I’ve been busy, stressed and VERY VERY SICK for a long time now. That (AMANDA) is the reason I have not posted. However, someone (AMANDA) was complaining about it last night. I guess someone (AMANDA) needs a life outside of my witty remarks. ;)
Only kidding!
Long overdue……it’s time for another episode of GRAIG’S LIST LOSERS!!!!! (crowd cheers):
(Remember, I don’t fix grammar, spelling or spacing mistakes.)
smoke is fun to watch. - 26
so I got all high on the couch and started thinking about who the perfect girl would be for me. Here's what I've come up with so far: - Hot - Great rack - Fun to hang out with If you fit that description, please let me know.
Right, because if I was a fun hot chick with a great rack my ideal guy would be some 26 year old stoner. What?? Is he hoping she’s all tapped out of the AA guys? Let me guess, this guy’s idea of a good date is getting high, putting on Fantasia and listening to some Fall Out Boy. Fuuuuun. Bad stoner!!! No munchies!!
Mature white man looking for female - 50
Hello there,I'm looking for a female 30-50 y/o, petite/slender, N/S, D/D free.I hope to meet someone nice.....no professionals please.I am openminded,passionate and love to kiss.Drop me a line and lets meet for coffee.
At first this is kind of a boring post, then you get to the “no professionals please.” What does that mean? Are we talking no professionals like he doesn’t want a woman with a career and who is self reliant? Or are we talking no professionals, like he doesn’t want a hooker? I am a little confused. Is he really worried old dirty hookers are scamming Craig’s list trying to catch themselves a old man? No hunny, those ladies come right out and tell you…..$100 a blow.
Justin Timberlake show
Looking for a fun, cute, girl to go see JT with me next week. Have great seats and my friend is going out of town now. Please include a pic.
In case you were wondering, this is that 28 year old guy still living in his parents basement that watches the 8th grade Catholic school girls get off the bus after school. He bought himself some tickets and will only give them to you if you’re under 18 and promise not to call the cops.
stuck on house arrest till april 4.. need company – 30
nice guy!!always wrong place wrong time...messenger anyone?yahoo?msn? Have pics!
Wow, he probably comes with his own handcuffs!!! Plus think of all the fun you could have playing “Is that your ankle braclet monitoring device or are you just happy to see me?!”
Apparently today is stoner post day, because ¾ of the posts talk about getting high. Fun times!
(HAPPY AMANDA!!!!) ;)
Thursday, March 08, 2007
Thursday, February 22, 2007
Men Like Women Who Can Cook
So I realize it’s been almost a month since I posted. This is mostly due to the fact school started and it’s been kicking my ass.
However, I am sitting on hold with government agencies and so I have some time on my hands.
On Mondays Sarah and I go to a friends house to watch 24. The past two times we’ve made dinner. The first time was for Sarah’s birthday and it was a surprise. I made lasagna, Nonie’s recipe.
The second time was because these fools now expect meals when we come over. They're not stupid, they know a good thing when they taste it.
However, I am sitting on hold with government agencies and so I have some time on my hands.
On Mondays Sarah and I go to a friends house to watch 24. The past two times we’ve made dinner. The first time was for Sarah’s birthday and it was a surprise. I made lasagna, Nonie’s recipe.
The second time was because these fools now expect meals when we come over. They're not stupid, they know a good thing when they taste it.
Ok, only kidding…I actually like cooking and love cooking for other people, especially hungry people who appreciate it. Although, for all I know they’re just lying because they’re nice people. (Obviously these are new friends, as the friends we all know and love would just tell me the food sucked.)
Anyway, all this cooking has required me to call up Nonie more often for recipe ideas and tips on things. She finds this all funny I guess because when I ask her she laughs. So I recently called her again for more tips and she goes:
“Joanie, how do your friends like your cooking?”
“Oh, I think they like it. The lasagna went over really well. I’m going to have to make this again.”
“Oh honey, I am so happy. You know, men like a woman who can cook”
“Um, great.”
“So, these friends” (she says friends all suspicious, like I am actually making this stuff for my dolls and pretending they’re real people b/c I am crazy) “how often do you do this for them”
“Mondays.”
“Are there gentlemen there?”
“Hmm, gentlemen, no. No one that fancy. There are some guys there though.”
“Ohh, that’s good. You’re going to make some man very happy once day.”
