The shocks on my car sound like they need to be oiled. Do you oil shocks? Well, anyway, if they need to be fixed I guess I am heading back up to St. Joe.
My dad’s friend owns a body shop and I always take my car there to be fixed. Now one may ask, “Is it worth the drive, time off work and gas money?” Simple answer, YES!
There are many reasons why I enjoy making the trip.
1. My grandparents are there and I get to spend time with them
2. My car gets fixed for next to nothing (compared to what it would cost)
3. My dad and Nonie are AMAZING cooks and I get to eat something that isn’t a turkey burger or a Lean Cuisine.
4. No matter what I look like Les tells me I’m pretty.
Now the last one is the best reason. KIDDING!!!! It’s the second best reason. Seeing my family is the best. However, hearing how pretty you are, no matter what you look like, is always an added bonus.
One time I went in and was working on 3 hours sleep and a strict diet of beer. We’re talking by the grace of god I was sober when I woke up. The bloodshot puffy eyes that were hiding under the giant sunglasses were almost as cool as the hickey’s I apparently received during my 3 hour drunk make out session with Chris.
SIDE NOTE: WHAT!!! Are we still in high school!!! What self respecting 22 year old marks up his poor girlfriend like that?? Apparently those messed up Canadians.
I am sitting in the office (clean and showed but hung over) and trying to keep my hair covering the giant purple mark on the right (ear area) side of my neck while I do some of the paperwork. Les comes back and says: “You get prettier every time I see you.”
Me: “Les, you’re such a good liar.”
Les: “No, I mean that. Sorry if its to bright in here, I can put the shade down.”
Me: “No, its ok. I like my sunglasses.”
~As I sit there Jody, Les’s son who’s my age, walks in.
Les: “Jo, doesn’t Joanie get prettier every time we see her.”
Jody: “yeah dad, but right now she looks pretty hung over.”
~THANKS ASSHOLE!!!
Me: “Gee golly Jo…you’re MUCH too kind.”
~Les walks out to get something leave me and funny man alone
Jody: “I could have mentioned the dark hickey on your neck. YOU apparently had fun last night.
Me: “I don’t know what you’re talking about. I have a cold, hence the eyes, and I got hit in the neck with a ball. It’s a bruise.
~we both laughed at that one.
Jody: “You better be nice to me. Or I’ll tell my dad and Neil about how their little princess is letting some guy feel her up.”
Me: “You better shut your fucker. Or I’ll tell your brother about the time we all went camping and YOU watched him mess around with Sarah in the camper when our parents were at the bar. My dad will be disappointed; your brother will kick your ass. I win.”
That shut him up! I think the best thing about knowing someone for almost your whole life is the ability to blackmail them.
Friday, March 31, 2006
Wednesday, March 29, 2006
Joanie.....you are NOT the father.
The thing I love most about my friends is that they too have CRAZY relatives. In Dave’s case it’s his mother, Jan. Now she is about as sweet as a pixie stick, but not completely there.
Well last night Dave called to inform me that his mother figured out what has been ailing him. Dave has been pretty sick. (Probably with a cold, you know how men get when they are sick) Jan has decided he has Scarlet Fever, b/c “it has been going around.” Scarlet fever???
We laughed about it for a bit. Dave made a joke about being Nicole Kidman in Moulin Rouge. Said he couldn’t have scarlet fever b/c he’s not singing “Come What May” on a swing suspended form the ceiling.
Um, Dave, she had Tuberculosis, but it was a funny comment anyway. (Moron. SOMEONE doesn’t want E.R.)
As funny as Dr. Jan’s diagnosis was, it can’t touch what happened to Chad.
Back in my freshman year of college a terrible winter hit and as you would expect we all got sick. Chad seemed to get it the worse (or whine the most about it) so we took him to Olin Health Care Center (on campus medical place.) They did a strep test, took blood and a urine sample.
The next day when Chad called into the center for his test results he was told that his strep test was negative (only had a minor throat infection), blood test normal (no mano), and he was Preggers.
Chad gets off the phone and goes, “Well, I am going to be ok, but she just told me I was pregnant. So J, looks like even though we haven’t slept together I guess your such a good kisser u can knock guys up.”
Yes, apparently I am that good.
So, I did what any expected father would do. I grabbed Kayla (her car and Brett’s Credit Card) and went to Meijer. There we bought everything needed for a baby shower.
When the guys came into Kayla’s room that night for Pizza and dirty movie night (a whole nother story…) they were greeted with an “It’s a BOY” banner hanging over the window, a cake with a stork on it, bottles filled with rum and coke, and other little baby shower party favors.
Apparently, Tom and Matt had the same idea b/c they showed up with presents. The presents included: a breast pump, maternity pants and a “they shake me” baby t-shirt.
We also discussed baby names. Since we both agreed that the baby would not be called Charles John McCaffery IV, we came up with some more original ones. I was partial to Long Island or Yager bomb since that’s what we were drinking in the night the little one was conceived. Chad, however, favored Yzerman (for Stevie Y…Chad’s Hero.) We then decided on a C-Section as Chad is one to bitch and moan about a little sore throat….he would die during natural childbirth. (The guys all freaked out when I mentioned Dilating)
In the midst of out little party and all the plans we were making for our future Chad got a call from a doctor at Olin saying someone mixed up the test results and he was not preggers after all.
WEEELLLL, let me tell you what a relief that was to me. I mean I was in NO WAY ready to be a daddy. I mean I would have to get a real job, go on 3 am pickle and peanut butter runs AND deal with mood swings. Honestly, at 18 I just wasn’t ready for that shit.
However, I did wonder what it would have been like to be a dad. I would have made such a great dad. Plus, we could have TOTALLY gone on Maury’s “Baby Mama Drama” Show.
Chris got this autograph when his buddies and him went to the show a while ago. Check out the smile, Maury seems like the type to pick the name Yager Bomb for the kid.
Well last night Dave called to inform me that his mother figured out what has been ailing him. Dave has been pretty sick. (Probably with a cold, you know how men get when they are sick) Jan has decided he has Scarlet Fever, b/c “it has been going around.” Scarlet fever???
We laughed about it for a bit. Dave made a joke about being Nicole Kidman in Moulin Rouge. Said he couldn’t have scarlet fever b/c he’s not singing “Come What May” on a swing suspended form the ceiling.
Um, Dave, she had Tuberculosis, but it was a funny comment anyway. (Moron. SOMEONE doesn’t want E.R.)
As funny as Dr. Jan’s diagnosis was, it can’t touch what happened to Chad.
Back in my freshman year of college a terrible winter hit and as you would expect we all got sick. Chad seemed to get it the worse (or whine the most about it) so we took him to Olin Health Care Center (on campus medical place.) They did a strep test, took blood and a urine sample.
The next day when Chad called into the center for his test results he was told that his strep test was negative (only had a minor throat infection), blood test normal (no mano), and he was Preggers.
Chad gets off the phone and goes, “Well, I am going to be ok, but she just told me I was pregnant. So J, looks like even though we haven’t slept together I guess your such a good kisser u can knock guys up.”
Yes, apparently I am that good.
So, I did what any expected father would do. I grabbed Kayla (her car and Brett’s Credit Card) and went to Meijer. There we bought everything needed for a baby shower.
When the guys came into Kayla’s room that night for Pizza and dirty movie night (a whole nother story…) they were greeted with an “It’s a BOY” banner hanging over the window, a cake with a stork on it, bottles filled with rum and coke, and other little baby shower party favors.
Apparently, Tom and Matt had the same idea b/c they showed up with presents. The presents included: a breast pump, maternity pants and a “they shake me” baby t-shirt.
We also discussed baby names. Since we both agreed that the baby would not be called Charles John McCaffery IV, we came up with some more original ones. I was partial to Long Island or Yager bomb since that’s what we were drinking in the night the little one was conceived. Chad, however, favored Yzerman (for Stevie Y…Chad’s Hero.) We then decided on a C-Section as Chad is one to bitch and moan about a little sore throat….he would die during natural childbirth. (The guys all freaked out when I mentioned Dilating)
In the midst of out little party and all the plans we were making for our future Chad got a call from a doctor at Olin saying someone mixed up the test results and he was not preggers after all.
WEEELLLL, let me tell you what a relief that was to me. I mean I was in NO WAY ready to be a daddy. I mean I would have to get a real job, go on 3 am pickle and peanut butter runs AND deal with mood swings. Honestly, at 18 I just wasn’t ready for that shit.
However, I did wonder what it would have been like to be a dad. I would have made such a great dad. Plus, we could have TOTALLY gone on Maury’s “Baby Mama Drama” Show.
Chris got this autograph when his buddies and him went to the show a while ago. Check out the smile, Maury seems like the type to pick the name Yager Bomb for the kid.
Tuesday, March 28, 2006
Don't Cry, You Look Like a Sissy
I don’t like it when men cry. I just don’t. I don’t handle it well. Remember Tom Hanks in “A League of Their Own”?
Jimmy Dugan: Are you crying? Are you crying? ARE YOU CRYING? There's no crying, there's no crying in baseball. Rogers Hornsby was my manager, and he called me a talking pile of pigshit. And that was when my parents drove all the way down from Michigan to see me play the game. And did I cry? NO. NO. And do you know why?
Evelyn Gardner: No, no, no.
Jimmy Dugan: Because there's no crying in baseball.
That’s how I feel about men crying. Now there are times in everyone’s life when crying is acceptable. A loved one dies or is dieing, babies are born (more tears of joy), you lose someone very close to you, etc.
But in most cases it’s not ok. Pull down your pants and take a look. Those are balls. Act like they are more then just decoration and STOP CRYING! You don’t need to cry b/c I ma 5 minutes later, cry b/c you can’t get your way, cry b/c they cancelled your favorite T.V. show. What are you 2?
