I'm not sure what possessed me to start writing this blog again, but here I am. Before jumping in and writing, I made sure to go back and read what 24/25 year old Joanie wrote. I came up with a few conclusions:
1) Wow...we drank way to much
2) I had a LOT of time on my hands
3) I never gave Roommate's actual name
4) I really thought I was funny.....and I am
My life has not ended up like I thought it would. If you asked 24 year old Joanie what her life would be like at 30, she would have told you:
"Well, I will probably be married and living in Chicago. Thirty is pretty old, so I will more than likely have a kid but I will definitely have another Dane. Roommate, Sarah, Kennice, Kate, Nicole, Al and the rest of my close friends will probably live within a five minute walk. Of course, nothing else will change. We will still spend Saturdays at the Gin Mill watching Spartan Football and Sundays at BDubs watching the bears. We'll be old, but we'll be cool old people."
Twenty-four year old Joanie is an idiot. Her brain is severely damaged from all the alcohol abuse she and roommate took part in. Time to cue Miss "3 second car bomb" how her life is different.....but awesome!
The biggest surprise, even to me, is that I don't live in Chicago. I am a Chicago girl through and through and never thought I would leave my city. The older I got, the more open I was to living in other big cities, so it shouldn't be to much of a surprise I moved. Except I moved to ARIZONA! Twenty-four year old Joanie can not believe this. We HATE the heat and live for the fall. Arizona is about 10000 degrees and doesn't have jean/slip flop/hoodie weather. However, I have adjusted to the heat and I really like it here. (I do really really miss the fall!)
I am not married an do not have a child. BUT...I do have a Dane! Brody is awesome, a lot of work and is giving me gray hair, but awesome. I adopted him when he was 10 months old from the Great Dane Rescue, Inc. They are an awesome rescue and have some really great dogs that need homes. I encourage everyone to check them out and tell your friends about them. Not only did they give me Brody, but I even scammed Lyndsay (the AZ rep) into becoming my friend! I'm pretty sure she likes me, but she may be pretending because she knows she can guilt me into temporary fostering a Dane for the weekend. Nothing says crazy like two male Danes in an apartment.
The Gin Mill closed a loooong time ago, but I still spend every Saturday in the fall watching my Spartans. I just watch it now from a more laid back bar....or someone's house. Same goes with Da Bears. I don't think I've set foot in a Bdubs in over three years! Now on to the friends:
Allie: She's doing amazing! She has her MSW, has a really touch job she is amazing at, still singing, and Sophie is still alive!
Roommate: A big to-do at her ad firm, jet sets around the world, is still an asshole!
Sarah: Married, has the cutest little girl and her master's degree!
Kate: MARRIED! (The caps due to she was "I'm never getting married"), has been to Hawaii more times than Dog the Bounty Hunter!
Nicole: Married, making big adult life changes, we still need to write that romance/sci-fi/spy/wine infused novel that will make us rich!
Kennice: NOT living on our couch anymore, awesome job, keeps me entertained with stories, is my personal relationship guru and San Diego trip buddy!
They are all still in Chicago, for now. I don't mean that to sound shady, but we never know where life will take us. I know mine is taking me in some interesting directions. I am excited to see what the future holds.
Yep, this was a long post and not really funny. Sorry about that. In the end the answer may be, "well she isn't much more mature, but she sure the hell is boring." We will see where this goes. For whatever reason I got it in my head to start blogging again. Kennice may be the only one who reads this, and that's ok. At the very least I hope everyone visits the GDRI page and checks out the awesome Danes needing new homes! I will try for funny next time.
~jo
Tuesday, July 24, 2012
Monday, May 17, 2010
Return of the Craig's list losers
I haven't done this in a while, so its probably not as funny as before. Sorry Amanda.
Ahhh Craig's list. You never cease to amazing me. Whether it is a cat tree for sale in Crystal Lake or Greenpeace looking for underpaid summer interns....you are always there.
Ahhh Craig's list. You never cease to amazing me. Whether it is a cat tree for sale in Crystal Lake or Greenpeace looking for underpaid summer interns....you are always there.
Of course those are not our favorite postings. No, our favorites come from the "personal" ads. Or as I like to call them, the "Restraining order is in your future" ads. So here it goes:
Busy Executive a/k/a I live with my parents and play World of Warcraft
I am a busy executive looking for a companion to accompany me for events, shows and fine dining. This is not a solicitation for sex or nudity. I will compensate you for each event, 400 weekly income plus clothes. Please send a photo and a little information about yourself. The ideal person would be Asian or Caucasian intelligent and interesting. You will always be safe and respected. Anything that you send to me will be remain in the strictest of confidence. This could be a great summer job for a college student. Intellectuals are encouraged to apply.
First off, we know you are NOT an executive.....those men get their arm candy the old fashion way: by calling high priced "escort" services for Russian women. Chances are this guy is over 40 and has never had a girlfriend. His parents think he may be gay or "slow" and a embarrassed that he's never moved out of the basement. Cousin Martha's wedding is coming up this summer followed by the family reunion and this winner and Sparky here can't go alone and sit at the kids' table anymore. College students are ideally because this will count as community service and you can get credit for your humanities class.
Only Girls with Daddy Issues Need Apply
Seeking that SWF, SAF 20 something girl that could use a Daddy who could make things better. If you could use a very appreciative older man to meet whenver you need, well then have your Daddy. So, why don't you meet Daddy tonight
Gross. It is NOT ok to refer to yourself as Daddy, unless you live in Arkansas. This is just weird and illegal in most states. And please tell me, what are you going to make better? My low self esteem? My confusion of love with random sex? My desire to replace a relationship I never had with my sperm donor with drunk sex with a man who smells like salami and gets AARP benefits???
Snuggle Pants....
There's nothing better than just cuddling with a member of the opposite sex! If you feel the same way maybe we should talk.
Hmmm, I can think of a few things. How about finding someone you have a connection with? A guy who asks you out to a great date a pays? Having gone on a few dates before cuddling or anything more goes on? Not responding to an add online in the middle of a day from a sweaty fat guy with a hairlip.
And I want A Unicorn
I want to fall in Love with a SLUT! Yes, that's right. I want you to be an intelligent, educated, normal professional woman who happens to love love LOVE to f***. You're into other women, groups, swapping, and watching your bf have sex with another girl. You're also into handholding, being silly, waking up together and having coffee while cuddling, restaurants and weekend getaways. Together, we have this crazy love our friends are super jealous about, and behind the scenes we have intensely kinky and dirty sex lives. Have you been looking for this too?
Is this "Daddy" from earlier? Or is everyone looking for someone with daddy issues? You want all this? Fine, let me tell you what I expect to find on an website known for hooking you up prostitutes that will steal your wallet.
Only Girls with Daddy Issues Need Apply
Seeking that SWF, SAF 20 something girl that could use a Daddy who could make things better. If you could use a very appreciative older man to meet whenver you need, well then have your Daddy. So, why don't you meet Daddy tonight
Gross. It is NOT ok to refer to yourself as Daddy, unless you live in Arkansas. This is just weird and illegal in most states. And please tell me, what are you going to make better? My low self esteem? My confusion of love with random sex? My desire to replace a relationship I never had with my sperm donor with drunk sex with a man who smells like salami and gets AARP benefits???
Snuggle Pants....
There's nothing better than just cuddling with a member of the opposite sex! If you feel the same way maybe we should talk.
Hmmm, I can think of a few things. How about finding someone you have a connection with? A guy who asks you out to a great date a pays? Having gone on a few dates before cuddling or anything more goes on? Not responding to an add online in the middle of a day from a sweaty fat guy with a hairlip.
And I want A Unicorn
I want to fall in Love with a SLUT! Yes, that's right. I want you to be an intelligent, educated, normal professional woman who happens to love love LOVE to f***. You're into other women, groups, swapping, and watching your bf have sex with another girl. You're also into handholding, being silly, waking up together and having coffee while cuddling, restaurants and weekend getaways. Together, we have this crazy love our friends are super jealous about, and behind the scenes we have intensely kinky and dirty sex lives. Have you been looking for this too?
Is this "Daddy" from earlier? Or is everyone looking for someone with daddy issues? You want all this? Fine, let me tell you what I expect to find on an website known for hooking you up prostitutes that will steal your wallet.
I want to fall in love with someone that doesn't exist. I want you to be 6'4'' or taller and better looking than George Clooney. You have a 10 figure salary but don't work more than 40 hours a week and volunteers/donate money to good causes. You love me so much you bought NBC and forced them to NEVER cancel Law & Order. You have the hockey skills of Wayne Gretzky, the romance of Nora Roberts and the stamina of an 18yr old on Viagra. You're a giver and never want to receive because you know that bores me and I'm a selfish lover. Together we are a power couple that even Oprah and Gail are jealous of.
Really people?? I don't know what scares me more, the "men" who write these things and expect a response.....or the women that actually respond. hmmm.
Thursday, May 13, 2010
Thursday, March 08, 2007
They Make Me Feel Better About Myself
I’ve been busy, stressed and VERY VERY SICK for a long time now. That (AMANDA) is the reason I have not posted. However, someone (AMANDA) was complaining about it last night. I guess someone (AMANDA) needs a life outside of my witty remarks. ;)
Only kidding!
Long overdue……it’s time for another episode of GRAIG’S LIST LOSERS!!!!! (crowd cheers):
(Remember, I don’t fix grammar, spelling or spacing mistakes.)
smoke is fun to watch. - 26
so I got all high on the couch and started thinking about who the perfect girl would be for me. Here's what I've come up with so far: - Hot - Great rack - Fun to hang out with If you fit that description, please let me know.
Right, because if I was a fun hot chick with a great rack my ideal guy would be some 26 year old stoner. What?? Is he hoping she’s all tapped out of the AA guys? Let me guess, this guy’s idea of a good date is getting high, putting on Fantasia and listening to some Fall Out Boy. Fuuuuun. Bad stoner!!! No munchies!!
Mature white man looking for female - 50
Hello there,I'm looking for a female 30-50 y/o, petite/slender, N/S, D/D free.I hope to meet someone nice.....no professionals please.I am openminded,passionate and love to kiss.Drop me a line and lets meet for coffee.
At first this is kind of a boring post, then you get to the “no professionals please.” What does that mean? Are we talking no professionals like he doesn’t want a woman with a career and who is self reliant? Or are we talking no professionals, like he doesn’t want a hooker? I am a little confused. Is he really worried old dirty hookers are scamming Craig’s list trying to catch themselves a old man? No hunny, those ladies come right out and tell you…..$100 a blow.
Justin Timberlake show
Looking for a fun, cute, girl to go see JT with me next week. Have great seats and my friend is going out of town now. Please include a pic.
In case you were wondering, this is that 28 year old guy still living in his parents basement that watches the 8th grade Catholic school girls get off the bus after school. He bought himself some tickets and will only give them to you if you’re under 18 and promise not to call the cops.
stuck on house arrest till april 4.. need company – 30
nice guy!!always wrong place wrong time...messenger anyone?yahoo?msn? Have pics!
Wow, he probably comes with his own handcuffs!!! Plus think of all the fun you could have playing “Is that your ankle braclet monitoring device or are you just happy to see me?!”
Apparently today is stoner post day, because ¾ of the posts talk about getting high. Fun times!
(HAPPY AMANDA!!!!) ;)
Only kidding!
Long overdue……it’s time for another episode of GRAIG’S LIST LOSERS!!!!! (crowd cheers):
(Remember, I don’t fix grammar, spelling or spacing mistakes.)
smoke is fun to watch. - 26
so I got all high on the couch and started thinking about who the perfect girl would be for me. Here's what I've come up with so far: - Hot - Great rack - Fun to hang out with If you fit that description, please let me know.
Right, because if I was a fun hot chick with a great rack my ideal guy would be some 26 year old stoner. What?? Is he hoping she’s all tapped out of the AA guys? Let me guess, this guy’s idea of a good date is getting high, putting on Fantasia and listening to some Fall Out Boy. Fuuuuun. Bad stoner!!! No munchies!!
Mature white man looking for female - 50
Hello there,I'm looking for a female 30-50 y/o, petite/slender, N/S, D/D free.I hope to meet someone nice.....no professionals please.I am openminded,passionate and love to kiss.Drop me a line and lets meet for coffee.