Ok, so I am trying not to laugh. All of this because I asked her for her meatball recipe? I wonder what would have ensued if I would have gone for the top secret cannelloni recipe?
“Well thanks Nonie, I appreciate the complement.”
“I just want to see you happy and married before I die.”
Man, there they go. I love how grandparents and parents threaten loneliness after they’re gone. Like by them threatening to die on us makes us run out and marry the first non mutant looking person we see. Bonus points if he’s dressed sharply, b/c that makes him an attorney, doctor or chauffer.
I bet this is how Craig’s List dating was started. Everyone on there looking for dates/hook up has a parent or grandparent at home threatening to die.
In case anyone is reading this and is interested in a very attractive and funny, hot tempered, Irish Italian Catholic chick who can cook and has only minor issues……..Nonie is taking applications.
Oh bonus: I also know a LOT of random crap about stupid useless things. You’ll be amazed.
Anyway, all this cooking has required me to call up Nonie more often for recipe ideas and tips on things. She finds this all funny I guess because when I ask her she laughs. So I recently called her again for more tips and she goes:
“Joanie, how do your friends like your cooking?”
“Oh, I think they like it. The lasagna went over really well. I’m going to have to make this again.”
“Oh honey, I am so happy. You know, men like a woman who can cook”
“Um, great.”
“So, these friends” (she says friends all suspicious, like I am actually making this stuff for my dolls and pretending they’re real people b/c I am crazy) “how often do you do this for them”
“Mondays.”
“Are there gentlemen there?”
“Hmm, gentlemen, no. No one that fancy. There are some guys there though.”
“Ohh, that’s good. You’re going to make some man very happy once day.”
Ok, so I am trying not to laugh. All of this because I asked her for her meatball recipe? I wonder what would have ensued if I would have gone for the top secret cannelloni recipe?
“Well thanks Nonie, I appreciate the complement.”
“I just want to see you happy and married before I die.”
Man, there they go. I love how grandparents and parents threaten loneliness after they’re gone. Like by them threatening to die on us makes us run out and marry the first non mutant looking person we see. Bonus points if he’s dressed sharply, b/c that makes him an attorney, doctor or chauffer.
I bet this is how Craig’s List dating was started. Everyone on there looking for dates/hook up has a parent or grandparent at home threatening to die.
In case anyone is reading this and is interested in a very attractive and funny, hot tempered, Irish Italian Catholic chick who can cook and has only minor issues……..Nonie is taking applications.
Oh bonus: I also know a LOT of random crap about stupid useless things. You’ll be amazed.
Thursday, January 25, 2007
DA BEARS
Yeah, I haven't posted in a while and I might not for a little bit long....sorry.
However, I found this on my sister's friend's facebook page (i know i am coooooooooooool) and I wanted to share it.
BEAR DOWN!!!!!
A first grade teacher explains to her class that she is an Indianapolis Colts fan. She asks her students to raise their hands if they are Colts fans too. Not really knowing what a Colts fan was, but wanting to be liked by their teacher, their hands fly into the air.
There is, however, one exception. Susie has not gone along with the crowd. The teacher asks her why she has decided to be different. "Because I'm not a Colts fan" she reports. "Then," asks the teacher, "what are you?" "I'm a Chicago Bears fan!" boasts the little girl. The teacher asks Susie why she is a Bears fan. "Well, my Dad and Mom are Bears fans, so I'm a Bears fan too" she responds. "That's no reason," the teacher says. "What if your mom was a moron and your dad was an idiot. What would you be then?"
Susie smiles and says, "A Colts fan."
However, I found this on my sister's friend's facebook page (i know i am coooooooooooool) and I wanted to share it.
BEAR DOWN!!!!!
A first grade teacher explains to her class that she is an Indianapolis Colts fan. She asks her students to raise their hands if they are Colts fans too. Not really knowing what a Colts fan was, but wanting to be liked by their teacher, their hands fly into the air.
There is, however, one exception. Susie has not gone along with the crowd. The teacher asks her why she has decided to be different. "Because I'm not a Colts fan" she reports. "Then," asks the teacher, "what are you?" "I'm a Chicago Bears fan!" boasts the little girl. The teacher asks Susie why she is a Bears fan. "Well, my Dad and Mom are Bears fans, so I'm a Bears fan too" she responds. "That's no reason," the teacher says. "What if your mom was a moron and your dad was an idiot. What would you be then?"
