How Many Times Can I Say "I'm Back?"

I'm not sure what possessed me to start writing this blog again, but here I am.  Before jumping in and writing, I made sure to go back and read what 24/25 year old Joanie wrote.  I came up with a few conclusions:

1) Wow...we drank way to much
2) I had a LOT of time on my hands
3) I never gave Roommate's actual name
4) I really thought I was funny.....and I am


My life has not ended up like I thought it would.  If you asked 24 year old Joanie what her life would be like at 30, she would have told you:

"Well, I will probably be married and living in Chicago.  Thirty is pretty old, so I will more than likely have a kid but I will definitely have another Dane.  Roommate, Sarah, Kennice, Kate, Nicole, Al and the rest of my close friends will probably live within a five minute walk.  Of course, nothing else will change.  We will still spend Saturdays at the Gin Mill watching Spartan Football and Sundays at BDubs watching the bears.  We'll be old, but we'll be cool old people."

Twenty-four year old Joanie is an idiot.  Her brain is severely damaged from all the alcohol abuse she and roommate took part in.  Time to cue Miss "3 second car bomb" how her life is different.....but awesome!

The biggest surprise, even to me, is that I don't live in Chicago.  I am a Chicago girl through and through and never thought I would leave my city.  The older I got, the more open I was to living in other big cities, so it shouldn't be to much of a surprise I moved.  Except I moved to ARIZONA!  Twenty-four year old Joanie can not believe this.  We HATE the heat and live for the fall.  Arizona is about 10000 degrees and doesn't have jean/slip flop/hoodie weather.  However, I have adjusted to the heat and I really like it here.  (I do really really miss the fall!)

I am not married an do not have a child.  BUT...I do have a Dane!  Brody is awesome, a lot of work and is giving me gray hair, but awesome. I adopted him when he was 10 months old from the Great Dane Rescue, Inc.  They are an awesome rescue and have some really great dogs that need homes.  I encourage everyone to check them out and tell your friends about them.  Not only did they give me Brody, but I even scammed Lyndsay (the AZ rep) into becoming my friend!  I'm pretty sure she likes me, but she may be pretending because she knows she can guilt me into temporary fostering a Dane for the weekend.  Nothing says crazy like two male Danes in an apartment.

The Gin Mill closed a loooong time ago, but I still spend every Saturday in the fall watching my Spartans.  I just watch it now from a more laid back bar....or someone's house.  Same goes with Da Bears.  I don't think I've set foot in a Bdubs in over three years!  Now on to the friends:

Allie: She's doing amazing!  She has her MSW, has a really touch job she is amazing at, still singing, and Sophie is still alive!

Roommate: A big to-do at her ad firm, jet sets around the world, is still an asshole!

Sarah: Married, has the cutest little girl and her master's degree!

Kate: MARRIED! (The caps due to she was "I'm never getting married"), has been to Hawaii more times than Dog the Bounty Hunter!

Nicole: Married, making big adult life changes, we still need to write that romance/sci-fi/spy/wine infused novel that will make us rich!

Kennice: NOT living on our couch anymore, awesome job, keeps me entertained with stories, is my personal relationship guru and San Diego trip buddy!

They are all still in Chicago, for now.  I don't mean that to sound shady, but we never know where life will take us.  I know mine is taking me in some interesting directions. I am excited to see what the future holds.

Yep, this was a long post and not really funny.  Sorry about that.  In the end the answer may be, "well she isn't much more mature, but she sure the hell is boring."  We will see where this goes.  For whatever reason I got it in my head to start blogging again.  Kennice may be the only one who reads this, and that's ok.  At the very least I hope everyone visits the GDRI page and checks out the awesome Danes needing new homes!  I will try for funny next time.

~jo

Return of the Craig's list losers

I haven't done this in a while, so its probably not as funny as before.  Sorry Amanda.

Ahhh Craig's list. You never cease to amazing me. Whether it is a cat tree for sale in Crystal Lake or Greenpeace looking for underpaid summer interns....you are always there.