I am a girl and I don’t even cry that much. Ok I get emotion during some movies and get a little misty, but I also have ovaries and over active hormones. It’s normal.
One of my Ex’s (shall remain nameless) liked to cry. Well, maybe he didn’t like it but he sure the hell did it enough. We would get into a fight and next thing I knew he was CRYING!!! One of our last fights ended like this:
“WHAT ARE YOU CRYING FOR?!”
“Well, I just don’t think you understand what’s going on”
“um, you’re crying. What don’t I understand?”
“No I meant about everything else.”
“So your natural response is to CRY? Maybe that works with Slutty McSpreads her legs, but not with me. Now, not only do I want to dump you but I want to hit you really hard.”
I mean he CRIED ALL THE TIME! We probably had about 3 or 4 big fights over 8 months and each time he started the damn crying. I was in shock! Each time I just stared with my mouth open, amazed that this guy was crying. CRYING!!
I heard he was getting married. I was thinking about sending him a wedding gift. A years supply of Kleenex and some Visine. The only thing he’s going to need more then that is a paternity test from Maury Povich. (but that’s a whooooole nother story!)
Now I am sure you are asking yourself what I think is an acceptable time to for men to cry, well here they are: (Leaving out the ones listed above. These may be added to in the future)
The 1980 Olympic Hockey Team: A bunch of kids just beat the USSR and went on to win the gold. We’ve all seen the movie, we all know the story. For them to cry, the fans to cry and the rest of us to get all misty watching the movie is understandable. ~~ Men go ahead and cry (but unless you were one of the players, don’t bawl)
Brian’s Song: Saddest made for TV movie EVER!!! And I am NOT talking about the remake from 5 years ago, I am talking about the original with James Caan and Billy Dee Williams. I’ve seen the toughest men get all misty when Brian Piccalo dies. (I cry from the minute he gets cancer until his death.) I mean even the summary is sad: “Based on the real-life relationship between teammates Brian Piccolo and Gale Sayers and the bond established when Piccolo discovers that he is dying.”
You are an athlete and you just won a National Title / Championship: You’re happy, it’s over and you are the world Champions. Nothing, not even sex, is greater then this moment. For one year you are the BEST. Go ahead an shed a few….you deserve it!
You are an athlete and you just lost a big game: Ok sure every game is important, but I am talking NBA finals, MARCH MADNESS, Super Bowl Important. You’re a team that was supposed to go all the way or at least not loose the first game. Your emotions are high and your feeling pretty low. Just ask J.J. Reddick or Adam Morrison. They were supposed to be the NCAA “IT” boys who would lead their teams all the way…..they are home right now, eating cheetos. It sucks. So shed a few, but try to be a real man about it and DON’T throw a temper tantrum and maybe….just maybe…cover your face a bit….you’re not trying to win an Soap Opera Award.
So if you are a guy and you are about to turn on the water works, just ask yourself. Is what you are about to cry over something worth crying over? Do you really want to be known as the crier?
Yes, as women we do want our men to be sensitive (to a POINT) but if your definition of sensitive is crying all the time…..then you might want to either change that or look for a date in Boystown.
Note: This was inspired by ESPN columnist Brian Murphy. Check out his anti-crying campaign here: http://sports.espn.go.com/espn/page2/story?page=murphy/060328
UPDATE 3/29/2006 @ 9:34 a.m:
I found a picture of my Ex. I know I said I wouldn't name names, but here is a picture of him crying....so I thought I would share.
He could be a little dramatic at times.
Some more examples:
Acceptable:
A Little Much:
Jimmy Dugan: Are you crying? Are you crying? ARE YOU CRYING? There's no crying, there's no crying in baseball. Rogers Hornsby was my manager, and he called me a talking pile of pigshit. And that was when my parents drove all the way down from Michigan to see me play the game. And did I cry? NO. NO. And do you know why?
Evelyn Gardner: No, no, no.
Jimmy Dugan: Because there's no crying in baseball.
That’s how I feel about men crying. Now there are times in everyone’s life when crying is acceptable. A loved one dies or is dieing, babies are born (more tears of joy), you lose someone very close to you, etc.
But in most cases it’s not ok. Pull down your pants and take a look. Those are balls. Act like they are more then just decoration and STOP CRYING! You don’t need to cry b/c I ma 5 minutes later, cry b/c you can’t get your way, cry b/c they cancelled your favorite T.V. show. What are you 2?
I am a girl and I don’t even cry that much. Ok I get emotion during some movies and get a little misty, but I also have ovaries and over active hormones. It’s normal.
One of my Ex’s (shall remain nameless) liked to cry. Well, maybe he didn’t like it but he sure the hell did it enough. We would get into a fight and next thing I knew he was CRYING!!! One of our last fights ended like this:
“WHAT ARE YOU CRYING FOR?!”
“Well, I just don’t think you understand what’s going on”
“um, you’re crying. What don’t I understand?”
“No I meant about everything else.”
“So your natural response is to CRY? Maybe that works with Slutty McSpreads her legs, but not with me. Now, not only do I want to dump you but I want to hit you really hard.”
I mean he CRIED ALL THE TIME! We probably had about 3 or 4 big fights over 8 months and each time he started the damn crying. I was in shock! Each time I just stared with my mouth open, amazed that this guy was crying. CRYING!!
I heard he was getting married. I was thinking about sending him a wedding gift. A years supply of Kleenex and some Visine. The only thing he’s going to need more then that is a paternity test from Maury Povich. (but that’s a whooooole nother story!)
Now I am sure you are asking yourself what I think is an acceptable time to for men to cry, well here they are: (Leaving out the ones listed above. These may be added to in the future)
The 1980 Olympic Hockey Team: A bunch of kids just beat the USSR and went on to win the gold. We’ve all seen the movie, we all know the story. For them to cry, the fans to cry and the rest of us to get all misty watching the movie is understandable. ~~ Men go ahead and cry (but unless you were one of the players, don’t bawl)
Brian’s Song: Saddest made for TV movie EVER!!! And I am NOT talking about the remake from 5 years ago, I am talking about the original with James Caan and Billy Dee Williams. I’ve seen the toughest men get all misty when Brian Piccalo dies. (I cry from the minute he gets cancer until his death.) I mean even the summary is sad: “Based on the real-life relationship between teammates Brian Piccolo and Gale Sayers and the bond established when Piccolo discovers that he is dying.”
You are an athlete and you just won a National Title / Championship: You’re happy, it’s over and you are the world Champions. Nothing, not even sex, is greater then this moment. For one year you are the BEST. Go ahead an shed a few….you deserve it!
You are an athlete and you just lost a big game: Ok sure every game is important, but I am talking NBA finals, MARCH MADNESS, Super Bowl Important. You’re a team that was supposed to go all the way or at least not loose the first game. Your emotions are high and your feeling pretty low. Just ask J.J. Reddick or Adam Morrison. They were supposed to be the NCAA “IT” boys who would lead their teams all the way…..they are home right now, eating cheetos. It sucks. So shed a few, but try to be a real man about it and DON’T throw a temper tantrum and maybe….just maybe…cover your face a bit….you’re not trying to win an Soap Opera Award.So if you are a guy and you are about to turn on the water works, just ask yourself. Is what you are about to cry over something worth crying over? Do you really want to be known as the crier?
Yes, as women we do want our men to be sensitive (to a POINT) but if your definition of sensitive is crying all the time…..then you might want to either change that or look for a date in Boystown.
Note: This was inspired by ESPN columnist Brian Murphy. Check out his anti-crying campaign here: http://sports.espn.go.com/espn/page2/story?page=murphy/060328
UPDATE 3/29/2006 @ 9:34 a.m:
I found a picture of my Ex. I know I said I wouldn't name names, but here is a picture of him crying....so I thought I would share.
He could be a little dramatic at times.
Some more examples:
Acceptable:
A Little Much:
A Thug In Preppy Clothing
Today “Get Rich or Die Tryin'” staring Fiddy Cent (50 cent for all my non-gansta friends) comes out on DVD. Now I have not seen this movie yet, but I really want to rent it. Is it because I really like rap music? Am I a huge fan of Fiddy? Maybe it’s the summary of the movie that draws me: (from IMDB) “A tale of an inner city drug dealer who turns away from crime to pursue his passion, rap music”
WOW!!! Why wasn’t Mr. Cent nominated for an Oscar? I mean he REALLY had to go outside of character for this role. Do you think it he faced the same struggles Eminem did preparing for 8 mile? Skinny white trailor trash grows up, becomes rich white rapper, and grows as an artist by acting in a movie and playing Skinny white trailer trash. (Ok…I have to say…I love 8 mile and Eminem.)
No I want to see this movie b/c my friend Brett LOVES this movie. I think he saw it about 3 or 4 times in the theater and has been waiting for it to come out. Today he was right there when Best Buy opened and bought it. Maybe there is some misunderstood bond between Brett and Fiddy? Maybe when Brett sees Fiddy he sees something in himself that is longing to come out. Hmmmm…one would ponder….ok…let’s compare the two:
Brett Breslin:
~6’4 and built. Resembles an A&F model
~blond hair and blue eyes
~Frat boy, and not just any frat….he’s a Beta (Beta Theta Pi)
~has been known to pop his collar and wear pastel button downs (Kayla has ended that thank god)
~Upper class white boy who spent 3 years in a European Boarding School
~amazing friend
~used to be the BIGGEST man whore, but now has embraced something called commitment
~has a scar on his leg from getting tackled playing football and landing on broken glass (I don’t know…don’t ask)
~has suffered numerous injuries from Extreme Air Hockey
~Enjoys drinking, hockey, football and basketball.