Susie smiles and says, "A Colts fan."
Wednesday, January 10, 2007
Cuff Me...I'm a Bad Girl.....
I hate the weekdays, mostly b/c I hate my job. However, this Wednesday morning started off nicely.
I went to White Hen like I do most mornings for my daily dose of Irish Crème flavored coffee. I probably go in about 4-6 times a week to the point where the White Hen guy calls me Irish.
So the morning started off normal, with White Hen guy and me talking in Spanglish:
White Hen Guy: “Buenos días, Irish. I am making up a new pot for you.”
Me: “Buenos días and gracias. Como’ estas?”
White Hen Guy: “Estupendo!!!” Then he started rambling in Spanish.
Me: “o.k… I got you were super. After that I am lost.”
White Hen Guy laughs: “Ahh. Sorry. Are you excited for the big game?”
We start talking Bears football. I won’t add in all we talked about because you all have heard my rant before. While we were talking someone came in and walked towards us.
“Buenos días Detective! Irish and I were talking about the Bears!”
I looked up to see the hottest thing I have seen since Kelly had that hot doctor in the hospital. He was wearing a suit (very Law & Order) with his badge on his belt and when he moved his jacket to get his wallet you could see his gun in his shoulder harness. H-O-T-T HOT!!! Physically he was tall, dark hair hair, dark eyes, amazing smile……………………
Oh sorry…..got taken back there this morning. Anyway….
HOT cop: “Are we now?” Smiles at me, and I know I turned red. “So what have we decided?”
White Hen Guy: “Irish here thinks Grossman should be taken out back and shot, like you would do to a lame horse. ‘Put him out of our misery’ I believe was the direct quote.”
Hot cop starts laughing, which was good, because the alternative was him taking me in for murder threats.
Hot Cop: “Well, I would have to agree with her on that one.”
White Hen Guy excuses himself and I am left there all turned on and tongue tied by the hot cop. This was my chance to put an end to my drought. So I thought of the coolest thing to say….
“Could you pass me two Splendas please?” (with a little smile)
I know. I’m amazing. He must have been floored because he responded in the most romantic way.
“Sure” and handed them over.
I know I know, but what the hell was I supposed to do?? Jump up on the counter and tell him to take me anyway he wants?? HELLO!!! This isn’t a porno and I was raised with waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaay to much Irish Catholic guilt to ever let that happened.
Sad isn’t it?
Hot Cop and I did talk some Bears football before he got a call and had to run. Amazingly enough he didn’t pay for his coffee (hmm, in Chicago?? No!) However, White Hen Guy ended up giving me a free coffee too. So it was a win/win situation.
Well, maybe not. I guess a bigger win would have been if I would have ended up in the back of his unmarked car while he performed a thorough a full body search.
What?? Was that wrong? Too far?? Ok fine. I hate you anyway.
I went to White Hen like I do most mornings for my daily dose of Irish Crème flavored coffee. I probably go in about 4-6 times a week to the point where the White Hen guy calls me Irish.
So the morning started off normal, with White Hen guy and me talking in Spanglish:
White Hen Guy: “Buenos días, Irish. I am making up a new pot for you.”
Me: “Buenos días and gracias. Como’ estas?”
White Hen Guy: “Estupendo!!!” Then he started rambling in Spanish.
Me: “o.k… I got you were super. After that I am lost.”
White Hen Guy laughs: “Ahh. Sorry. Are you excited for the big game?”
We start talking Bears football. I won’t add in all we talked about because you all have heard my rant before. While we were talking someone came in and walked towards us.
“Buenos días Detective! Irish and I were talking about the Bears!”
I looked up to see the hottest thing I have seen since Kelly had that hot doctor in the hospital. He was wearing a suit (very Law & Order) with his badge on his belt and when he moved his jacket to get his wallet you could see his gun in his shoulder harness. H-O-T-T HOT!!! Physically he was tall, dark hair hair, dark eyes, amazing smile……………………
Oh sorry…..got taken back there this morning. Anyway….
HOT cop: “Are we now?” Smiles at me, and I know I turned red. “So what have we decided?”
White Hen Guy: “Irish here thinks Grossman should be taken out back and shot, like you would do to a lame horse. ‘Put him out of our misery’ I believe was the direct quote.”
Hot cop starts laughing, which was good, because the alternative was him taking me in for murder threats.
