of sleep and recent events have left me lacking the ability to be funny on my own, I will now grace you with some more Craig’s List personal adds…..
One Last Kiss~27
I'm marrying my high school sweetheart in October, and consider myself extremely fortunate to be doing so. But we've never been with anyone else at all, romantically speaking, which makes us both feel like losers. So we've given each other permission to kiss one person, one time, before the blessed day, so we can at least say we ventured outside the fold briefly. We're just not telling each other the details, although i'm sure it will come out one day. The only rule is that it's just a kiss, nothing further, and a sweet one at that. So if you'd consider being the last kiss for a cute, soon-to-be happily married guy and occupy a special place in his memory, please send me a note about yourself and photo and I hope to hear from you soon.
This add should really be called: Will be Getting Divorced in 6 Months When I Find Her in Bed With Another Woman.
Your Household Chores Done *Free!* (ok, small catch) - 28
Cute, fit, funny and handy guy will do any household chore in exchange for a good handjob. That's it, nothing further asked. I'm always a gentleman, your discretion is assured. Need that track lighting installed? Oven cleaned? Tile replaced? Cabinet mounted? Hard drive backed up? Driveway paved? All done until completion, and with a smile, as long as you do the same. Serious inquiries only and thanks!
Is this like prostitution??? Or is this what the people in government had in mind when they drafted all that Free Trade stuff??
However, I wonder if he is related to this guy…………..
I'll Fix Your Computer if You Let Me Feel Your Boobs – 27
Cute IT guy/PC specialist will fix your computer in exchange for a quick feel of your boobs. I'm a totally non-creepy professional who will repair your hard drive, back up files, install software and peripherals, whatever, for an innocent grope. I have a lot of tech knowledge in my life and regrettably no boobs. Serious inquiries only and thanks.
“I’m totally non-creepy…” WHAT?? You are posting an add on Craig’s List seeing if anyone out there will let you feel their boobs!
Imagine that. I can’t imagine letting the IT guy in my office feel me up when he was done fixing the hard drive on the computer. By the end of it both hard drives would be up and working. Oh Jesus, I just made myself sick………
Free Victoria's Secret Shopping Spree with Cute Guy! - 27
hi -- i'm a cute, funny, shockingly normal guy who has always had a fantasy about spontaneously taking a fun, easygoing girl to victoria's secret to buy her cool underwear, no strings attached. so for one time only i'm looking for someone who fits the bill, who'd like to go shopping for some cute new stuff, i'd say the budget is around $300 for the right person. nothing creepy, nothing else suggested. if we agree to go for it we meet someplace in public (mostly so you can make sure i'm not a total weirdo), then go to VS for a day of shopping, then we go our separate ways. you get a bag full of cute new undies and i get a big smile on my face. the proverbial win-win situation. drop me a line if you'd like to be the one and thanks.
Is 27-ish the new age for turning into a creepy pervert? Because so far it appears that way. So basically, this guy will take you shopping at VS as long as he can sit in the dressing room with you with his hands down his pants?? How isn’t this creepy?? This add makes me feel dirty….i need to go home and shower now. Ick. Ick. Ick.
Here Kitty Kitty Kitty :) - 33
Hello there ladies. I am 33 year old white professional male who is discreet, courteous and respectful. I live on the North Side of Chicago. I have to admit that I just LOVE to lick the kitty and make a woman feel fantastic. If you are sexy, and need your tasty p***y licked and s****d, email me back or fine me on Yahoo IM (screen name mstr_hoo). Talk to you soon.
Maybe I should have taken his screen name off, but he posted it on GRAIG’S LIST!!!!!!!!! Wow. I wonder if he’s like the other “kitty” guy. Where do these people come from? I guess this is better then the guy who wants to watch you try on panites or Mr. IT feel you up! This is kind of like Mr. Hand Job, but us ladies get all the sexual healing. He’s very blunt, and honestly kind of scary.
massage and stroke – 36
looking for find a fun and sexy female that justs wants to chill, smoke a little weed and than get a killer massage. i'm v cute, fit, athletic build, tall and fun.
Is it after all the weed that we’re going to have the stroke or during??? Ok, I know I am not one to point fun at spelling errors or hitting the wrong key, but the “R” is nowhere near the “M.” What am I saying, this guy was probably high when he typed this, we’re lucky he didn’t go off on a tangent about the memorable 3 a.m. Taco Bell date he’d take the lucky lady on.
By the way, you’re on Craig’s List trying to get a date b/c you’re almost 40 and still smoking weed like a 21 year old frat boy.
Office Job-- temporary - $$$ - 39
Temp office position open, about 2-3 days work, great to earn some extra spending $$$. You should be available to work right away. Standard office attire is tank top (no bra) and shorts or mini, sandals. Would help if you're cute, fun, flirty.
Would also help if you don’t pay any attention to those pesky sexual harassment laws or have any self respect.
~~~aaahhhh…..more to come…….
I’m honestly considering writing one up (FAKE) and seeing if I get any responses!!
One Last Kiss~27
I'm marrying my high school sweetheart in October, and consider myself extremely fortunate to be doing so. But we've never been with anyone else at all, romantically speaking, which makes us both feel like losers. So we've given each other permission to kiss one person, one time, before the blessed day, so we can at least say we ventured outside the fold briefly. We're just not telling each other the details, although i'm sure it will come out one day. The only rule is that it's just a kiss, nothing further, and a sweet one at that. So if you'd consider being the last kiss for a cute, soon-to-be happily married guy and occupy a special place in his memory, please send me a note about yourself and photo and I hope to hear from you soon.
This add should really be called: Will be Getting Divorced in 6 Months When I Find Her in Bed With Another Woman.
Your Household Chores Done *Free!* (ok, small catch) - 28
Cute, fit, funny and handy guy will do any household chore in exchange for a good handjob. That's it, nothing further asked. I'm always a gentleman, your discretion is assured. Need that track lighting installed? Oven cleaned? Tile replaced? Cabinet mounted? Hard drive backed up? Driveway paved? All done until completion, and with a smile, as long as you do the same. Serious inquiries only and thanks!
Is this like prostitution??? Or is this what the people in government had in mind when they drafted all that Free Trade stuff??
However, I wonder if he is related to this guy…………..
I'll Fix Your Computer if You Let Me Feel Your Boobs – 27
Cute IT guy/PC specialist will fix your computer in exchange for a quick feel of your boobs. I'm a totally non-creepy professional who will repair your hard drive, back up files, install software and peripherals, whatever, for an innocent grope. I have a lot of tech knowledge in my life and regrettably no boobs. Serious inquiries only and thanks.
“I’m totally non-creepy…” WHAT?? You are posting an add on Craig’s List seeing if anyone out there will let you feel their boobs!
Imagine that. I can’t imagine letting the IT guy in my office feel me up when he was done fixing the hard drive on the computer. By the end of it both hard drives would be up and working. Oh Jesus, I just made myself sick………
Free Victoria's Secret Shopping Spree with Cute Guy! - 27
hi -- i'm a cute, funny, shockingly normal guy who has always had a fantasy about spontaneously taking a fun, easygoing girl to victoria's secret to buy her cool underwear, no strings attached. so for one time only i'm looking for someone who fits the bill, who'd like to go shopping for some cute new stuff, i'd say the budget is around $300 for the right person. nothing creepy, nothing else suggested. if we agree to go for it we meet someplace in public (mostly so you can make sure i'm not a total weirdo), then go to VS for a day of shopping, then we go our separate ways. you get a bag full of cute new undies and i get a big smile on my face. the proverbial win-win situation. drop me a line if you'd like to be the one and thanks.
Is 27-ish the new age for turning into a creepy pervert? Because so far it appears that way. So basically, this guy will take you shopping at VS as long as he can sit in the dressing room with you with his hands down his pants?? How isn’t this creepy?? This add makes me feel dirty….i need to go home and shower now. Ick. Ick. Ick.
Here Kitty Kitty Kitty :) - 33
Hello there ladies. I am 33 year old white professional male who is discreet, courteous and respectful. I live on the North Side of Chicago. I have to admit that I just LOVE to lick the kitty and make a woman feel fantastic. If you are sexy, and need your tasty p***y licked and s****d, email me back or fine me on Yahoo IM (screen name mstr_hoo). Talk to you soon.
Maybe I should have taken his screen name off, but he posted it on GRAIG’S LIST!!!!!!!!! Wow. I wonder if he’s like the other “kitty” guy. Where do these people come from? I guess this is better then the guy who wants to watch you try on panites or Mr. IT feel you up! This is kind of like Mr. Hand Job, but us ladies get all the sexual healing. He’s very blunt, and honestly kind of scary.
massage and stroke – 36
looking for find a fun and sexy female that justs wants to chill, smoke a little weed and than get a killer massage. i'm v cute, fit, athletic build, tall and fun.
Is it after all the weed that we’re going to have the stroke or during??? Ok, I know I am not one to point fun at spelling errors or hitting the wrong key, but the “R” is nowhere near the “M.” What am I saying, this guy was probably high when he typed this, we’re lucky he didn’t go off on a tangent about the memorable 3 a.m. Taco Bell date he’d take the lucky lady on.
By the way, you’re on Craig’s List trying to get a date b/c you’re almost 40 and still smoking weed like a 21 year old frat boy.
Office Job-- temporary - $$$ - 39
Temp office position open, about 2-3 days work, great to earn some extra spending $$$. You should be available to work right away. Standard office attire is tank top (no bra) and shorts or mini, sandals. Would help if you're cute, fun, flirty.
Would also help if you don’t pay any attention to those pesky sexual harassment laws or have any self respect.
~~~aaahhhh…..more to come…….
I’m honestly considering writing one up (FAKE) and seeing if I get any responses!!
Friday, September 01, 2006
Brian Griese and the Beast Master......
There are two things that I know I should be ashamed to admit………….
First: My transition from pretty boys (Jonathan Brandis, NKOTB, etc.) was the 1997/1998 U of M football season. That’s the year I fell in love with Brian Griese, and I was 15 years old.
I know what you’re thinking, “but Joanie….you HATE u of m.”
I hate them now, back then I was an impressionable teenager. My aunt (who was more like my sister) went to U of M at the time and I wanted to be just like her.
I grew out of that, went to the better school (SPARTY ON!!!) and I love my Spartans, but I still think Brian Griese is a hottie.
Not gonna lie, he got me out of the pretty boy stage and into the BIG mudgy real guy stage. Thank you Brian Griese, thank you.
If it wasn’t for you and your mudgyness (which is more muscle then pudge) I might still be into guys that would borrow my jeans and spent more time getting ready then I did.
However, it is also your fault that I fell for and dated the hockey stud in college and made out with the freakishly tall and mudgy (more pudge then mudge) rugby guy in Ireland. (and by made out I mean I do it every time I go to Ireland.)
Second, when we were in high school I used to watch the Beast Master on UPN.
Yep, I know I should be ashamed of that fact, but I am not.
First off, I am not talking about the 1988 movie with Gov. Arnie, no….I’m talking the T.V. show with Daniel Goddard.
This is the Beast Master (hey he could master my beast any day!! what?? was that wrong??):
He was like a bigger and less stoned Gavin Rossdale. Who had tiger instead of a guitar.
For the life of me I can not tell you what that show was supposed to be about or who the other characters were. I can just tell you that I spent one hour each Saturday have very dirty and un-catholic like thoughts about this man.
First: My transition from pretty boys (Jonathan Brandis, NKOTB, etc.) was the 1997/1998 U of M football season. That’s the year I fell in love with Brian Griese, and I was 15 years old.
I know what you’re thinking, “but Joanie….you HATE u of m.”
I hate them now, back then I was an impressionable teenager. My aunt (who was more like my sister) went to U of M at the time and I wanted to be just like her.
I grew out of that, went to the better school (SPARTY ON!!!) and I love my Spartans, but I still think Brian Griese is a hottie.
Not gonna lie, he got me out of the pretty boy stage and into the BIG mudgy real guy stage. Thank you Brian Griese, thank you.
If it wasn’t for you and your mudgyness (which is more muscle then pudge) I might still be into guys that would borrow my jeans and spent more time getting ready then I did.
However, it is also your fault that I fell for and dated the hockey stud in college and made out with the freakishly tall and mudgy (more pudge then mudge) rugby guy in Ireland. (and by made out I mean I do it every time I go to Ireland.)