~Parents divorce and was pretty much raised by grandparents
~close friends/entourage includes: Kayla, Chad, Tom, Matt, Me, Kyle, Tim, Susan and Laura
~~information compiled by Kayla and Me
Curtis “50 Cent” Jackson III
~Lived in New York City all his life
~Raised by his grandparents after his father ran out and his mother was shot when he was only eight. (his mom was only 23..yeah do the math)
~Originally wanted to be a heavyweight boxer, but eventually fell back on rapping.
~Was shot nine times, two shots hitting him in the head, the bullet that struck his face he carries as a reminder of what happened.
~Has a son: Marquise, nicknamed 25 cent
~Neither drinks alcohol nor smokes.
~Close friends / entourage includes: Eminem, Dr. Dre, the Game, G-Unit members: Tony Yayo, Lloyd Banks, Young Buck, Shs Money XL and DJ Whoo Kid.
~information brought to you by IMDB.com
Ok, so I’m looking at the list and so far I see: They are both men raised by their grandparents who like sex. Both have battle scars. Brett’s are from a football game we played instead of going to class……50 cent’s are from being SHOT 9 TIMES!!!!!!!!
So I don’t get it. I guess the next step is to just rent the movie and see what’s so amazing, but I think in the end I will just realize that this is just another one of Brett’s movies that he likes for NO apparent reason.
Although who am I to judge? Two of my guilty pleasures include:
Bring It On:
Torrance Shipman: Courtney, this is not a democracy, it's a cheerocracy. I'm sorry, but I'm overruling you.
Courtney: You are being a cheer-tator Torrance and a pain in my ass!
And
Honey:
Chaz: Besides, I never mess up a kid's head, especially when his mom's in the shop.
Honey: [Chuckles] He's eight. That would have made me 14. I'm not that kind of girl.
Chaz: My bad.
Honey: We just peoples.
Raymond: Yeah, we peoples.
Chaz: You peoples? Playa, playa, how'd you swing that? I've been tryin' to be her peoples for weeks. Ain't had no luck.
Raymond: I got flow. [All laughing]
Chaz: I got flow too. You don't think I got some flow?
Raymond: Maybe not as much as me.
Come on kiddies admit it, you like one or both of these movies too! Bring It On is hysterical (male cheerleaders?? A cheer off?? Does it GET any better?) And Honey is a powerful thought driven movie with Shakespeare like dialog (see above.) With some kick ass dance moves, Romeo, Missy Elliot, and two of my favorites: Jessica Alba and Mekhi Phifer!
What are some of your guilty pleasures??? It will be between you, me and the other 2743984753920573209753298753295732895 (ok more like 6) people who read this.
WOW!!! Why wasn’t Mr. Cent nominated for an Oscar? I mean he REALLY had to go outside of character for this role. Do you think it he faced the same struggles Eminem did preparing for 8 mile? Skinny white trailor trash grows up, becomes rich white rapper, and grows as an artist by acting in a movie and playing Skinny white trailer trash. (Ok…I have to say…I love 8 mile and Eminem.)
No I want to see this movie b/c my friend Brett LOVES this movie. I think he saw it about 3 or 4 times in the theater and has been waiting for it to come out. Today he was right there when Best Buy opened and bought it. Maybe there is some misunderstood bond between Brett and Fiddy? Maybe when Brett sees Fiddy he sees something in himself that is longing to come out. Hmmmm…one would ponder….ok…let’s compare the two:
Brett Breslin:
~6’4 and built. Resembles an A&F model
~blond hair and blue eyes
~Frat boy, and not just any frat….he’s a Beta (Beta Theta Pi)
~has been known to pop his collar and wear pastel button downs (Kayla has ended that thank god)
~Upper class white boy who spent 3 years in a European Boarding School
~amazing friend
~used to be the BIGGEST man whore, but now has embraced something called commitment
~has a scar on his leg from getting tackled playing football and landing on broken glass (I don’t know…don’t ask)
~has suffered numerous injuries from Extreme Air Hockey
~Enjoys drinking, hockey, football and basketball.
~Parents divorce and was pretty much raised by grandparents
~close friends/entourage includes: Kayla, Chad, Tom, Matt, Me, Kyle, Tim, Susan and Laura
~~information compiled by Kayla and Me
Curtis “50 Cent” Jackson III
~Lived in New York City all his life
~Raised by his grandparents after his father ran out and his mother was shot when he was only eight. (his mom was only 23..yeah do the math)
~Originally wanted to be a heavyweight boxer, but eventually fell back on rapping.
~Was shot nine times, two shots hitting him in the head, the bullet that struck his face he carries as a reminder of what happened.
~Has a son: Marquise, nicknamed 25 cent
~Neither drinks alcohol nor smokes.
~Close friends / entourage includes: Eminem, Dr. Dre, the Game, G-Unit members: Tony Yayo, Lloyd Banks, Young Buck, Shs Money XL and DJ Whoo Kid.
~information brought to you by IMDB.com
Ok, so I’m looking at the list and so far I see: They are both men raised by their grandparents who like sex. Both have battle scars. Brett’s are from a football game we played instead of going to class……50 cent’s are from being SHOT 9 TIMES!!!!!!!!
So I don’t get it. I guess the next step is to just rent the movie and see what’s so amazing, but I think in the end I will just realize that this is just another one of Brett’s movies that he likes for NO apparent reason.
Although who am I to judge? Two of my guilty pleasures include:
Bring It On:Torrance Shipman: Courtney, this is not a democracy, it's a cheerocracy. I'm sorry, but I'm overruling you.
Courtney: You are being a cheer-tator Torrance and a pain in my ass!
And
Honey:Chaz: Besides, I never mess up a kid's head, especially when his mom's in the shop.
Honey: [Chuckles] He's eight. That would have made me 14. I'm not that kind of girl.
Chaz: My bad.
Honey: We just peoples.
Raymond: Yeah, we peoples.
Chaz: You peoples? Playa, playa, how'd you swing that? I've been tryin' to be her peoples for weeks. Ain't had no luck.
Raymond: I got flow. [All laughing]
Chaz: I got flow too. You don't think I got some flow?
Raymond: Maybe not as much as me.
Come on kiddies admit it, you like one or both of these movies too! Bring It On is hysterical (male cheerleaders?? A cheer off?? Does it GET any better?) And Honey is a powerful thought driven movie with Shakespeare like dialog (see above.) With some kick ass dance moves, Romeo, Missy Elliot, and two of my favorites: Jessica Alba and Mekhi Phifer!
What are some of your guilty pleasures??? It will be between you, me and the other 2743984753920573209753298753295732895 (ok more like 6) people who read this.
Monday, March 27, 2006
Herpies Pop Their Collars
Roommate and I once convinced two guys at a bar that we were dolphin trainers, for no particular reason except we were intoxicated and like fucking with people. This is how the conversation went down:
Roommate walks up to me and goes “we’re dolphin trainers.”
Me: “um ok.” I walk over to the table
Guy #1: “So what do you do?”
Me: “I’m a dolphin trainer.”
Guy #2: “where do you work?”
Me: ::roommate didn’t tell me where. “The Brookfield Zoo.” (apparently roommate said the same place.....drunk assholes think alike.)
G#1: “So what do you say to the dolphins to get them to do tricks?”
Me: giving him the ‘you should know this look.’: “We don’t TALK to the dolphins. We use whistles for commands. Like when you want them to jump around the tank you go ‘doooo doo’ (whistle sound), and when you want them to go backwards on their tails its ‘doo doooooooooooooo do do.”
Roommate: “I can’t believe you’re doing out calls at the bar!”
G#2: “Ok, where do you keep the dolphins in the winter?”
Me: again giving the you’re an idiot look. “Same place you keep them in the summer, in the INDOOR TANK.”
G#1: “What do you feed them?”
Roommate: “FISH! Now, this is enough…we do NOT have to justify our careers to you two.”
Doing these things to guys at bars is fun. I mean, most of the time you’re not interested in them and it doesn’t matter what you tell them. That is until you get caught.
Now when I’m drunk I enjoy telling people my name is Zoey and I give out the phone number to Empire Carpets (and I ONLY did that in Michigan.) Its easier then telling them that they have a better chance at seeing Paris Hilton win a Nobel Peace Prize and an Oscar in the same year.
So one night I am out with Kayla and some of her friends when we are approached by some fratties with their popped collars. There were about six of us girls, and since four of them made it very clear they were either engaged or lesbians…..the fratties focused their attention on Kayla and myself. After about an hour of free drinks Pink Popped Fratty (PPF) asked for my number and so I give it to him.
Me: “Its 773-588-2300.”
PPF: writes it down and then goes “Um, I’m from Chicago to. So unless you live with the Empire Carpet man….I’ll take the hint.”
OK not to bad….then 3 days later we’re at a Red Wings game when Brett’s cousin shows up with PPF!!!
He sees me and says something to Josh. To which Josh reply’s,”yeah that's Joanie….she’s an asshole!” (Winks at me….he meant it out of love.)
PPF: “Joanie?? Wait so your name is Joanie? B/c before she gave me the carpet number she told me her name was Zoey and that her dad named her after a Moroccan Princess he used to work for.”
Kayla: about to pee her pants. “MOROCCAN PRINCESS? No she was named after her grandmother. God, are you gullible.”
Me: “Yeah sorry. I probably would have given you a chance had you not walked into the bar with a PINK popped collar, immediately ordered a red bull and vodka, and said to me ‘ Like the shirt….it can be on your floor tomorrow morning.’”
Moral of the story? If you meet me in the bar and I have been drinking….their is a 40% chance I’m going to lie to you. If you’re a guy in a pink shirt and popped collar and/or drink red bull and vodka and/or use stupid pick up lines…..that chance increases to 98%.