Hot Cop: “Well, I would have to agree with her on that one.”
White Hen Guy excuses himself and I am left there all turned on and tongue tied by the hot cop. This was my chance to put an end to my drought. So I thought of the coolest thing to say….
“Could you pass me two Splendas please?” (with a little smile)
I know. I’m amazing. He must have been floored because he responded in the most romantic way.
“Sure” and handed them over.
I know I know, but what the hell was I supposed to do?? Jump up on the counter and tell him to take me anyway he wants?? HELLO!!! This isn’t a porno and I was raised with waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaay to much Irish Catholic guilt to ever let that happened.
Sad isn’t it?
Hot Cop and I did talk some Bears football before he got a call and had to run. Amazingly enough he didn’t pay for his coffee (hmm, in Chicago?? No!) However, White Hen Guy ended up giving me a free coffee too. So it was a win/win situation.
Well, maybe not. I guess a bigger win would have been if I would have ended up in the back of his unmarked car while he performed a thorough a full body search.
What?? Was that wrong? Too far?? Ok fine. I hate you anyway.
Wednesday, January 03, 2007
2007 Craig's List Losers
Happy New Year Kiddies!!!!! I would dazzle you with the adventures of my Quarter Century Birthday Bash, but alas I really don’t remember it.
Honestly!!! I think by the end of the night I was 4 Blue Moons, 5 shots and 4 car bombs into it and my lovely friends footed the bill. Yeah, I am so lucky I am not dead.
So in lieu of sharing the memories I don’t have, here is your first installment of 2007 Craig’s List Losers…….
Upscale SWM looking be your cuckold - 33
I am a nice professionally educated gentleman, an attractive single white male (33yo, 6'1", 180lbs) with a life long fantasy of dating a girl who will cheat on me. Tease me, make me take you out only to have you hit on other guys while I'm there. Compare me to others, bring a guy back to my place and make me sleep in the guest room while you have your way with him. Cuckold me. Serious and nice. I'm not looking to hook up, looking to build a friendship where you hopefully enjoy teasing and taunting me as much as I enjoy the jealousy of seeing you with another man, or men, or whatever YOU want. Please be for real. I will do the same in return
Right. The picture on his page is of him leaning over a railing on a cruise ship. Kind of creepy if you ask me, but alas I guess the Brad Pitts of the word are not getting on line hoping to meet some slut that will sexually castrate him.
Start the New Year, New
I currently live in Houston, Texas but I'm originally grew up on the Southside of Chicago, back in the day. I've been in TX for about 28 years or so. I have a great job, a wife, house, dog, fence, and no kids. I'm in great shape for 48 yrs young. I want to run away from my marriage leave everything behind and start new in Chicago. I need a nice down to earth female friend willing to take a chance on me moving in with them for awhile until I get back on my feet which would be in about two to three weeks after hitting Chicago. Anyone truly wanting to start their new year on something crazy, hit me back you won’t be sorry trust me.
Please let me reword this: “HI! I’m trying to find a way to run away from my responsibility. I have some nagging bitch in Texas that I don’t have the balls to divorce; probably because she cut them off and ate them for dinner about 20 years ago.
My plan is to move to Chicago and sleep on your couch until one day I go for some smokes and you change the locks. Until then I will eat your food, walking around in my stained tighty whiteys and blow my nose on my old Van Halen t-shirts.
So please respond with a picture, because even though I am a balding beer bellied skunk I will only live with bleached out dimwitted hotties.
IM JUST A BOY THAT WANTS A GIRL 2 LOVE HIM - 27
I AM JUST A BOY THAT WANTS A GIRL 2 LOVE HIM. IS THAT SO MUCH TO ASK. I GUESS BEING A NICE AND GOOD GUY THESE DAYS DOES NOT MATTER ANYMORE JUST LOOKS.
First off, we did not need all the caps in order for you to get your point across. This isn’t AIM and you’re not telling Tiffany that Bobby just kissed Lisa by the tennis courts. Got it?
Second, why are you ripping off Knotting Hill? I mean really! (Don't forget. I'm just a girl standing in front of a boy...asking him to love her.") Kind of sad little man.
Or is this a game? Like you throw one out there, then it’s my turn and if we both guess right we get a date?? Is it?? Ok my turn: “Don’t say we aren't right for each other, the way I see it is. We aren't right for anyone else”
What? You don’t know it? Awww, well I guess you loose.