Second, when we were in high school I used to watch the Beast Master on UPN.
Yep, I know I should be ashamed of that fact, but I am not.
First off, I am not talking about the 1988 movie with Gov. Arnie, no….I’m talking the T.V. show with Daniel Goddard.
This is the Beast Master (hey he could master my beast any day!! what?? was that wrong??):
He was like a bigger and less stoned Gavin Rossdale. Who had tiger instead of a guitar.
For the life of me I can not tell you what that show was supposed to be about or who the other characters were. I can just tell you that I spent one hour each Saturday have very dirty and un-catholic like thoughts about this man.
Friday's Random Thoughts
Last night we watched DA BEARS game at BDubs. At one point and time Kate and I were coming back from the bathroom and we had to walk through this see of guys. They were all tall, pretty, dressed sharply and smelled expensive. They screamed Frat boy…..they were probably BETAs. (Having dated one on and off for 2 yrs and one of my really good friends being one…I can sniff them out.)
The second time I went to the washroom one of them stopped me and said. “You look like a fun lady. My buddy here, do you like his shirt like it is……or with his collar popped?”
Me: “Are you serious?”
BETA: “yeah. What do you think?”
Me: “Well that depends, which one of you guys is his boyfriend?”
The rest of them laughed, but I don’t think Einstein who was asking the questions got it. I love BDubs, it reminds me of college!!!
DA BEARS won!!!!!!!!!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Later that night while checking in on Nicole’s kitties I fell asleep on the couch. I fell asleep watching the lame MTV VMAs, and as a result I had the weirdest dream.
I was on a sail boat with Justin Timberlake. He was in his typical Frat boy type outfit and I was wearing my long black formal dress. (Please don’t ask)
We were standing there drinking wine when I suddenly said: “No Justin, I’M brining sexy back…..”
Apparently I am a tool in my dreams.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A couple of weeks ago I received a very interesting phone call from my mom:
“JOANIE!!! I just read in a magazine that the number one survey for men…..and this was from real men surveyed……was when a girl is a 1st grade teacher. Good thing you started graduate school!”
Thanks mom. I’m so glad we have our priorities straight.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Kayla thinks I should respond to some of the personal ads. Go on dates with the weirdoes and write about it
Sure I should risk being kidnapped and kept in a closet by some lonely desperate psycho so when I am finally found alive I can use it to entertain you assholes.
NO thank you!
The second time I went to the washroom one of them stopped me and said. “You look like a fun lady. My buddy here, do you like his shirt like it is……or with his collar popped?”
Me: “Are you serious?”
BETA: “yeah. What do you think?”
Me: “Well that depends, which one of you guys is his boyfriend?”
The rest of them laughed, but I don’t think Einstein who was asking the questions got it. I love BDubs, it reminds me of college!!!
DA BEARS won!!!!!!!!!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Later that night while checking in on Nicole’s kitties I fell asleep on the couch. I fell asleep watching the lame MTV VMAs, and as a result I had the weirdest dream.
I was on a sail boat with Justin Timberlake. He was in his typical Frat boy type outfit and I was wearing my long black formal dress. (Please don’t ask)
We were standing there drinking wine when I suddenly said: “No Justin, I’M brining sexy back…..”
Apparently I am a tool in my dreams.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A couple of weeks ago I received a very interesting phone call from my mom:
“JOANIE!!! I just read in a magazine that the number one survey for men…..and this was from real men surveyed……was when a girl is a 1st grade teacher. Good thing you started graduate school!”
Thanks mom. I’m so glad we have our priorities straight.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Kayla thinks I should respond to some of the personal ads. Go on dates with the weirdoes and write about it
Sure I should risk being kidnapped and kept in a closet by some lonely desperate psycho so when I am finally found alive I can use it to entertain you assholes.
NO thank you!
Thursday, August 31, 2006
Tie Me UP, Tie Me Down.......
In case you thought it couldn’t get better…………..
catholic boy seeks technical virgin for shameful humping – 29
Looking for a girl who is obsessed with sex and does "everything but" - preferably an actual technical virgin but a post-slut will be considered. Should also be into bataille, mid-century modern furniture, and time consuming headgames about guilt over enjoying sex so long as we still get to do it in the butt every day - afterwards we can even go to confession.
I don’t think you could have made-up anything better then this one. Honestly, this might be my favorite. Sadly, due to the fact that parents today are to scared to talk about sex and Sex Education in schools is a joke now……..there are a LOT of girls out there who can be conned into this.
“Hey baby, as long as I can’t get you pregnant it’s not sex, you’ll still be a virgin.”
“Really??”
“Yean, now get on your knees and say “aaahhhh” when you’re done with that, turn around.”
ARE THERE ANY CUTE GIRLS THAT ENJOY 420 AND ARE CUTE???? – 26
Opposed to all those cute girls out there that enjoy 420 and are ugly, right?? Right Cheech, go back to your bedroom and roll another fatty.
ATTENTION: Read the following with your crappiest peppy le pu accent. Thank you.
Frenchman for a Lady Special - 23
Welcome, I have just arrived here in Chicago from small town in the North of France, and looking for a lady different and special to have supper with me. She must be very beautiful, and she must move with grace. She must be mannered. Many have said that Frenchmen are the best for pleasing their lady. This I think is true. I will make you happy and teach you many things. You will never be afraid. Many have said that my sexiest part is my lip. I do not know, this is for my lady special to judge. Look at it in this photo. My lady special will have many more sexy parts than me.
Please go on www.craigslist.org the Chicago page and find this guy. CREEPY!! And I am sure that something was lost in the translation and every time he wrote “she” or “lady” he meant “he” and “guy.” Although the phrase “Lady Special” is cracking me up.
STRONG younger woman needed - 36
I am a decent looking, financially secure, fun guy. I am looking for a female in their young 20's who is strong, confident and can assume the role of boss. I am eager to meet such a person and I am able to spoil the right person. I like shopping and fine dining and I go to lots of parties. I am flexible on how dominant you may be.....
In case you were wondering, this means that he wants to be dominated in bed. We’re talking dominatrix and making dress in leather and clean your floors with his tongue.
His mother was probably a HUGE bitch and he can only be aroused when being abused. If he was a woman he would be the perfect match for Mr. Spanky form the previous post.
Or apparently this guy……………
Male Spanking Switch Looking For Female Partner – 50
Retired executive looking for an older lady who likes to spank and be spanked on a regular basis. No sex required or expected but that's your call. Mornings and afternoons available.
They really need to change the name of this from Craig’s list to guys who want to be spanked.
I’m a little confused. This guy says NO sex required to expected. So, um….he just wants to be spanked??? Is this what our parents do when they retire?
Yep, I just made myself sick.
make me an offer – 30
i need a wife. i am 5´4´´, nice and carrying. i think is time to start a family. if marriage is an option for u, tell me what do u expect from this type of relationship.
Again with the honesty. I need a wife, I’m sort…..please someone do me. Listen buddy. Go online to www.womenwhowillmarryyouforagreencard.com and find that special women.
When the kids ask how mommy and daddy met, you can tell them it was love at first payment of $29.99.
Meet me tonight at Durkins Tavern at Halstead and Diversey
Hey I am at Durkins Tavern right now and am writing and doing some work-they have wi-fi! I will be here until about midnight. Anyone care to join in on a beer and a burger or salad? Peace Ron
OK seriously, I go to Durkin’s. We went there ALL the time after softball b/c they sponsored us. I saw a guy working on his laptop and I remember thinking, “WHO does that???”
Well apparently Ron does that, and next time I might approach him and be like “So RON…..how’s getting chicks on Craig’s List treating you??”
But only after a couple of car bombs.
DO GOTH CHICKS LIKE CASH?
Wealthy, very generous, conservative looking 40's, divorced white male, no children, seeks weekly dates. Serious Only
I think this is my old Science teacher, but now he’s willing to pay for it.
Shy Guy Seeks Sexually Aggressive Female - 37
I'm a shy guy who has a lot of trouble meeting women. I've not had sex or any girlfriends in many years and have just about given up. I am seeking a sweet, compassionate, gentle, caring woman to show me some of what I've been missing in and out of the bedroom. I've obviously disease free and safe, looking for a woman who prefers safe sex to risky sex and who prefers the company of shy intelligent beta men to the company of cocky outgoing alpha male jerks.
Ladies and Gentlemen, may I introduce you to the REAL 40 year old VIRGIN!!!!
PLEASE BE ADVISED: The post made baby Jesus cry……..
hey chubby hipster girl, let me lick your ass while you fall asleep – 28
bonus points if you are short, cranky, jewish / persian / uzbek and wear chunky nerd glasses (you won't have to wear the glasses to bed). not looking for any kind of reciprocal arrangement, just a lady who from time to time would enjoy having a man lick her ass while she fell asleep. good hygeine a must. sleepover optional. "420" would be cool. liking bands like acid mothers temple or composers like steve reich would make this a special experience for me. if you wanted to put on a lake of dracula record, tie me up and plow me with a strap-on that would be cool too, but that should probably be the subject of another ad. i'm late 20's, nerdy (actually nerdy, not some poser art school casualty), thin, sane and ok with my sexuality, a good conversationalist (if that's relevant).
I hope to GOD this is fake. PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE let this be something someone made up b/c they were trying to be funny.
I really don’t think that one can be topped. For now at least.
catholic boy seeks technical virgin for shameful humping – 29
Looking for a girl who is obsessed with sex and does "everything but" - preferably an actual technical virgin but a post-slut will be considered. Should also be into bataille, mid-century modern furniture, and time consuming headgames about guilt over enjoying sex so long as we still get to do it in the butt every day - afterwards we can even go to confession.
I don’t think you could have made-up anything better then this one. Honestly, this might be my favorite. Sadly, due to the fact that parents today are to scared to talk about sex and Sex Education in schools is a joke now……..there are a LOT of girls out there who can be conned into this.
“Hey baby, as long as I can’t get you pregnant it’s not sex, you’ll still be a virgin.”
“Really??”
“Yean, now get on your knees and say “aaahhhh” when you’re done with that, turn around.”
ARE THERE ANY CUTE GIRLS THAT ENJOY 420 AND ARE CUTE???? – 26
Opposed to all those cute girls out there that enjoy 420 and are ugly, right?? Right Cheech, go back to your bedroom and roll another fatty.
ATTENTION: Read the following with your crappiest peppy le pu accent. Thank you.
Frenchman for a Lady Special - 23
Welcome, I have just arrived here in Chicago from small town in the North of France, and looking for a lady different and special to have supper with me. She must be very beautiful, and she must move with grace. She must be mannered. Many have said that Frenchmen are the best for pleasing their lady. This I think is true. I will make you happy and teach you many things. You will never be afraid. Many have said that my sexiest part is my lip. I do not know, this is for my lady special to judge. Look at it in this photo. My lady special will have many more sexy parts than me.
Please go on www.craigslist.org the Chicago page and find this guy. CREEPY!! And I am sure that something was lost in the translation and every time he wrote “she” or “lady” he meant “he” and “guy.” Although the phrase “Lady Special” is cracking me up.
STRONG younger woman needed - 36
I am a decent looking, financially secure, fun guy. I am looking for a female in their young 20's who is strong, confident and can assume the role of boss. I am eager to meet such a person and I am able to spoil the right person. I like shopping and fine dining and I go to lots of parties. I am flexible on how dominant you may be.....
In case you were wondering, this means that he wants to be dominated in bed. We’re talking dominatrix and making dress in leather and clean your floors with his tongue.
His mother was probably a HUGE bitch and he can only be aroused when being abused. If he was a woman he would be the perfect match for Mr. Spanky form the previous post.
Or apparently this guy……………
Male Spanking Switch Looking For Female Partner – 50
Retired executive looking for an older lady who likes to spank and be spanked on a regular basis. No sex required or expected but that's your call. Mornings and afternoons available.
They really need to change the name of this from Craig’s list to guys who want to be spanked.
I’m a little confused. This guy says NO sex required to expected. So, um….he just wants to be spanked??? Is this what our parents do when they retire?
Yep, I just made myself sick.
make me an offer – 30
i need a wife. i am 5´4´´, nice and carrying. i think is time to start a family. if marriage is an option for u, tell me what do u expect from this type of relationship.
