ramblings of a bored lunatic

Return of the Craig's list losers

2010-05-17T10:56:00.000-05:00

I haven't done this in a while, so its probably not as funny as before. Sorry Amanda.

Ahhh Craig's list. You never cease to amazing me. Whether it is a cat tree for sale in Crystal Lake or Greenpeace looking for underpaid summer interns....you are always there.

Of course those are not our favorite postings. No, our favorites come from the "personal" ads. Or as I like to call them, the "Restraining order is in your future" ads. So here it goes:

Busy Executive a/k/a I live with my parents and play World of Warcraft

I am a busy executive looking for a companion to accompany me for events, shows and fine dining. This is not a solicitation for sex or nudity. I will compensate you for each event, 400 weekly income plus clothes. Please send a photo and a little information about yourself. The ideal person would be Asian or Caucasian intelligent and interesting. You will always be safe and respected. Anything that you send to me will be remain in the strictest of confidence. This could be a great summer job for a college student. Intellectuals are encouraged to apply.

First off, we know you are NOT an executive.....those men get their arm candy the old fashion way: by calling high priced "escort" services for Russian women. Chances are this guy is over 40 and has never had a girlfriend. His parents think he may be gay or "slow" and a embarrassed that he's never moved out of the basement. Cousin Martha's wedding is coming up this summer followed by the family reunion and this winner and Sparky here can't go alone and sit at the kids' table anymore. College students are ideally because this will count as community service and you can get credit for your humanities class.

Only Girls with Daddy Issues Need Apply

Seeking that SWF, SAF 20 something girl that could use a Daddy who could make things better. If you could use a very appreciative older man to meet whenver you need, well then have your Daddy. So, why don't you meet Daddy tonight

Gross. It is NOT ok to refer to yourself as Daddy, unless you live in Arkansas. This is just weird and illegal in most states. And please tell me, what are you going to make better? My low self esteem? My confusion of love with random sex? My desire to replace a relationship I never had with my sperm donor with drunk sex with a man who smells like salami and gets AARP benefits???

Snuggle Pants....

There's nothing better than just cuddling with a member of the opposite sex! If you feel the same way maybe we should talk.

Hmmm, I can think of a few things. How about finding someone you have a connection with? A guy who asks you out to a great date a pays? Having gone on a few dates before cuddling or anything more goes on? Not responding to an add online in the middle of a day from a sweaty fat guy with a hairlip.

And I want A Unicorn

I want to fall in Love with a SLUT! Yes, that's right. I want you to be an intelligent, educated, normal professional woman who happens to love love LOVE to f***. You're into other women, groups, swapping, and watching your bf have sex with another girl. You're also into handholding, being silly, waking up together and having coffee while cuddling, restaurants and weekend getaways. Together, we have this crazy love our friends are super jealous about, and behind the scenes we have intensely kinky and dirty sex lives. Have you been looking for this too?

Is this "Daddy" from earlier? Or is everyone looking for someone with daddy issues? You want all this? Fine, let me tell you what I expect to find on an website known for hooking you up prostitutes that will steal your wallet.

I want to fall in love with someone that doesn't exist. I want you to be 6'4'' or taller and better looking than George Clooney. You have a 10 figure salary but don't work more than 40 hours a week and volunteers/donate money to good causes. You love me so much you bought NBC and forced them to NEVER cancel Law & Order. You have the hockey skills of Wayne Gretzky, the romance of Nora Roberts and the stamina of an 18yr old on Viagra. You're a giver and never want to receive because you know that bores me and I'm a selfish lover. Together we are a power couple that even Oprah and Gail are jealous of.

Really people?? I don't know what scares me more, the "men" who write these things and expect a response.....or the women that actually respond. hmmm.

I'm Back!!!

2010-05-13T19:40:00.001-05:00

I'm starting this shit up again!!!! Be afraid.

Next post will be more interesting.

They Make Me Feel Better About Myself

2007-03-08T14:20:00.000-06:00

I’ve been busy, stressed and VERY VERY SICK for a long time now. That (AMANDA) is the reason I have not posted. However, someone (AMANDA) was complaining about it last night. I guess someone (AMANDA) needs a life outside of my witty remarks. ;)

Only kidding!