Basically it’s a Lie to STD ration. The bigger my chances of getting an STD are from you…..the Bigger the lies and ditch outs are going to be.
Roommate walks up to me and goes “we’re dolphin trainers.”
Me: “um ok.” I walk over to the table
Guy #1: “So what do you do?”
Me: “I’m a dolphin trainer.”
Guy #2: “where do you work?”
Me: ::roommate didn’t tell me where. “The Brookfield Zoo.” (apparently roommate said the same place.....drunk assholes think alike.)
G#1: “So what do you say to the dolphins to get them to do tricks?”
Me: giving him the ‘you should know this look.’: “We don’t TALK to the dolphins. We use whistles for commands. Like when you want them to jump around the tank you go ‘doooo doo’ (whistle sound), and when you want them to go backwards on their tails its ‘doo doooooooooooooo do do.”
Roommate: “I can’t believe you’re doing out calls at the bar!”
G#2: “Ok, where do you keep the dolphins in the winter?”
Me: again giving the you’re an idiot look. “Same place you keep them in the summer, in the INDOOR TANK.”
G#1: “What do you feed them?”
Roommate: “FISH! Now, this is enough…we do NOT have to justify our careers to you two.”
Doing these things to guys at bars is fun. I mean, most of the time you’re not interested in them and it doesn’t matter what you tell them. That is until you get caught.
Now when I’m drunk I enjoy telling people my name is Zoey and I give out the phone number to Empire Carpets (and I ONLY did that in Michigan.) Its easier then telling them that they have a better chance at seeing Paris Hilton win a Nobel Peace Prize and an Oscar in the same year.
So one night I am out with Kayla and some of her friends when we are approached by some fratties with their popped collars. There were about six of us girls, and since four of them made it very clear they were either engaged or lesbians…..the fratties focused their attention on Kayla and myself. After about an hour of free drinks Pink Popped Fratty (PPF) asked for my number and so I give it to him.
Me: “Its 773-588-2300.”
PPF: writes it down and then goes “Um, I’m from Chicago to. So unless you live with the Empire Carpet man….I’ll take the hint.”
OK not to bad….then 3 days later we’re at a Red Wings game when Brett’s cousin shows up with PPF!!!
He sees me and says something to Josh. To which Josh reply’s,”yeah that's Joanie….she’s an asshole!” (Winks at me….he meant it out of love.)
PPF: “Joanie?? Wait so your name is Joanie? B/c before she gave me the carpet number she told me her name was Zoey and that her dad named her after a Moroccan Princess he used to work for.”
Kayla: about to pee her pants. “MOROCCAN PRINCESS? No she was named after her grandmother. God, are you gullible.”
Me: “Yeah sorry. I probably would have given you a chance had you not walked into the bar with a PINK popped collar, immediately ordered a red bull and vodka, and said to me ‘ Like the shirt….it can be on your floor tomorrow morning.’”
Moral of the story? If you meet me in the bar and I have been drinking….their is a 40% chance I’m going to lie to you. If you’re a guy in a pink shirt and popped collar and/or drink red bull and vodka and/or use stupid pick up lines…..that chance increases to 98%.
Basically it’s a Lie to STD ration. The bigger my chances of getting an STD are from you…..the Bigger the lies and ditch outs are going to be.
Friday, March 24, 2006
A Lunatic's Slide Show
So some people (KAYLA & CHRIS) aren't on facebook and want to see my pictures that I keep promising to email. Well, I'm bored....so I will post them on the blog.
Ok, here's the deal. I am going to give them captions..but feel free to submit funnier ones via the comments section and/or email me @ joanie.maria@gmail.com. Oh and people, do a better job of this activity then you did at the animal scale. NOW GO!!!! (anyone who reads nicole's blog and saw the "NOW GO" on hers...yeah she got that shit from me. and i got it from my carnie friends)
OK kiddies here are random pics brought to you by ME!
That's our basketball court. My freshman year Brett was giving us a tour and dared me to try a three point shot. I (clad in jeans and boots with heals) put on my game face....stand at the line...grannied the shot....and made it. In my celebration I jumped up and upon landing slid (i had heals on like an asshole) fell on my ass. "Way to go joanie....scuff up the NCAA Championship floor" I'm glad he was worried about my safety.
Block S, center court...Kennice and I were going to kiss it for love of state and good luck, but seeing as though sweaty basketball players were on it about 20 min prior....we decided to skip that part of the day.
I have no idea what roommate was doing. We were drinking and karaoking that night. Anything was possible. However, I do think we were making fun of sluts who drop it like its hot. (that wasn't funny)
Kennice and I center court. Yeah we're hot...we're sexy...we're SPARTANS!!!
Ass shot of Shannon Brown, yes the same Shannon Brown from my crazy grandfather entry.
Ok...simply put this is a picture of me molesting Sparty. Hey he has a rock solid ass....a girl has gatta hit that once and a while. Sadly, this is NOT the first time I have done this.....it was just the first time sober...and the first time Kayla wasn't doing something even MORE inappropriate in front of him. Use your sick minds.
OK and now that college basketball season is over (as far as I am concerned) here is a picture of my FAVORITE moment during the 2005-2006 Spartan Basketball season. Its like Shannon Brown is saying "Hello Ben Luber....would you like salt with my shoes....b/c you're eating them for dinner!!!" SPARTY ON!
Ok, here's the deal. I am going to give them captions..but feel free to submit funnier ones via the comments section and/or email me @ joanie.maria@gmail.com. Oh and people, do a better job of this activity then you did at the animal scale. NOW GO!!!! (anyone who reads nicole's blog and saw the "NOW GO" on hers...yeah she got that shit from me. and i got it from my carnie friends)
OK kiddies here are random pics brought to you by ME!
That's our basketball court. My freshman year Brett was giving us a tour and dared me to try a three point shot. I (clad in jeans and boots with heals) put on my game face....stand at the line...grannied the shot....and made it. In my celebration I jumped up and upon landing slid (i had heals on like an asshole) fell on my ass. "Way to go joanie....scuff up the NCAA Championship floor" I'm glad he was worried about my safety.
Block S, center court...Kennice and I were going to kiss it for love of state and good luck, but seeing as though sweaty basketball players were on it about 20 min prior....we decided to skip that part of the day.
I have no idea what roommate was doing. We were drinking and karaoking that night. Anything was possible. However, I do think we were making fun of sluts who drop it like its hot. (that wasn't funny)
Kennice and I center court. Yeah we're hot...we're sexy...we're SPARTANS!!!
Ass shot of Shannon Brown, yes the same Shannon Brown from my crazy grandfather entry.
Ok...simply put this is a picture of me molesting Sparty. Hey he has a rock solid ass....a girl has gatta hit that once and a while. Sadly, this is NOT the first time I have done this.....it was just the first time sober...and the first time Kayla wasn't doing something even MORE inappropriate in front of him. Use your sick minds.
OK and now that college basketball season is over (as far as I am concerned) here is a picture of my FAVORITE moment during the 2005-2006 Spartan Basketball season. Its like Shannon Brown is saying "Hello Ben Luber....would you like salt with my shoes....b/c you're eating them for dinner!!!" SPARTY ON!
NO Thank You, I Do Not Want To Be Your Baby Mama
So work is always interesting when I am let out of my cage to go and run errands. Yesterday boss man had me going to the Cook County Courthouse in Maywood. Now I have gone to Maywood on two other occasions to file court documents, and every time I go I get asked out.
I know what your thinking, “Rock on J! Picking up some lawyers during working hour!”
No, no, no, no. Even better. I am picking up guys in court for parole violations and other interesting criminal and domestic matters.
Lets review:
1st trip to Maywood: I am standing in line for the metal detector when there is a tap on my shoulder. I turn around and there is this 5’8’’ish guy behind me. He must weight about 140lbs at the MOST but his pants look like they should be on a guy who is 7’0’’ and 300 lbs. I mean I get the low ride rapper look….but COME ON! You could fit an army of midgets in there.
The conversation flows like this: “hey mama, you lookin good.”
Me: “Um..thanks.”
G: “How bout after I’s done with this lil matter we go chill.”
Me: “Sorry, I’m working.”
G: “What? Is it b/c I’m a Mexican. You a racist or something.”
Me: I wanted to say no…its b/c I don’t pick up guys who’s pesky court matters are Domestic Violence charges (stupid had his subpoena in plain view) Instead I went with “No, its because I am a lesbian, and before you say anything no you can not join.”
Thank god the officer then rushed me through the check point and I was on my way to the files room.
2nd trip to Maywood:
I am standing by the Sheriff’s desk waiting to give them the papers to have some people served. Since they are working at the speed of a drag racing snail, its taking a loooong time. So I am leaning up against a wall when I am approached by a VERY VERY large black man with a tattoo on his neck and more jail tats on his arms.
JT: “Yo.”
Me: looks around, realizes that's my “Yo”. “hi”
JT: “So whatcha in for?”
Me: “Um..nothing. I’m waiting for the Sheriff. I need to get some people served.”
JT: “Coo Coo. I’m just waiting for my hearing. Minor drug and weapons charge. So can I call on you sometime?”
~~ok was the MINOR drug and weapons charge supposed to impress me? B/c IT DIDN’T!!!
Me: slightly nervous. “Oh, well that’s interesting. Um, call on me? Sorry. I, have this boyfriend. BIG. Really jealous. I can barely talk to other guys. So that wouldn’t be a good idea.”
He gives me this “your loss” look and walks away.
3rd trip to Maywood:
I don’t even get near the court house. I am walking from the car when these two guys walk toward me and stop. I get the once over and then this:
RG: incoherent mumbling “damn girl. You wanna be my baby mama? We’d make some beautiful mixed babies.”