Again with the honesty. I need a wife, I’m sort…..please someone do me. Listen buddy. Go online to www.womenwhowillmarryyouforagreencard.com and find that special women.
When the kids ask how mommy and daddy met, you can tell them it was love at first payment of $29.99.
Meet me tonight at Durkins Tavern at Halstead and Diversey
Hey I am at Durkins Tavern right now and am writing and doing some work-they have wi-fi! I will be here until about midnight. Anyone care to join in on a beer and a burger or salad? Peace Ron
OK seriously, I go to Durkin’s. We went there ALL the time after softball b/c they sponsored us. I saw a guy working on his laptop and I remember thinking, “WHO does that???”
Well apparently Ron does that, and next time I might approach him and be like “So RON…..how’s getting chicks on Craig’s List treating you??”
But only after a couple of car bombs.
DO GOTH CHICKS LIKE CASH?
Wealthy, very generous, conservative looking 40's, divorced white male, no children, seeks weekly dates. Serious Only
I think this is my old Science teacher, but now he’s willing to pay for it.
Shy Guy Seeks Sexually Aggressive Female - 37
I'm a shy guy who has a lot of trouble meeting women. I've not had sex or any girlfriends in many years and have just about given up. I am seeking a sweet, compassionate, gentle, caring woman to show me some of what I've been missing in and out of the bedroom. I've obviously disease free and safe, looking for a woman who prefers safe sex to risky sex and who prefers the company of shy intelligent beta men to the company of cocky outgoing alpha male jerks.
Ladies and Gentlemen, may I introduce you to the REAL 40 year old VIRGIN!!!!
PLEASE BE ADVISED: The post made baby Jesus cry……..
hey chubby hipster girl, let me lick your ass while you fall asleep – 28
bonus points if you are short, cranky, jewish / persian / uzbek and wear chunky nerd glasses (you won't have to wear the glasses to bed). not looking for any kind of reciprocal arrangement, just a lady who from time to time would enjoy having a man lick her ass while she fell asleep. good hygeine a must. sleepover optional. "420" would be cool. liking bands like acid mothers temple or composers like steve reich would make this a special experience for me. if you wanted to put on a lake of dracula record, tie me up and plow me with a strap-on that would be cool too, but that should probably be the subject of another ad. i'm late 20's, nerdy (actually nerdy, not some poser art school casualty), thin, sane and ok with my sexuality, a good conversationalist (if that's relevant).
I hope to GOD this is fake. PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE let this be something someone made up b/c they were trying to be funny.
I really don’t think that one can be topped. For now at least.
It Could Always Be Worse
Sometime ago one of my roommates (I have two now) was bored and was reading the personals on Craig’s List. We found some funny ones that had us laughing.
Since I was on hold with Cook County (aka…sitting on hold for 30 min) I decided to check out those personals.
The following are some of the funniest and oddest things I have ever read. They have also reminded me that as far as dating goes, it could be A LOT worse. So sit back and enjoy!
YES, I Spank! ~32
I think it's imperative for a happy, loving marriage. Though I know that limits my dating options, I won't see a woman unless she understands the importance of discipline within the confines of a healthy relationship.
…………..Ok, first off let me say that I applaud his sense of kinkiness. However, as I am all for a little spanking or a little handcuff action, (what?? Was that to much info???) the part that scares me is the “importance of discipline.”
Honestly, I have a really strong feeling that this guy has a dungeon in his house. Filled with whips, paddles with spikes, gags, and all that scary leather stuff you can find in S&M shops. At the very least he has a giant wooden box under his bed where he is going to keep whomever answers this add.
One Time Offer!!! ~46
Another year, another try. Me - Professional, 5'10" athletic, blue eyes, brown hair. Good looking. Divorced, daughter in college. Looking for a fun, outgoing lady. If this is you send a picture.
Um, if this is “another try” something tells me that it’s not a one time offer. Don’t try to make it sound like Brad Pitt is posting on Craig’s list to find someone to go see a ball game with, and this is our only shot at going with him. Morons.
Take Away My Loneliness. ~25
I never thought 25 would be the loneliest time of my life! Everyone is after something that I am not. I know I'm not the most handsome guy, but I still have a heart and it's like even when I respond to ads I can never even get a kind response back. But I'll keep trying.
This is NOT the way to pick up women. We don’t like whiney men who are ONLINE saying how sad they are to be alone. The only person you MIGHT pick up with this is a 45 year old divorced librarian who has 20 cats and rents out her basement to that weird guy who smells like cheese. However, chances are even she would rather date cheese man then respond to you.
chat or phone NOW? - 31
Tall attractive and impatient. Send me an email and lets get started.
$10.00 says he’s a two pump chump and was on Ritalin when he was a kid.
Seeking women with herpes – 21
Seeking a women with herpes. Fun, attractive guy here. Pic for pic, no pic no reply
At least he’s honest.
Ugly Guys Need Love Too!! – 37
If you're into intelligence, sense of humor, character and personality more than you are into looks we could be a good match because when it comes to looks, I don't have any. If you're blind and reading this, we could be a match as well. All I'm asking is you are female but I have no laundry list and would love to hear from and meet just about anyone who isn't cruel and who doesn't mind I'm not a "hot guy".
Ok, again honesty is good but sometime one shouldn’t go to far with it at first. If this guy wanted to let us now he was no Gavin Rossdale, then he could have just said so. By writing what he did I am now imagining this guy looks like Sloth from the Goonies. Also, if the girl is blind……she’s not reading this.
Cat Daddy~41
48 years old blue collar job house car all my teeth all my hair never in jail seeking kitty to meow with tell me if you have been declawed
Ummmmm…..ooookkkkk.
Labor Day BBQ’s and Fun
i'm invited to a few barbecues this weekend and hoping to bring a lovely young woman to hang out with me and my wonderful friends. you are guaranteed a good time! drop me a line and tell me more about you ...
a/k/a: I have lied to all my friends and family about finally having a girlfriend. I’m going beg you to go along with the lie and asking you to pretend to be “Susie”. I will give you the back story.
Chances are I am going to show up in a X-Files: Trust No One shirt and am the cheese guy who lives with the cat woman.
I'd like to understand you – 22
Ok buddy, let me tell you right now…..you will NEVER understand us. I have been a female for my whole life and I don’t always understand. Get off the computer, go outside, meet a nice girl and do what every other man does…..listen, lie about us not looking fat, and complain about not understanding us to your friends.
(I only posted the title b/c he goes on for 5 paragraphs about being alone and wanting to be with someone. Blah, blah, blah.)
~~Ok I am stopping this for now. I actually have to get some work done……plus I am laughing so hard at some of these that people are starting to stare.
Oh and there were some great pictures, but I didn’t want to post them. Mostly b/c as funny as they were….they left me with a creepy feeling that I would be reposting pics of someone who should be registered on a sex offender list somewhere.
Since I was on hold with Cook County (aka…sitting on hold for 30 min) I decided to check out those personals.
The following are some of the funniest and oddest things I have ever read. They have also reminded me that as far as dating goes, it could be A LOT worse. So sit back and enjoy!
YES, I Spank! ~32
I think it's imperative for a happy, loving marriage. Though I know that limits my dating options, I won't see a woman unless she understands the importance of discipline within the confines of a healthy relationship.
…………..Ok, first off let me say that I applaud his sense of kinkiness. However, as I am all for a little spanking or a little handcuff action, (what?? Was that to much info???) the part that scares me is the “importance of discipline.”
Honestly, I have a really strong feeling that this guy has a dungeon in his house. Filled with whips, paddles with spikes, gags, and all that scary leather stuff you can find in S&M shops. At the very least he has a giant wooden box under his bed where he is going to keep whomever answers this add.
One Time Offer!!! ~46
Another year, another try. Me - Professional, 5'10" athletic, blue eyes, brown hair. Good looking. Divorced, daughter in college. Looking for a fun, outgoing lady. If this is you send a picture.
Um, if this is “another try” something tells me that it’s not a one time offer. Don’t try to make it sound like Brad Pitt is posting on Craig’s list to find someone to go see a ball game with, and this is our only shot at going with him. Morons.
Take Away My Loneliness. ~25
I never thought 25 would be the loneliest time of my life! Everyone is after something that I am not. I know I'm not the most handsome guy, but I still have a heart and it's like even when I respond to ads I can never even get a kind response back. But I'll keep trying.
This is NOT the way to pick up women. We don’t like whiney men who are ONLINE saying how sad they are to be alone. The only person you MIGHT pick up with this is a 45 year old divorced librarian who has 20 cats and rents out her basement to that weird guy who smells like cheese. However, chances are even she would rather date cheese man then respond to you.
chat or phone NOW? - 31
Tall attractive and impatient. Send me an email and lets get started.
$10.00 says he’s a two pump chump and was on Ritalin when he was a kid.
Seeking women with herpes – 21
Seeking a women with herpes. Fun, attractive guy here. Pic for pic, no pic no reply
At least he’s honest.
Ugly Guys Need Love Too!! – 37
If you're into intelligence, sense of humor, character and personality more than you are into looks we could be a good match because when it comes to looks, I don't have any. If you're blind and reading this, we could be a match as well. All I'm asking is you are female but I have no laundry list and would love to hear from and meet just about anyone who isn't cruel and who doesn't mind I'm not a "hot guy".
Ok, again honesty is good but sometime one shouldn’t go to far with it at first. If this guy wanted to let us now he was no Gavin Rossdale, then he could have just said so. By writing what he did I am now imagining this guy looks like Sloth from the Goonies. Also, if the girl is blind……she’s not reading this.
Cat Daddy~41
48 years old blue collar job house car all my teeth all my hair never in jail seeking kitty to meow with tell me if you have been declawed
Ummmmm…..ooookkkkk.
Labor Day BBQ’s and Fun
i'm invited to a few barbecues this weekend and hoping to bring a lovely young woman to hang out with me and my wonderful friends. you are guaranteed a good time! drop me a line and tell me more about you ...
a/k/a: I have lied to all my friends and family about finally having a girlfriend. I’m going beg you to go along with the lie and asking you to pretend to be “Susie”. I will give you the back story.
Chances are I am going to show up in a X-Files: Trust No One shirt and am the cheese guy who lives with the cat woman.
I'd like to understand you – 22
Ok buddy, let me tell you right now…..you will NEVER understand us. I have been a female for my whole life and I don’t always understand. Get off the computer, go outside, meet a nice girl and do what every other man does…..listen, lie about us not looking fat, and complain about not understanding us to your friends.
(I only posted the title b/c he goes on for 5 paragraphs about being alone and wanting to be with someone. Blah, blah, blah.)
~~Ok I am stopping this for now. I actually have to get some work done……plus I am laughing so hard at some of these that people are starting to stare.
Oh and there were some great pictures, but I didn’t want to post them. Mostly b/c as funny as they were….they left me with a creepy feeling that I would be reposting pics of someone who should be registered on a sex offender list somewhere.
Wednesday, August 30, 2006
Another Reason Why I Drink......
I don’t know who I’ve pissed off. Be it God, Buddha, Allah, mother earth, spirits, Zenu, or whomever……..but someone or something is out to get me.
I can deal with the fact that my boss is going to drive me crazy on a daily basis.
I can deal with the fact that until I graduate from graduate school I will be broke as a joke.
I can even deal with the fact that it is easier to find a Unicorn sitting at the bar having a Labette Blue Light then it is to meet a decent single straight guy in Chicago.
However, everyone has their braking point and I hit it today.
My mom gave me the Honda. The Honda is 12 years old and has 180,000 miles on it. (My aunt had it up at U of M, I had it at State, Allie had it at Northern). It’s a great car, but we wanted the brakes checked out.
I learned this morning that sometime in the near future I will need to spend about $1,000.00 on new brakes. This is in addition to the $7,000.00 + we have already put into the car in the 8 years we have owned it.
OK, that made me sick to my stomach, but again…..I could deal.
As I was leaving the auto care place I realized it was hot inside the Honda, so it hit the window down button….and the fricken window FELL DOWN INTO THE DOOR!!!!!!!!!
I wasn’t even out of the stupid parking lot. So, I pull the car back into the auto garage and walk up to the nice man who checked me out.
Seriously people, I heard the carnie music as I the window was falling into the car. It kind of happened in slow motion, and when it happened I knew it was going to be an expensive window.