At first this is kind of a boring post, then you get to the “no professionals please.” What does that mean? Are we talking no professionals like he doesn’t want a woman with a career and who is self reliant? Or are we talking no professionals, like he doesn’t want a hooker? I am a little confused. Is he really worried old dirty hookers are scamming Craig’s list trying to catch themselves a old man? No hunny, those ladies come right out and tell you…..$100 a blow.
Justin Timberlake show
Looking for a fun, cute, girl to go see JT with me next week. Have great seats and my friend is going out of town now. Please include a pic.
In case you were wondering, this is that 28 year old guy still living in his parents basement that watches the 8th grade Catholic school girls get off the bus after school. He bought himself some tickets and will only give them to you if you’re under 18 and promise not to call the cops.
stuck on house arrest till april 4.. need company – 30
nice guy!!always wrong place wrong time...messenger anyone?yahoo?msn? Have pics!
Wow, he probably comes with his own handcuffs!!! Plus think of all the fun you could have playing “Is that your ankle braclet monitoring device or are you just happy to see me?!”
Apparently today is stoner post day, because ¾ of the posts talk about getting high. Fun times!
(HAPPY AMANDA!!!!) ;)
Thursday, February 22, 2007
Men Like Women Who Can Cook
So I realize it’s been almost a month since I posted. This is mostly due to the fact school started and it’s been kicking my ass.
However, I am sitting on hold with government agencies and so I have some time on my hands.
On Mondays Sarah and I go to a friends house to watch 24. The past two times we’ve made dinner. The first time was for Sarah’s birthday and it was a surprise. I made lasagna, Nonie’s recipe.
The second time was because these fools now expect meals when we come over. They're not stupid, they know a good thing when they taste it.
However, I am sitting on hold with government agencies and so I have some time on my hands.
On Mondays Sarah and I go to a friends house to watch 24. The past two times we’ve made dinner. The first time was for Sarah’s birthday and it was a surprise. I made lasagna, Nonie’s recipe.
The second time was because these fools now expect meals when we come over. They're not stupid, they know a good thing when they taste it.
Ok, only kidding…I actually like cooking and love cooking for other people, especially hungry people who appreciate it. Although, for all I know they’re just lying because they’re nice people. (Obviously these are new friends, as the friends we all know and love would just tell me the food sucked.)
Anyway, all this cooking has required me to call up Nonie more often for recipe ideas and tips on things. She finds this all funny I guess because when I ask her she laughs. So I recently called her again for more tips and she goes:
“Joanie, how do your friends like your cooking?”
“Oh, I think they like it. The lasagna went over really well. I’m going to have to make this again.”
“Oh honey, I am so happy. You know, men like a woman who can cook”
“Um, great.”
“So, these friends” (she says friends all suspicious, like I am actually making this stuff for my dolls and pretending they’re real people b/c I am crazy) “how often do you do this for them”
“Mondays.”
“Are there gentlemen there?”
“Hmm, gentlemen, no. No one that fancy. There are some guys there though.”
“Ohh, that’s good. You’re going to make some man very happy once day.”
Ok, so I am trying not to laugh. All of this because I asked her for her meatball recipe? I wonder what would have ensued if I would have gone for the top secret cannelloni recipe?
“Well thanks Nonie, I appreciate the complement.”
“I just want to see you happy and married before I die.”
Man, there they go. I love how grandparents and parents threaten loneliness after they’re gone. Like by them threatening to die on us makes us run out and marry the first non mutant looking person we see. Bonus points if he’s dressed sharply, b/c that makes him an attorney, doctor or chauffer.
I bet this is how Craig’s List dating was started. Everyone on there looking for dates/hook up has a parent or grandparent at home threatening to die.
In case anyone is reading this and is interested in a very attractive and funny, hot tempered, Irish Italian Catholic chick who can cook and has only minor issues……..Nonie is taking applications.
Oh bonus: I also know a LOT of random crap about stupid useless things. You’ll be amazed.
Anyway, all this cooking has required me to call up Nonie more often for recipe ideas and tips on things. She finds this all funny I guess because when I ask her she laughs. So I recently called her again for more tips and she goes:
“Joanie, how do your friends like your cooking?”
“Oh, I think they like it. The lasagna went over really well. I’m going to have to make this again.”
“Oh honey, I am so happy. You know, men like a woman who can cook”
“Um, great.”
“So, these friends” (she says friends all suspicious, like I am actually making this stuff for my dolls and pretending they’re real people b/c I am crazy) “how often do you do this for them”
“Mondays.”
“Are there gentlemen there?”
“Hmm, gentlemen, no. No one that fancy. There are some guys there though.”
“Ohh, that’s good. You’re going to make some man very happy once day.”
Ok, so I am trying not to laugh. All of this because I asked her for her meatball recipe? I wonder what would have ensued if I would have gone for the top secret cannelloni recipe?
“Well thanks Nonie, I appreciate the complement.”
“I just want to see you happy and married before I die.”
Man, there they go. I love how grandparents and parents threaten loneliness after they’re gone. Like by them threatening to die on us makes us run out and marry the first non mutant looking person we see. Bonus points if he’s dressed sharply, b/c that makes him an attorney, doctor or chauffer.
I bet this is how Craig’s List dating was started. Everyone on there looking for dates/hook up has a parent or grandparent at home threatening to die.
In case anyone is reading this and is interested in a very attractive and funny, hot tempered, Irish Italian Catholic chick who can cook and has only minor issues……..Nonie is taking applications.
Oh bonus: I also know a LOT of random crap about stupid useless things. You’ll be amazed.
Thursday, January 25, 2007
DA BEARS
Yeah, I haven't posted in a while and I might not for a little bit long....sorry.
However, I found this on my sister's friend's facebook page (i know i am coooooooooooool) and I wanted to share it.
BEAR DOWN!!!!!
A first grade teacher explains to her class that she is an Indianapolis Colts fan. She asks her students to raise their hands if they are Colts fans too. Not really knowing what a Colts fan was, but wanting to be liked by their teacher, their hands fly into the air.
There is, however, one exception. Susie has not gone along with the crowd. The teacher asks her why she has decided to be different. "Because I'm not a Colts fan" she reports. "Then," asks the teacher, "what are you?" "I'm a Chicago Bears fan!" boasts the little girl. The teacher asks Susie why she is a Bears fan. "Well, my Dad and Mom are Bears fans, so I'm a Bears fan too" she responds. "That's no reason," the teacher says. "What if your mom was a moron and your dad was an idiot. What would you be then?"
Susie smiles and says, "A Colts fan."
However, I found this on my sister's friend's facebook page (i know i am coooooooooooool) and I wanted to share it.
BEAR DOWN!!!!!
A first grade teacher explains to her class that she is an Indianapolis Colts fan. She asks her students to raise their hands if they are Colts fans too. Not really knowing what a Colts fan was, but wanting to be liked by their teacher, their hands fly into the air.
There is, however, one exception. Susie has not gone along with the crowd. The teacher asks her why she has decided to be different. "Because I'm not a Colts fan" she reports. "Then," asks the teacher, "what are you?" "I'm a Chicago Bears fan!" boasts the little girl. The teacher asks Susie why she is a Bears fan. "Well, my Dad and Mom are Bears fans, so I'm a Bears fan too" she responds. "That's no reason," the teacher says. "What if your mom was a moron and your dad was an idiot. What would you be then?"
Susie smiles and says, "A Colts fan."
Wednesday, January 10, 2007
Cuff Me...I'm a Bad Girl.....
I hate the weekdays, mostly b/c I hate my job. However, this Wednesday morning started off nicely.
I went to White Hen like I do most mornings for my daily dose of Irish Crème flavored coffee. I probably go in about 4-6 times a week to the point where the White Hen guy calls me Irish.
So the morning started off normal, with White Hen guy and me talking in Spanglish:
White Hen Guy: “Buenos días, Irish. I am making up a new pot for you.”
Me: “Buenos días and gracias. Como’ estas?”
White Hen Guy: “Estupendo!!!” Then he started rambling in Spanish.
Me: “o.k… I got you were super. After that I am lost.”
White Hen Guy laughs: “Ahh. Sorry. Are you excited for the big game?”
We start talking Bears football. I won’t add in all we talked about because you all have heard my rant before. While we were talking someone came in and walked towards us.
“Buenos días Detective! Irish and I were talking about the Bears!”
I looked up to see the hottest thing I have seen since Kelly had that hot doctor in the hospital. He was wearing a suit (very Law & Order) with his badge on his belt and when he moved his jacket to get his wallet you could see his gun in his shoulder harness. H-O-T-T HOT!!! Physically he was tall, dark hair hair, dark eyes, amazing smile……………………
Oh sorry…..got taken back there this morning. Anyway….
HOT cop: “Are we now?” Smiles at me, and I know I turned red. “So what have we decided?”
White Hen Guy: “Irish here thinks Grossman should be taken out back and shot, like you would do to a lame horse. ‘Put him out of our misery’ I believe was the direct quote.”
Hot cop starts laughing, which was good, because the alternative was him taking me in for murder threats.
Hot Cop: “Well, I would have to agree with her on that one.”
White Hen Guy excuses himself and I am left there all turned on and tongue tied by the hot cop. This was my chance to put an end to my drought. So I thought of the coolest thing to say….
“Could you pass me two Splendas please?” (with a little smile)
I know. I’m amazing. He must have been floored because he responded in the most romantic way.
“Sure” and handed them over.
I know I know, but what the hell was I supposed to do?? Jump up on the counter and tell him to take me anyway he wants?? HELLO!!! This isn’t a porno and I was raised with waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaay to much Irish Catholic guilt to ever let that happened.
Sad isn’t it?
Hot Cop and I did talk some Bears football before he got a call and had to run. Amazingly enough he didn’t pay for his coffee (hmm, in Chicago?? No!) However, White Hen Guy ended up giving me a free coffee too. So it was a win/win situation.
Well, maybe not. I guess a bigger win would have been if I would have ended up in the back of his unmarked car while he performed a thorough a full body search.
What?? Was that wrong? Too far?? Ok fine. I hate you anyway.
I went to White Hen like I do most mornings for my daily dose of Irish Crème flavored coffee. I probably go in about 4-6 times a week to the point where the White Hen guy calls me Irish.
So the morning started off normal, with White Hen guy and me talking in Spanglish:
White Hen Guy: “Buenos días, Irish. I am making up a new pot for you.”
Me: “Buenos días and gracias. Como’ estas?”
White Hen Guy: “Estupendo!!!” Then he started rambling in Spanish.
Me: “o.k… I got you were super. After that I am lost.”
White Hen Guy laughs: “Ahh. Sorry. Are you excited for the big game?”
We start talking Bears football. I won’t add in all we talked about because you all have heard my rant before. While we were talking someone came in and walked towards us.
“Buenos días Detective! Irish and I were talking about the Bears!”
I looked up to see the hottest thing I have seen since Kelly had that hot doctor in the hospital. He was wearing a suit (very Law & Order) with his badge on his belt and when he moved his jacket to get his wallet you could see his gun in his shoulder harness. H-O-T-T HOT!!! Physically he was tall, dark hair hair, dark eyes, amazing smile……………………
Oh sorry…..got taken back there this morning. Anyway….
HOT cop: “Are we now?” Smiles at me, and I know I turned red. “So what have we decided?”
White Hen Guy: “Irish here thinks Grossman should be taken out back and shot, like you would do to a lame horse. ‘Put him out of our misery’ I believe was the direct quote.”
Hot cop starts laughing, which was good, because the alternative was him taking me in for murder threats.
Hot Cop: “Well, I would have to agree with her on that one.”
White Hen Guy excuses himself and I am left there all turned on and tongue tied by the hot cop. This was my chance to put an end to my drought. So I thought of the coolest thing to say….
“Could you pass me two Splendas please?” (with a little smile)
I know. I’m amazing. He must have been floored because he responded in the most romantic way.
“Sure” and handed them over.
I know I know, but what the hell was I supposed to do?? Jump up on the counter and tell him to take me anyway he wants?? HELLO!!! This isn’t a porno and I was raised with waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaay to much Irish Catholic guilt to ever let that happened.
Sad isn’t it?
Hot Cop and I did talk some Bears football before he got a call and had to run. Amazingly enough he didn’t pay for his coffee (hmm, in Chicago?? No!) However, White Hen Guy ended up giving me a free coffee too. So it was a win/win situation.
Well, maybe not. I guess a bigger win would have been if I would have ended up in the back of his unmarked car while he performed a thorough a full body search.
