Joanie.....you are NOT the father.

The thing I love most about my friends is that they too have CRAZY relatives. In Dave’s case it’s his mother, Jan. Now she is about as sweet as a pixie stick, but not completely there.

Well last night Dave called to inform me that his mother figured out what has been ailing him. Dave has been pretty sick. (Probably with a cold, you know how men get when they are sick) Jan has decided he has Scarlet Fever, b/c “it has been going around.” Scarlet fever???

We laughed about it for a bit. Dave made a joke about being Nicole Kidman in Moulin Rouge. Said he couldn’t have scarlet fever b/c he’s not singing “Come What May” on a swing suspended form the ceiling.

Um, Dave, she had Tuberculosis, but it was a funny comment anyway. (Moron. SOMEONE doesn’t want E.R.)

As funny as Dr. Jan’s diagnosis was, it can’t touch what happened to Chad.

Back in my freshman year of college a terrible winter hit and as you would expect we all got sick. Chad seemed to get it the worse (or whine the most about it) so we took him to Olin Health Care Center (on campus medical place.) They did a strep test, took blood and a urine sample.

The next day when Chad called into the center for his test results he was told that his strep test was negative (only had a minor throat infection), blood test normal (no mano), and he was Preggers.

Chad gets off the phone and goes, “Well, I am going to be ok, but she just told me I was pregnant. So J, looks like even though we haven’t slept together I guess your such a good kisser u can knock guys up.”

Yes, apparently I am that good.

So, I did what any expected father would do. I grabbed Kayla (her car and Brett’s Credit Card) and went to Meijer. There we bought everything needed for a baby shower.

When the guys came into Kayla’s room that night for Pizza and dirty movie night (a whole nother story…) they were greeted with an “It’s a BOY” banner hanging over the window, a cake with a stork on it, bottles filled with rum and coke, and other little baby shower party favors.

Apparently, Tom and Matt had the same idea b/c they showed up with presents. The presents included: a breast pump, maternity pants and a “they shake me” baby t-shirt.

We also discussed baby names. Since we both agreed that the baby would not be called Charles John McCaffery IV, we came up with some more original ones. I was partial to Long Island or Yager bomb since that’s what we were drinking in the night the little one was conceived. Chad, however, favored Yzerman (for Stevie Y…Chad’s Hero.) We then decided on a C-Section as Chad is one to bitch and moan about a little sore throat….he would die during natural childbirth. (The guys all freaked out when I mentioned Dilating)

In the midst of out little party and all the plans we were making for our future Chad got a call from a doctor at Olin saying someone mixed up the test results and he was not preggers after all.

WEEELLLL, let me tell you what a relief that was to me. I mean I was in NO WAY ready to be a daddy. I mean I would have to get a real job, go on 3 am pickle and peanut butter runs AND deal with mood swings. Honestly, at 18 I just wasn’t ready for that shit.

However, I did wonder what it would have been like to be a dad. I would have made such a great dad. Plus, we could have TOTALLY gone on Maury’s “Baby Mama Drama” Show.

Chris got this autograph when his buddies and him went to the show a while ago. Check out the smile, Maury seems like the type to pick the name Yager Bomb for the kid.