While all this is happening, my boss is on the phone bitching at me…b/c that’s what I needed. Look buddy. In August you took three vacations, give me this 1 ½ hrs ok!!
The mechanic tells me they can get the window back up, and if it needs to…tape it to hold it up.
It took 35 minutes for the mechanic to take the inside of my door up, try and get the window up, get the window up and tape it. Then he comes over and tells me that the part that is broken (fancy word for the part that makes the window go up and down) will cost me $300.00 without labor.
So we’re looking at another $1,500.00. Deej has informed me it’s not worth it and we’re going to try and sell the car.
For the time being I am going to be using the Explorer, but eventually we’re hoping to trade in the two Explorers, Honda and my mom’s Sable and get two gas efficient cars.
When that happens I will be signing my sole over to my mother in blood. I will never be able to say no when she asks for something again. EVER.
By the way, all of this happened before 10:00 a.m. If you need me, I am going to be at the bar……….
…………..with the unicorn.
I can deal with the fact that my boss is going to drive me crazy on a daily basis.
I can deal with the fact that until I graduate from graduate school I will be broke as a joke.
I can even deal with the fact that it is easier to find a Unicorn sitting at the bar having a Labette Blue Light then it is to meet a decent single straight guy in Chicago.
However, everyone has their braking point and I hit it today.
My mom gave me the Honda. The Honda is 12 years old and has 180,000 miles on it. (My aunt had it up at U of M, I had it at State, Allie had it at Northern). It’s a great car, but we wanted the brakes checked out.
I learned this morning that sometime in the near future I will need to spend about $1,000.00 on new brakes. This is in addition to the $7,000.00 + we have already put into the car in the 8 years we have owned it.
OK, that made me sick to my stomach, but again…..I could deal.
As I was leaving the auto care place I realized it was hot inside the Honda, so it hit the window down button….and the fricken window FELL DOWN INTO THE DOOR!!!!!!!!!
I wasn’t even out of the stupid parking lot. So, I pull the car back into the auto garage and walk up to the nice man who checked me out.
Seriously people, I heard the carnie music as I the window was falling into the car. It kind of happened in slow motion, and when it happened I knew it was going to be an expensive window.
While all this is happening, my boss is on the phone bitching at me…b/c that’s what I needed. Look buddy. In August you took three vacations, give me this 1 ½ hrs ok!!
The mechanic tells me they can get the window back up, and if it needs to…tape it to hold it up.
It took 35 minutes for the mechanic to take the inside of my door up, try and get the window up, get the window up and tape it. Then he comes over and tells me that the part that is broken (fancy word for the part that makes the window go up and down) will cost me $300.00 without labor.
So we’re looking at another $1,500.00. Deej has informed me it’s not worth it and we’re going to try and sell the car.
For the time being I am going to be using the Explorer, but eventually we’re hoping to trade in the two Explorers, Honda and my mom’s Sable and get two gas efficient cars.
When that happens I will be signing my sole over to my mother in blood. I will never be able to say no when she asks for something again. EVER.
By the way, all of this happened before 10:00 a.m. If you need me, I am going to be at the bar……….
…………..with the unicorn.
Tuesday, August 29, 2006
I should apologize now…....
You know those stupid surveys you get via email??? Ever fill them out?? Yeah me too.
Well here’s another stupid one, and I am board so I am posting it. Don’t laugh to hard. Oh and I decided it was to long, so I took out some of them…..only left the funny ones. That’s why the numbers are all jacked up.
1. do you sleep with your closet doors open or closed?
closed, with so many gay friends I am afraid of who is going to come out of it.
2. do you take the shampoo & conditioner bottles from hotel rooms?
yes, but more importantly I steal cool beer glasses from bars.
3. have you ever 'done it' in a hotel room?
yes, and at one point the person next door asked us to keep it down.
4. have you ever stolen a street sign before?
yes, drunk in Ireland. My irish friends did it all the time so it was kind of an initiation. The sign was in Gaelic.
5. do you like to use post-it notes?
you have no idea. I have an obsession. When I was house manager in my sorority I left post-it notes EVERYWHERE!!! “do the dishes” “move your car” It was obnoxious!
7. would you rather be attacked by a big bear or a swarm of bees?
A big bear. I might be able to survive a mauling. However, I am allergic to bees and would 100% end up like Thomas J in “My Girl.” “His glasses!!! He can’t see without his glasses!!!”
19. is it okay for guys to wear pink?
hmm, I don’t know. I’ll go ask his boyfriend.
21. whats your favorite scary movie?
Exorcist and Stigmata. When I was younger my dad’s girlfriend let us play with a Ouija board. When my mom found out (Irish Catholic woman) she flipped and put my sister and I in her room, put on the Exorcist, turned off the lights and said “Play with it again and this will happen to you.”
I have never touched one since.
22. where would you bury hidden treasure if you had some?
at Tiffany’s and other stores, and by bury I mean spend.
25. what is your favorite food/cuisine?
POTATOES!!!!!!!!!
26. what movies could you watch over and over and still love?
The Wedding Date and Miracle
28. were you a boy/girl scout?
I was a brownie for 3 weeks, but it was the same time at CCD and CCD was more important.
38. when you were a kid what did you dress up as for halloween?
one year I was a hockey player, one year I was a Bears player and then the following year I remembered I was a GIRL and I was a princess for 3 years and then a witch. (She’s a witch....BURN HER!!!)
40. how many languages can you speak?
englis, drunk and child
43. are you stubborn?
I read this as “are you STILLBORN.” Yeah I would say I am a tad stubborn. My mother and friends would say that I was a little more then tad.
47. sing in the car?
it’s a good thing the weather is getting colder, b/c my windows will be up and the noise pollution will stop.
50. ever used a gun?
not yet, but I know the first person I’ll shoot.
I mean NO.
54. ever eat a pierogie?
they’re made with potatoes. Do you have to ask?
56. occupations you wanted to be when you were a kid?
I wanted to be the first female football coach for the Chicago Bears!
58. ever have a deja-vue feeling?
all the time….but not now
105. are you good with kids?
Yeah, I’m like the piped piper of children. Honestly, they love me and I love them. At Nicole’s wedding I spent a lot of dance floor time with the ring bearer and flower girl. (they were waaaaaaaaay to cute) I’m not sure if that was a good thing though, as Joanie was a tad drunkie drunkie. Oh well as someone put, its not like I gave my glass of wine to the kids and was like “hold it until Auntie Joanie is thirsty!”
Tonight I might be seeing SNAKES ON A PLANE!!!! And by seeing I mean watching it between my fingers as snakes creep me out.
Well here’s another stupid one, and I am board so I am posting it. Don’t laugh to hard. Oh and I decided it was to long, so I took out some of them…..only left the funny ones. That’s why the numbers are all jacked up.
1. do you sleep with your closet doors open or closed?
closed, with so many gay friends I am afraid of who is going to come out of it.
2. do you take the shampoo & conditioner bottles from hotel rooms?
yes, but more importantly I steal cool beer glasses from bars.
3. have you ever 'done it' in a hotel room?
yes, and at one point the person next door asked us to keep it down.
4. have you ever stolen a street sign before?
yes, drunk in Ireland. My irish friends did it all the time so it was kind of an initiation. The sign was in Gaelic.
5. do you like to use post-it notes?
you have no idea. I have an obsession. When I was house manager in my sorority I left post-it notes EVERYWHERE!!! “do the dishes” “move your car” It was obnoxious!
7. would you rather be attacked by a big bear or a swarm of bees?
A big bear. I might be able to survive a mauling. However, I am allergic to bees and would 100% end up like Thomas J in “My Girl.” “His glasses!!! He can’t see without his glasses!!!”
19. is it okay for guys to wear pink?
hmm, I don’t know. I’ll go ask his boyfriend.
21. whats your favorite scary movie?
Exorcist and Stigmata. When I was younger my dad’s girlfriend let us play with a Ouija board. When my mom found out (Irish Catholic woman) she flipped and put my sister and I in her room, put on the Exorcist, turned off the lights and said “Play with it again and this will happen to you.”
I have never touched one since.
22. where would you bury hidden treasure if you had some?
at Tiffany’s and other stores, and by bury I mean spend.
25. what is your favorite food/cuisine?
POTATOES!!!!!!!!!
26. what movies could you watch over and over and still love?
The Wedding Date and Miracle
28. were you a boy/girl scout?
I was a brownie for 3 weeks, but it was the same time at CCD and CCD was more important.
38. when you were a kid what did you dress up as for halloween?
one year I was a hockey player, one year I was a Bears player and then the following year I remembered I was a GIRL and I was a princess for 3 years and then a witch. (She’s a witch....BURN HER!!!)
40. how many languages can you speak?
englis, drunk and child
43. are you stubborn?
I read this as “are you STILLBORN.” Yeah I would say I am a tad stubborn. My mother and friends would say that I was a little more then tad.
47. sing in the car?
it’s a good thing the weather is getting colder, b/c my windows will be up and the noise pollution will stop.
50. ever used a gun?
not yet, but I know the first person I’ll shoot.
I mean NO.
54. ever eat a pierogie?
they’re made with potatoes. Do you have to ask?
56. occupations you wanted to be when you were a kid?
I wanted to be the first female football coach for the Chicago Bears!
58. ever have a deja-vue feeling?
all the time….but not now
105. are you good with kids?
Yeah, I’m like the piped piper of children. Honestly, they love me and I love them. At Nicole’s wedding I spent a lot of dance floor time with the ring bearer and flower girl. (they were waaaaaaaaay to cute) I’m not sure if that was a good thing though, as Joanie was a tad drunkie drunkie. Oh well as someone put, its not like I gave my glass of wine to the kids and was like “hold it until Auntie Joanie is thirsty!”
Tonight I might be seeing SNAKES ON A PLANE!!!! And by seeing I mean watching it between my fingers as snakes creep me out.
Friday, August 25, 2006
Random Things You Do Not Care About
Totally random, but I really like Salt n’ vinegar chips.
I do, and I had the best when I was in Ireland. My friend took me to this bar and we ordered them. WOW!!! They were so good. There were so sour they made my eyes water.
I loved it.
I also really like Peanut Butter and Picklelilly smammiches. Sweet picklelilly is better then dill, but both will do.
My grams made them for me. She is also the one who called it picklelilly. Most people call it relish.
Other weird and random things, b/c they say the first step to recovery is admitting you have the problem:
~I like things in even numbers. At times this borders on OCD.
~I like to reread parts of certain books to put me in a good mood.
~I’ve babysat so much I know almost all the theme songs to the Nick Jr. shows
~I know almost every Veggie Tale song
~I know a LOT of random things……test me
~I only have to hear a song a couple times to know almost every word. My specialty is rap.
~When I was younger I was convinced my grandpa was Mr. Clean b/c they looked alike.
~I HATED Monty Python and the Holy Grail the first time I saw it; now its one of my favorite movies.
~My friends tell me I say Chicago funny
~according to Kate I create funny Joanie-isms with my spelling errors. Example: shellfish bish.
~I can do an American version Irish Car Bomb in 3 seconds……I can do a real Irish Car Bomb in about 5.
OK that was fun. I’m sure there are more seeing as though I am an amazingly diverse person.
Yes, I meant to put diverse and not perverse. Assholes.
OK!! I am off to get ready for the BEARS GAME!!!!!!!!!! YEAH!!!!!!!!!!!!! THANK YOU BABY JESUS, its football time!!!!
(I realize no one cared about the above…I was just bored….just laugh at it ok…..you know I’m funny as hell.)
I do, and I had the best when I was in Ireland. My friend took me to this bar and we ordered them. WOW!!! They were so good. There were so sour they made my eyes water.
I loved it.
I also really like Peanut Butter and Picklelilly smammiches. Sweet picklelilly is better then dill, but both will do.
My grams made them for me. She is also the one who called it picklelilly. Most people call it relish.
Other weird and random things, b/c they say the first step to recovery is admitting you have the problem:
~I like things in even numbers. At times this borders on OCD.
~I like to reread parts of certain books to put me in a good mood.
~I’ve babysat so much I know almost all the theme songs to the Nick Jr. shows
~I know almost every Veggie Tale song
~I know a LOT of random things……test me
~I only have to hear a song a couple times to know almost every word. My specialty is rap.
~When I was younger I was convinced my grandpa was Mr. Clean b/c they looked alike.