What?? Was that wrong? Too far?? Ok fine. I hate you anyway.
Wednesday, January 03, 2007
2007 Craig's List Losers
Happy New Year Kiddies!!!!! I would dazzle you with the adventures of my Quarter Century Birthday Bash, but alas I really don’t remember it.
Honestly!!! I think by the end of the night I was 4 Blue Moons, 5 shots and 4 car bombs into it and my lovely friends footed the bill. Yeah, I am so lucky I am not dead.
So in lieu of sharing the memories I don’t have, here is your first installment of 2007 Craig’s List Losers…….
Upscale SWM looking be your cuckold - 33
I am a nice professionally educated gentleman, an attractive single white male (33yo, 6'1", 180lbs) with a life long fantasy of dating a girl who will cheat on me. Tease me, make me take you out only to have you hit on other guys while I'm there. Compare me to others, bring a guy back to my place and make me sleep in the guest room while you have your way with him. Cuckold me. Serious and nice. I'm not looking to hook up, looking to build a friendship where you hopefully enjoy teasing and taunting me as much as I enjoy the jealousy of seeing you with another man, or men, or whatever YOU want. Please be for real. I will do the same in return
Right. The picture on his page is of him leaning over a railing on a cruise ship. Kind of creepy if you ask me, but alas I guess the Brad Pitts of the word are not getting on line hoping to meet some slut that will sexually castrate him.
Start the New Year, New
I currently live in Houston, Texas but I'm originally grew up on the Southside of Chicago, back in the day. I've been in TX for about 28 years or so. I have a great job, a wife, house, dog, fence, and no kids. I'm in great shape for 48 yrs young. I want to run away from my marriage leave everything behind and start new in Chicago. I need a nice down to earth female friend willing to take a chance on me moving in with them for awhile until I get back on my feet which would be in about two to three weeks after hitting Chicago. Anyone truly wanting to start their new year on something crazy, hit me back you won’t be sorry trust me.
Please let me reword this: “HI! I’m trying to find a way to run away from my responsibility. I have some nagging bitch in Texas that I don’t have the balls to divorce; probably because she cut them off and ate them for dinner about 20 years ago.
My plan is to move to Chicago and sleep on your couch until one day I go for some smokes and you change the locks. Until then I will eat your food, walking around in my stained tighty whiteys and blow my nose on my old Van Halen t-shirts.
So please respond with a picture, because even though I am a balding beer bellied skunk I will only live with bleached out dimwitted hotties.
IM JUST A BOY THAT WANTS A GIRL 2 LOVE HIM - 27
I AM JUST A BOY THAT WANTS A GIRL 2 LOVE HIM. IS THAT SO MUCH TO ASK. I GUESS BEING A NICE AND GOOD GUY THESE DAYS DOES NOT MATTER ANYMORE JUST LOOKS.
First off, we did not need all the caps in order for you to get your point across. This isn’t AIM and you’re not telling Tiffany that Bobby just kissed Lisa by the tennis courts. Got it?
Second, why are you ripping off Knotting Hill? I mean really! (Don't forget. I'm just a girl standing in front of a boy...asking him to love her.") Kind of sad little man.
Or is this a game? Like you throw one out there, then it’s my turn and if we both guess right we get a date?? Is it?? Ok my turn: “Don’t say we aren't right for each other, the way I see it is. We aren't right for anyone else”
What? You don’t know it? Awww, well I guess you loose.
Canada love - 29
Hi all, I’m mike and i work for an airline that brings me here bi weekly. Just looking for a new friend to see the city with. not sure if normal is what you want but that’s what I am. hope to hear form you
Ok, we all know I am partial to the Canadians, and the pic Mike attached is really cute (if that’s him). However, Mike is probably a flight attendant and as much as I like being the driving board for closeted homosexuals…..I think I’ll take a pass.
~~Sorry there’s not more, but it appears that 2007 is a slow one for old Craig’s list. Hopefully some more psychos log on in the future.
I’m still toying with the idea of making an add to see if I get any hits. Hmmm….
Honestly!!! I think by the end of the night I was 4 Blue Moons, 5 shots and 4 car bombs into it and my lovely friends footed the bill. Yeah, I am so lucky I am not dead.
So in lieu of sharing the memories I don’t have, here is your first installment of 2007 Craig’s List Losers…….
Upscale SWM looking be your cuckold - 33
I am a nice professionally educated gentleman, an attractive single white male (33yo, 6'1", 180lbs) with a life long fantasy of dating a girl who will cheat on me. Tease me, make me take you out only to have you hit on other guys while I'm there. Compare me to others, bring a guy back to my place and make me sleep in the guest room while you have your way with him. Cuckold me. Serious and nice. I'm not looking to hook up, looking to build a friendship where you hopefully enjoy teasing and taunting me as much as I enjoy the jealousy of seeing you with another man, or men, or whatever YOU want. Please be for real. I will do the same in return
Right. The picture on his page is of him leaning over a railing on a cruise ship. Kind of creepy if you ask me, but alas I guess the Brad Pitts of the word are not getting on line hoping to meet some slut that will sexually castrate him.
Start the New Year, New
I currently live in Houston, Texas but I'm originally grew up on the Southside of Chicago, back in the day. I've been in TX for about 28 years or so. I have a great job, a wife, house, dog, fence, and no kids. I'm in great shape for 48 yrs young. I want to run away from my marriage leave everything behind and start new in Chicago. I need a nice down to earth female friend willing to take a chance on me moving in with them for awhile until I get back on my feet which would be in about two to three weeks after hitting Chicago. Anyone truly wanting to start their new year on something crazy, hit me back you won’t be sorry trust me.
Please let me reword this: “HI! I’m trying to find a way to run away from my responsibility. I have some nagging bitch in Texas that I don’t have the balls to divorce; probably because she cut them off and ate them for dinner about 20 years ago.
My plan is to move to Chicago and sleep on your couch until one day I go for some smokes and you change the locks. Until then I will eat your food, walking around in my stained tighty whiteys and blow my nose on my old Van Halen t-shirts.
So please respond with a picture, because even though I am a balding beer bellied skunk I will only live with bleached out dimwitted hotties.
IM JUST A BOY THAT WANTS A GIRL 2 LOVE HIM - 27
I AM JUST A BOY THAT WANTS A GIRL 2 LOVE HIM. IS THAT SO MUCH TO ASK. I GUESS BEING A NICE AND GOOD GUY THESE DAYS DOES NOT MATTER ANYMORE JUST LOOKS.
First off, we did not need all the caps in order for you to get your point across. This isn’t AIM and you’re not telling Tiffany that Bobby just kissed Lisa by the tennis courts. Got it?
Second, why are you ripping off Knotting Hill? I mean really! (Don't forget. I'm just a girl standing in front of a boy...asking him to love her.") Kind of sad little man.
Or is this a game? Like you throw one out there, then it’s my turn and if we both guess right we get a date?? Is it?? Ok my turn: “Don’t say we aren't right for each other, the way I see it is. We aren't right for anyone else”
What? You don’t know it? Awww, well I guess you loose.
Canada love - 29
Hi all, I’m mike and i work for an airline that brings me here bi weekly. Just looking for a new friend to see the city with. not sure if normal is what you want but that’s what I am. hope to hear form you
Ok, we all know I am partial to the Canadians, and the pic Mike attached is really cute (if that’s him). However, Mike is probably a flight attendant and as much as I like being the driving board for closeted homosexuals…..I think I’ll take a pass.
~~Sorry there’s not more, but it appears that 2007 is a slow one for old Craig’s list. Hopefully some more psychos log on in the future.
I’m still toying with the idea of making an add to see if I get any hits. Hmmm….
Monday, December 18, 2006
2007, the year of the wedding
I just learned that yet ANOTHER one of my friends is engaged. Apparently this marriage thing is catching on faster then Herpes in a frat house.
So it’s looking like the six weddings I went to this year will be top by the eight I will have next year. Yes, I said eight.
Over the weekend a friend and I were talking about this trend. I mentioned that I’m going to have to take a loan out just to pay for wedding gifts.
You know how we all have that one friend that you love to death, but sometimes you want to hold a pillow over her head until she stops breathing??? Well that’s Kayla’s and mine friend Jamie…and now she’s apparently getting married.
Jamie called me last night to inform me of the good news. Jamie is marrying a boy from Napa Valley, so the wedding is going to be on a vineyard in California. Nice!!!
The fun part of this phone call was that Jamie called everyone in her phone book at 11:00 p.m., you know…1:00 a.m. my time. Thanks JAMS!!
To know Jamie is to love her, and I say this b/c I am about to really make fun of her perky and positiveness. So I have to be nice before I completely rip her a new one. (kinda kidding??) Read Jamie’s parts like you’re coked up on speed and happy pills, b/c that’s how she sounds.
Jamie: “So, I was thinking about guest lists and stuff and you are totally invited!”
Me: “Well, I would hope so! You’re calling me at 1:00 to tell me, to not invite me would be mean.”
J: “Oh you’ve always been so funny!! Anyway, I was thinking. You should totally not bring a date b/c Peter has like a million single friends and we can play matchmaker. You know me, I don’t know if a lot of the girls will show up, but my plan is to stick you and Kim at a table with all guys. It will be great. I will make sure we prescreen them and you’ll love it. A bunch of football loving mudgy boys. I’ll put as many Irish and Catholic boys in the mix to assure we find a suitable one, b/c you know what my mom says about all of that. It’s just really hard to mix religions and plus you would have such a pretty Catholic wedding. I’ve seen the church you go to remember when my sister lived in Chicago. She went St. Clement and…..”
Me: “JAMIE!!! BREATH!!!!!! Ok, so you have me married now. I mean what if I am dating someone.”
J: laughing. Yes the bitch was laughing. “oh honey, I didn’t mean it that way. I just meant that we’re getting married in June. Yeah I know fast wedding, but I highly doubt you’ll find someone serious by then. Anyway, so I can’t make you a bridesmaid b/c I have to many sisters and friends and such, but I want you to do a reading and I was thinking about the love is patient one. Now as far as colors go I was thinking that all the readers could wear matching……..”
I might have fallen asleep on the phone. I love her, but she’s a little out of it. She might have been high. No, that’s just Jamie.
It’s funny b/c I don’t think I’ve talked to Jamie in over a year. I love her, but the call and the rambling was a little crazy.
In deep contract was the call from Kayla this morning.
“Did you talk to Jamie??? Has she finally lost it.”
M: “Did she tell you about her idea and my boy table.”
K: “Yeah………um. I MIGHT have had something to do with that. I jokingly told her that with all these weddings and all your friends being in relationships…..well, that you sit at home with your cat watching beaches and crying most nights.”
M: “Why would you do that?”
K: “B/c she was annoying me and kept talking. SO I figured if she called you I would be left alone.”
M: “I hate you.”
K: “Awww…poor baby.”
~~Yeah, K is a bitch. But joke is on her. I called Jamie this afternoon to tell her that Kayla was just trying to hide the fact that she was knocked up and would be to preggers to come to the wedding.
As of 2:00 this afternoon, Kayla has had 3 phone calls from Jamie. One call was about reputable adoption agencies in Colorado. Yeah NO ONE thinks Kayla should have kids. .
Ahh friendship, when torturing someone is just a way of showing them that you care.
So it’s looking like the six weddings I went to this year will be top by the eight I will have next year. Yes, I said eight.
Over the weekend a friend and I were talking about this trend. I mentioned that I’m going to have to take a loan out just to pay for wedding gifts.
You know how we all have that one friend that you love to death, but sometimes you want to hold a pillow over her head until she stops breathing??? Well that’s Kayla’s and mine friend Jamie…and now she’s apparently getting married.
Jamie called me last night to inform me of the good news. Jamie is marrying a boy from Napa Valley, so the wedding is going to be on a vineyard in California. Nice!!!
The fun part of this phone call was that Jamie called everyone in her phone book at 11:00 p.m., you know…1:00 a.m. my time. Thanks JAMS!!
To know Jamie is to love her, and I say this b/c I am about to really make fun of her perky and positiveness. So I have to be nice before I completely rip her a new one. (kinda kidding??) Read Jamie’s parts like you’re coked up on speed and happy pills, b/c that’s how she sounds.
Jamie: “So, I was thinking about guest lists and stuff and you are totally invited!”
Me: “Well, I would hope so! You’re calling me at 1:00 to tell me, to not invite me would be mean.”
