One Man's Skim Milk Is Another's Jug O' Wine

My mom just called and informed me that my aunt who is hosting Easter would like me to bring an appetizer to Easter Dinner. I guess being out of college and having a job requires me to now bring crap to family get together.

I find it odd that she would want me to bring an appetizer. We always have so many appetizers at these holidays. The only thing we have more of is pies. (My mom is obsessed with Baker’s Square Pies…she brings them to EVERYTHING!)

What my aunt should really be asking me to bring is alcohol, preferably hard liquor, and some sort of mood altering drug. Honestly, we can not go more then one hour without someone getting into it with someone else. Yes, my family holidays are THAT fun.

If I had my way the mood altering drugs would be handed out at the door. I will even volunteer to take people’s coats and hand them the pills.

Unfortunately, this is not something my family has agreed to yet and so I will have to self medicate. My Uncle Tom always brings his own gallon of skim milk to holidays (apparently afraid of rapid bone loss,) keeps it by his feet and drinks it throughout the event. I am going to do the same thing, but with wine.

Sometime during the experience my uncle will make fun of my sister for being a vegetarian. As soon as the comment is out of his mouth he will laugh like it’s the funniest damn thing in the world. She’s been a vegetarian for six years, the jokes are getting old.

Knowing my sister is a vegetarian my aunt will ensure that there is meat in almost everything there could be meet in; ham in the scalloped potatoes, bacon in the salad, appetizers made from meat. Allie’s Easter dinner would consist of rolls, carrots and celery if my mom did not anticipate this and bring vegetarian lasagna. Allie MUST get to the meal line first or my grandfather and cousin will eat the whole vegetarian thing before she gets there.

I get to share in this joy as mushrooms are put in everything possible due to the fact I hate them. I don’t know if my family does this on purpose or if they really did smoke that much crack in their developmental years.

By the time dinner is over we will realize that regardless of the fact my aunt nagged for two weeks for a head count of everyone coming, she will still have maid enough ham and turkey to feed a small country.

My one cousin will have already stormed up to his room in an angst teenage rage. (Poor kid has an HDTV, xbox, play station, etc in his room. His clothes are more expensive then what I pay in rent. It must be soooooooooooo hard for him.) Normally he doesn’t even show up to holidays anymore, but this is will be held at his house. My aunt says he’s “sick.” Deej and I have decided that he either has the world’s worst immune system or by sick she means high.

While we are preparing desert (the 1000000 pies all brought by my mother) my aunts will grill me on my personal life. Basically they want to know if I am dating anyone and how much money he makes. I haven’t decided yet if I am going to tell them the truth or lie. I guess it all depends on how much of the wine I have drank by that time.

While this is all going on my baby cousin (3 years old) will be trying to do little kid stuff like walk up and down the step separating the living room and kitchen, play with the cats, eat things off the floor. However, he will only get to do those things once before his parents see and freak out. They treat him like he’s the boy in the bubble. However, he has an immune system.

And he doesn’t get the fun bubble. I should get him a bubble for Easter.
"LOOK RILEY!!!! The Easter Bunny brought you your own personal hell."

By the end of the night I’ll be buzzed, my cousin high, my uncles fighting and my grandfather will be given a plate full of leftovers that could feed him for a week.

He’ll eat them all the minute my mom gets him home; including the plate full of sugary deserts. Apparently they are good for his DIABETES.

For most families Easter is a time for celebrating the resurrection of Jesus Christ, for me is a warning to being two bottles of wine to Christmas.