~I HATED Monty Python and the Holy Grail the first time I saw it; now its one of my favorite movies.
~My friends tell me I say Chicago funny
~according to Kate I create funny Joanie-isms with my spelling errors. Example: shellfish bish.
~I can do an American version Irish Car Bomb in 3 seconds……I can do a real Irish Car Bomb in about 5.
OK that was fun. I’m sure there are more seeing as though I am an amazingly diverse person.
Yes, I meant to put diverse and not perverse. Assholes.
OK!! I am off to get ready for the BEARS GAME!!!!!!!!!! YEAH!!!!!!!!!!!!! THANK YOU BABY JESUS, its football time!!!!
(I realize no one cared about the above…I was just bored….just laugh at it ok…..you know I’m funny as hell.)
My Preteen Love
In 1993 I was 12 years old and I had the BIGGEST crush on Jonathan Brandis. Honest to God, I loved him.
He was in all the Tiger Beat and teen magazines (along with the other love of my life, Kirk Cameron), and they were all over my walls.
Does anyone remember Sea Quest??? Because I do, and I think my mom does. God knows if we weren’t home five minutes before that show started it would be all out war.
Jonathan Brandis - Sea Quest Pilot
How cute was he? I love that smarmy attitude and rugged good looks.
My sister and I even fought over who got to like him, because we were not allowed to like the same guy. I mean come on, if I let her like Jonathan Brandis too what would happen the day he came to the door looking for a girlfriend??? Think about this people! It would cause MAJOR family drama.
So I came up with a plan. I would get Jonathan Brandis and Allie would get Jonathan Taylor Thomas. The trick to this was to make sure Allie actually thought that I liked JTT. She fell for it.
Now if you’re reading this and don’t understand why this was such an important thing, and why we couldn’t share….then you: A) never were a preteen/teenage girl and/or B) never had a little sister that had to do EVERYTHING you do.
Honestly, to truly understand the importance of this compromise I really think you had to be a 12 year old girl who was under the greatest of thinkings that one day you would be Mrs. Jonathan Brandis.
I think that torch flamed for a long time. While all my girlfriends were interested in those stinky smelly boys we actually went to school with…..my heart belonged to Jonathan Brandis. Ahhh the memories.
As cute as he was I can only look back on some of my childhood crushes and wonder what kind of drugs my mom was slipping into the Mac and Cheese.
Think about it. New Kids on the Bock??? Jonathan Brandis??? Kirk Cameron?? These pretty boys are a far cry from the guys I like now.
Oh well, to be young and obsessed. I sometimes wonder how rich I would be if I would have saved the money rather than spending it on the 20 Tiger Beat type magazines I bought a week.
I mean really, how many posters that have stple marks down the middle does a girl really need???
(by the way, the boss is out of town and I have already finshed all my work for the day, which means there might be about 10000000 more posts. Although I've said that before and then done nothing.....so we'll see)
He was in all the Tiger Beat and teen magazines (along with the other love of my life, Kirk Cameron), and they were all over my walls.
Does anyone remember Sea Quest??? Because I do, and I think my mom does. God knows if we weren’t home five minutes before that show started it would be all out war.
Jonathan Brandis - Sea Quest Pilot
How cute was he? I love that smarmy attitude and rugged good looks.
My sister and I even fought over who got to like him, because we were not allowed to like the same guy. I mean come on, if I let her like Jonathan Brandis too what would happen the day he came to the door looking for a girlfriend??? Think about this people! It would cause MAJOR family drama.
So I came up with a plan. I would get Jonathan Brandis and Allie would get Jonathan Taylor Thomas. The trick to this was to make sure Allie actually thought that I liked JTT. She fell for it.
Now if you’re reading this and don’t understand why this was such an important thing, and why we couldn’t share….then you: A) never were a preteen/teenage girl and/or B) never had a little sister that had to do EVERYTHING you do.
Honestly, to truly understand the importance of this compromise I really think you had to be a 12 year old girl who was under the greatest of thinkings that one day you would be Mrs. Jonathan Brandis.
I think that torch flamed for a long time. While all my girlfriends were interested in those stinky smelly boys we actually went to school with…..my heart belonged to Jonathan Brandis. Ahhh the memories.
As cute as he was I can only look back on some of my childhood crushes and wonder what kind of drugs my mom was slipping into the Mac and Cheese.
Think about it. New Kids on the Bock??? Jonathan Brandis??? Kirk Cameron?? These pretty boys are a far cry from the guys I like now.
Oh well, to be young and obsessed. I sometimes wonder how rich I would be if I would have saved the money rather than spending it on the 20 Tiger Beat type magazines I bought a week.
I mean really, how many posters that have stple marks down the middle does a girl really need???
(by the way, the boss is out of town and I have already finshed all my work for the day, which means there might be about 10000000 more posts. Although I've said that before and then done nothing.....so we'll see)
Thursday, August 24, 2006
Jenna Jameson has NOTHING on Kayla
I might just be the most boring person in the world, or at least out of my friends.
Seriously, lately I have been talking to these people and they’re doing wild and crazy things, while the wildest thing I’ve done is hit the snooze button three times.
Kennice just got back from backpacking through Europe for six weeks. While in Europe not only did she brave (aka loved every minute of it) going out with six Italian men one night, but she also went sky diving.
Please let it be known that the only time I will be jumping out of a plane is if it is crashing to the ground and jumping out is the only way to save my life.
My sister just got back form a month in Italy. While there she studied opera and sang in one of Italy’s greatest opera venues. She also spent a week in Germany with a guy who is going to compose an orchestra piece for/about her.
Yeah……I almost have no words for that one. I only sing in the shower or drunken karaoke singing at Trader Todds. The closest I’ve come to beautiful music being about/for me was when I dated Mr. Frat boy and he put aviators on and serenaded me with “You’ve Lost That Loving Felling.” Oh it was a spectacle, I wish…WISH…I had video of it.
Matt and Tom are in Australia swimming with sharks and going on outback tours.
My roommates are going camping in the next couple weeks. I mean REAL camping. NO indoor plumbing building where you can take showers or use toilets, and I think they have to watch out for bears. Awwwwww, it’s too bad I have classes on Saturdays. ;)
Kate has driven cross country in a quest to see random shit across America.
However great all these things are, I would have to say my most interesting friends with the most interesting lives are, of course, Kayla and Brett. Actually, it’s Kayla more then anything, but Brett is along for the “ride” so we’ll include him.
So a couple of days ago I get a call from Kayla, and she is bitching and moaning about her and Brett having conflicting work schedules. She’s going on and on about how she has been working nights and gets home after he leaves for work in the morning. (Her vet clinic is short staffed at the moment.)
While one might think that this is her sadness for not being able to spend more time together, “one” might be wrong. Nope, she’s complaining because they have not had sex in two weeks.
Two weeks?? Kayla hunny, add about 166 weeks to those two and we’ll talk about who has the right to complain about a lack of sex life.
Anyway, yesterday about 4:00sih she calls me again (its 3:00 her time), but this time she is all happy and giddy.
“JOANIE!!! I couldn’t take it anymore. After I took care of the dogs I got into my car, drove the 30 minutes into Denver, walked into his office, slammed the door and told him we were F***ing right there and then. So we did it…….on his desk………twice.”
She’s such a porn star. WHO DOES THAT???? I really thought things like this only happened in movies, but no…..they happen to Kayla and Brett.
Never, ever have I had the urge to march into my boyfriend’s office and demand sex on the desk. OK, maybe the thought has crossed my mind (when I had someone to cross it about) but I don’t think I would ever have the guts to carry it out.
This just the latest installments on why I am convinced that Kayla is really an alien with the goal of world domination. She’ll just sex to death all the men, lesbians, bi-sexuals and drunken sorostitutes in the world while the rest of us look on in shock.
I can hear her laughing now. I am sure once she reads this post I am going to get a call, texted or email “What, jealous?”
And the answer is Yes…..yes I am.
Seriously, lately I have been talking to these people and they’re doing wild and crazy things, while the wildest thing I’ve done is hit the snooze button three times.
Kennice just got back from backpacking through Europe for six weeks. While in Europe not only did she brave (aka loved every minute of it) going out with six Italian men one night, but she also went sky diving.
Please let it be known that the only time I will be jumping out of a plane is if it is crashing to the ground and jumping out is the only way to save my life.
My sister just got back form a month in Italy. While there she studied opera and sang in one of Italy’s greatest opera venues. She also spent a week in Germany with a guy who is going to compose an orchestra piece for/about her.
Yeah……I almost have no words for that one. I only sing in the shower or drunken karaoke singing at Trader Todds. The closest I’ve come to beautiful music being about/for me was when I dated Mr. Frat boy and he put aviators on and serenaded me with “You’ve Lost That Loving Felling.” Oh it was a spectacle, I wish…WISH…I had video of it.
Matt and Tom are in Australia swimming with sharks and going on outback tours.
My roommates are going camping in the next couple weeks. I mean REAL camping. NO indoor plumbing building where you can take showers or use toilets, and I think they have to watch out for bears. Awwwwww, it’s too bad I have classes on Saturdays. ;)
Kate has driven cross country in a quest to see random shit across America.
However great all these things are, I would have to say my most interesting friends with the most interesting lives are, of course, Kayla and Brett. Actually, it’s Kayla more then anything, but Brett is along for the “ride” so we’ll include him.
So a couple of days ago I get a call from Kayla, and she is bitching and moaning about her and Brett having conflicting work schedules. She’s going on and on about how she has been working nights and gets home after he leaves for work in the morning. (Her vet clinic is short staffed at the moment.)
While one might think that this is her sadness for not being able to spend more time together, “one” might be wrong. Nope, she’s complaining because they have not had sex in two weeks.
Two weeks?? Kayla hunny, add about 166 weeks to those two and we’ll talk about who has the right to complain about a lack of sex life.
Anyway, yesterday about 4:00sih she calls me again (its 3:00 her time), but this time she is all happy and giddy.
“JOANIE!!! I couldn’t take it anymore. After I took care of the dogs I got into my car, drove the 30 minutes into Denver, walked into his office, slammed the door and told him we were F***ing right there and then. So we did it…….on his desk………twice.”
She’s such a porn star. WHO DOES THAT???? I really thought things like this only happened in movies, but no…..they happen to Kayla and Brett.
Never, ever have I had the urge to march into my boyfriend’s office and demand sex on the desk. OK, maybe the thought has crossed my mind (when I had someone to cross it about) but I don’t think I would ever have the guts to carry it out.
This just the latest installments on why I am convinced that Kayla is really an alien with the goal of world domination. She’ll just sex to death all the men, lesbians, bi-sexuals and drunken sorostitutes in the world while the rest of us look on in shock.
I can hear her laughing now. I am sure once she reads this post I am going to get a call, texted or email “What, jealous?”
And the answer is Yes…..yes I am.
Wednesday, August 23, 2006
I can't concentrate. I think I picked up ADD when my hangover subsided on Monday.
So I went on youtube.com and searched for New Kids on the Block videos. I am currently dieing of laughter. These might be some of the best videos in the history of videos.
Sadly, I can go home and watch these as my roommate Sarah owns all the NKOTB videos that were put out in the early 1990s.
I mean try and watch these with a straight face.
First we have Step by Step:
New Kids On The Block - Step by step
I don't know where to start with this....
Ok, the coloring. I love how they added in all the wacky pastels and neon colors. Or Jordan's voice when he hits Step Three "IT'S JUST YOU AND MEEEEEEEEE!"
NO its the dancing, that's what got me. The dancing. At one point and time they are doing their version of the running man.
Watch the video it will bring backawesomee memories!!!
Ok, I was going to try and add more videos to this post, but I suck at this and donÂ’t know how to. You Tube keeps giving them their own pages. So this might turn into a many post obsession.
I was in LOVE with them when I was younger. They came out in the late eighties and hit it big when I was about 7-9ish. My very first tape was a NKOTB tape. I rocked it out.
I was also in love with Joey, Jordan and Jonathan, varying in whom I would marry once I became of age. I never much cared for Danny or Donny. (Donny as you all know is Marky MarkÂ’s brother.)
The marketing gurus behind NKOTB were geniuses. Between the two of us, my sister and I owned the following NKOTB memorabilia:
~ Joey, Jordan and Jonathan Dolls
~ sheets
~ play tent
~ sleeping bangs
~ buttons (remember the button craze of the 80Â’s!!!)