J: “Oh you’ve always been so funny!! Anyway, I was thinking. You should totally not bring a date b/c Peter has like a million single friends and we can play matchmaker. You know me, I don’t know if a lot of the girls will show up, but my plan is to stick you and Kim at a table with all guys. It will be great. I will make sure we prescreen them and you’ll love it. A bunch of football loving mudgy boys. I’ll put as many Irish and Catholic boys in the mix to assure we find a suitable one, b/c you know what my mom says about all of that. It’s just really hard to mix religions and plus you would have such a pretty Catholic wedding. I’ve seen the church you go to remember when my sister lived in Chicago. She went St. Clement and…..”
Me: “JAMIE!!! BREATH!!!!!! Ok, so you have me married now. I mean what if I am dating someone.”
J: laughing. Yes the bitch was laughing. “oh honey, I didn’t mean it that way. I just meant that we’re getting married in June. Yeah I know fast wedding, but I highly doubt you’ll find someone serious by then. Anyway, so I can’t make you a bridesmaid b/c I have to many sisters and friends and such, but I want you to do a reading and I was thinking about the love is patient one. Now as far as colors go I was thinking that all the readers could wear matching……..”
I might have fallen asleep on the phone. I love her, but she’s a little out of it. She might have been high. No, that’s just Jamie.
It’s funny b/c I don’t think I’ve talked to Jamie in over a year. I love her, but the call and the rambling was a little crazy.
In deep contract was the call from Kayla this morning.
“Did you talk to Jamie??? Has she finally lost it.”
M: “Did she tell you about her idea and my boy table.”
K: “Yeah………um. I MIGHT have had something to do with that. I jokingly told her that with all these weddings and all your friends being in relationships…..well, that you sit at home with your cat watching beaches and crying most nights.”
M: “Why would you do that?”
K: “B/c she was annoying me and kept talking. SO I figured if she called you I would be left alone.”
M: “I hate you.”
K: “Awww…poor baby.”
~~Yeah, K is a bitch. But joke is on her. I called Jamie this afternoon to tell her that Kayla was just trying to hide the fact that she was knocked up and would be to preggers to come to the wedding.
As of 2:00 this afternoon, Kayla has had 3 phone calls from Jamie. One call was about reputable adoption agencies in Colorado. Yeah NO ONE thinks Kayla should have kids. .
Ahh friendship, when torturing someone is just a way of showing them that you care.
Wednesday, December 06, 2006
An Adult Letter to Santa
Dear Santa,
Remember me? I thought you would. I know it’s been a while, but I have decided to try my hand at you again. Don’t worry; I’ve gotten over the fact that when I was three and wanted a puppy you gave me some ugly ass sweater. I can even forgive you for that whole divorce thing when I was five even though I asked for a pony.
However, this year is really important. These are things I NEED to be accepted by the cool kids and make it so I can have some joy in my sad little life.
1) BEARS vs Packers Ticket!!! COME ON!!! WHO DO I HAVE TO SLEEP WITH TO GET THESE THINGS!!!!!!!!! I have asked a million people, and you’re my last hope. It would mean a lot AND make up for the fact my birthday is going to inevitably suck.
2) A Pink iPod. I am the only one at the gym who still uses a diskman. I can see all the other girls and boys looking at me and snickering. “Hey Cassy, check out the LOOOOOOOSER with no iPod.” “Oh. My. God. Greta!! I can not believe they let her join the ultra cool LPAC!!! Come on, let’s go purge.” If I want Cassy and Greta to be my friends I need a THUPER cute iPod that will strap to my arm while I run too fast on the treadmill!!
3) Tall men. No really, is there something wrong with the water in Chicago? Is there a reason that all the straight single guys out there are so little? OK maybe it’s me, I’m spoiled. But the shortest guy I ever dated was 5’11. I like big mudgy trees apparently. I have yet to meet a single, straight, tall and mudgy boy in this city….and it makes me sad. As of now, it’s looking like I am going to have to import someone from out of state or country!! (Canada possibly????)
Ok, it’s kind of sad that I can really only come up with three things. I mean I started this stupid list days ago, but wanted more funny and witty present. However, apparently alls I want for Christmas are football, pink stuff and sex.
Even sadder is that I would forgo the latter two for the football.
Are you listening Santa??? Or has all the fat gone to your ears. Look, I realize that Christmas is more then just gifts, but you’re the one who turned December 25th into a materialistic whorehouse. So let those whore’s lose on me!!!!!!!
Wait, I don’t think that came out right……..
Love,
Joanie
P.S.: Still waiting on that pony.
Remember me? I thought you would. I know it’s been a while, but I have decided to try my hand at you again. Don’t worry; I’ve gotten over the fact that when I was three and wanted a puppy you gave me some ugly ass sweater. I can even forgive you for that whole divorce thing when I was five even though I asked for a pony.
However, this year is really important. These are things I NEED to be accepted by the cool kids and make it so I can have some joy in my sad little life.
1) BEARS vs Packers Ticket!!! COME ON!!! WHO DO I HAVE TO SLEEP WITH TO GET THESE THINGS!!!!!!!!! I have asked a million people, and you’re my last hope. It would mean a lot AND make up for the fact my birthday is going to inevitably suck.
2) A Pink iPod. I am the only one at the gym who still uses a diskman. I can see all the other girls and boys looking at me and snickering. “Hey Cassy, check out the LOOOOOOOSER with no iPod.” “Oh. My. God. Greta!! I can not believe they let her join the ultra cool LPAC!!! Come on, let’s go purge.” If I want Cassy and Greta to be my friends I need a THUPER cute iPod that will strap to my arm while I run too fast on the treadmill!!
3) Tall men. No really, is there something wrong with the water in Chicago? Is there a reason that all the straight single guys out there are so little? OK maybe it’s me, I’m spoiled. But the shortest guy I ever dated was 5’11. I like big mudgy trees apparently. I have yet to meet a single, straight, tall and mudgy boy in this city….and it makes me sad. As of now, it’s looking like I am going to have to import someone from out of state or country!! (Canada possibly????)
Ok, it’s kind of sad that I can really only come up with three things. I mean I started this stupid list days ago, but wanted more funny and witty present. However, apparently alls I want for Christmas are football, pink stuff and sex.
Even sadder is that I would forgo the latter two for the football.
Are you listening Santa??? Or has all the fat gone to your ears. Look, I realize that Christmas is more then just gifts, but you’re the one who turned December 25th into a materialistic whorehouse. So let those whore’s lose on me!!!!!!!
Wait, I don’t think that came out right……..
Love,
Joanie
P.S.: Still waiting on that pony.
Monday, December 04, 2006
Birthday Memories
My 25th birthday is in 24 days. What sucks most about my birthday is that its three days after Christmas and no one is ever really around. (Except for a certain few people who have helped me make the best out of the day!!)
What also sucks about it is that I am sick about 98% of the time. I have spent the majority of my birthdays on medication for some illness (strep throat seems to be the most popular) and even have spent about ¼ of them in the hospital.
My junior year of college birthday is the most recent hospital bound one. I was about to turn 21 and instead of gearing up for my birthday; I was in the pediatrics unit at Good Samaritan Hospital. At one point a little boy came in my room to tell me I was to old to be in the kids rooms.
Anyway, that birthday was uneventful since most of my home friends were younger then 21, my older 21 friends were in Michigan or other places and I was doped up on medication. No bar hopping for my twenty-first birthday! There were a couple other things that made it crappy, but we’ll leave that alone.
The fun came when I got back to State. My friends threw a dinner and bar experience for me, and Brett even got me an extra special surprise.
B: “well J, we all know how much you like flowers and how that ass never gets you any. So I wanted to get you some extra special flowers for your birthday. They’re no roses, but I think you will love them.”
Then be brings out these flower shaped things. Turned out he had someone widdle flowers out of POTATOES!!! They were then stuck in sticks and put in a vase made from a Parrot Bay bottle.
It was hysterical.
Anyway, we all ate some pizza and then went out boozing until the bars closed. Upon returning home to Kayla’s (so drunk I think Chad piggy backed me home) we decided to get food.
Apparently I had the amazing idea to cook the potato flowers. So I took them out of the Parrot Bay and stuck them in the microwave.
I then proceeded to poke everyone with the sticks. Meanwhile, Matt was filling water balloons and throwing them at people walking by the house.
In the middle of a Michigan January….a/k/a -5000 degrees!!!
I don’t really remember anything past that. I just remember that when I woke up the next morning, not only was I sleeping in a bed with 3 other people BUT there were potato remnants EVERYWHERE!!!!
No one really knows what happened, alls we know is that the potatoes cooked a little too long and possibly exploded. Then Tommy took them out of the microwave all deformed and when I saw them I got sad and said “You killed my potatoes.”
Apparently this was Tommy’s cue to start throwing the dead potato flowers all over the house.
Kayla was a tad pissed in the morning b/c her house was trashed. I was pissed b/c my potatoes were dead.
Yes….we’re a mature lot.
What also sucks about it is that I am sick about 98% of the time. I have spent the majority of my birthdays on medication for some illness (strep throat seems to be the most popular) and even have spent about ¼ of them in the hospital.
My junior year of college birthday is the most recent hospital bound one. I was about to turn 21 and instead of gearing up for my birthday; I was in the pediatrics unit at Good Samaritan Hospital. At one point a little boy came in my room to tell me I was to old to be in the kids rooms.
Anyway, that birthday was uneventful since most of my home friends were younger then 21, my older 21 friends were in Michigan or other places and I was doped up on medication. No bar hopping for my twenty-first birthday! There were a couple other things that made it crappy, but we’ll leave that alone.
The fun came when I got back to State. My friends threw a dinner and bar experience for me, and Brett even got me an extra special surprise.
B: “well J, we all know how much you like flowers and how that ass never gets you any. So I wanted to get you some extra special flowers for your birthday. They’re no roses, but I think you will love them.”
Then be brings out these flower shaped things. Turned out he had someone widdle flowers out of POTATOES!!! They were then stuck in sticks and put in a vase made from a Parrot Bay bottle.
It was hysterical.
Anyway, we all ate some pizza and then went out boozing until the bars closed. Upon returning home to Kayla’s (so drunk I think Chad piggy backed me home) we decided to get food.
Apparently I had the amazing idea to cook the potato flowers. So I took them out of the Parrot Bay and stuck them in the microwave.
I then proceeded to poke everyone with the sticks. Meanwhile, Matt was filling water balloons and throwing them at people walking by the house.
In the middle of a Michigan January….a/k/a -5000 degrees!!!
I don’t really remember anything past that. I just remember that when I woke up the next morning, not only was I sleeping in a bed with 3 other people BUT there were potato remnants EVERYWHERE!!!!
No one really knows what happened, alls we know is that the potatoes cooked a little too long and possibly exploded. Then Tommy took them out of the microwave all deformed and when I saw them I got sad and said “You killed my potatoes.”
Apparently this was Tommy’s cue to start throwing the dead potato flowers all over the house.
Kayla was a tad pissed in the morning b/c her house was trashed. I was pissed b/c my potatoes were dead.
Yes….we’re a mature lot.
Monday, November 27, 2006
Oh so much has happened in the past couple of days, but I think the very best story had to occur Saturday, November 17th.
I should probably back up just a little bit and let you know that I am now a Surprise Party Representative. What is a surprise Party you ask? Well it is a home party for women. I bring fun lotions, toys and other fun love stuff. It’s like Tupperware, but a hell of a lot more fun.
Anyway, after my party on Saturday I was really tired and put the “toys” away without taking their batteries out. Of course when I put the demo bin into the car a couple of the toys went off. I, however, did not realize this until after I was driving down the street, but I figured I would just wait until I got to the gas station to do anything.
There was NO ONE on the road when I was driving to I opted to take an illegal U turn. Once I completed said U Turn a Westmont Police Officer was right behind me, pulling me over.
Officer: “License and Registration please.”
Me: “ok”
Office: “ma’am….do you know U Turns are illegal?”
~~slighting buzzing heard in the background…..starts to get louder~~
Me: “Sorry officer.”
O: “Ma’am what is that noise?”
I turn slightly red and being to explain….
“Well, sir…I am a Surprise Party Representative..” I give him my card. “And I sell lotions and fun love toys. Basically, that noise is the vibrators banging against each other and the bin they’re in. I was lazy and forgot to take out the batteries before I put them away.”
