Papa Don’t Preach

My father is under the impression that I am 3 years old, retarded and pure as the driven snow.

All of the above are three things that I am not. First of all I about abut to turn 25 years old, I am very smart (books and street) AND while I am not a slut…..I am no angel.

I tired explaining to my cousin Tiffany this very thing last Thursday. She didn’t really believe me. I told her how my father is constantly lecturing me about boys and sex. ALL. THE. TIME.

When I dated Chris my father was constantly telling me he was only dating me b/c I was four years younger and he wanted to get in my pants. Geeee THANKS DAD!!!!!!! Maybe it was b/c I am a pretty amazing person.

When I was dating a guy who went to a different college my junior year my dad asked me once where we sleep when I visit. “I sleep in bed and he sleeps on the couch.”

OK so I lied, but it spared me getting the sex lecture 1000 times. My mom was there when I said this. She rolled her eyes and tried to hold back the insane laughter.

Lately is has been getting a lot worse. Anytime a boy or alcohol is mentioned he gives me the TALK.

Point in case, I made mistake of telling my father I can do an Irish Car Bomb in 3 seconds (impressed aren’t you?). I said how my friend Paul is on a mission to beat me, but so far I keep kicking my ass.

My father’s response: “He only keeps buying you those shots because he wants to get you drunk and get you in bed.”

…………………… come on.

Or, he hears me telling my cousin about meeting this guy at the bar and how be bought me drinks.

Dad: “He expected SEEEEEEEEX! Don’t take drinks from people like that.”

I could go on and on and on. However, the final straw came last night. My dad called and asked how Nicole’s wedding went. So I told him how she was beautiful and it was so much fun. How we went out afterwards and then her cousin walked me home.

Brace yourself for what is about to come. Please, and remember I have to deal with this ALL THE TIME.

“Joanie, how many times do I have to tell you that those guys are just trying to get in your pants? Don’t drink around them. Those boys at the wedding were just getting you drinks so you would sleep with them.”

“DAD!!!!!! One of those guys was my friend’s boyfriend. He got in her pants later; I don’t think he was interested in mine. One of those guys I knew for years and he knows he has no chance in hell b/c I have told him that. Moreover, I am not retarded nor am I have years old. Had any of them tried anything I would have stopped it. However, for the record, if I want to do something I will do it!!”

My father hung up on me.

Ok, I don’t expect him to be all: “hey killer, get another notch on your belt? Har har har.” “Did you give that one a good ride? Wink wink” I am not his son, but in the same respect I am not some child troll that has been living under the bed for 25 years and has no idea about these sort of things.

On my way to work this morning my dad called. He said he was disappointed in me for thinking that way, and then launched in on the “when a man penetrates your who who, he penetrated your heart” leacture.

My “who who” where the hell did he get that?

The he reminded me that oral sex is still sex, that Jesus loves me and making out leads to dangerous things.

I almost drove into the back of the truck in front of me.

My father has very little to worry about. In the past three or four years I can count on one hand the number of guys who have interested me enough to put the “who who” on red alert.