~school supplies
~tapes
~videos
~posters
Honestly, it was sick but we loved it. I remember that Barbie used to date the NKOTB boys because she was sick of Ken. Later in our developmental process (after we learned how babies were made) Barbie and the boys did other things.
I knew all the words to every song and we tried to learn all the dances. We were obsessed.
A year or two ago VH1 tried to reunited the New Kids. that didn't fly, and I was sorely disappointed.
However, Jordan Knight went on to the Surreal Life, and is a sleazy guy as we now know.
Enjoy the video, there should be more to come.
So I went on youtube.com and searched for New Kids on the Block videos. I am currently dieing of laughter. These might be some of the best videos in the history of videos.
Sadly, I can go home and watch these as my roommate Sarah owns all the NKOTB videos that were put out in the early 1990s.
I mean try and watch these with a straight face.
First we have Step by Step:
New Kids On The Block - Step by step
I don't know where to start with this....
Ok, the coloring. I love how they added in all the wacky pastels and neon colors. Or Jordan's voice when he hits Step Three "IT'S JUST YOU AND MEEEEEEEEE!"
NO its the dancing, that's what got me. The dancing. At one point and time they are doing their version of the running man.
Watch the video it will bring backawesomee memories!!!
Ok, I was going to try and add more videos to this post, but I suck at this and donÂ’t know how to. You Tube keeps giving them their own pages. So this might turn into a many post obsession.
I was in LOVE with them when I was younger. They came out in the late eighties and hit it big when I was about 7-9ish. My very first tape was a NKOTB tape. I rocked it out.
I was also in love with Joey, Jordan and Jonathan, varying in whom I would marry once I became of age. I never much cared for Danny or Donny. (Donny as you all know is Marky MarkÂ’s brother.)
The marketing gurus behind NKOTB were geniuses. Between the two of us, my sister and I owned the following NKOTB memorabilia:
~ Joey, Jordan and Jonathan Dolls
~ sheets
~ play tent
~ sleeping bangs
~ buttons (remember the button craze of the 80Â’s!!!)
~school supplies
~tapes
~videos
~posters
Honestly, it was sick but we loved it. I remember that Barbie used to date the NKOTB boys because she was sick of Ken. Later in our developmental process (after we learned how babies were made) Barbie and the boys did other things.
I knew all the words to every song and we tried to learn all the dances. We were obsessed.
A year or two ago VH1 tried to reunited the New Kids. that didn't fly, and I was sorely disappointed.
However, Jordan Knight went on to the Surreal Life, and is a sleazy guy as we now know.
Enjoy the video, there should be more to come.
Papa Don’t Preach
My father is under the impression that I am 3 years old, retarded and pure as the driven snow.
All of the above are three things that I am not. First of all I about abut to turn 25 years old, I am very smart (books and street) AND while I am not a slut…..I am no angel.
I tired explaining to my cousin Tiffany this very thing last Thursday. She didn’t really believe me. I told her how my father is constantly lecturing me about boys and sex. ALL. THE. TIME.
When I dated Chris my father was constantly telling me he was only dating me b/c I was four years younger and he wanted to get in my pants. Geeee THANKS DAD!!!!!!! Maybe it was b/c I am a pretty amazing person.
When I was dating a guy who went to a different college my junior year my dad asked me once where we sleep when I visit. “I sleep in bed and he sleeps on the couch.”
OK so I lied, but it spared me getting the sex lecture 1000 times. My mom was there when I said this. She rolled her eyes and tried to hold back the insane laughter.
Lately is has been getting a lot worse. Anytime a boy or alcohol is mentioned he gives me the TALK.
Point in case, I made mistake of telling my father I can do an Irish Car Bomb in 3 seconds (impressed aren’t you?). I said how my friend Paul is on a mission to beat me, but so far I keep kicking my ass.
My father’s response: “He only keeps buying you those shots because he wants to get you drunk and get you in bed.”
…………………… come on.
Or, he hears me telling my cousin about meeting this guy at the bar and how be bought me drinks.
Dad: “He expected SEEEEEEEEX! Don’t take drinks from people like that.”
I could go on and on and on. However, the final straw came last night. My dad called and asked how Nicole’s wedding went. So I told him how she was beautiful and it was so much fun. How we went out afterwards and then her cousin walked me home.
Brace yourself for what is about to come. Please, and remember I have to deal with this ALL THE TIME.
“Joanie, how many times do I have to tell you that those guys are just trying to get in your pants? Don’t drink around them. Those boys at the wedding were just getting you drinks so you would sleep with them.”
“DAD!!!!!! One of those guys was my friend’s boyfriend. He got in her pants later; I don’t think he was interested in mine. One of those guys I knew for years and he knows he has no chance in hell b/c I have told him that. Moreover, I am not retarded nor am I have years old. Had any of them tried anything I would have stopped it. However, for the record, if I want to do something I will do it!!”
My father hung up on me.
Ok, I don’t expect him to be all: “hey killer, get another notch on your belt? Har har har.” “Did you give that one a good ride? Wink wink” I am not his son, but in the same respect I am not some child troll that has been living under the bed for 25 years and has no idea about these sort of things.
On my way to work this morning my dad called. He said he was disappointed in me for thinking that way, and then launched in on the “when a man penetrates your who who, he penetrated your heart” leacture.
My “who who” where the hell did he get that?
The he reminded me that oral sex is still sex, that Jesus loves me and making out leads to dangerous things.
I almost drove into the back of the truck in front of me.
My father has very little to worry about. In the past three or four years I can count on one hand the number of guys who have interested me enough to put the “who who” on red alert.
All of the above are three things that I am not. First of all I about abut to turn 25 years old, I am very smart (books and street) AND while I am not a slut…..I am no angel.
I tired explaining to my cousin Tiffany this very thing last Thursday. She didn’t really believe me. I told her how my father is constantly lecturing me about boys and sex. ALL. THE. TIME.
When I dated Chris my father was constantly telling me he was only dating me b/c I was four years younger and he wanted to get in my pants. Geeee THANKS DAD!!!!!!! Maybe it was b/c I am a pretty amazing person.
When I was dating a guy who went to a different college my junior year my dad asked me once where we sleep when I visit. “I sleep in bed and he sleeps on the couch.”
OK so I lied, but it spared me getting the sex lecture 1000 times. My mom was there when I said this. She rolled her eyes and tried to hold back the insane laughter.
Lately is has been getting a lot worse. Anytime a boy or alcohol is mentioned he gives me the TALK.
Point in case, I made mistake of telling my father I can do an Irish Car Bomb in 3 seconds (impressed aren’t you?). I said how my friend Paul is on a mission to beat me, but so far I keep kicking my ass.
My father’s response: “He only keeps buying you those shots because he wants to get you drunk and get you in bed.”
…………………… come on.
Or, he hears me telling my cousin about meeting this guy at the bar and how be bought me drinks.
Dad: “He expected SEEEEEEEEX! Don’t take drinks from people like that.”
I could go on and on and on. However, the final straw came last night. My dad called and asked how Nicole’s wedding went. So I told him how she was beautiful and it was so much fun. How we went out afterwards and then her cousin walked me home.
Brace yourself for what is about to come. Please, and remember I have to deal with this ALL THE TIME.
“Joanie, how many times do I have to tell you that those guys are just trying to get in your pants? Don’t drink around them. Those boys at the wedding were just getting you drinks so you would sleep with them.”
“DAD!!!!!! One of those guys was my friend’s boyfriend. He got in her pants later; I don’t think he was interested in mine. One of those guys I knew for years and he knows he has no chance in hell b/c I have told him that. Moreover, I am not retarded nor am I have years old. Had any of them tried anything I would have stopped it. However, for the record, if I want to do something I will do it!!”
My father hung up on me.
Ok, I don’t expect him to be all: “hey killer, get another notch on your belt? Har har har.” “Did you give that one a good ride? Wink wink” I am not his son, but in the same respect I am not some child troll that has been living under the bed for 25 years and has no idea about these sort of things.
On my way to work this morning my dad called. He said he was disappointed in me for thinking that way, and then launched in on the “when a man penetrates your who who, he penetrated your heart” leacture.
My “who who” where the hell did he get that?
The he reminded me that oral sex is still sex, that Jesus loves me and making out leads to dangerous things.
I almost drove into the back of the truck in front of me.
My father has very little to worry about. In the past three or four years I can count on one hand the number of guys who have interested me enough to put the “who who” on red alert.
Tuesday, August 22, 2006
BEAR DOWN!!!!!!!!
Since all my weddings are over and life is starting to get a little more normal, I guess I could update this thing more often.
Well that and my fan club (kelly and kayla) have yelled at me.
So here is a short update since my boss is a slave driver and doesn’t like to give me 5 minutes to eat lunch.
This is going to be a short one.
IT’S FOOTBALL TIME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Thank you baby Jesus!!!!! While I am just starting to rekindle my love with Baseball, it’s still not the same as football.
Football is my first love (outside of Winnie the Pooh!). I was 2 yrs old when I went to my first game. My uncles taught me the Packers suck, and Da Bears and Da Coach were the two greatest things in the world.
It was my grams who would brave the -40 degree weather to cheer her boys on while she bundled up in a fur coat and drank hot cocoa laced with peppermint schnapps.
Yes kiddies, its Bears Football time and I couldn’t be happier. AND to make this whole experience better……my title rep, Carrie, is bringing me BEARS TICKETS FOR FRIDAY NIGHT!!!!!!!!! Now it’s not 100% sure yet, but there is a chance. (If she doesn’t come through I will be so disappointed!!)
So as a public service here is the Bears schedule for the 2006-2007 SUPER BOWL WINNING SEASON!!!!!!!!!!!! (ok….I might be jumping the gun on this one.)
Fri., August 25
vs. Cardinals
Thurs., August 31
@ Browns
Regular Season
Sun., September 10
@ Packers
Sun., September 17
vs. Lions
Sun., September 24
@ Vikings
Sun., October 1
vs. Seahawks
Sun., October 8
vs. Bills
Mon., October 16
@ Cardinals
Sun., October 29
vs. 49ers
Sun., November 5
vs. Dolphins
Sun., November 12
@ Giants
Sun., November 19
@ Jets
Sun., November 26
@ Patriots
Sun., December 3
vs. Vikings
Mon., December 11
@ Rams
Sun., December 17
vs. Bucs
Sun., December 24
@ Lions
Sun., December 31
vs. Packers
I am about to call my mom and inform her that for my birthday I want Bears tickets. They’re playing the PACKERS on December 31. That is 3 days after my 25th birthday. (HINT HINT!!!)
If you are wondering what you can get me, how about those Bears vs. Packers Tickets??? I’ll love you forever.
Now we just need the countdown to hockey season (starting October 5th) and I will be happy.
OK, time to get some more work done. Focusing yesterday was killer and it didn’t happen. So I have to get some things done today. Once Friday hits I should be able to write something funny.
But for now remember this:
Bear down, Chicago Bears, make every play clear the way to victory; Bear down, Chicago Bears, put up a fight with a might so fearlessly.We'll never forget the way you thrilled the nation with your T-formation.Bear down, Chicago Bears, and let them know why you're wearing the crown.You're the pride and joy of Illinois, Chicago Bears, bear down.
Well that and my fan club (kelly and kayla) have yelled at me.
So here is a short update since my boss is a slave driver and doesn’t like to give me 5 minutes to eat lunch.
This is going to be a short one.
IT’S FOOTBALL TIME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Thank you baby Jesus!!!!! While I am just starting to rekindle my love with Baseball, it’s still not the same as football.
Football is my first love (outside of Winnie the Pooh!). I was 2 yrs old when I went to my first game. My uncles taught me the Packers suck, and Da Bears and Da Coach were the two greatest things in the world.
It was my grams who would brave the -40 degree weather to cheer her boys on while she bundled up in a fur coat and drank hot cocoa laced with peppermint schnapps.
Yes kiddies, its Bears Football time and I couldn’t be happier. AND to make this whole experience better……my title rep, Carrie, is bringing me BEARS TICKETS FOR FRIDAY NIGHT!!!!!!!!! Now it’s not 100% sure yet, but there is a chance. (If she doesn’t come through I will be so disappointed!!)