Long overdue……it’s time for another episode of GRAIG’S LIST LOSERS!!!!! (crowd cheers):

(Remember, I don’t fix grammar, spelling or spacing mistakes.)

smoke is fun to watch. - 26

so I got all high on the couch and started thinking about who the perfect girl would be for me. Here's what I've come up with so far: - Hot - Great rack - Fun to hang out with If you fit that description, please let me know.

Right, because if I was a fun hot chick with a great rack my ideal guy would be some 26 year old stoner. What?? Is he hoping she’s all tapped out of the AA guys? Let me guess, this guy’s idea of a good date is getting high, putting on Fantasia and listening to some Fall Out Boy. Fuuuuun. Bad stoner!!! No munchies!!

Mature white man looking for female - 50

Hello there,I'm looking for a female 30-50 y/o, petite/slender, N/S, D/D free.I hope to meet someone nice.....no professionals please.I am openminded,passionate and love to kiss.Drop me a line and lets meet for coffee.

At first this is kind of a boring post, then you get to the “no professionals please.” What does that mean? Are we talking no professionals like he doesn’t want a woman with a career and who is self reliant? Or are we talking no professionals, like he doesn’t want a hooker? I am a little confused. Is he really worried old dirty hookers are scamming Craig’s list trying to catch themselves a old man? No hunny, those ladies come right out and tell you…..$100 a blow.

Justin Timberlake show

Looking for a fun, cute, girl to go see JT with me next week. Have great seats and my friend is going out of town now. Please include a pic.

In case you were wondering, this is that 28 year old guy still living in his parents basement that watches the 8th grade Catholic school girls get off the bus after school. He bought himself some tickets and will only give them to you if you’re under 18 and promise not to call the cops.

stuck on house arrest till april 4.. need company – 30

nice guy!!always wrong place wrong time...messenger anyone?yahoo?msn? Have pics!

Wow, he probably comes with his own handcuffs!!! Plus think of all the fun you could have playing “Is that your ankle braclet monitoring device or are you just happy to see me?!”

Apparently today is stoner post day, because ¾ of the posts talk about getting high. Fun times!

(HAPPY AMANDA!!!!) ;)

Men Like Women Who Can Cook

2007-02-22T10:27:00.000-06:00

So I realize it’s been almost a month since I posted. This is mostly due to the fact school started and it’s been kicking my ass.

However, I am sitting on hold with government agencies and so I have some time on my hands.

On Mondays Sarah and I go to a friends house to watch 24. The past two times we’ve made dinner. The first time was for Sarah’s birthday and it was a surprise. I made lasagna, Nonie’s recipe.

The second time was because these fools now expect meals when we come over. They're not stupid, they know a good thing when they taste it.

Ok, only kidding…I actually like cooking and love cooking for other people, especially hungry people who appreciate it. Although, for all I know they’re just lying because they’re nice people. (Obviously these are new friends, as the friends we all know and love would just tell me the food sucked.)

Anyway, all this cooking has required me to call up Nonie more often for recipe ideas and tips on things. She finds this all funny I guess because when I ask her she laughs. So I recently called her again for more tips and she goes:

“Joanie, how do your friends like your cooking?”

“Oh, I think they like it. The lasagna went over really well. I’m going to have to make this again.”

“Oh honey, I am so happy. You know, men like a woman who can cook”

“Um, great.”

“So, these friends” (she says friends all suspicious, like I am actually making this stuff for my dolls and pretending they’re real people b/c I am crazy) “how often do you do this for them”

“Mondays.”

“Are there gentlemen there?”

“Hmm, gentlemen, no. No one that fancy. There are some guys there though.”

“Ohh, that’s good. You’re going to make some man very happy once day.”

Ok, so I am trying not to laugh. All of this because I asked her for her meatball recipe? I wonder what would have ensued if I would have gone for the top secret cannelloni recipe?

“Well thanks Nonie, I appreciate the complement.”

“I just want to see you happy and married before I die.”

Man, there they go. I love how grandparents and parents threaten loneliness after they’re gone. Like by them threatening to die on us makes us run out and marry the first non mutant looking person we see. Bonus points if he’s dressed sharply, b/c that makes him an attorney, doctor or chauffer.

I bet this is how Craig’s List dating was started. Everyone on there looking for dates/hook up has a parent or grandparent at home threatening to die.

In case anyone is reading this and is interested in a very attractive and funny, hot tempered, Irish Italian Catholic chick who can cook and has only minor issues……..Nonie is taking applications.