Canada love - 29
Hi all, I’m mike and i work for an airline that brings me here bi weekly. Just looking for a new friend to see the city with. not sure if normal is what you want but that’s what I am. hope to hear form you
Ok, we all know I am partial to the Canadians, and the pic Mike attached is really cute (if that’s him). However, Mike is probably a flight attendant and as much as I like being the driving board for closeted homosexuals…..I think I’ll take a pass.
~~Sorry there’s not more, but it appears that 2007 is a slow one for old Craig’s list. Hopefully some more psychos log on in the future.
I’m still toying with the idea of making an add to see if I get any hits. Hmmm….
Honestly!!! I think by the end of the night I was 4 Blue Moons, 5 shots and 4 car bombs into it and my lovely friends footed the bill. Yeah, I am so lucky I am not dead.
So in lieu of sharing the memories I don’t have, here is your first installment of 2007 Craig’s List Losers…….
Upscale SWM looking be your cuckold - 33
I am a nice professionally educated gentleman, an attractive single white male (33yo, 6'1", 180lbs) with a life long fantasy of dating a girl who will cheat on me. Tease me, make me take you out only to have you hit on other guys while I'm there. Compare me to others, bring a guy back to my place and make me sleep in the guest room while you have your way with him. Cuckold me. Serious and nice. I'm not looking to hook up, looking to build a friendship where you hopefully enjoy teasing and taunting me as much as I enjoy the jealousy of seeing you with another man, or men, or whatever YOU want. Please be for real. I will do the same in return
Right. The picture on his page is of him leaning over a railing on a cruise ship. Kind of creepy if you ask me, but alas I guess the Brad Pitts of the word are not getting on line hoping to meet some slut that will sexually castrate him.
Start the New Year, New
I currently live in Houston, Texas but I'm originally grew up on the Southside of Chicago, back in the day. I've been in TX for about 28 years or so. I have a great job, a wife, house, dog, fence, and no kids. I'm in great shape for 48 yrs young. I want to run away from my marriage leave everything behind and start new in Chicago. I need a nice down to earth female friend willing to take a chance on me moving in with them for awhile until I get back on my feet which would be in about two to three weeks after hitting Chicago. Anyone truly wanting to start their new year on something crazy, hit me back you won’t be sorry trust me.
Please let me reword this: “HI! I’m trying to find a way to run away from my responsibility. I have some nagging bitch in Texas that I don’t have the balls to divorce; probably because she cut them off and ate them for dinner about 20 years ago.
My plan is to move to Chicago and sleep on your couch until one day I go for some smokes and you change the locks. Until then I will eat your food, walking around in my stained tighty whiteys and blow my nose on my old Van Halen t-shirts.
So please respond with a picture, because even though I am a balding beer bellied skunk I will only live with bleached out dimwitted hotties.
IM JUST A BOY THAT WANTS A GIRL 2 LOVE HIM - 27
I AM JUST A BOY THAT WANTS A GIRL 2 LOVE HIM. IS THAT SO MUCH TO ASK. I GUESS BEING A NICE AND GOOD GUY THESE DAYS DOES NOT MATTER ANYMORE JUST LOOKS.
First off, we did not need all the caps in order for you to get your point across. This isn’t AIM and you’re not telling Tiffany that Bobby just kissed Lisa by the tennis courts. Got it?
Second, why are you ripping off Knotting Hill? I mean really! (Don't forget. I'm just a girl standing in front of a boy...asking him to love her.") Kind of sad little man.
Or is this a game? Like you throw one out there, then it’s my turn and if we both guess right we get a date?? Is it?? Ok my turn: “Don’t say we aren't right for each other, the way I see it is. We aren't right for anyone else”
What? You don’t know it? Awww, well I guess you loose.
Canada love - 29
Hi all, I’m mike and i work for an airline that brings me here bi weekly. Just looking for a new friend to see the city with. not sure if normal is what you want but that’s what I am. hope to hear form you
Ok, we all know I am partial to the Canadians, and the pic Mike attached is really cute (if that’s him). However, Mike is probably a flight attendant and as much as I like being the driving board for closeted homosexuals…..I think I’ll take a pass.
~~Sorry there’s not more, but it appears that 2007 is a slow one for old Craig’s list. Hopefully some more psychos log on in the future.
I’m still toying with the idea of making an add to see if I get any hits. Hmmm….
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