So as a public service here is the Bears schedule for the 2006-2007 SUPER BOWL WINNING SEASON!!!!!!!!!!!! (ok….I might be jumping the gun on this one.)
Fri., August 25
vs. Cardinals
Thurs., August 31
@ Browns
Regular Season
Sun., September 10
@ Packers
Sun., September 17
vs. Lions
Sun., September 24
@ Vikings
Sun., October 1
vs. Seahawks
Sun., October 8
vs. Bills
Mon., October 16
@ Cardinals
Sun., October 29
vs. 49ers
Sun., November 5
vs. Dolphins
Sun., November 12
@ Giants
Sun., November 19
@ Jets
Sun., November 26
@ Patriots
Sun., December 3
vs. Vikings
Mon., December 11
@ Rams
Sun., December 17
vs. Bucs
Sun., December 24
@ Lions
Sun., December 31
vs. Packers
I am about to call my mom and inform her that for my birthday I want Bears tickets. They’re playing the PACKERS on December 31. That is 3 days after my 25th birthday. (HINT HINT!!!)
If you are wondering what you can get me, how about those Bears vs. Packers Tickets??? I’ll love you forever.
Now we just need the countdown to hockey season (starting October 5th) and I will be happy.
OK, time to get some more work done. Focusing yesterday was killer and it didn’t happen. So I have to get some things done today. Once Friday hits I should be able to write something funny.
But for now remember this:
Bear down, Chicago Bears, make every play clear the way to victory; Bear down, Chicago Bears, put up a fight with a might so fearlessly.We'll never forget the way you thrilled the nation with your T-formation.Bear down, Chicago Bears, and let them know why you're wearing the crown.You're the pride and joy of Illinois, Chicago Bears, bear down.
Thursday, July 13, 2006
carnie show now playing in Bad Axe, MI
I’ve actually been so busy at work that I have not had time to write anything witty to entertain the masses. Sorry kids.
Well, I have already been to two weddings and am leaving today for my third.
The first wedding was Erin’s. Dave and I were thirty minutes late as map quest had us in Asia when we really wanted to be in Royal Oak.
Just as we were pulling into the church Erin and her husband (aaahhhh) were coming out. At that time I did what any self respecting person would do. I grabbed Dave and we ran through the back of the church and into the receiving line. Hey, I was there…and that was the important part.
The second wedding was Roommate’s brother’s wedding, and like the one the weekend before….this was a carnie show.
This time my co-pilot was Sarah, and instead of being in a burb of Detroit (where Sarah would have been great help since that’s her hometown area) we were on our way to Ft. Wayne, Indiana.
Basically you take a two lane highway all…the….way…down. All 101.9 miles.
So of course, since nothing can be easy…..Sarah and I were running late. The ceremony started at 6:00 eastern time. At 5:20 eastern tie we were 20 min away. At 5:35 eastern time we were lost on Yarpa Road.
At 5:45 we found the hotel, got our key, ran into the room…threw on our dresses and fixed our make-up and hair a bit and ran to the car. I swear to god we were back in the car at 5:55.
Since Sarah had to put on her makeup (I did most of my pre-hair and makeup back in Chicago) I drove. Cue us FLYING through these side streets to the church.
At 5:59 Sarah and I ran into the church and ducked into seats right before the bride’s mom was lead down the isle. Woooooo THAT WAS CLOSE!!!!
The reception was held at the Elks Lodge and Sarah and I parked in the Elk of the Year’s spot. We proceeded to drink way to much beer and dance like morons all night.
~~Please note: I LOVE Roommate’s family. ~~~~
So as this day winds to an end I am heading to yet another wedding. This time it is in the small town of Bad Axe, MI. Dave and I will be attending his friends’ wedding.
From what I am told there will be more dead animal heads mounted on the wall then people at the reception.
The groom is also wearing cowboy boots. I AM SOOOOO EXCITED!!!!!!!!!
To prepare I have been listing to country music all week. I now know the words to many “marry your cousin” type songs.
This weekend not only brings that carnie show to the surface, but it brings the side show of Sarah and I embarking on yet another road trip together. So please keep some bail money handy…..we might need it.
Peace out home slices……..next week’s entry will be about this wedding and I am sure there will be some stories.
~~OH!!! I almost forgot. Bad Axe, MI is about 1 hr from East Lansing. Not only do we get to drive past Flint, MI……BUT….BUT!!!!!....we get to drive through Amish country!!!!!!!!!!!! And the car will be filled with Dave + me + Sophie (my sister’s dog) + Dave’s two cats + all our shit + Sophie’s cage….all in a cougar. A COUGAR!!! Yep….if we make it to Bad Axe alive….it will be amazing.
Well, I have already been to two weddings and am leaving today for my third.
The first wedding was Erin’s. Dave and I were thirty minutes late as map quest had us in Asia when we really wanted to be in Royal Oak.
Just as we were pulling into the church Erin and her husband (aaahhhh) were coming out. At that time I did what any self respecting person would do. I grabbed Dave and we ran through the back of the church and into the receiving line. Hey, I was there…and that was the important part.
The second wedding was Roommate’s brother’s wedding, and like the one the weekend before….this was a carnie show.
This time my co-pilot was Sarah, and instead of being in a burb of Detroit (where Sarah would have been great help since that’s her hometown area) we were on our way to Ft. Wayne, Indiana.
Basically you take a two lane highway all…the….way…down. All 101.9 miles.
So of course, since nothing can be easy…..Sarah and I were running late. The ceremony started at 6:00 eastern time. At 5:20 eastern tie we were 20 min away. At 5:35 eastern time we were lost on Yarpa Road.
At 5:45 we found the hotel, got our key, ran into the room…threw on our dresses and fixed our make-up and hair a bit and ran to the car. I swear to god we were back in the car at 5:55.
Since Sarah had to put on her makeup (I did most of my pre-hair and makeup back in Chicago) I drove. Cue us FLYING through these side streets to the church.
At 5:59 Sarah and I ran into the church and ducked into seats right before the bride’s mom was lead down the isle. Woooooo THAT WAS CLOSE!!!!
The reception was held at the Elks Lodge and Sarah and I parked in the Elk of the Year’s spot. We proceeded to drink way to much beer and dance like morons all night.
~~Please note: I LOVE Roommate’s family. ~~~~
So as this day winds to an end I am heading to yet another wedding. This time it is in the small town of Bad Axe, MI. Dave and I will be attending his friends’ wedding.
From what I am told there will be more dead animal heads mounted on the wall then people at the reception.
The groom is also wearing cowboy boots. I AM SOOOOO EXCITED!!!!!!!!!
To prepare I have been listing to country music all week. I now know the words to many “marry your cousin” type songs.
This weekend not only brings that carnie show to the surface, but it brings the side show of Sarah and I embarking on yet another road trip together. So please keep some bail money handy…..we might need it.
Peace out home slices……..next week’s entry will be about this wedding and I am sure there will be some stories.
~~OH!!! I almost forgot. Bad Axe, MI is about 1 hr from East Lansing. Not only do we get to drive past Flint, MI……BUT….BUT!!!!!....we get to drive through Amish country!!!!!!!!!!!! And the car will be filled with Dave + me + Sophie (my sister’s dog) + Dave’s two cats + all our shit + Sophie’s cage….all in a cougar. A COUGAR!!! Yep….if we make it to Bad Axe alive….it will be amazing.
Thursday, June 29, 2006
no i'm not dead
So I haven’t written in a bit, and that’s probably b/c nothing has been very interesting or funny….and I’ve been in a “mood.” So why bore you with boring and crabby stuff. I mean really, you should thank me.
I accept cash and Tiffany’s!
Anyway, I’ve been working out in the mornings for the past two weeks. Yes, the mornings. As in 5 A.M!!!!!!I am averaging about 4 mornings a week and then later in the day on weekends. Monday’s and I don’t get along very well.
In order to get to the gym around 5ish, I have to set my alarm for 4:15 a.m. This allows me to hit snooze twice and get up at 4:45 and get ready. I also make sure to drink a LARGE class of water and eat a granola bar before I workout, as going without doing this the first time almost had me pashing out on the elliptical.
5 a.m. at the Lincoln Park Athletic Club (LPAC) is a very interesting time. There are about 5 other people there beside myself; however, there is ALWAYS someone on my favorite machine. Anyway, this workout leads to me being perky and full of energy until I get in my car and sit in traffic on the IKE. Once there, I am always 5 seconds from falling asleep while driving and in desperate need of coffee.
Doesn’t that make you feel safer about being on the outbound Eisenhower at 8:00 a.m?
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I hate telemarketers. Honestly. Not only do they bother me when I am trying to work or do more important things (like click around ESPN.com) but they just might be retarded. Oh wait, must be P.C…….fucking retarded. Ok that’s better.
We get a lot of these calls at my office.
Me: “good afternoon, Smith’s.”
Telemarketer: “yes, is Robert in?”
M: “Junior, Senior. or the third?”
T: “Robert Smith.”
M: “Robert Smith, Jr, Sr, or the third?”
T: “ROBERT SMITH please.” (because saying it louder answers my question.)
M: rolling eyes. “YES, I un-der-stand. I am ASKING you if you need Robert Smith JUNIOR, Robert Smith SENIOR or Robert Smith the THIRD! See there are three of them.”
T: “I am just looking for Robert Smith.”
M: “Um, we have no one in this office by that name.”
Click.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
The following is an example of why I love my friends and why my ass might end up in AA in the future.
A friend of mine has a neighbor who is a wine broker. So said friend will get daily drop offs of open bottles of wine from his neighbor.
This friend, whom I now love, has given me all five of the white wine bottles he had and said in the future the white wine is mine.
I pray to god no one comes over and opens the fridge anytime soon because they will see about 30 cans of beer, 10 bottles of beer, 5 OPEN bottles of wine, 2 closed bottles of wine and some liqueur stashed in the freezer.
Hi my name is Joanie…………………..
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I accept cash and Tiffany’s!
Anyway, I’ve been working out in the mornings for the past two weeks. Yes, the mornings. As in 5 A.M!!!!!!I am averaging about 4 mornings a week and then later in the day on weekends. Monday’s and I don’t get along very well.
In order to get to the gym around 5ish, I have to set my alarm for 4:15 a.m. This allows me to hit snooze twice and get up at 4:45 and get ready. I also make sure to drink a LARGE class of water and eat a granola bar before I workout, as going without doing this the first time almost had me pashing out on the elliptical.
5 a.m. at the Lincoln Park Athletic Club (LPAC) is a very interesting time. There are about 5 other people there beside myself; however, there is ALWAYS someone on my favorite machine. Anyway, this workout leads to me being perky and full of energy until I get in my car and sit in traffic on the IKE. Once there, I am always 5 seconds from falling asleep while driving and in desperate need of coffee.
Doesn’t that make you feel safer about being on the outbound Eisenhower at 8:00 a.m?
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I hate telemarketers. Honestly. Not only do they bother me when I am trying to work or do more important things (like click around ESPN.com) but they just might be retarded. Oh wait, must be P.C…….fucking retarded. Ok that’s better.
We get a lot of these calls at my office.
Me: “good afternoon, Smith’s.”
Telemarketer: “yes, is Robert in?”
M: “Junior, Senior. or the third?”
T: “Robert Smith.”
M: “Robert Smith, Jr, Sr, or the third?”
T: “ROBERT SMITH please.” (because saying it louder answers my question.)
M: rolling eyes. “YES, I un-der-stand. I am ASKING you if you need Robert Smith JUNIOR, Robert Smith SENIOR or Robert Smith the THIRD! See there are three of them.”
T: “I am just looking for Robert Smith.”
M: “Um, we have no one in this office by that name.”
Click.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
The following is an example of why I love my friends and why my ass might end up in AA in the future.
A friend of mine has a neighbor who is a wine broker. So said friend will get daily drop offs of open bottles of wine from his neighbor.
This friend, whom I now love, has given me all five of the white wine bottles he had and said in the future the white wine is mine.
I pray to god no one comes over and opens the fridge anytime soon because they will see about 30 cans of beer, 10 bottles of beer, 5 OPEN bottles of wine, 2 closed bottles of wine and some liqueur stashed in the freezer.
Hi my name is Joanie…………………..
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Thursday, June 15, 2006
Little Parrot BIG World
Have you ever seen the TLC show, Little People Big World? Its about a family consisting of a little mom, little dad, three “normal” kids and one little kid. (This is me trying to avoid the word midget.)