Officer: “Um…..ok. Well, I am going to have to check that out. Can you please step out of the vehicle and open the bin making the noise.”
So I get out of the car, open the trunk and proceed to show the officer that the noise is in fact the vibrators and NOT a bomb.”
After dealing with a little blushing, the officer lets me go with a warning and tells me to remember to take the batters out next time. I tell him to pass his car along to his wife or girlfriend.
Oh…it gets better.
So I get to the gas station and while the gas is pumping I am taking the batteries out of the toys. I get all the batteries out and go to put the bin back in the car.
Well, apparently I forgot to put the latch on correctly and the top of the bin opened and penis mints, penis gummies, books on erotic massage (with pictures) and other fun things fell.
As I was picking everything up I noticed that the guy behind me seemed very interested in what I was putting away…..So I handed the lady in his car my card!!!
Basically that weekend taught me to take the batteries out of the toys before I put them away no matter how lazy I am, and make sure all latches are secured before moving a bin.
Fun times….fuuuuuuuuuuuuuuun times…………..
~~if anyone reading this would like to Host a Surpirse Party, feel free to email me at joanie.surprise.party@gmail.com. The parties are for WOMEN only and you must be over 18 years old.
I should probably back up just a little bit and let you know that I am now a Surprise Party Representative. What is a surprise Party you ask? Well it is a home party for women. I bring fun lotions, toys and other fun love stuff. It’s like Tupperware, but a hell of a lot more fun.
Anyway, after my party on Saturday I was really tired and put the “toys” away without taking their batteries out. Of course when I put the demo bin into the car a couple of the toys went off. I, however, did not realize this until after I was driving down the street, but I figured I would just wait until I got to the gas station to do anything.
There was NO ONE on the road when I was driving to I opted to take an illegal U turn. Once I completed said U Turn a Westmont Police Officer was right behind me, pulling me over.
Officer: “License and Registration please.”
Me: “ok”
Office: “ma’am….do you know U Turns are illegal?”
~~slighting buzzing heard in the background…..starts to get louder~~
Me: “Sorry officer.”
O: “Ma’am what is that noise?”
I turn slightly red and being to explain….
“Well, sir…I am a Surprise Party Representative..” I give him my card. “And I sell lotions and fun love toys. Basically, that noise is the vibrators banging against each other and the bin they’re in. I was lazy and forgot to take out the batteries before I put them away.”
Officer: “Um…..ok. Well, I am going to have to check that out. Can you please step out of the vehicle and open the bin making the noise.”
So I get out of the car, open the trunk and proceed to show the officer that the noise is in fact the vibrators and NOT a bomb.”
After dealing with a little blushing, the officer lets me go with a warning and tells me to remember to take the batters out next time. I tell him to pass his car along to his wife or girlfriend.
Oh…it gets better.
So I get to the gas station and while the gas is pumping I am taking the batteries out of the toys. I get all the batteries out and go to put the bin back in the car.
Well, apparently I forgot to put the latch on correctly and the top of the bin opened and penis mints, penis gummies, books on erotic massage (with pictures) and other fun things fell.
As I was picking everything up I noticed that the guy behind me seemed very interested in what I was putting away…..So I handed the lady in his car my card!!!
Basically that weekend taught me to take the batteries out of the toys before I put them away no matter how lazy I am, and make sure all latches are secured before moving a bin.
Fun times….fuuuuuuuuuuuuuuun times…………..
~~if anyone reading this would like to Host a Surpirse Party, feel free to email me at joanie.surprise.party@gmail.com. The parties are for WOMEN only and you must be over 18 years old.
Thursday, November 16, 2006
My bad.....
I’ve been kind of busy recently. My sister had surgery to remove her appendix, and that kind had my mom and I running in circles.
I took Allie to the emergency room on Sunday night thinking she had food poisoning. My mom got there and I went home to finish my homework. The next morning at 5:30 a.m. I got the call from my mom that Allie was in the hospital and would be having surgery later that day.
What my mom needed me to do was come to the hospital, get her keys, move her car, walk Sophie (Allie’s dog) and come back to the hospital. I did all things like a good little girl.
However, there was one snag. When I got to my sister’s condo the key my mom gave me wouldn’t work. I called my mom and she said to use the pliers under the rug to bang it in and turn it.
“Mom, aren’t you afraid this will break in the lock?”
“No, I do it all the time.”
………………..the key broke in the lock. I called the lock smith and he told me he couldn’t come for 4 hours and it would cost about $600.00.
Well, I couldn’t wait because the poor dog had been locked up for over 12 hours and you could hear her crying from inside the condo.
Now before I go on, let me just say I was stressed and worried about my sister AND my mind wasn’t working very well.
Ok back to the lock problem. Anyway, I didn’t know what else to do. So I lowered my shoulder and pushed against the door. I kept doing this until I broke the door in.
Yes, I broke the door.
Now let me just say that the previous owners had done the same thing, so the door frame was pretty jacked up, but none the less once I did it was I like “oh shit, my mom is going to kill me.”
I didn’t tell my mom; instead I called my friends to help me. Thank God for Kate and Dale who came over and helped. Dale fixed the door frame so it would lock and we bought a new deadbolt.
Lesson here is….NEVER listen to my mom about keys and pliers. Also, I have a bruise on my right shoulder and it kind of hurts.
I took Allie to the emergency room on Sunday night thinking she had food poisoning. My mom got there and I went home to finish my homework. The next morning at 5:30 a.m. I got the call from my mom that Allie was in the hospital and would be having surgery later that day.
What my mom needed me to do was come to the hospital, get her keys, move her car, walk Sophie (Allie’s dog) and come back to the hospital. I did all things like a good little girl.
However, there was one snag. When I got to my sister’s condo the key my mom gave me wouldn’t work. I called my mom and she said to use the pliers under the rug to bang it in and turn it.
“Mom, aren’t you afraid this will break in the lock?”
“No, I do it all the time.”
………………..the key broke in the lock. I called the lock smith and he told me he couldn’t come for 4 hours and it would cost about $600.00.
Well, I couldn’t wait because the poor dog had been locked up for over 12 hours and you could hear her crying from inside the condo.
Now before I go on, let me just say I was stressed and worried about my sister AND my mind wasn’t working very well.
Ok back to the lock problem. Anyway, I didn’t know what else to do. So I lowered my shoulder and pushed against the door. I kept doing this until I broke the door in.
Yes, I broke the door.
Now let me just say that the previous owners had done the same thing, so the door frame was pretty jacked up, but none the less once I did it was I like “oh shit, my mom is going to kill me.”
I didn’t tell my mom; instead I called my friends to help me. Thank God for Kate and Dale who came over and helped. Dale fixed the door frame so it would lock and we bought a new deadbolt.
Lesson here is….NEVER listen to my mom about keys and pliers. Also, I have a bruise on my right shoulder and it kind of hurts.
Monday, November 06, 2006
More Craig's Lise Loosers........
I had a lot of schoolwork to get done this weekend and I was feeling kind of sick, so nothing to exciting happened to me. What that means is that I don’t have anything witty to report on.
However, not wanting to let anyone down (b/c I know you kids thrive on this shit) here is another addition of Craig’s List Losers…….
seeking for my soul! – 28
I AM VERY RESPONSIBLE, I AM LOVING , CARING, DEPENDABLE, PASSIONATE, I AM REALISTIC I SEE LIFE AS IT COMES I LIKE TO TAKE A DETERMANATION, ENJOY EVERY MOMENT OF LIFE, I LOVE TO LIFE LIFE TO THE FULLEST, BUT JUST MISSING THAT SPECIAL SOMEONE TO FILL MY HEART, I HAVE BEEN THROUGH ALOT AND ALSO BEEN HURT SO I KNOW STILL HOW TO FACE LIFE STRONG AND FACE THE THINGS AS THEY COME SO IF YOU DID IT I HAVE BEEN THROUGH THAT, JUST BE SINCERE SINCE THE BEGINING, IF YOU ARE SERIOUS LOOKING FOR A SERIOUS RELATIONSHIP,READY TO BE DETERMINE THEN HOWLER BABY!!! SERIOUS DATING, POSSIBLE LONG TERM
Wow, someone was a little hopped up on something when they write this. Was it really necessary to use ALL caps? Why are you yelling? Also, I notice that the love affair started after you wrote the title. Speaking of the title, um does it remind anyone else of something that could be an episode of Charmed? Seeking for my soul? OK, right. This is also the longest run on sentence, and it doesn’t make much sense. However, if you like this add…don’t forget to HOWLER at cha boy.
Looking for a woman to share good times...and more - 38
Heyy Are you there ?..lol.....I am 38 East Indian descent -....well settled......looking for a friend first...you must be below 32 - East Indian - Caucasian - or a wheatish Afro-Am.......must have gone beyond High School....should make good conversation.......We will go out to nice reataurants, concerts, movies....generally have a good time......and go form there.......I am looking for a NO DRAMA ...cool..no pressure relationship ...which is beautiful for both of us.......email me your details....your pix gets mine...:D
Your first sentence wasn’t funny, don’t “lol” it.
I can overlook the “below 32” because I can figure he means younger and not colder, but when he says he wants a “wheatish Afro Am,” I wonder if he wants someone light skinned or someone you could make a sammich on. I keep reading this and hearing Borat’s voice in my head. “Want wheatish woman….VERY NICE.” (it’s not funny if you haven’t see the movie…..sorry.)
Intelligent, Manly 33WM seeks Woman 50+ - 33
I once had a relationship with a woman in her 50s. I miss the intellectual and sensual excitement of involvement with a woman who isn't timid or apologetic for enjoying a youthful man. I don't know if you're out there, but if you're over 50 and enjoy the company of younger men, please drop me a line. Thanks!
SOMEONE has mommy issues!!! That or he just saw the graduate one to many times. ” And here’s to you Mrs. Robbinson…….”
LOOK FOR A GREEK-AMERICAN LADY ,FROM GREEK MAN – 49
PLEASE WRITE ME AND TALK IS BEST FISH IS HERE EYXARISTO-TY
I don’t know what this means, but I now have the sudden urge for some Saganaki. (Which is probably spelled wrong, I don’t care.)
Married guy seeks female daytime play partner - 37
wouldnt it be great to be with someone who whom you can have some little daytime escapes? i am married so I need to be discreet. I am very passionate - poetry, music, food and more. i need a little excitement in my life and would like to help you have some too.
OK, there’s nothing really funny about this post. This guy, and other likes him, are just creeps. Really! Posting on Craig’s list so you can cheat on your wife! Sick. (and women who do this are just as bad)
I always wonder though about these people. Can you imagine posting it and getting a response. You and this mystery woman swap emails for a while and then agree to meet for some afternoon delight. So you pick a day, time and hotel. Once you are there you get your key and walk to the room. You hear her in there and get excited, open the door and …………………………………IT’S YOUR WIFE!!!!!!!!!!
Now one of two things just happened. You’re both cheating bastards who will have A LOT to talk about. OR…..she caught your ass….sucker.
There was a lifetime movie like this. Some girl became a college call girl. She ended up getting some pretty high rolling johns. One day she went to the hotel and when the door opened it was her FATHER!!!!!!!!!!!!! Yeah, pretty creepy huh.
I laughed my ass off.
Does anyone know this woman? – 41
Please have her contact me if you happen to know her. I wanted to speak with her and was able to at the time. Now she is MIA on Match.com.
STALKER!!!!!! Maybe she went MIA for a reason.
~~Have any of you looked at the actual adds on Craig’s List?? Have you noticed the pictures people post? They’re worse then the actually adds.
~~In other news: Brett says I am too hard on the men, and I should equally pick on the women. I would…..if they were as cracked out. Hmmmm….let me go check.