Me: :Um……no thanks. I’m not really the baby mama type. Thanks for the complement though.”
RG: laughs with buddy. Mumbles again. “What if we just practice?”
Me: walking away. “Sorry, maybe next time.”
Yeah, so apparently if I am EVER in need of a date all I need to do is go to the court house in Maywood and pick up someone fresh off parole!!!
Hey! Now Kate and I can bring dates to Nicole’s wedding. I’ll just go to the court house and look around for two attractive large men with jail tats. Talk about interesting dates. Not only would they allow us to not go to the wedding alone…BUT…they would give Nicole’s grandparents something to talk about.
And my grandpa wanted to write me out of the will before…..he would DIE if he heard this one!!!
I know what your thinking, “Rock on J! Picking up some lawyers during working hour!”
No, no, no, no. Even better. I am picking up guys in court for parole violations and other interesting criminal and domestic matters.
Lets review:
1st trip to Maywood: I am standing in line for the metal detector when there is a tap on my shoulder. I turn around and there is this 5’8’’ish guy behind me. He must weight about 140lbs at the MOST but his pants look like they should be on a guy who is 7’0’’ and 300 lbs. I mean I get the low ride rapper look….but COME ON! You could fit an army of midgets in there.
The conversation flows like this: “hey mama, you lookin good.”
Me: “Um..thanks.”
G: “How bout after I’s done with this lil matter we go chill.”
Me: “Sorry, I’m working.”
G: “What? Is it b/c I’m a Mexican. You a racist or something.”
Me: I wanted to say no…its b/c I don’t pick up guys who’s pesky court matters are Domestic Violence charges (stupid had his subpoena in plain view) Instead I went with “No, its because I am a lesbian, and before you say anything no you can not join.”
Thank god the officer then rushed me through the check point and I was on my way to the files room.
2nd trip to Maywood:
I am standing by the Sheriff’s desk waiting to give them the papers to have some people served. Since they are working at the speed of a drag racing snail, its taking a loooong time. So I am leaning up against a wall when I am approached by a VERY VERY large black man with a tattoo on his neck and more jail tats on his arms.
JT: “Yo.”
Me: looks around, realizes that's my “Yo”. “hi”
JT: “So whatcha in for?”
Me: “Um..nothing. I’m waiting for the Sheriff. I need to get some people served.”
JT: “Coo Coo. I’m just waiting for my hearing. Minor drug and weapons charge. So can I call on you sometime?”
~~ok was the MINOR drug and weapons charge supposed to impress me? B/c IT DIDN’T!!!
Me: slightly nervous. “Oh, well that’s interesting. Um, call on me? Sorry. I, have this boyfriend. BIG. Really jealous. I can barely talk to other guys. So that wouldn’t be a good idea.”
He gives me this “your loss” look and walks away.
3rd trip to Maywood:
I don’t even get near the court house. I am walking from the car when these two guys walk toward me and stop. I get the once over and then this:
RG: incoherent mumbling “damn girl. You wanna be my baby mama? We’d make some beautiful mixed babies.”
Me: :Um……no thanks. I’m not really the baby mama type. Thanks for the complement though.”
RG: laughs with buddy. Mumbles again. “What if we just practice?”
Me: walking away. “Sorry, maybe next time.”
Yeah, so apparently if I am EVER in need of a date all I need to do is go to the court house in Maywood and pick up someone fresh off parole!!!
Hey! Now Kate and I can bring dates to Nicole’s wedding. I’ll just go to the court house and look around for two attractive large men with jail tats. Talk about interesting dates. Not only would they allow us to not go to the wedding alone…BUT…they would give Nicole’s grandparents something to talk about.
And my grandpa wanted to write me out of the will before…..he would DIE if he heard this one!!!
Tuesday, March 21, 2006
Don't Feed the Bridesmaid
As some of you might have caught on (a la the posts about working out) I am on a working out / getting healthy kick. Well, not so much a kick as a life change. Now don’t worry, this isn’t going to be an entry talking about healthy food and the benefits of becoming a gym rat.
In order to become a healthier Joanie and to look stunning in all the weddings I will be in (I refuse to be the token fat bridesmaid you think might eat the skinny one if she doesn’t get to the reception asap)….I am currently working out 5-6 days a week and doing weight watchers.
I was talking to Nicole about my progress and I told her I lost about 20lbs so far. Her response (via email): “WOW! 20lbs?!? that is awesome! that's a lot! you just lost a fenster and a mcmanus. almost a carmen. yes, this is how i relate weight.” (fenster and mcmanus are her cats and Carmen is her mom’s dog….a cocker)
So it got me thinking, that IS a good way to relate weight. So from now on when I talk about how much I lost it will now be in animals.
As of right now here is the scale. Post a comment or email me at Joanie.maria@gmail.com if you have an animal that can represent a certain # of lbs!!!
SCALE:
2-2 ½: Roxy (The Megels’ yorkie/maltese mix)
5 lbs: Pepe’ (dog @ PAWS)
10 lbs: Fenster or McManus (nicole’s cats)
25 lbs: Carmen (Nicole's mom's Cocker)
55 lbs Sophie (my sister’s dog)
100 lbs: Baby Kelsey (my old dog when she was only 1 yr old)
150 lbs: Adult Kelsey
I bet you any money the craze will run wild like herpes during Greek Week!! Soon you and your friends will have conversations like this:
"So Joanie....how’s the weight watchers going"
"GREAT!!! i just lost another fenster!"
"Wow...fenster!! so total, you’re looking at fenster carmen?"
"yeah totally!!! you know...if i lost a puppy kelsey i would soooo be a nicole richie!"
"wow then you would have to eat about mcmanus in order to look normal again”
“but why would I?? The crypt keeper look is sooooooo in now.”
Just watch!! In three weeks you too will be using this scale! Have fun kiddies, and remember to send me a dollar every time you use the scale. Seriously, its only $1.00, small price to pay for the cool new lingo you and your friends will be using.
Next stop on the lunatic train……an indepth look into why Chris kept telling me it was SOOOO hard for him to gain weight and why in turn I did not drop the Honda on his head. (or in the event I don’t feel like it…..something else all together.)
UPDATE: 1:20 p.m. Kennice has added to the scale with her two dogs, and Opie will be 60lbs and a gus will be 40lbs! Thanks KENNICE!!!
In order to become a healthier Joanie and to look stunning in all the weddings I will be in (I refuse to be the token fat bridesmaid you think might eat the skinny one if she doesn’t get to the reception asap)….I am currently working out 5-6 days a week and doing weight watchers.
I was talking to Nicole about my progress and I told her I lost about 20lbs so far. Her response (via email): “WOW! 20lbs?!? that is awesome! that's a lot! you just lost a fenster and a mcmanus. almost a carmen. yes, this is how i relate weight.” (fenster and mcmanus are her cats and Carmen is her mom’s dog….a cocker)
So it got me thinking, that IS a good way to relate weight. So from now on when I talk about how much I lost it will now be in animals.
As of right now here is the scale. Post a comment or email me at Joanie.maria@gmail.com if you have an animal that can represent a certain # of lbs!!!
SCALE:
2-2 ½: Roxy (The Megels’ yorkie/maltese mix)
5 lbs: Pepe’ (dog @ PAWS)
10 lbs: Fenster or McManus (nicole’s cats)
25 lbs: Carmen (Nicole's mom's Cocker)
55 lbs Sophie (my sister’s dog)
100 lbs: Baby Kelsey (my old dog when she was only 1 yr old)
150 lbs: Adult Kelsey
I bet you any money the craze will run wild like herpes during Greek Week!! Soon you and your friends will have conversations like this:
"So Joanie....how’s the weight watchers going"
"GREAT!!! i just lost another fenster!"
"Wow...fenster!! so total, you’re looking at fenster carmen?"
"yeah totally!!! you know...if i lost a puppy kelsey i would soooo be a nicole richie!"
"wow then you would have to eat about mcmanus in order to look normal again”
“but why would I?? The crypt keeper look is sooooooo in now.”
Just watch!! In three weeks you too will be using this scale! Have fun kiddies, and remember to send me a dollar every time you use the scale. Seriously, its only $1.00, small price to pay for the cool new lingo you and your friends will be using.
Next stop on the lunatic train……an indepth look into why Chris kept telling me it was SOOOO hard for him to gain weight and why in turn I did not drop the Honda on his head. (or in the event I don’t feel like it…..something else all together.)
UPDATE: 1:20 p.m. Kennice has added to the scale with her two dogs, and Opie will be 60lbs and a gus will be 40lbs! Thanks KENNICE!!!
Thursday, March 16, 2006
Changing a Tire in the Winter, A Love Story
Back by popular demand.....the story of my coming out party into the world of a functioning adult......enjoy
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
There are many milestones in every girl’s life. First day of school, first crush, first kiss, learning to drive, getting married, you get the idea.
Well I would like to tell everyone about a magical moment, a HUGE first in my life. A time when I really felt like I was becoming a woman; I learned how to change a tire!
I know, I know, you are thinking “OMG JOANIE!! That is sooooo amazing! How old were you when this happened.”
Well kiddies, I was a young 18. Yes, to be so young and to be exposed to such a momentous occasion in ones life is something else. Let’s take a trip down memory lane and revisit such an amazing moment……
Picture it, December 2000. I was all done with my first semester of my freshman year at Michigan State. Chris and I were inside watching Brian’s Song (I was crying) and snuggling under a fleece blanket while outside it was -20 degree and the snow was up to our knees.
I lie their in Chris big strong arms and though, “wow, this is great.”
Little did I know there was evil afoot.