Of course those are not our favorite postings. No, our favorites come from the "personal" ads. Or as I like to call them, the "Restraining order is in your future" ads. So here it goes:

Busy Executive a/k/a I live with my parents and play World of Warcraft

I am a busy executive looking for a companion to accompany me for events, shows and fine dining. This is not a solicitation for sex or nudity. I will compensate you for each event, 400 weekly income plus clothes. Please send a photo and a little information about yourself. The ideal person would be Asian or Caucasian intelligent and interesting. You will always be safe and respected. Anything that you send to me will be remain in the strictest of confidence. This could be a great summer job for a college student. Intellectuals are encouraged to apply.

First off, we know you are NOT an executive.....those men get their arm candy the old fashion way: by calling high priced "escort" services for Russian women. Chances are this guy is over 40 and has never had a girlfriend. His parents think he may be gay or "slow" and a embarrassed that he's never moved out of the basement. Cousin Martha's wedding is coming up this summer followed by the family reunion and this winner and Sparky here can't go alone and sit at the kids' table anymore. College students are ideally because this will count as community service and you can get credit for your humanities class.




Only Girls with Daddy Issues Need Apply


Seeking that SWF, SAF 20 something girl that could use a Daddy who could make things better. If you could use a very appreciative older man to meet whenver you need, well then have your Daddy. So, why don't you meet Daddy tonight 


Gross.  It is NOT ok to refer to yourself as Daddy, unless you live in Arkansas.  This is just weird and illegal in most states.  And please tell me, what are you going to make better?  My low self esteem?  My confusion of love with random sex?  My desire to replace a relationship I never had with my sperm donor with drunk sex with a man who smells like salami and gets AARP benefits??? 




Snuggle Pants....


There's nothing better than just cuddling with a member of the opposite sex! If you feel the same way maybe we should talk. 


Hmmm, I can think of a few things.  How about finding someone you have a connection with?  A guy who asks you out to a great date a pays?  Having gone on a few dates before cuddling or anything more goes on?  Not responding to an add online in the middle of a day from a sweaty fat guy with a hairlip.




And I want A Unicorn


I want to fall in Love with a SLUT!  Yes, that's right. I want you to be an intelligent, educated, normal professional woman who happens to love love LOVE to f***.   You're into other women, groups, swapping, and watching your bf have sex with another girl.   You're also into handholding, being silly, waking up together and having coffee while cuddling, restaurants and weekend getaways.   Together, we have this crazy love our friends are super jealous about, and behind the scenes we have intensely kinky and dirty sex lives.   Have you been looking for this too?


Is this "Daddy" from earlier?  Or is everyone looking for someone with daddy issues?  You want all this? Fine, let me tell you what I expect to find on an website known for hooking you up prostitutes that will steal your wallet.

I want to fall in love with someone that doesn't exist.  I want you to be 6'4'' or taller and better looking than George Clooney.  You have a 10 figure salary but don't work more than 40 hours a week and volunteers/donate money to good causes.   You love me so much you bought NBC and forced them to NEVER cancel Law & Order.  You have the hockey skills of Wayne Gretzky, the romance of Nora Roberts and the stamina of an 18yr old on Viagra.  You're a giver and never want to receive because you know that bores me and I'm a selfish lover.   Together we are a power couple that even Oprah and Gail are jealous of.

Really people?? I don't know what scares me more, the "men" who write these things and expect a response.....or the women that actually respond.  hmmm.

I'm Back!!!

I'm starting this shit up again!!!! Be afraid.

Next post will be more interesting.

They Make Me Feel Better About Myself

I’ve been busy, stressed and VERY VERY SICK for a long time now. That (AMANDA) is the reason I have not posted. However, someone (AMANDA) was complaining about it last night. I guess someone (AMANDA) needs a life outside of my witty remarks. ;)

Only kidding!

Long overdue……it’s time for another episode of GRAIG’S LIST LOSERS!!!!! (crowd cheers):

(Remember, I don’t fix grammar, spelling or spacing mistakes.)

smoke is fun to watch. - 26

so I got all high on the couch and started thinking about who the perfect girl would be for me. Here's what I've come up with so far: - Hot - Great rack - Fun to hang out with If you fit that description, please let me know.