However, not wanting to let anyone down (b/c I know you kids thrive on this shit) here is another addition of Craig’s List Losers…….
seeking for my soul! – 28
I AM VERY RESPONSIBLE, I AM LOVING , CARING, DEPENDABLE, PASSIONATE, I AM REALISTIC I SEE LIFE AS IT COMES I LIKE TO TAKE A DETERMANATION, ENJOY EVERY MOMENT OF LIFE, I LOVE TO LIFE LIFE TO THE FULLEST, BUT JUST MISSING THAT SPECIAL SOMEONE TO FILL MY HEART, I HAVE BEEN THROUGH ALOT AND ALSO BEEN HURT SO I KNOW STILL HOW TO FACE LIFE STRONG AND FACE THE THINGS AS THEY COME SO IF YOU DID IT I HAVE BEEN THROUGH THAT, JUST BE SINCERE SINCE THE BEGINING, IF YOU ARE SERIOUS LOOKING FOR A SERIOUS RELATIONSHIP,READY TO BE DETERMINE THEN HOWLER BABY!!! SERIOUS DATING, POSSIBLE LONG TERM
Wow, someone was a little hopped up on something when they write this. Was it really necessary to use ALL caps? Why are you yelling? Also, I notice that the love affair started after you wrote the title. Speaking of the title, um does it remind anyone else of something that could be an episode of Charmed? Seeking for my soul? OK, right. This is also the longest run on sentence, and it doesn’t make much sense. However, if you like this add…don’t forget to HOWLER at cha boy.
Looking for a woman to share good times...and more - 38
Heyy Are you there ?..lol.....I am 38 East Indian descent -....well settled......looking for a friend first...you must be below 32 - East Indian - Caucasian - or a wheatish Afro-Am.......must have gone beyond High School....should make good conversation.......We will go out to nice reataurants, concerts, movies....generally have a good time......and go form there.......I am looking for a NO DRAMA ...cool..no pressure relationship ...which is beautiful for both of us.......email me your details....your pix gets mine...:D
Your first sentence wasn’t funny, don’t “lol” it.
I can overlook the “below 32” because I can figure he means younger and not colder, but when he says he wants a “wheatish Afro Am,” I wonder if he wants someone light skinned or someone you could make a sammich on. I keep reading this and hearing Borat’s voice in my head. “Want wheatish woman….VERY NICE.” (it’s not funny if you haven’t see the movie…..sorry.)
Intelligent, Manly 33WM seeks Woman 50+ - 33
I once had a relationship with a woman in her 50s. I miss the intellectual and sensual excitement of involvement with a woman who isn't timid or apologetic for enjoying a youthful man. I don't know if you're out there, but if you're over 50 and enjoy the company of younger men, please drop me a line. Thanks!
SOMEONE has mommy issues!!! That or he just saw the graduate one to many times. ” And here’s to you Mrs. Robbinson…….”
LOOK FOR A GREEK-AMERICAN LADY ,FROM GREEK MAN – 49
PLEASE WRITE ME AND TALK IS BEST FISH IS HERE EYXARISTO-TY
I don’t know what this means, but I now have the sudden urge for some Saganaki. (Which is probably spelled wrong, I don’t care.)
Married guy seeks female daytime play partner - 37
wouldnt it be great to be with someone who whom you can have some little daytime escapes? i am married so I need to be discreet. I am very passionate - poetry, music, food and more. i need a little excitement in my life and would like to help you have some too.
OK, there’s nothing really funny about this post. This guy, and other likes him, are just creeps. Really! Posting on Craig’s list so you can cheat on your wife! Sick. (and women who do this are just as bad)
I always wonder though about these people. Can you imagine posting it and getting a response. You and this mystery woman swap emails for a while and then agree to meet for some afternoon delight. So you pick a day, time and hotel. Once you are there you get your key and walk to the room. You hear her in there and get excited, open the door and …………………………………IT’S YOUR WIFE!!!!!!!!!!
Now one of two things just happened. You’re both cheating bastards who will have A LOT to talk about. OR…..she caught your ass….sucker.
There was a lifetime movie like this. Some girl became a college call girl. She ended up getting some pretty high rolling johns. One day she went to the hotel and when the door opened it was her FATHER!!!!!!!!!!!!! Yeah, pretty creepy huh.
I laughed my ass off.
Does anyone know this woman? – 41
Please have her contact me if you happen to know her. I wanted to speak with her and was able to at the time. Now she is MIA on Match.com.
STALKER!!!!!! Maybe she went MIA for a reason.
~~Have any of you looked at the actual adds on Craig’s List?? Have you noticed the pictures people post? They’re worse then the actually adds.
~~In other news: Brett says I am too hard on the men, and I should equally pick on the women. I would…..if they were as cracked out. Hmmmm….let me go check.
Wednesday, November 01, 2006
I Still Don't Get Paid Enough For This Shit
First let me say that I LOVE GRAD SCHOOL! I really do. I will graduate and become a teacher and finally be able to do something I love and I am great at..
That being said, this 3-4 hour sleep a night shit has to end. Functioning is becoming harder and harder. So I need to get my shit together and get more sleep.
I slept two hours last night. I was doing homework (read: rewriting a 15 page paper over and over and over, and reading a terrible book) and when I looked up at the clock it said 5:00 a.m. RIGHT!!!
So anyway, I am a tad out of it. I would like to thank the lovely ladies at Starbucks who put enough espresso into my coffee to give a blue whale the shakes. It is because of you that I did not fall asleep while driving on the IKE and kill people, and why my leg won’t stop shaking.
This has also made it next to impossible to work on anything, as my mind is dead. I have been to court already to file papers and have talked to about 15 clients, but I really can’t focus more then that.
However warped my mind is, I still have the uncanny ability to be a raging asshole. Aren’t we all glad that that hasn’t been impaired?
So last week boss man took me to lunch and he kept going on and on about his wife and how she hates it every time he brings up one of our clients.
(Side note: She’s a female client. She has a cute voice, but I have never seen her. Boss man wants to set her up with one of his divorced friends.)
B: “I just don’t get why bring up her name bothers my wife so much.”
~at this point and time I had been listening to him say this for about ten minutes…..
Me: “Listen, here’s the deal. It’s because you want to set up your friend with her.”
B: “What does that have to do with anything?”
Me: “ok, here’s the deal. Men set their friends up with women they would sleep with but can’t. It’s the mentality of ‘if I can’t tap that….at least you can and toy can tell me all about it!!’”
B: “Really?”
Me: “Please, don’t play stupid with me. Yes really. So when a guy sets his friends up its like saying ‘I would totally bang this chick if I wasn’t married.’ Your wife sees this as you setting your friend up so that you can vicariously bang our client.”
B: “I think you’re onto something.”
Of course I am. I worry about the Creepy Old Men’s Club because come August 2007 I won’t be here to keep them on track.
That being said, this 3-4 hour sleep a night shit has to end. Functioning is becoming harder and harder. So I need to get my shit together and get more sleep.
I slept two hours last night. I was doing homework (read: rewriting a 15 page paper over and over and over, and reading a terrible book) and when I looked up at the clock it said 5:00 a.m. RIGHT!!!
So anyway, I am a tad out of it. I would like to thank the lovely ladies at Starbucks who put enough espresso into my coffee to give a blue whale the shakes. It is because of you that I did not fall asleep while driving on the IKE and kill people, and why my leg won’t stop shaking.
This has also made it next to impossible to work on anything, as my mind is dead. I have been to court already to file papers and have talked to about 15 clients, but I really can’t focus more then that.
However warped my mind is, I still have the uncanny ability to be a raging asshole. Aren’t we all glad that that hasn’t been impaired?
So last week boss man took me to lunch and he kept going on and on about his wife and how she hates it every time he brings up one of our clients.
(Side note: She’s a female client. She has a cute voice, but I have never seen her. Boss man wants to set her up with one of his divorced friends.)
B: “I just don’t get why bring up her name bothers my wife so much.”
~at this point and time I had been listening to him say this for about ten minutes…..
Me: “Listen, here’s the deal. It’s because you want to set up your friend with her.”
B: “What does that have to do with anything?”
Me: “ok, here’s the deal. Men set their friends up with women they would sleep with but can’t. It’s the mentality of ‘if I can’t tap that….at least you can and toy can tell me all about it!!’”
B: “Really?”
Me: “Please, don’t play stupid with me. Yes really. So when a guy sets his friends up its like saying ‘I would totally bang this chick if I wasn’t married.’ Your wife sees this as you setting your friend up so that you can vicariously bang our client.”
B: “I think you’re onto something.”
Of course I am. I worry about the Creepy Old Men’s Club because come August 2007 I won’t be here to keep them on track.
Tuesday, October 24, 2006
Pancakes and Erections
Yeah, I should be taking the “boss out of the office” time to do some homework, but I’m a little ADD right now. So instead I am going to share a little bit of my weekend with Kennice and Dave.
This past weekend those two assholes came up for a visit, and brought Kennice’s friend Lindsey. I must say that Lindsey faired very well spending the weekend with us. However, I haven’t spoken to them since they were stuck in traffic in Paw Paw, so I am not sure if Lindsey is still speaking to anyone.
Amazingly enough we all managed to stay out of jail or the hospital, so it was a good weekend.
On Sunday we got ready to cheer Allie on during her second Chicago Marathon. (Yeah she did it again; Mom and I are considering a Pysch Consult if she chooses to do it next year.)
We started the morning cheering her on at mile six and then again at mile nine. After mile nine we went to breakfast, joining us was my mom (Deej).
As we were eating breakfast, Deej decided to tell us this interesting story about how weird my sister is.
“When Allie was taking her sleep study courses she found out that men get erections during REM sleep. Well you know Allie only has that one bed in her studio, so when Brent comes to visit they sleep in the same bed. YOU SISTER timed when she figured Brent would go into REM and set her alarm clock for those times. Then she would take the dog out for a walk.”
~~everyone starts laughing~~
Of course because of this we all felt the need to make inappropriate REM comment. A couple minutes later we were paying the bill. Dave owed me from the night before and he offered to pay mine and Deej’s portion since they added up to last night’s total.
“Well mom, looks like Dave is going to take care of you. I guess you’ll have to put out now.”
Without missing a beat my mom responds with, “I’ll just wait until he goes into REM.”
Yep, that’s my mom!!!! If any of you are wondering where I get it……it’s from her. All of it.
This past weekend those two assholes came up for a visit, and brought Kennice’s friend Lindsey. I must say that Lindsey faired very well spending the weekend with us. However, I haven’t spoken to them since they were stuck in traffic in Paw Paw, so I am not sure if Lindsey is still speaking to anyone.
Amazingly enough we all managed to stay out of jail or the hospital, so it was a good weekend.
On Sunday we got ready to cheer Allie on during her second Chicago Marathon. (Yeah she did it again; Mom and I are considering a Pysch Consult if she chooses to do it next year.)
We started the morning cheering her on at mile six and then again at mile nine. After mile nine we went to breakfast, joining us was my mom (Deej).
As we were eating breakfast, Deej decided to tell us this interesting story about how weird my sister is.
“When Allie was taking her sleep study courses she found out that men get erections during REM sleep. Well you know Allie only has that one bed in her studio, so when Brent comes to visit they sleep in the same bed. YOU SISTER timed when she figured Brent would go into REM and set her alarm clock for those times. Then she would take the dog out for a walk.”
~~everyone starts laughing~~
Of course because of this we all felt the need to make inappropriate REM comment. A couple minutes later we were paying the bill. Dave owed me from the night before and he offered to pay mine and Deej’s portion since they added up to last night’s total.
“Well mom, looks like Dave is going to take care of you. I guess you’ll have to put out now.”
Without missing a beat my mom responds with, “I’ll just wait until he goes into REM.”
Yep, that’s my mom!!!! If any of you are wondering where I get it……it’s from her. All of it.
Wednesday, October 18, 2006
Creepy Old Men Part 2
This is what happens when you are working on something and are half paying attention to the person talking to you….
Friend #1 comes back in looking for boss man. I am trying to get this file done and emailed off prior to 3:00, so I am half listening to him talk at me.
Friend #1: “So, as a single 25 year old….what would it take to get you to go out with an attractive guy who’s almost 40??”
Me not really paying attention: “Tickets to the Bears vs. Packers game on New Years Eve.”
F: “Drinks?”
M: “Yep”
F: “Sex?”
Me making a BAD BAD BAD joke: “depends on how much I have to drink.”
~~Then it hits me what I am saying and that I am not just joking around with my friends.~~
F: “Sounds like a plan, I’ll work on those tickets.”
M: “Ummm….I was KIDDING about the sex.”
F: “Damn…to bad. What about the game.”
M: “I don’t kid about the Bears.”
F: “So if I got tickets you would go with me??”
M: “Yes, but it wouldn’t be a date. It would be me using you for Bears tickets and you being able to tell all your friends lies about what happened.”
F: “And you’re ok with that??”
M: “Look, I want tickets to that game more then anyone has any idea. If it means you telling your friends lies, fine, be pervy old dude. They probably won’t believe you anyway.”