Oh bonus: I also know a LOT of random crap about stupid useless things. You’ll be amazed.

DA BEARS

2007-01-25T11:34:00.000-06:00

Yeah, I haven't posted in a while and I might not for a little bit long....sorry.

However, I found this on my sister's friend's facebook page (i know i am coooooooooooool) and I wanted to share it.

BEAR DOWN!!!!!

A first grade teacher explains to her class that she is an Indianapolis Colts fan. She asks her students to raise their hands if they are Colts fans too. Not really knowing what a Colts fan was, but wanting to be liked by their teacher, their hands fly into the air.

There is, however, one exception. Susie has not gone along with the crowd. The teacher asks her why she has decided to be different. "Because I'm not a Colts fan" she reports. "Then," asks the teacher, "what are you?" "I'm a Chicago Bears fan!" boasts the little girl. The teacher asks Susie why she is a Bears fan. "Well, my Dad and Mom are Bears fans, so I'm a Bears fan too" she responds. "That's no reason," the teacher says. "What if your mom was a moron and your dad was an idiot. What would you be then?"

Susie smiles and says, "A Colts fan."

Cuff Me...I'm a Bad Girl.....

2007-01-10T16:39:00.000-06:00

I hate the weekdays, mostly b/c I hate my job. However, this Wednesday morning started off nicely.

I went to White Hen like I do most mornings for my daily dose of Irish Crème flavored coffee. I probably go in about 4-6 times a week to the point where the White Hen guy calls me Irish.

So the morning started off normal, with White Hen guy and me talking in Spanglish:

White Hen Guy: “Buenos días, Irish. I am making up a new pot for you.”

Me: “Buenos días and gracias. Como’ estas?”

White Hen Guy: “Estupendo!!!” Then he started rambling in Spanish.

Me: “o.k… I got you were super. After that I am lost.”

White Hen Guy laughs: “Ahh. Sorry. Are you excited for the big game?”

We start talking Bears football. I won’t add in all we talked about because you all have heard my rant before. While we were talking someone came in and walked towards us.

“Buenos días Detective! Irish and I were talking about the Bears!”

I looked up to see the hottest thing I have seen since Kelly had that hot doctor in the hospital. He was wearing a suit (very Law & Order) with his badge on his belt and when he moved his jacket to get his wallet you could see his gun in his shoulder harness. H-O-T-T HOT!!! Physically he was tall, dark hair hair, dark eyes, amazing smile……………………

Oh sorry…..got taken back there this morning. Anyway….

HOT cop: “Are we now?” Smiles at me, and I know I turned red. “So what have we decided?”

White Hen Guy: “Irish here thinks Grossman should be taken out back and shot, like you would do to a lame horse. ‘Put him out of our misery’ I believe was the direct quote.”

Hot cop starts laughing, which was good, because the alternative was him taking me in for murder threats.

Hot Cop: “Well, I would have to agree with her on that one.”

White Hen Guy excuses himself and I am left there all turned on and tongue tied by the hot cop. This was my chance to put an end to my drought. So I thought of the coolest thing to say….

“Could you pass me two Splendas please?” (with a little smile)

I know. I’m amazing. He must have been floored because he responded in the most romantic way.

“Sure” and handed them over.

I know I know, but what the hell was I supposed to do?? Jump up on the counter and tell him to take me anyway he wants?? HELLO!!! This isn’t a porno and I was raised with waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaay to much Irish Catholic guilt to ever let that happened.

Sad isn’t it?

Hot Cop and I did talk some Bears football before he got a call and had to run. Amazingly enough he didn’t pay for his coffee (hmm, in Chicago?? No!) However, White Hen Guy ended up giving me a free coffee too. So it was a win/win situation.

Well, maybe not. I guess a bigger win would have been if I would have ended up in the back of his unmarked car while he performed a thorough a full body search.

What?? Was that wrong? Too far?? Ok fine. I hate you anyway.

2007 Craig's List Losers

2007-01-03T15:55:00.000-06:00

Happy New Year Kiddies!!!!! I would dazzle you with the adventures of my Quarter Century Birthday Bash, but alas I really don’t remember it.

Honestly!!! I think by the end of the night I was 4 Blue Moons, 5 shots and 4 car bombs into it and my lovely friends footed the bill. Yeah, I am so lucky I am not dead.

So in lieu of sharing the memories I don’t have, here is your first installment of 2007 Craig’s List Losers…….