It’s a very interesting show and not as funny as I had thought it would be.
The title of the show has kind of turned into a new lingo for my friends and I. Mostly when we are out and about and see really really short people (guys), we’ll look at one another and go “little people BIG world.”
So the other day Sarah calls me and tells me she was listening to a morning show and someone called in about their deaf midget parrot with hemorrhoids:
Me: “are you serious?”
Sarah: “Yeah, this women has a midget parrot that is deaf and has hemorrhoids.”
Me: laughing way too much. “wow.”
Sarah: “I know, little parrot BIG world!”
OK, so maybe that wasn’t as funny to you, but at 7:45 a.m. stuck in traffic on the IKE, it’s hysterical.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
In case you were wondering, I can do an Irish Car Bomb in 3 seconds. Most people are amazed; Brett doesn’t understand how I am single.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Some friends and I aw X-Men II the other night and I was reminded of two things:
1) Boys, no matter how old, are immature perverts. Point in case, the two I was with. Apparently, it is still funny to try and throw popcorn down a girl’s shirt. Yes boys, these are boobs and they make my tank top poke out a little. No, it is not a holding place for your popcorn.
2) Children should only be taken to children type movies. Now I love kids, but when it is 9:00 at night and I am paying a lot of money to see an adult movie…..constant talking and having my chair kicked for 1 ½ hrs is NOT what I paid for.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
As I walked up to my apartment Tuesday night at 11:59 p.m. the noise from the neighbors place was pretty loud. When I went o unlock the door their door busted open and some guys goes, “ABOUT DAMN TIME YOU GOT HERE!!!!!!”
Neighbor: “Dude, that’s our neighbor!”
Random drunk: “oh, hey!! Come on in and have a beer.”
Me: “Aw thanks, but I have to work tomorrow.”
RD: “Aww that sucks…we just graduated, so we’re drinking!”
Random Drunk #2: “GO STATE!!! GO GREEN!! GO WHITE!!!”
Me: “SPARTY ON!”
RD#2 “GO STATE!!! I love state!”
RD#1: “WHAT? We went to DePaul!!!
RD#2: “Yeah but they went to state!! GOOOOO STATE!”
RD#! “How do you know that?”
Neighbor: “They yell loudly at the TV during basketball season! Sorry, we’ll try to keep it down.”
Me: “nah, you just graduated. You’re not that loud, the base is…but I can sleep through anything.”
The neighbors are nice, but did get a tad loud throughout the night. Oh well, like I said I can sleep through anything.
Plus, the one drunk was a Spartan fan and had I not had to be at work the next day, I would have been right there with them.
It’s a very interesting show and not as funny as I had thought it would be.
The title of the show has kind of turned into a new lingo for my friends and I. Mostly when we are out and about and see really really short people (guys), we’ll look at one another and go “little people BIG world.”
So the other day Sarah calls me and tells me she was listening to a morning show and someone called in about their deaf midget parrot with hemorrhoids:
Me: “are you serious?”
Sarah: “Yeah, this women has a midget parrot that is deaf and has hemorrhoids.”
Me: laughing way too much. “wow.”
Sarah: “I know, little parrot BIG world!”
OK, so maybe that wasn’t as funny to you, but at 7:45 a.m. stuck in traffic on the IKE, it’s hysterical.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
In case you were wondering, I can do an Irish Car Bomb in 3 seconds. Most people are amazed; Brett doesn’t understand how I am single.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Some friends and I aw X-Men II the other night and I was reminded of two things:
1) Boys, no matter how old, are immature perverts. Point in case, the two I was with. Apparently, it is still funny to try and throw popcorn down a girl’s shirt. Yes boys, these are boobs and they make my tank top poke out a little. No, it is not a holding place for your popcorn.
2) Children should only be taken to children type movies. Now I love kids, but when it is 9:00 at night and I am paying a lot of money to see an adult movie…..constant talking and having my chair kicked for 1 ½ hrs is NOT what I paid for.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
As I walked up to my apartment Tuesday night at 11:59 p.m. the noise from the neighbors place was pretty loud. When I went o unlock the door their door busted open and some guys goes, “ABOUT DAMN TIME YOU GOT HERE!!!!!!”
Neighbor: “Dude, that’s our neighbor!”
Random drunk: “oh, hey!! Come on in and have a beer.”
Me: “Aw thanks, but I have to work tomorrow.”
RD: “Aww that sucks…we just graduated, so we’re drinking!”
Random Drunk #2: “GO STATE!!! GO GREEN!! GO WHITE!!!”
Me: “SPARTY ON!”
RD#2 “GO STATE!!! I love state!”
RD#1: “WHAT? We went to DePaul!!!
RD#2: “Yeah but they went to state!! GOOOOO STATE!”
RD#! “How do you know that?”
Neighbor: “They yell loudly at the TV during basketball season! Sorry, we’ll try to keep it down.”
Me: “nah, you just graduated. You’re not that loud, the base is…but I can sleep through anything.”
The neighbors are nice, but did get a tad loud throughout the night. Oh well, like I said I can sleep through anything.
Plus, the one drunk was a Spartan fan and had I not had to be at work the next day, I would have been right there with them.
Wednesday, June 07, 2006
Tim Curry Gives me Nightmares
I was 9 years old (almost 10) when Steven King’s “It” came out on VHS.
My uncle, the baby sitting extraordinaire, was a little upset that his mouthy niece kept bugging him while he was trying to watch a movie. So instead of standing a firm ground and making me go to bed, he sat me on the couch and let me watch it with him.
Oh………my…….god……..
When you’re a guy in his late twenties “It” is the perfect movie to sit around and watch, but when you’re his 9 year old niece…it might be a little much.
(In case you don’t know, “It” is a movie about an evil clown that kills children. Thanks for haunting my dreams and freaking me out Tim Curry!!!)
So starts my horrible fear of clowns, and of course since I was terrified of them…..they were everywhere.
Every summer we went to the Berrien County Youth Fair in Michigan, and every year there were those damn clowns.
There were clowns at birthday parties, festivals and, of course, circuses.
Ok so I am older now, and it’s not as bad b/c my friends don’t have clowns at their parties anymore. (Stripping midgets, yes! Clowns, not so much.) Plus I have been going a very long time without having to see a clown in real life or pictures.
However, Monday night started about three days of hell in regards to my fear of clowns.
Let’s review:
Monday night the team went to Sluggers for batting practice. After words Pauly, Kate Dale and I went to Goose Island for a couple drinks.
Apparently Dale was in the circus for three years in college and has a clown suit. A CLOWN SUIT!
Well then it came out I was terrified of clowns and it became pick on Joanie night. By the end of the night not only had the creepy clown talk given me the freakies, but I am not convinced that Dale is planning a clown scare.
Moving on to Tuesday, and the day where not only did I receive emails with clown related material from Dale and Paul……but I saw one.
AAHHHHH!! Just thinking about it is making me feel all uneasy.
So I had to run next door to the Irish Restaurant / Pub to get my boss (he was having drinks with clients). I was in a hurry as he needed to get back to take a very important call.
I will admit, I probably shouldn’t have come through the door in the rush that I did…but none the less I did. As I rushed through (not looking) I bumped into someone. When I looked up to apologize I screamed b/c I had run into a CLOWN!!
Me: “AAAHHH”
Evil Clown from Hell: “Are you ok.”
Me: “Please don’t touch me.” (I look down to avoid having to stare at its freaky face.)
Clown Satan: “I’m sorry.”
Me: “nothing personal. I’m terrified of clowns and you’re kind of freaking me out.”
Clown laughing its creepy children killing clown laugh. “Yeah I get that, but clowns are SUPER FUN.”
Me: “I’m leaving now.”
Ok two things: 1) WHO has their child’s birthday party at an IRISH PUB! (ok…maaaaaaaaaaybeI will when I have kids.); and 2) WHY do parents think clowns are a good idea.
Oh yeah, clowns are super fun. You know who else thought clowns were great. JOHN WAYNE GACY!!! Yeah, the Guy who dressed up as a clown, kidnapped, raped and killed little boys! Yeah, that’s super fun.
When you Google John Wayne Gacy, you get an article called “John Wayne Gacy: The Clown that Killed.” When you GIS Gacy, you get pictures of him dressed up like a clown. I am currently using my diet crack as a chaser for the zanex.
All this clown fun was added to when I was checking me email today. See if you have gmail, you can add a picture to your profile that will pop up when you put your cursor over a name.
Apparently, Pauly thought it would be fun to add one of the SCARIEST CLOWN PICTURES EVER to his profile.
It scared the living hell out of me today. Thanks Pauly, please go back to the damn cat pictures.
I am now beyond freaked out and am currently fighting the urge to go sit in a corner, rock back and forth mumbling “Jesus Save.”
Yeah, they freak me out that much.
My uncle, the baby sitting extraordinaire, was a little upset that his mouthy niece kept bugging him while he was trying to watch a movie. So instead of standing a firm ground and making me go to bed, he sat me on the couch and let me watch it with him.
Oh………my…….god……..
When you’re a guy in his late twenties “It” is the perfect movie to sit around and watch, but when you’re his 9 year old niece…it might be a little much.
(In case you don’t know, “It” is a movie about an evil clown that kills children. Thanks for haunting my dreams and freaking me out Tim Curry!!!)
So starts my horrible fear of clowns, and of course since I was terrified of them…..they were everywhere.
Every summer we went to the Berrien County Youth Fair in Michigan, and every year there were those damn clowns.
There were clowns at birthday parties, festivals and, of course, circuses.
Ok so I am older now, and it’s not as bad b/c my friends don’t have clowns at their parties anymore. (Stripping midgets, yes! Clowns, not so much.) Plus I have been going a very long time without having to see a clown in real life or pictures.
However, Monday night started about three days of hell in regards to my fear of clowns.
Let’s review:
Monday night the team went to Sluggers for batting practice. After words Pauly, Kate Dale and I went to Goose Island for a couple drinks.
Apparently Dale was in the circus for three years in college and has a clown suit. A CLOWN SUIT!
Well then it came out I was terrified of clowns and it became pick on Joanie night. By the end of the night not only had the creepy clown talk given me the freakies, but I am not convinced that Dale is planning a clown scare.
Moving on to Tuesday, and the day where not only did I receive emails with clown related material from Dale and Paul……but I saw one.
AAHHHHH!! Just thinking about it is making me feel all uneasy.
So I had to run next door to the Irish Restaurant / Pub to get my boss (he was having drinks with clients). I was in a hurry as he needed to get back to take a very important call.
I will admit, I probably shouldn’t have come through the door in the rush that I did…but none the less I did. As I rushed through (not looking) I bumped into someone. When I looked up to apologize I screamed b/c I had run into a CLOWN!!
Me: “AAAHHH”
Evil Clown from Hell: “Are you ok.”
Me: “Please don’t touch me.” (I look down to avoid having to stare at its freaky face.)
Clown Satan: “I’m sorry.”
Me: “nothing personal. I’m terrified of clowns and you’re kind of freaking me out.”
Clown laughing its creepy children killing clown laugh. “Yeah I get that, but clowns are SUPER FUN.”
Me: “I’m leaving now.”
Ok two things: 1) WHO has their child’s birthday party at an IRISH PUB! (ok…maaaaaaaaaaybeI will when I have kids.); and 2) WHY do parents think clowns are a good idea.
Oh yeah, clowns are super fun. You know who else thought clowns were great. JOHN WAYNE GACY!!! Yeah, the Guy who dressed up as a clown, kidnapped, raped and killed little boys! Yeah, that’s super fun.
When you Google John Wayne Gacy, you get an article called “John Wayne Gacy: The Clown that Killed.” When you GIS Gacy, you get pictures of him dressed up like a clown. I am currently using my diet crack as a chaser for the zanex.
All this clown fun was added to when I was checking me email today. See if you have gmail, you can add a picture to your profile that will pop up when you put your cursor over a name.
Apparently, Pauly thought it would be fun to add one of the SCARIEST CLOWN PICTURES EVER to his profile.
It scared the living hell out of me today. Thanks Pauly, please go back to the damn cat pictures.
I am now beyond freaked out and am currently fighting the urge to go sit in a corner, rock back and forth mumbling “Jesus Save.”
Yeah, they freak me out that much.
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