F: “God you’re funny. Ok deal. If I can get tickets we’ll go. I promise not to lie about it to anyone you know.”
M: “Sounds like a plan. For the record, after this game I will never entertain the idea of going out with you again.”
F: “Deal.”
Ok, I would rather go with a friend, someone I actually enjoy spending time with. But we all know I’m going to be 100% focused on the game.
Should I feel dirty??? B/c I don’t. I really want those tickets.
Friend #1 comes back in looking for boss man. I am trying to get this file done and emailed off prior to 3:00, so I am half listening to him talk at me.
Friend #1: “So, as a single 25 year old….what would it take to get you to go out with an attractive guy who’s almost 40??”
Me not really paying attention: “Tickets to the Bears vs. Packers game on New Years Eve.”
F: “Drinks?”
M: “Yep”
F: “Sex?”
Me making a BAD BAD BAD joke: “depends on how much I have to drink.”
~~Then it hits me what I am saying and that I am not just joking around with my friends.~~
F: “Sounds like a plan, I’ll work on those tickets.”
M: “Ummm….I was KIDDING about the sex.”
F: “Damn…to bad. What about the game.”
M: “I don’t kid about the Bears.”
F: “So if I got tickets you would go with me??”
M: “Yes, but it wouldn’t be a date. It would be me using you for Bears tickets and you being able to tell all your friends lies about what happened.”
F: “And you’re ok with that??”
M: “Look, I want tickets to that game more then anyone has any idea. If it means you telling your friends lies, fine, be pervy old dude. They probably won’t believe you anyway.”
F: “God you’re funny. Ok deal. If I can get tickets we’ll go. I promise not to lie about it to anyone you know.”
M: “Sounds like a plan. For the record, after this game I will never entertain the idea of going out with you again.”
F: “Deal.”
Ok, I would rather go with a friend, someone I actually enjoy spending time with. But we all know I’m going to be 100% focused on the game.
Should I feel dirty??? B/c I don’t. I really want those tickets.
Tuesday, October 17, 2006
Creepy Old Men
“The first meeting of the Middle Aged Men’s’ Dating Club can now come to order.”
Ok, so that wasn’t exactly what was said in the office yesterday afternoon but it should have been.
Yesterday, my boss, his two friends and a client were having a detailed (creepy) conversation about middle aged dating. Sam*, the guy in my office, was listening from his desk and not taking part in the conversation as his wife would probably kill him.
Let’s meet the characters:
Boss: In his 50s, married with a kid but thinks he is a real life Casanova.
Friend 1: In his late thirties, attractive, never married, no children and seems to have an interesting dating life.
Friend 2: In his middle to late 40s, not chewed on but no Brad Pitt, divorced, two kids and apparently is having some trouble in his love life.
Client: In his middle to late 40’s, also not chewed and definitely not Brad Pitt, divorced, two kids and recently engaged.
So these gentlemen are sitting around my boss’s desk talking about the perils of dating and I am sitting at my desk (behind all this) trying not to listen. Unfortunately, my ears work very well and they are being loud.
The topic of the meeting apparently was why women/girls in their mid to late twenties do not want to date guys their ages.
So I am doing a pretty good job at ignoring the group when I heard this:
Friend 1: “I don’t have any problem meeting chicks. I mean I do most of it at the bars in Chicago, but I’m not really looking for anything long term.”
Friend 2: “It used to bother me, but then I realized that the reason they won’t go for it is because they’re afraid.” Snickering from the “men.” “No really! When they look at guys like us they see a nice stable guy who has potential for a real commitment.”
Client: “Good point.”
At the same time our client was giving his male support I apparently made a face along with a “yeah right” type sound.
Boss: “Dear, and I mean dear in a strictly professional manner, you’re of that age what’s you impute.”
Me: “Oh, no. I’m going to bow out of this little sharing circle.”
Client: “No really, we want your opinion. It will be first hand knowledge, straight from the source.”
Me: “No you really don’t want me to answer that question.”
This goes on for a little bit longer before I cave and give in.
“Ok, now I know you’re all really great guys…BUT….the reason that someone MY age probably won’t date someone like you has nothing to do with commitment. It has to do with the fact that you are TWENTY years older then I am AND you have kids, and not just little kids. Your kids are closer to my age then you are.”
Friend 2: “REALLY?!”
Me: “Yeah, plus the minute a guy your ages comes up to us at a bar we’re already laughing and making ‘creepy old guy’ and ‘he’s my dad’s age’ type comments.”
Client 1, laughing: “Harsh! Oh well, sorry guys.”
Me: “While we’re being honest. You’re not much better. You’re almost forty, single and hitting on women 15 years younger. Plus most of the time we date older guys b/c they’re more mature, but older is like 5 years older. Anything around 15-20 plus years older we’re dating because they have money and we’re hoping they die and leave everything to us. Anna Nicole style.”
Everyone laughed at the last comment. Sadly, I was only half joking.
The conversation shifted away from me (since I don’t think they liked what I was saying).
Sadly, soon the topic went to sex, and I was getting kind of sick.
Have you ever been around middle aged men talking about sex?? Especially sex with young women?? Their current conquest and desires??
Well, lucky you because I had to sit through it and so I decided to take action.
Me: "Do you realize this is sexual harassment?"
Friend #2 "How is this sexual harassment?"
Me: "Well, technically its b/c your making me feel threatened / uncomfortable but honestly......it's b/c I'm afraid that after hearing about your sex life I will never again be able to have one of my own without getting ill."
Yes…..I know….I’m an asshole.
Shortly thereafter the meeting was adjourned and the men dispersed with the plan to creep out young women all over Chicago, and I got back to researching what mind altering drugs would be able to erase this conversation from my memory.
Ok, so that wasn’t exactly what was said in the office yesterday afternoon but it should have been.
Yesterday, my boss, his two friends and a client were having a detailed (creepy) conversation about middle aged dating. Sam*, the guy in my office, was listening from his desk and not taking part in the conversation as his wife would probably kill him.
Let’s meet the characters:
Boss: In his 50s, married with a kid but thinks he is a real life Casanova.
Friend 1: In his late thirties, attractive, never married, no children and seems to have an interesting dating life.
Friend 2: In his middle to late 40s, not chewed on but no Brad Pitt, divorced, two kids and apparently is having some trouble in his love life.
Client: In his middle to late 40’s, also not chewed and definitely not Brad Pitt, divorced, two kids and recently engaged.
So these gentlemen are sitting around my boss’s desk talking about the perils of dating and I am sitting at my desk (behind all this) trying not to listen. Unfortunately, my ears work very well and they are being loud.
The topic of the meeting apparently was why women/girls in their mid to late twenties do not want to date guys their ages.
So I am doing a pretty good job at ignoring the group when I heard this:
Friend 1: “I don’t have any problem meeting chicks. I mean I do most of it at the bars in Chicago, but I’m not really looking for anything long term.”
Friend 2: “It used to bother me, but then I realized that the reason they won’t go for it is because they’re afraid.” Snickering from the “men.” “No really! When they look at guys like us they see a nice stable guy who has potential for a real commitment.”
Client: “Good point.”
At the same time our client was giving his male support I apparently made a face along with a “yeah right” type sound.
Boss: “Dear, and I mean dear in a strictly professional manner, you’re of that age what’s you impute.”
Me: “Oh, no. I’m going to bow out of this little sharing circle.”
Client: “No really, we want your opinion. It will be first hand knowledge, straight from the source.”
Me: “No you really don’t want me to answer that question.”
This goes on for a little bit longer before I cave and give in.
“Ok, now I know you’re all really great guys…BUT….the reason that someone MY age probably won’t date someone like you has nothing to do with commitment. It has to do with the fact that you are TWENTY years older then I am AND you have kids, and not just little kids. Your kids are closer to my age then you are.”
Friend 2: “REALLY?!”
Me: “Yeah, plus the minute a guy your ages comes up to us at a bar we’re already laughing and making ‘creepy old guy’ and ‘he’s my dad’s age’ type comments.”
Client 1, laughing: “Harsh! Oh well, sorry guys.”
Me: “While we’re being honest. You’re not much better. You’re almost forty, single and hitting on women 15 years younger. Plus most of the time we date older guys b/c they’re more mature, but older is like 5 years older. Anything around 15-20 plus years older we’re dating because they have money and we’re hoping they die and leave everything to us. Anna Nicole style.”
Everyone laughed at the last comment. Sadly, I was only half joking.
The conversation shifted away from me (since I don’t think they liked what I was saying).
Sadly, soon the topic went to sex, and I was getting kind of sick.
Have you ever been around middle aged men talking about sex?? Especially sex with young women?? Their current conquest and desires??
Well, lucky you because I had to sit through it and so I decided to take action.
Me: "Do you realize this is sexual harassment?"
Friend #2 "How is this sexual harassment?"
Me: "Well, technically its b/c your making me feel threatened / uncomfortable but honestly......it's b/c I'm afraid that after hearing about your sex life I will never again be able to have one of my own without getting ill."
Yes…..I know….I’m an asshole.
Shortly thereafter the meeting was adjourned and the men dispersed with the plan to creep out young women all over Chicago, and I got back to researching what mind altering drugs would be able to erase this conversation from my memory.
Friday, October 13, 2006
Do You Have Your Cuddle Pants???
Been a while hasn’t it??? Yeah, between work, school and studying I have little time to be witty and entertaining. Plus, I’ve actually been very busy at work and nothing to funny has happened.
However last night I hung out with Erica, which is always entertaining.
While having drinks at the Gin Mill we entertained ourselves and Paul, but mostly ourselves, with stories of our hockey days. And by hockey days I mean the nights we spent being assholes at hockey games.
Some of the fun times remembered:
One of the hockey players once referred to his sweatpants as his “cuddle pants,” Erica and I proceeded to make it our mission to refer to him as cuddle pants all the time. This included heckling him at the games. He even asked our friend WHY those two girls he hangs out with call him cuddle pants….
One guy on the team had a dad who worked as a recruiter for the Carolina Hurricanes. Coincidently, said player AND about half the team were drafted by the Hurricanes.
Hockey hair, mullets, were all the rage halfway through the year.
Erica and I took this information and made a cheer. Unfortunately, you will not know the tune of the cheer but here are the lyrics. I would say the first part and she would give an answer or repeat. Erica’s parts are done in italics.
“Are those not your CUDDLE PANTS??”
“YES THESE ARE MY CUDDLE PANTS!!!!”
“Whose Dad works for Carolina?”
“TROY’S DAD WORK FOR CAROLINA!!!”
“Do you eat your vegetables??”
“YES I EAT MY VEGETABLES!!!”
BROCCOLI!!
BROCCOLI!!
NEPOTISM!!!
NEPOTISM!!!
CUDDLEPANTS!!
CUDDLEPANTS!!!
Brad Fast……get a haircut!! (snap fingers) (said by all)
Yeah, it doesn’t seem that funny on paper, but when its live its so much better. Or at least we think its funny, and Paul laughed. (Well….he had been drinking)
We also reminisced about showing up to the MSU vs U of M hockey game completely wasted and almost getting thrown out of the Slap Shots. They wrote a strongly worded letter to us the next day.
~~~~ Look, I’m shaking I’m so scared.~~~
Look, its hockey. Grow a pair cupcake. As I remember I told the girl in charge (who was a bitch and hated us. Probably b/c we were always leading the fun cheers and she was a acne prone bitch who no one liked.) “Listen….its hockey. There’s mean things said and swearing. Grow a pair and cheer like a real fan…or shut the fuck up and go watch golf.”
Then there was the time we went to College Night at the Joe to see MSU play scum and the guy behind us was yelling nasty things about our school and us, at one point and time he called us “bitches” and “sluts.”
Finally I turn around to him and was like “HEY MULLET!! Yeah you! Listen, don’t insult my education because we all know that the bigger the mouth on the u of m fan, the less likely they were to have gone there.”
He starts to defend himself.
“Well, did you? No? Yeah didn’t think so. Now stop calling us bitches before I tell security you’re harassing innocent young women and they send your ass home to the trailer.”
We relived these and other memories as we were playing our own version of hockey at the Mill; which was just Erica and I flicking ice cubes at each other to “score” while Paul drank more and probably hoped the insanity wasn’t contagious.
However last night I hung out with Erica, which is always entertaining.
While having drinks at the Gin Mill we entertained ourselves and Paul, but mostly ourselves, with stories of our hockey days. And by hockey days I mean the nights we spent being assholes at hockey games.