Chris: “babe, last night when I was getting the stuff out of the trunk of your car I noticed your tire was a little low”
Me: “um, ok.”
Chris: “Well have you checked the pressure, you know made sure it was right?”
Me: ::blank stare like he was speaking Canadian.
Chris: “Joanie, you do know how to check that right??” ::I shake my head:: Please tell me you have some car sense.” ::head shake:: “can you even change a tire?” I give him the no but look how cute I am look.
Chris: “Baby,” (yeah..i know..sick little pet names) “you drive from Chicago to East Lansing. You need to know these things. Ok, get up and you are going to learn.”
So after protesting about it being to cold, snow, etc. I was outside in the cold learning to change a tire.
I don’t remember all the details, but I do remember a lot of swearing, me almost doing something wrong that would cause the Honda to kill Chris, I lost ALL important screw, nuts, whatever in the snow, and the fingers turning purple.
Finally, about 1 ½ later (not counting the time it took to drive his Jeep to the car store and buy new things to hold the hub cap on) I changed my first time.
Now in my defense I am NOT an idiot, I am just completely retarded when it comes to anything dealing with cars and furnaces.
About a month later we were driving to a Red Wings game when one of the Jeep’s tires went flat.
Chris wanted me to SHOW HIM how to do it. (apparently he was that worried I would be driving to and from school and get into a freak tire changing accident)
While I struggled, he took pictures to send my mom. I got a little annoyed and stood up to yell at him, kicking the hub cap with all the screws in it (ala Ralphie from A Christmas Story). Funny man is still taking pictures and laughing.
Apparently after our last incident he went out and bought extra stuff “just in case you did it again.”
Asshole.
Chris and I have since broken up (we’re still friends), and he called me the other day to tell me he was going through his stuff and found those pics. (i guess they don't clean out the glove boxes in Canada) I am still useless when it comes to cars, and would prefer snuggling to changing a tire practice in -20 degrees.
Oh and I forgot the best part of that story, The Red Wings beat the Maple Leafs that night and as I won the bet he had to watch the Cutting Edge later that night.
TOOOEEEEEE PICK!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
There are many milestones in every girl’s life. First day of school, first crush, first kiss, learning to drive, getting married, you get the idea.
Well I would like to tell everyone about a magical moment, a HUGE first in my life. A time when I really felt like I was becoming a woman; I learned how to change a tire!
I know, I know, you are thinking “OMG JOANIE!! That is sooooo amazing! How old were you when this happened.”
Well kiddies, I was a young 18. Yes, to be so young and to be exposed to such a momentous occasion in ones life is something else. Let’s take a trip down memory lane and revisit such an amazing moment……
Picture it, December 2000. I was all done with my first semester of my freshman year at Michigan State. Chris and I were inside watching Brian’s Song (I was crying) and snuggling under a fleece blanket while outside it was -20 degree and the snow was up to our knees.
I lie their in Chris big strong arms and though, “wow, this is great.”
Little did I know there was evil afoot.
Chris: “babe, last night when I was getting the stuff out of the trunk of your car I noticed your tire was a little low”
Me: “um, ok.”
Chris: “Well have you checked the pressure, you know made sure it was right?”
Me: ::blank stare like he was speaking Canadian.
Chris: “Joanie, you do know how to check that right??” ::I shake my head:: Please tell me you have some car sense.” ::head shake:: “can you even change a tire?” I give him the no but look how cute I am look.
Chris: “Baby,” (yeah..i know..sick little pet names) “you drive from Chicago to East Lansing. You need to know these things. Ok, get up and you are going to learn.”
So after protesting about it being to cold, snow, etc. I was outside in the cold learning to change a tire.
I don’t remember all the details, but I do remember a lot of swearing, me almost doing something wrong that would cause the Honda to kill Chris, I lost ALL important screw, nuts, whatever in the snow, and the fingers turning purple.
Finally, about 1 ½ later (not counting the time it took to drive his Jeep to the car store and buy new things to hold the hub cap on) I changed my first time.
Now in my defense I am NOT an idiot, I am just completely retarded when it comes to anything dealing with cars and furnaces.
About a month later we were driving to a Red Wings game when one of the Jeep’s tires went flat.
Chris wanted me to SHOW HIM how to do it. (apparently he was that worried I would be driving to and from school and get into a freak tire changing accident)
While I struggled, he took pictures to send my mom. I got a little annoyed and stood up to yell at him, kicking the hub cap with all the screws in it (ala Ralphie from A Christmas Story). Funny man is still taking pictures and laughing.
Apparently after our last incident he went out and bought extra stuff “just in case you did it again.”
Asshole.
Chris and I have since broken up (we’re still friends), and he called me the other day to tell me he was going through his stuff and found those pics. (i guess they don't clean out the glove boxes in Canada) I am still useless when it comes to cars, and would prefer snuggling to changing a tire practice in -20 degrees.
Oh and I forgot the best part of that story, The Red Wings beat the Maple Leafs that night and as I won the bet he had to watch the Cutting Edge later that night.
TOOOEEEEEE PICK!
Slooooooow Day
Today is super slow, and so boss man and I went for a 2 hr lunch at the bar next door to watch some NCAA action.
It was fun. I mean I wasn't in the office working and the food wasn't to bad. Plus we got to watch some NCAA action. So I thought I would come back here and putts around before I do some work.
Here's a couple things I want to address:
It was fun. I mean I wasn't in the office working and the food wasn't to bad. Plus we got to watch some NCAA action. So I thought I would come back here and putts around before I do some work.
Here's a couple things I want to address:
- I noticed there were some typos on the last entry. I could go back and change it, but I really don't care enough. You all can deal. Just be lucky I use spell check at all.
- Shout out to my loyal readers: Nicole and Kayla!! Without you, I don't think anyone would be reading this.
- Double shout out to Nicole's cousin Kelly for clicking on the link and reading my blog. Thanks. If I was giving anything away I would tell you to check your mail...but I'm not...so don't bother.
- Kayla asked me to repost the tire changing story (its on the myspace thing) So that will be posted above this.
Well that was about it. Nothing to funny. Well my boss did elude to the fact is he thinks his kid is growing up gay. I mean the kid does dance, show choir, and worries about bringing a butler on the Oregon Trail. I informed boss man his thoughts probably should have hit the roof when the kid did dance and show choir. I mean yeah the kid plays baseball, but come on. Although I shouldn't judge, maybe he uses his spirit fingers to catch grounders!
Next stop on that train is male cheerleading! ::Shudder::
side note: The spell check is broken. So I am sorry for how terrible this entry must be spelled.
Mirrors and the Elliptical Machine
So the past two nights at the good old LPAC (Lincoln Park Athletic Club) has been interesting.
Now there is a diverse group of people there on any given night. However, I don’t work out until about 9:00 p.m. at night as to give me the best choices of machines and to avoid those crazy 8lb, bright spandex workout Nazis.
Tuesday night there was a few more people then normally, so instead of getting my favorite machine I was forced to the elliptical that is located by the large wall mirror. Please. I am NOT that ok with my body yet, but anyway that’s where I ended up.
I’m working out and watching L&O SVU, when this peppy little thing gets on the machine next to me. She’s in TIGHT black spandex pants, a sports bra top and equipped with her pink iPod (not knocking the pink), LV change purse, keys and cell phone.
So she gets on the machine and puts the resistance up as high as it will go. Cue her BOUNCING at a very high speed. I mean me and the guy next to her kept waiting for her to launch herself off the damn thing.
Now if that wasn’t bad enough, every couple minutes she would go really fast around and around on one foot. When this happened she would strike a pose and stare into the mirror. Which wouldn’t be to bad…except I was in between her and the mirror and she sighed like I was inconveniencing her.
This goes on for about 15 minutes before she gets on her phone and now she is yelling into it and bouncing at 100 mph. Now by this time SVU is over and I am listening to music…very loud. So this psycho must be screaming into the damn thing.
So finally get gets off and tells her friends “omg that was like the best workout ever. Its just o bad someone was in my way and I could not monitor my form.”
Ok psycho, maybe you could have moved to the machine on the other side of me and forgone watching Paris Hilton be a slut on E!.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
So while last night wasn’t as entertaining, it still had it moments.
I’m working out on my favorite machine and it was the best workout. I’m watching some basketball and listening (again loudly) to my new workout mix.
When out of the corner of my eye I notice the guy on the bike constantly staring, and he keeps this up for a while.
Now I do a 30 min set on the elliptical, get a drink, stretch and another 30 min set.
Now when I workout, it’s in black workout pants and an MSU t-shirt. 995 of the time b/c I have a million MSU t-shirts.
So staring guy (SG) comes up to me and goes “So, Michigan State grad?”
Me: “Yep”
SG: “Excited for the tournament?”
Me: “Yep”
SG “So who are you rooting for?”
Me:Blank stare, like are you serious?:: “Michigan State”
SG: “Oh, so not supporting u of i?”
Me: “no, I’m pretty much rooting for my own team.”
SG: “Which is your own team.”
Me: “Michigan State.”
“SG “Really? Well that would explain the t-shirt.”
Ok, was I the only one following the conversation? I believe we started this weird thing with the fact I went to State and was rooting for them.
So I get back on the machine and he keeps staring. I mean COME ON!!! Weirdo. How come normal guys never hit on my?
So for the record, I am rooting for Izzo and the boys and if I am in the way of you staring at yourself when you’re working out…..MOVE!
Now there is a diverse group of people there on any given night. However, I don’t work out until about 9:00 p.m. at night as to give me the best choices of machines and to avoid those crazy 8lb, bright spandex workout Nazis.