Right, because if I was a fun hot chick with a great rack my ideal guy would be some 26 year old stoner. What?? Is he hoping she’s all tapped out of the AA guys? Let me guess, this guy’s idea of a good date is getting high, putting on Fantasia and listening to some Fall Out Boy. Fuuuuun. Bad stoner!!! No munchies!!


Mature white man looking for female - 50

Hello there,I'm looking for a female 30-50 y/o, petite/slender, N/S, D/D free.I hope to meet someone nice.....no professionals please.I am openminded,passionate and love to kiss.Drop me a line and lets meet for coffee.

At first this is kind of a boring post, then you get to the “no professionals please.” What does that mean? Are we talking no professionals like he doesn’t want a woman with a career and who is self reliant? Or are we talking no professionals, like he doesn’t want a hooker? I am a little confused. Is he really worried old dirty hookers are scamming Craig’s list trying to catch themselves a old man? No hunny, those ladies come right out and tell you…..$100 a blow.


Justin Timberlake show

Looking for a fun, cute, girl to go see JT with me next week. Have great seats and my friend is going out of town now. Please include a pic.

In case you were wondering, this is that 28 year old guy still living in his parents basement that watches the 8th grade Catholic school girls get off the bus after school. He bought himself some tickets and will only give them to you if you’re under 18 and promise not to call the cops.


stuck on house arrest till april 4.. need company – 30

nice guy!!always wrong place wrong time...messenger anyone?yahoo?msn? Have pics!

Wow, he probably comes with his own handcuffs!!! Plus think of all the fun you could have playing “Is that your ankle braclet monitoring device or are you just happy to see me?!”


Apparently today is stoner post day, because ¾ of the posts talk about getting high. Fun times!

(HAPPY AMANDA!!!!) ;)

Men Like Women Who Can Cook

So I realize it’s been almost a month since I posted. This is mostly due to the fact school started and it’s been kicking my ass.

However, I am sitting on hold with government agencies and so I have some time on my hands.

On Mondays Sarah and I go to a friends house to watch 24. The past two times we’ve made dinner. The first time was for Sarah’s birthday and it was a surprise. I made lasagna, Nonie’s recipe.

The second time was because these fools now expect meals when we come over. They're not stupid, they know a good thing when they taste it.

Ok, only kidding…I actually like cooking and love cooking for other people, especially hungry people who appreciate it. Although, for all I know they’re just lying because they’re nice people. (Obviously these are new friends, as the friends we all know and love would just tell me the food sucked.)

Anyway, all this cooking has required me to call up Nonie more often for recipe ideas and tips on things. She finds this all funny I guess because when I ask her she laughs. So I recently called her again for more tips and she goes:

“Joanie, how do your friends like your cooking?”

“Oh, I think they like it. The lasagna went over really well. I’m going to have to make this again.”

“Oh honey, I am so happy. You know, men like a woman who can cook”

“Um, great.”

“So, these friends” (she says friends all suspicious, like I am actually making this stuff for my dolls and pretending they’re real people b/c I am crazy) “how often do you do this for them”

“Mondays.”

“Are there gentlemen there?”

“Hmm, gentlemen, no. No one that fancy. There are some guys there though.”

“Ohh, that’s good. You’re going to make some man very happy once day.”

Ok, so I am trying not to laugh. All of this because I asked her for her meatball recipe? I wonder what would have ensued if I would have gone for the top secret cannelloni recipe?

“Well thanks Nonie, I appreciate the complement.”

“I just want to see you happy and married before I die.”

Man, there they go. I love how grandparents and parents threaten loneliness after they’re gone. Like by them threatening to die on us makes us run out and marry the first non mutant looking person we see. Bonus points if he’s dressed sharply, b/c that makes him an attorney, doctor or chauffer.

I bet this is how Craig’s List dating was started. Everyone on there looking for dates/hook up has a parent or grandparent at home threatening to die.