Some of the fun times remembered:
One of the hockey players once referred to his sweatpants as his “cuddle pants,” Erica and I proceeded to make it our mission to refer to him as cuddle pants all the time. This included heckling him at the games. He even asked our friend WHY those two girls he hangs out with call him cuddle pants….
One guy on the team had a dad who worked as a recruiter for the Carolina Hurricanes. Coincidently, said player AND about half the team were drafted by the Hurricanes.
Hockey hair, mullets, were all the rage halfway through the year.
Erica and I took this information and made a cheer. Unfortunately, you will not know the tune of the cheer but here are the lyrics. I would say the first part and she would give an answer or repeat. Erica’s parts are done in italics.
“Are those not your CUDDLE PANTS??”
“YES THESE ARE MY CUDDLE PANTS!!!!”
“Whose Dad works for Carolina?”
“TROY’S DAD WORK FOR CAROLINA!!!”
“Do you eat your vegetables??”
“YES I EAT MY VEGETABLES!!!”
BROCCOLI!!
BROCCOLI!!
NEPOTISM!!!
NEPOTISM!!!
CUDDLEPANTS!!
CUDDLEPANTS!!!
Brad Fast……get a haircut!! (snap fingers) (said by all)
Yeah, it doesn’t seem that funny on paper, but when its live its so much better. Or at least we think its funny, and Paul laughed. (Well….he had been drinking)
We also reminisced about showing up to the MSU vs U of M hockey game completely wasted and almost getting thrown out of the Slap Shots. They wrote a strongly worded letter to us the next day.
~~~~ Look, I’m shaking I’m so scared.~~~
Look, its hockey. Grow a pair cupcake. As I remember I told the girl in charge (who was a bitch and hated us. Probably b/c we were always leading the fun cheers and she was a acne prone bitch who no one liked.) “Listen….its hockey. There’s mean things said and swearing. Grow a pair and cheer like a real fan…or shut the fuck up and go watch golf.”
Then there was the time we went to College Night at the Joe to see MSU play scum and the guy behind us was yelling nasty things about our school and us, at one point and time he called us “bitches” and “sluts.”
Finally I turn around to him and was like “HEY MULLET!! Yeah you! Listen, don’t insult my education because we all know that the bigger the mouth on the u of m fan, the less likely they were to have gone there.”
He starts to defend himself.
“Well, did you? No? Yeah didn’t think so. Now stop calling us bitches before I tell security you’re harassing innocent young women and they send your ass home to the trailer.”
We relived these and other memories as we were playing our own version of hockey at the Mill; which was just Erica and I flicking ice cubes at each other to “score” while Paul drank more and probably hoped the insanity wasn’t contagious.
Thursday, September 07, 2006
Since lack of sleep and recent events have left me lacking the ability to be funny on my own, I will now grace you with some more Craig’s List personal adds…..
One Last Kiss~27
I'm marrying my high school sweetheart in October, and consider myself extremely fortunate to be doing so. But we've never been with anyone else at all, romantically speaking, which makes us both feel like losers. So we've given each other permission to kiss one person, one time, before the blessed day, so we can at least say we ventured outside the fold briefly. We're just not telling each other the details, although i'm sure it will come out one day. The only rule is that it's just a kiss, nothing further, and a sweet one at that. So if you'd consider being the last kiss for a cute, soon-to-be happily married guy and occupy a special place in his memory, please send me a note about yourself and photo and I hope to hear from you soon.
This add should really be called: Will be Getting Divorced in 6 Months When I Find Her in Bed With Another Woman.
Your Household Chores Done *Free!* (ok, small catch) - 28
Cute, fit, funny and handy guy will do any household chore in exchange for a good handjob. That's it, nothing further asked. I'm always a gentleman, your discretion is assured. Need that track lighting installed? Oven cleaned? Tile replaced? Cabinet mounted? Hard drive backed up? Driveway paved? All done until completion, and with a smile, as long as you do the same. Serious inquiries only and thanks!
Is this like prostitution??? Or is this what the people in government had in mind when they drafted all that Free Trade stuff??
However, I wonder if he is related to this guy…………..
I'll Fix Your Computer if You Let Me Feel Your Boobs – 27
Cute IT guy/PC specialist will fix your computer in exchange for a quick feel of your boobs. I'm a totally non-creepy professional who will repair your hard drive, back up files, install software and peripherals, whatever, for an innocent grope. I have a lot of tech knowledge in my life and regrettably no boobs. Serious inquiries only and thanks.
“I’m totally non-creepy…” WHAT?? You are posting an add on Craig’s List seeing if anyone out there will let you feel their boobs!
Imagine that. I can’t imagine letting the IT guy in my office feel me up when he was done fixing the hard drive on the computer. By the end of it both hard drives would be up and working. Oh Jesus, I just made myself sick………
Free Victoria's Secret Shopping Spree with Cute Guy! - 27
hi -- i'm a cute, funny, shockingly normal guy who has always had a fantasy about spontaneously taking a fun, easygoing girl to victoria's secret to buy her cool underwear, no strings attached. so for one time only i'm looking for someone who fits the bill, who'd like to go shopping for some cute new stuff, i'd say the budget is around $300 for the right person. nothing creepy, nothing else suggested. if we agree to go for it we meet someplace in public (mostly so you can make sure i'm not a total weirdo), then go to VS for a day of shopping, then we go our separate ways. you get a bag full of cute new undies and i get a big smile on my face. the proverbial win-win situation. drop me a line if you'd like to be the one and thanks.
Is 27-ish the new age for turning into a creepy pervert? Because so far it appears that way. So basically, this guy will take you shopping at VS as long as he can sit in the dressing room with you with his hands down his pants?? How isn’t this creepy?? This add makes me feel dirty….i need to go home and shower now. Ick. Ick. Ick.
Here Kitty Kitty Kitty :) - 33
Hello there ladies. I am 33 year old white professional male who is discreet, courteous and respectful. I live on the North Side of Chicago. I have to admit that I just LOVE to lick the kitty and make a woman feel fantastic. If you are sexy, and need your tasty p***y licked and s****d, email me back or fine me on Yahoo IM (screen name mstr_hoo). Talk to you soon.
Maybe I should have taken his screen name off, but he posted it on GRAIG’S LIST!!!!!!!!! Wow. I wonder if he’s like the other “kitty” guy. Where do these people come from? I guess this is better then the guy who wants to watch you try on panites or Mr. IT feel you up! This is kind of like Mr. Hand Job, but us ladies get all the sexual healing. He’s very blunt, and honestly kind of scary.
massage and stroke – 36
looking for find a fun and sexy female that justs wants to chill, smoke a little weed and than get a killer massage. i'm v cute, fit, athletic build, tall and fun.
Is it after all the weed that we’re going to have the stroke or during??? Ok, I know I am not one to point fun at spelling errors or hitting the wrong key, but the “R” is nowhere near the “M.” What am I saying, this guy was probably high when he typed this, we’re lucky he didn’t go off on a tangent about the memorable 3 a.m. Taco Bell date he’d take the lucky lady on.
By the way, you’re on Craig’s List trying to get a date b/c you’re almost 40 and still smoking weed like a 21 year old frat boy.
Office Job-- temporary - $$$ - 39
Temp office position open, about 2-3 days work, great to earn some extra spending $$$. You should be available to work right away. Standard office attire is tank top (no bra) and shorts or mini, sandals. Would help if you're cute, fun, flirty.
Would also help if you don’t pay any attention to those pesky sexual harassment laws or have any self respect.
~~~aaahhhh…..more to come…….
I’m honestly considering writing one up (FAKE) and seeing if I get any responses!!
One Last Kiss~27
I'm marrying my high school sweetheart in October, and consider myself extremely fortunate to be doing so. But we've never been with anyone else at all, romantically speaking, which makes us both feel like losers. So we've given each other permission to kiss one person, one time, before the blessed day, so we can at least say we ventured outside the fold briefly. We're just not telling each other the details, although i'm sure it will come out one day. The only rule is that it's just a kiss, nothing further, and a sweet one at that. So if you'd consider being the last kiss for a cute, soon-to-be happily married guy and occupy a special place in his memory, please send me a note about yourself and photo and I hope to hear from you soon.
This add should really be called: Will be Getting Divorced in 6 Months When I Find Her in Bed With Another Woman.
Your Household Chores Done *Free!* (ok, small catch) - 28
Cute, fit, funny and handy guy will do any household chore in exchange for a good handjob. That's it, nothing further asked. I'm always a gentleman, your discretion is assured. Need that track lighting installed? Oven cleaned? Tile replaced? Cabinet mounted? Hard drive backed up? Driveway paved? All done until completion, and with a smile, as long as you do the same. Serious inquiries only and thanks!
Is this like prostitution??? Or is this what the people in government had in mind when they drafted all that Free Trade stuff??
However, I wonder if he is related to this guy…………..
I'll Fix Your Computer if You Let Me Feel Your Boobs – 27
Cute IT guy/PC specialist will fix your computer in exchange for a quick feel of your boobs. I'm a totally non-creepy professional who will repair your hard drive, back up files, install software and peripherals, whatever, for an innocent grope. I have a lot of tech knowledge in my life and regrettably no boobs. Serious inquiries only and thanks.
“I’m totally non-creepy…” WHAT?? You are posting an add on Craig’s List seeing if anyone out there will let you feel their boobs!
Imagine that. I can’t imagine letting the IT guy in my office feel me up when he was done fixing the hard drive on the computer. By the end of it both hard drives would be up and working. Oh Jesus, I just made myself sick………
Free Victoria's Secret Shopping Spree with Cute Guy! - 27
hi -- i'm a cute, funny, shockingly normal guy who has always had a fantasy about spontaneously taking a fun, easygoing girl to victoria's secret to buy her cool underwear, no strings attached. so for one time only i'm looking for someone who fits the bill, who'd like to go shopping for some cute new stuff, i'd say the budget is around $300 for the right person. nothing creepy, nothing else suggested. if we agree to go for it we meet someplace in public (mostly so you can make sure i'm not a total weirdo), then go to VS for a day of shopping, then we go our separate ways. you get a bag full of cute new undies and i get a big smile on my face. the proverbial win-win situation. drop me a line if you'd like to be the one and thanks.
Is 27-ish the new age for turning into a creepy pervert? Because so far it appears that way. So basically, this guy will take you shopping at VS as long as he can sit in the dressing room with you with his hands down his pants?? How isn’t this creepy?? This add makes me feel dirty….i need to go home and shower now. Ick. Ick. Ick.
Here Kitty Kitty Kitty :) - 33
Hello there ladies. I am 33 year old white professional male who is discreet, courteous and respectful. I live on the North Side of Chicago. I have to admit that I just LOVE to lick the kitty and make a woman feel fantastic. If you are sexy, and need your tasty p***y licked and s****d, email me back or fine me on Yahoo IM (screen name mstr_hoo). Talk to you soon.
Maybe I should have taken his screen name off, but he posted it on GRAIG’S LIST!!!!!!!!! Wow. I wonder if he’s like the other “kitty” guy. Where do these people come from? I guess this is better then the guy who wants to watch you try on panites or Mr. IT feel you up! This is kind of like Mr. Hand Job, but us ladies get all the sexual healing. He’s very blunt, and honestly kind of scary.
massage and stroke – 36
looking for find a fun and sexy female that justs wants to chill, smoke a little weed and than get a killer massage. i'm v cute, fit, athletic build, tall and fun.
Is it after all the weed that we’re going to have the stroke or during??? Ok, I know I am not one to point fun at spelling errors or hitting the wrong key, but the “R” is nowhere near the “M.” What am I saying, this guy was probably high when he typed this, we’re lucky he didn’t go off on a tangent about the memorable 3 a.m. Taco Bell date he’d take the lucky lady on.
By the way, you’re on Craig’s List trying to get a date b/c you’re almost 40 and still smoking weed like a 21 year old frat boy.
Office Job-- temporary - $$$ - 39
Temp office position open, about 2-3 days work, great to earn some extra spending $$$. You should be available to work right away. Standard office attire is tank top (no bra) and shorts or mini, sandals. Would help if you're cute, fun, flirty.
Would also help if you don’t pay any attention to those pesky sexual harassment laws or have any self respect.
~~~aaahhhh…..more to come…….
I’m honestly considering writing one up (FAKE) and seeing if I get any responses!!
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