Tuesday night there was a few more people then normally, so instead of getting my favorite machine I was forced to the elliptical that is located by the large wall mirror. Please. I am NOT that ok with my body yet, but anyway that’s where I ended up.
I’m working out and watching L&O SVU, when this peppy little thing gets on the machine next to me. She’s in TIGHT black spandex pants, a sports bra top and equipped with her pink iPod (not knocking the pink), LV change purse, keys and cell phone.
So she gets on the machine and puts the resistance up as high as it will go. Cue her BOUNCING at a very high speed. I mean me and the guy next to her kept waiting for her to launch herself off the damn thing.
Now if that wasn’t bad enough, every couple minutes she would go really fast around and around on one foot. When this happened she would strike a pose and stare into the mirror. Which wouldn’t be to bad…except I was in between her and the mirror and she sighed like I was inconveniencing her.
This goes on for about 15 minutes before she gets on her phone and now she is yelling into it and bouncing at 100 mph. Now by this time SVU is over and I am listening to music…very loud. So this psycho must be screaming into the damn thing.
So finally get gets off and tells her friends “omg that was like the best workout ever. Its just o bad someone was in my way and I could not monitor my form.”
Ok psycho, maybe you could have moved to the machine on the other side of me and forgone watching Paris Hilton be a slut on E!.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
So while last night wasn’t as entertaining, it still had it moments.
I’m working out on my favorite machine and it was the best workout. I’m watching some basketball and listening (again loudly) to my new workout mix.
When out of the corner of my eye I notice the guy on the bike constantly staring, and he keeps this up for a while.
Now I do a 30 min set on the elliptical, get a drink, stretch and another 30 min set.
Now when I workout, it’s in black workout pants and an MSU t-shirt. 995 of the time b/c I have a million MSU t-shirts.
So staring guy (SG) comes up to me and goes “So, Michigan State grad?”
Me: “Yep”
SG: “Excited for the tournament?”
Me: “Yep”
SG “So who are you rooting for?”
Me:Blank stare, like are you serious?:: “Michigan State”
SG: “Oh, so not supporting u of i?”
Me: “no, I’m pretty much rooting for my own team.”
SG: “Which is your own team.”
Me: “Michigan State.”
“SG “Really? Well that would explain the t-shirt.”
Ok, was I the only one following the conversation? I believe we started this weird thing with the fact I went to State and was rooting for them.
So I get back on the machine and he keeps staring. I mean COME ON!!! Weirdo. How come normal guys never hit on my?
So for the record, I am rooting for Izzo and the boys and if I am in the way of you staring at yourself when you’re working out…..MOVE!
Wednesday, March 15, 2006
It's a rerun
Ok. So you have probably already read this one, BUT I am posting it here b/c I am going to talk about the gym again....and this story is something I will more than likely refer back to. So read it again and enjoy!!! (Please note this was originally posted on January 25, 2006)
So this week hasn't been to bad, yet. For conversations sake I am going to start the week on Saturday, January 21, 2006, when my Michigan State Spartans routed Iowa 85-55. SPARTY ON!!!! Honestly, before I became a Spartan I wasn't that into basketball (and I grew up in Michael Jordan Chicago!!) but now I LOVE it.
From that glowing victory roommate and I went to the Sparty ball (an alumni event) and we met some fun and interesting people and ate some really good food. President Simon was there and she gave a really interesting speech (that or I was drunk.) We met this couple who was about 5 years older then us, and as I was talking to the husband (about sports) I mentioned and roommate and I have an Air Hockey table in lieu of a kitchen table.
His response: "WOW! that's great! your boyfriends must love that."
me: "nope single"
him: "really, b/c if I weren't married I would be dating you in a sec. Your attractive, fun, great sports fan with knowledge AND you have an air hockey table.
Kelly and I laughed about this on the way home, about how we do hear this a lot but apparently it must be our stunning personalities that are keeping us single!
Which leads me into something else. Why is it that men/boys are shocked or surprised when women like sports?? or would prefer sports over the Bachelor??
I was at the gym the other night working out and on the Big TVs and the personal TVs that are on the machines was The Bachelor tv show. (i am sure one or two personal ones were showing something else)
Now I have NEVER watched one of those shows (ok i did get sucked into Joe Millionaire, but thatÂ’s another story) so I do not get what the attraction is. I mean come on, 20 women acting like desperate assholes and sluts in order to win the affection of some guy. Its like being back in the sorority during Greek Week!
So as the rest of my fellow working out ladies are watching this mind numbing trash, I am watching the Texas / Oklahoma State Basketball game and waiting for the Kings / Ducks hockey game to start.
Now, as the two machines on either side of me empty, guys get on them and I notice something. Their machines do not have TVÂ’s and as they are working out they are craning their necks and watching the games with me. The guy on the right even tapped me on the shoulder and goes:
"hey, would you mind if I plug my headphones in to your sound box, since ur listening to music? I like the game commentary."
me (in my usual asshole fashion): "Wow that's forward!" :winks: he laughs "yeah no problem, just be aware that I am switching between the two games."
Then when my workout is over I get off the machine and guy on the left goes: "Hey thanks for not being like every other female in the world and actually watching something good."
NO problem men of the Lincoln Park Athletic Club, I am glad I could serve you well and in a way that still preserves my high morals and - 0 - STD count.
The Gym Reminds me of Greek Week
So this week hasn't been to bad, yet. For conversations sake I am going to start the week on Saturday, January 21, 2006, when my Michigan State Spartans routed Iowa 85-55. SPARTY ON!!!! Honestly, before I became a Spartan I wasn't that into basketball (and I grew up in Michael Jordan Chicago!!) but now I LOVE it.
From that glowing victory roommate and I went to the Sparty ball (an alumni event) and we met some fun and interesting people and ate some really good food. President Simon was there and she gave a really interesting speech (that or I was drunk.) We met this couple who was about 5 years older then us, and as I was talking to the husband (about sports) I mentioned and roommate and I have an Air Hockey table in lieu of a kitchen table.
His response: "WOW! that's great! your boyfriends must love that."
me: "nope single"
him: "really, b/c if I weren't married I would be dating you in a sec. Your attractive, fun, great sports fan with knowledge AND you have an air hockey table.
Kelly and I laughed about this on the way home, about how we do hear this a lot but apparently it must be our stunning personalities that are keeping us single!
Which leads me into something else. Why is it that men/boys are shocked or surprised when women like sports?? or would prefer sports over the Bachelor??
I was at the gym the other night working out and on the Big TVs and the personal TVs that are on the machines was The Bachelor tv show. (i am sure one or two personal ones were showing something else)
Now I have NEVER watched one of those shows (ok i did get sucked into Joe Millionaire, but thatÂ’s another story) so I do not get what the attraction is. I mean come on, 20 women acting like desperate assholes and sluts in order to win the affection of some guy. Its like being back in the sorority during Greek Week!
So as the rest of my fellow working out ladies are watching this mind numbing trash, I am watching the Texas / Oklahoma State Basketball game and waiting for the Kings / Ducks hockey game to start.
Now, as the two machines on either side of me empty, guys get on them and I notice something. Their machines do not have TVÂ’s and as they are working out they are craning their necks and watching the games with me. The guy on the right even tapped me on the shoulder and goes:
"hey, would you mind if I plug my headphones in to your sound box, since ur listening to music? I like the game commentary."
me (in my usual asshole fashion): "Wow that's forward!" :winks: he laughs "yeah no problem, just be aware that I am switching between the two games."
Then when my workout is over I get off the machine and guy on the left goes: "Hey thanks for not being like every other female in the world and actually watching something good."
NO problem men of the Lincoln Park Athletic Club, I am glad I could serve you well and in a way that still preserves my high morals and - 0 - STD count.
Monday, March 06, 2006
Ronald McDonald is my Pimp
Sarah, Kelly and I went up to State this past weekend. We had an amazing time. There was a lot of randomness, but three of the funnier moments were these:
~Sarah and I had Izzone tickets and were waiting in line outside the Breslin. The people in front of us kept making out and groping each other, and then let their friends cut in line. (One friend looked like Mr. Ed, and the other was wearing PINK leather boots with stiletto heal, to a BASKETBALL GAME!!) Sarah Tobie was about to throw down. She was PISSED! "If they get lower bowl seats and we don't, I might kill the bitches" (HEY!! Cut us some slack, we rolled into the E.L. at 5am and up by 9:00.)
So as we make it in they announce that there are no more lower bowl tickets, and we were pissed b/c Mrs. Ed (girl with big teeth) and her slutty friend got the last two. Then this guy goes, "I HAVE 2 LEFT!" Sarah LEAPS across the line and gets them. I mean I was impressed. So we ended up 6 rows off the court. I mean perfect viewing! It was tons of fun, and it was all made possible by the Toe being pissed off and ready to kill for those tickets.
~on Sunday morning we woke up, lounged for a bit and then went to Dirty Breakfast. For those of you who don't know, Dirty Breakfast is when you go out to eat breakfast at Theo's (or any place that serves it 24-7) and you are still in pj'ss or lounging clothes, only brush your teeth and wash your face..NO SHOWERS OR MAKEUP!! I put on powder, so I cheat a bit.
So Dave, Kelly, Sarah, Kennice and I are at dirty breakfast and we order. When its my turn the waitress ask if I want White, Wheat or Rye toast. I proceed to stare at hedidn'tke I didn't understand the question. Everyone laughs., and I order wheat. Then I go "SORRY!! I was waiting for her to say Texas didn'twhen she didn't I got all thrown off. So DB went off without to many more problems.
~On ourdecide home we deiced to stop in Indiana to get use the washroom, so stopped at a McDonalds. Now, you have to know what we looked like in order for this to be really funny.
Sarah: Black Adidas pants, green State sweatshirt, flip flops. She looks tired and has a cold. Hair is a little messy.