In case anyone is reading this and is interested in a very attractive and funny, hot tempered, Irish Italian Catholic chick who can cook and has only minor issues……..Nonie is taking applications.

Oh bonus: I also know a LOT of random crap about stupid useless things. You’ll be amazed.

DA BEARS

Yeah, I haven't posted in a while and I might not for a little bit long....sorry.

However, I found this on my sister's friend's facebook page (i know i am coooooooooooool) and I wanted to share it.

BEAR DOWN!!!!!

A first grade teacher explains to her class that she is an Indianapolis Colts fan. She asks her students to raise their hands if they are Colts fans too. Not really knowing what a Colts fan was, but wanting to be liked by their teacher, their hands fly into the air.

There is, however, one exception. Susie has not gone along with the crowd. The teacher asks her why she has decided to be different. "Because I'm not a Colts fan" she reports. "Then," asks the teacher, "what are you?" "I'm a Chicago Bears fan!" boasts the little girl. The teacher asks Susie why she is a Bears fan. "Well, my Dad and Mom are Bears fans, so I'm a Bears fan too" she responds. "That's no reason," the teacher says. "What if your mom was a moron and your dad was an idiot. What would you be then?"

Susie smiles and says, "A Colts fan."

Cuff Me...I'm a Bad Girl.....

I hate the weekdays, mostly b/c I hate my job. However, this Wednesday morning started off nicely.

I went to White Hen like I do most mornings for my daily dose of Irish Crème flavored coffee. I probably go in about 4-6 times a week to the point where the White Hen guy calls me Irish.

So the morning started off normal, with White Hen guy and me talking in Spanglish:

White Hen Guy: “Buenos días, Irish. I am making up a new pot for you.”

Me: “Buenos días and gracias. Como’ estas?”

White Hen Guy: “Estupendo!!!” Then he started rambling in Spanish.

Me: “o.k… I got you were super. After that I am lost.”

White Hen Guy laughs: “Ahh. Sorry. Are you excited for the big game?”

We start talking Bears football. I won’t add in all we talked about because you all have heard my rant before. While we were talking someone came in and walked towards us.

“Buenos días Detective! Irish and I were talking about the Bears!”

I looked up to see the hottest thing I have seen since Kelly had that hot doctor in the hospital. He was wearing a suit (very Law & Order) with his badge on his belt and when he moved his jacket to get his wallet you could see his gun in his shoulder harness. H-O-T-T HOT!!! Physically he was tall, dark hair hair, dark eyes, amazing smile……………………

Oh sorry…..got taken back there this morning. Anyway….

HOT cop: “Are we now?” Smiles at me, and I know I turned red. “So what have we decided?”

White Hen Guy: “Irish here thinks Grossman should be taken out back and shot, like you would do to a lame horse. ‘Put him out of our misery’ I believe was the direct quote.”

Hot cop starts laughing, which was good, because the alternative was him taking me in for murder threats.

Hot Cop: “Well, I would have to agree with her on that one.”

White Hen Guy excuses himself and I am left there all turned on and tongue tied by the hot cop. This was my chance to put an end to my drought. So I thought of the coolest thing to say….

“Could you pass me two Splendas please?” (with a little smile)

I know. I’m amazing. He must have been floored because he responded in the most romantic way.

“Sure” and handed them over.

I know I know, but what the hell was I supposed to do?? Jump up on the counter and tell him to take me anyway he wants?? HELLO!!! This isn’t a porno and I was raised with waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaay to much Irish Catholic guilt to ever let that happened.

Sad isn’t it?

Hot Cop and I did talk some Bears football before he got a call and had to run. Amazingly enough he didn’t pay for his coffee (hmm, in Chicago?? No!) However, White Hen Guy ended up giving me a free coffee too. So it was a win/win situation.

Well, maybe not. I guess a bigger win would have been if I would have ended up in the back of his unmarked car while he performed a thorough a full body search.







What?? Was that wrong? Too far?? Ok fine. I hate you anyway.