An Adult Letter to Santa

Dear Santa,

Remember me? I thought you would. I know it’s been a while, but I have decided to try my hand at you again. Don’t worry; I’ve gotten over the fact that when I was three and wanted a puppy you gave me some ugly ass sweater. I can even forgive you for that whole divorce thing when I was five even though I asked for a pony.

However, this year is really important. These are things I NEED to be accepted by the cool kids and make it so I can have some joy in my sad little life.

1) BEARS vs Packers Ticket!!! COME ON!!! WHO DO I HAVE TO SLEEP WITH TO GET THESE THINGS!!!!!!!!! I have asked a million people, and you’re my last hope. It would mean a lot AND make up for the fact my birthday is going to inevitably suck.

2) A Pink iPod. I am the only one at the gym who still uses a diskman. I can see all the other girls and boys looking at me and snickering. “Hey Cassy, check out the LOOOOOOOSER with no iPod.” “Oh. My. God. Greta!! I can not believe they let her join the ultra cool LPAC!!! Come on, let’s go purge.” If I want Cassy and Greta to be my friends I need a THUPER cute iPod that will strap to my arm while I run too fast on the treadmill!!

3) Tall men. No really, is there something wrong with the water in Chicago? Is there a reason that all the straight single guys out there are so little? OK maybe it’s me, I’m spoiled. But the shortest guy I ever dated was 5’11. I like big mudgy trees apparently. I have yet to meet a single, straight, tall and mudgy boy in this city….and it makes me sad. As of now, it’s looking like I am going to have to import someone from out of state or country!! (Canada possibly????)

Ok, it’s kind of sad that I can really only come up with three things. I mean I started this stupid list days ago, but wanted more funny and witty present. However, apparently alls I want for Christmas are football, pink stuff and sex.

Even sadder is that I would forgo the latter two for the football.

Are you listening Santa??? Or has all the fat gone to your ears. Look, I realize that Christmas is more then just gifts, but you’re the one who turned December 25th into a materialistic whorehouse. So let those whore’s lose on me!!!!!!!

Wait, I don’t think that came out right……..

Love,
Joanie

P.S.: Still waiting on that pony.