Kelly: Black lounging pants, gray State sweatshirt, flip flops. She also looks tired, messy hair, etc.
Me: Black fay-lo pants, pink long sleeve top, hair pulled back, bags under my eyes and flip flops. I look dead tired and hung over.
Before we left Sarah wanted some nuggets, so she got in line and Kelly and I stood back by the ketchup. While we waited I leaned against the wall and closed my eyes in the I'm hung over and need to go to bed look.
As we were waiting this guy kept checking us out, but never said anything. Just kept staring, and nodding his head.
So as we were leaving he says "bye ladies." Kelly says nothing and Sarah and I are like "bye." (Kelly says it was a cutesy voice, I say it was just my voice)
Then he goes: "Damn girl(s), you sure lookin good today."
Ok, he was either blind, drunk or lying, b/c we hadn'tlook hit. I mean we hadn't showered yet and I know I just looked hung over. I had that "I have only slept for 4 hrs in 3 days and I just want to go home and sleep for 6 years" look. There is no way any of us looked good. Are the girls that bad in Indiana?? I mean if he was serious, that was a huge complement and I need to start dating black men.
I got home safely after that and I laid around for a bit. As always, going back home to State was so much fun and made me happy. I loved seeing Kennice and the boys. I could have done without Kevin licking his finger and then sticking it in my eye, but his mother probably dropped him as a kid or let him eat pain chips so I will excuse that.
~Sarah and I had Izzone tickets and were waiting in line outside the Breslin. The people in front of us kept making out and groping each other, and then let their friends cut in line. (One friend looked like Mr. Ed, and the other was wearing PINK leather boots with stiletto heal, to a BASKETBALL GAME!!) Sarah Tobie was about to throw down. She was PISSED! "If they get lower bowl seats and we don't, I might kill the bitches" (HEY!! Cut us some slack, we rolled into the E.L. at 5am and up by 9:00.)
So as we make it in they announce that there are no more lower bowl tickets, and we were pissed b/c Mrs. Ed (girl with big teeth) and her slutty friend got the last two. Then this guy goes, "I HAVE 2 LEFT!" Sarah LEAPS across the line and gets them. I mean I was impressed. So we ended up 6 rows off the court. I mean perfect viewing! It was tons of fun, and it was all made possible by the Toe being pissed off and ready to kill for those tickets.
~on Sunday morning we woke up, lounged for a bit and then went to Dirty Breakfast. For those of you who don't know, Dirty Breakfast is when you go out to eat breakfast at Theo's (or any place that serves it 24-7) and you are still in pj'ss or lounging clothes, only brush your teeth and wash your face..NO SHOWERS OR MAKEUP!! I put on powder, so I cheat a bit.
So Dave, Kelly, Sarah, Kennice and I are at dirty breakfast and we order. When its my turn the waitress ask if I want White, Wheat or Rye toast. I proceed to stare at hedidn'tke I didn't understand the question. Everyone laughs., and I order wheat. Then I go "SORRY!! I was waiting for her to say Texas didn'twhen she didn't I got all thrown off. So DB went off without to many more problems.
~On ourdecide home we deiced to stop in Indiana to get use the washroom, so stopped at a McDonalds. Now, you have to know what we looked like in order for this to be really funny.
Sarah: Black Adidas pants, green State sweatshirt, flip flops. She looks tired and has a cold. Hair is a little messy.
Kelly: Black lounging pants, gray State sweatshirt, flip flops. She also looks tired, messy hair, etc.
Me: Black fay-lo pants, pink long sleeve top, hair pulled back, bags under my eyes and flip flops. I look dead tired and hung over.
Before we left Sarah wanted some nuggets, so she got in line and Kelly and I stood back by the ketchup. While we waited I leaned against the wall and closed my eyes in the I'm hung over and need to go to bed look.
As we were waiting this guy kept checking us out, but never said anything. Just kept staring, and nodding his head.
So as we were leaving he says "bye ladies." Kelly says nothing and Sarah and I are like "bye." (Kelly says it was a cutesy voice, I say it was just my voice)
Then he goes: "Damn girl(s), you sure lookin good today."
Ok, he was either blind, drunk or lying, b/c we hadn'tlook hit. I mean we hadn't showered yet and I know I just looked hung over. I had that "I have only slept for 4 hrs in 3 days and I just want to go home and sleep for 6 years" look. There is no way any of us looked good. Are the girls that bad in Indiana?? I mean if he was serious, that was a huge complement and I need to start dating black men.
I got home safely after that and I laid around for a bit. As always, going back home to State was so much fun and made me happy. I loved seeing Kennice and the boys. I could have done without Kevin licking his finger and then sticking it in my eye, but his mother probably dropped him as a kid or let him eat pain chips so I will excuse that.
Thursday, March 02, 2006
I Love the 80's!!!
Here are some pictures from our 80's party! I took them off Jen's facebook page. I will add more as I get them.
Remember kids say no to wine cooler, flippy cup, crimped hair and fun dip for these reasons:
fun ariel view!!
yeah these two are badass...
.
Jess getting in touch with her 1983 self.
rock out!!!
yeah we're cool!!! 
yuuumm fun dip!
i wear my sun glasses at night!!
her face is somwhere under all the hair!
Remember kids say no to wine cooler, flippy cup, crimped hair and fun dip for these reasons:
fun ariel view!!
yeah these two are badass....
Jess getting in touch with her 1983 self.
rock out!!!
yeah we're cool!!! 
yuuumm fun dip!
i wear my sun glasses at night!!
her face is somwhere under all the hair!
ass wednesday
So yesterday was Ash Wednesday, however, I insisted on calling (well typing it) it ass wednesday. Not on purpose, but probably due to the insane amount of paint chips I was fed as a child. (THANKS MOM!!!)
So like all good Catholics, I went to church last night with roommate in order to get our ashes and cut down on the amount of time we will spend in purgatory.
The church was packed and roommate and I ended up in the back, me on a folding chair and her standing about 3 feet away.
Normally during mass roommate and I will nudge each other or give each other looks when the priest says something that hits home or reminds us of something. Well during the homily Father said something and I looked over in roommate's direction to catch her eye with the "yep...we're screwed" look and I notice something.
Roommate is NOT meeting my gaze, but she is SCAMING ON A GUY!!!! So, I look at the object in question and yeah he's a cutie, but come on. Jesus did not die for our sins so you could scam out blue sweater guy. However, then I notice blue sweater guy's mudgy brother...and yes...he's hottie too. So I begin scamming.
Then I realize that maybe its ok to be scamming on blue sweater guy and mudgy brother, because isn't it better to meet a guy in church then in the bar? At least there is a chance he'll wait until the second date before trying to get in your pants. Then again we are Catholics, and nothing says "kinky sex fiend" like growing up Roman Catholic.
The scamming is interrupted suddenly by the apparent exorcism being conducted on the 2 year old in front of roommate. (as some know....roommate is about as child friendly as a dirty heroin needle) When I look up blue sweater guy, mudgy brother, roommate and I all have the same look on our faces. The one that reads "and that's why god invented Birth Control."
As we were leaving church after mass roommate informed me that while the little daring was laying on the ground kicking and screaming she had the strong urge to pierce his skull with her pointy heal.
roommate is going to make a great mom.
As we're walking home we get stopped by a guy with the cutest little puppy. As I am petting the little darling (the dog NOT the guy......perverts) and getting big sloppy puppy kisses, roommate is telling this guy where the church is.
Notice roommate is talking to the guy (even if he's a little to old for us) and I am playing with the dog. Yeah I've got my priorities!!
So while yesterday might have started out as Ass Wednesday, no one got ass. Next time we see them, we better talk to blue sweater guy and mudgy brother and ignore the dog.
So like all good Catholics, I went to church last night with roommate in order to get our ashes and cut down on the amount of time we will spend in purgatory.
The church was packed and roommate and I ended up in the back, me on a folding chair and her standing about 3 feet away.
Normally during mass roommate and I will nudge each other or give each other looks when the priest says something that hits home or reminds us of something. Well during the homily Father said something and I looked over in roommate's direction to catch her eye with the "yep...we're screwed" look and I notice something.
Roommate is NOT meeting my gaze, but she is SCAMING ON A GUY!!!! So, I look at the object in question and yeah he's a cutie, but come on. Jesus did not die for our sins so you could scam out blue sweater guy. However, then I notice blue sweater guy's mudgy brother...and yes...he's hottie too. So I begin scamming.
Then I realize that maybe its ok to be scamming on blue sweater guy and mudgy brother, because isn't it better to meet a guy in church then in the bar? At least there is a chance he'll wait until the second date before trying to get in your pants. Then again we are Catholics, and nothing says "kinky sex fiend" like growing up Roman Catholic.
The scamming is interrupted suddenly by the apparent exorcism being conducted on the 2 year old in front of roommate. (as some know....roommate is about as child friendly as a dirty heroin needle) When I look up blue sweater guy, mudgy brother, roommate and I all have the same look on our faces. The one that reads "and that's why god invented Birth Control."
As we were leaving church after mass roommate informed me that while the little daring was laying on the ground kicking and screaming she had the strong urge to pierce his skull with her pointy heal.
roommate is going to make a great mom.
As we're walking home we get stopped by a guy with the cutest little puppy. As I am petting the little darling (the dog NOT the guy......perverts) and getting big sloppy puppy kisses, roommate is telling this guy where the church is.
Notice roommate is talking to the guy (even if he's a little to old for us) and I am playing with the dog. Yeah I've got my priorities!!
So while yesterday might have started out as Ass Wednesday, no one got ass. Next time we see them, we better talk to blue sweater guy and mudgy brother and ignore the dog.
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