Herpies Pop Their Collars

Roommate and I once convinced two guys at a bar that we were dolphin trainers, for no particular reason except we were intoxicated and like fucking with people. This is how the conversation went down:

Roommate walks up to me and goes “we’re dolphin trainers.”

Me: “um ok.” I walk over to the table

Guy #1: “So what do you do?”

Me: “I’m a dolphin trainer.”

Guy #2: “where do you work?”

Me: ::roommate didn’t tell me where. “The Brookfield Zoo.” (apparently roommate said the same place.....drunk assholes think alike.)

G#1: “So what do you say to the dolphins to get them to do tricks?”

Me: giving him the ‘you should know this look.’: “We don’t TALK to the dolphins. We use whistles for commands. Like when you want them to jump around the tank you go ‘doooo doo’ (whistle sound), and when you want them to go backwards on their tails its ‘doo doooooooooooooo do do.”

Roommate: “I can’t believe you’re doing out calls at the bar!”

G#2: “Ok, where do you keep the dolphins in the winter?”

Me: again giving the you’re an idiot look. “Same place you keep them in the summer, in the INDOOR TANK.”

G#1: “What do you feed them?”

Roommate: “FISH! Now, this is enough…we do NOT have to justify our careers to you two.”

Doing these things to guys at bars is fun. I mean, most of the time you’re not interested in them and it doesn’t matter what you tell them. That is until you get caught.

Now when I’m drunk I enjoy telling people my name is Zoey and I give out the phone number to Empire Carpets (and I ONLY did that in Michigan.) Its easier then telling them that they have a better chance at seeing Paris Hilton win a Nobel Peace Prize and an Oscar in the same year.

So one night I am out with Kayla and some of her friends when we are approached by some fratties with their popped collars. There were about six of us girls, and since four of them made it very clear they were either engaged or lesbians…..the fratties focused their attention on Kayla and myself. After about an hour of free drinks Pink Popped Fratty (PPF) asked for my number and so I give it to him.

Me: “Its 773-588-2300.”
PPF: writes it down and then goes “Um, I’m from Chicago to. So unless you live with the Empire Carpet man….I’ll take the hint.”

OK not to bad….then 3 days later we’re at a Red Wings game when Brett’s cousin shows up with PPF!!!

He sees me and says something to Josh. To which Josh reply’s,”yeah that's Joanie….she’s an asshole!” (Winks at me….he meant it out of love.)

PPF: “Joanie?? Wait so your name is Joanie? B/c before she gave me the carpet number she told me her name was Zoey and that her dad named her after a Moroccan Princess he used to work for.”

Kayla: about to pee her pants. “MOROCCAN PRINCESS? No she was named after her grandmother. God, are you gullible.”

Me: “Yeah sorry. I probably would have given you a chance had you not walked into the bar with a PINK popped collar, immediately ordered a red bull and vodka, and said to me ‘ Like the shirt….it can be on your floor tomorrow morning.’”

Moral of the story? If you meet me in the bar and I have been drinking….their is a 40% chance I’m going to lie to you. If you’re a guy in a pink shirt and popped collar and/or drink red bull and vodka and/or use stupid pick up lines…..that chance increases to 98%.

Basically it’s a Lie to STD ration. The bigger my chances of getting an STD are from you…..the Bigger the lies and ditch outs are going to be.