The Should Sell Beer at These Games

This weekend marks the second season of my softball career. As excited as I am, I have to admit that the dangers from last season have me a little scared.

Last year I knew the season was off to an interesting start when Roommate and I went to buy our gloves.

As you might have noticed, I mentioned that we’re playing SOFTBALL……roommate and I bought baseball gloves. BASEBALL. If that wasn’t bad enough…..I think my glove is meant for a kid. It’s kind of small, but see….the other ones wouldn’t fit my hand. They kept falling off. So I played all last softball season with a kiddy sized baseball glove. Yeah I rock!

Some other highlights from last season:

~I wore my sunglasses ALL the time. We’re talking while batting, in the outfield and while playing catcher. I’d like to say it was b/c its always so sunny in Chicago, but really it’s b/c most of our games were before noon and I was hung over.

~While in right field……I did a whole lot of nothing.

~If I didn’t strike out I was walked. I might have hit the ball about 3 times. I was hit by the ball about 2,000 times.

~For whatever reason in softball, if the pitcher walks a male member on the team, the female right after him can choose to walk. Kate chose to hit, I always walked.

~I made one great play. It was at our 9 a.m. game, and I might have still been drunk. For whatever reason I was about 3 feet behind second base, sunglasses on and zoning out. I heard the bat hit the ball and then looked up in time to see the ball flying in my direction. I closed my eyes, screamed and stuck my glove out. Amazingly I wasn’t killed, but I CAUGHT IT!!! The feat was never repeated.

~For whatever reason I was moved into the catcher’s position. This was all fine and dandy until someone threw down their bat and it hit me in the ankle.

~The next weekend the ball jumped out of my glove and into the throat. The ump told me I wouldn’t be able to talk for a bit…..I was more worried about not being able to BREATH!!!

~The following Saturday some giant guy (about 5’11’’ and 300 lbs) decided he would try to steal home. Someone threw me the ball, I caught it and went to tag him……cue him barreling into me and elbowing me in the throat. I don’t know what hurt worse. The elbow to the throat, the fall or the fact a 300 lbs monster just ran me over in a NONCOMPETITIVE softball game. Thus ending my career as the team’s catcher.

~The following inning I offered to be short stop and tripped his fat ass as it “ran” by.

~I spent the whole “season” referring to the Umpires as referees. Once time I even called one a linesmen. At first my team tried to correct me…..by the end they just ignored me.

OK, I realize I am coming off as one of those dumb blonds, but I am not. If this were flag football I would be kicking ass, but no one will play flag football with me.

I just am not a good baseball player, and signed up to have a fun time. I might be better this year as I don’t drink as much as I used to and won’t be hung over as much. However, all my best plays were done when I was at my worst.

This year should be a lot more fun as most of the team members are my friends and get the fact that I am a sarcastic asshole. They’ll appreciate the jokes and comments I make, and won’t question why I will be standing in right field with my sunglasses and pink sweatband on.

Don’t worry…..I’ll provide pics, if someone brings a camera. God knows they are going to be priceless!

Oh and one more thing. I am taking a survey on the first injury. Kayla thinks it’s going to be a black eye, while Brett is betting on me tripping on the way to first base.