Upscale SWM looking be your cuckold - 33
I am a nice professionally educated gentleman, an attractive single white male (33yo, 6'1", 180lbs) with a life long fantasy of dating a girl who will cheat on me. Tease me, make me take you out only to have you hit on other guys while I'm there. Compare me to others, bring a guy back to my place and make me sleep in the guest room while you have your way with him. Cuckold me. Serious and nice. I'm not looking to hook up, looking to build a friendship where you hopefully enjoy teasing and taunting me as much as I enjoy the jealousy of seeing you with another man, or men, or whatever YOU want. Please be for real. I will do the same in return

Right. The picture on his page is of him leaning over a railing on a cruise ship. Kind of creepy if you ask me, but alas I guess the Brad Pitts of the word are not getting on line hoping to meet some slut that will sexually castrate him.

Start the New Year, New
I currently live in Houston, Texas but I'm originally grew up on the Southside of Chicago, back in the day. I've been in TX for about 28 years or so. I have a great job, a wife, house, dog, fence, and no kids. I'm in great shape for 48 yrs young. I want to run away from my marriage leave everything behind and start new in Chicago. I need a nice down to earth female friend willing to take a chance on me moving in with them for awhile until I get back on my feet which would be in about two to three weeks after hitting Chicago. Anyone truly wanting to start their new year on something crazy, hit me back you won’t be sorry trust me.

Please let me reword this: “HI! I’m trying to find a way to run away from my responsibility. I have some nagging bitch in Texas that I don’t have the balls to divorce; probably because she cut them off and ate them for dinner about 20 years ago.

My plan is to move to Chicago and sleep on your couch until one day I go for some smokes and you change the locks. Until then I will eat your food, walking around in my stained tighty whiteys and blow my nose on my old Van Halen t-shirts.

So please respond with a picture, because even though I am a balding beer bellied skunk I will only live with bleached out dimwitted hotties.

IM JUST A BOY THAT WANTS A GIRL 2 LOVE HIM - 27
I AM JUST A BOY THAT WANTS A GIRL 2 LOVE HIM. IS THAT SO MUCH TO ASK. I GUESS BEING A NICE AND GOOD GUY THESE DAYS DOES NOT MATTER ANYMORE JUST LOOKS.

First off, we did not need all the caps in order for you to get your point across. This isn’t AIM and you’re not telling Tiffany that Bobby just kissed Lisa by the tennis courts. Got it?
Second, why are you ripping off Knotting Hill? I mean really! (Don't forget. I'm just a girl standing in front of a boy...asking him to love her.") Kind of sad little man.
Or is this a game? Like you throw one out there, then it’s my turn and if we both guess right we get a date?? Is it?? Ok my turn: “Don’t say we aren't right for each other, the way I see it is. We aren't right for anyone else”
What? You don’t know it? Awww, well I guess you loose.

Canada love - 29
Hi all, I’m mike and i work for an airline that brings me here bi weekly. Just looking for a new friend to see the city with. not sure if normal is what you want but that’s what I am. hope to hear form you

Ok, we all know I am partial to the Canadians, and the pic Mike attached is really cute (if that’s him). However, Mike is probably a flight attendant and as much as I like being the driving board for closeted homosexuals…..I think I’ll take a pass.

~~Sorry there’s not more, but it appears that 2007 is a slow one for old Craig’s list. Hopefully some more psychos log on in the future.

I’m still toying with the idea of making an add to see if I get any hits. Hmmm….

2007, the year of the wedding

2006-12-18T15:28:00.001-06:00

I just learned that yet ANOTHER one of my friends is engaged. Apparently this marriage thing is catching on faster then Herpes in a frat house.

So it’s looking like the six weddings I went to this year will be top by the eight I will have next year. Yes, I said eight.

Over the weekend a friend and I were talking about this trend. I mentioned that I’m going to have to take a loan out just to pay for wedding gifts.

You know how we all have that one friend that you love to death, but sometimes you want to hold a pillow over her head until she stops breathing??? Well that’s Kayla’s and mine friend Jamie…and now she’s apparently getting married.

Jamie called me last night to inform me of the good news. Jamie is marrying a boy from Napa Valley, so the wedding is going to be on a vineyard in California. Nice!!!

The fun part of this phone call was that Jamie called everyone in her phone book at 11:00 p.m., you know…1:00 a.m. my time. Thanks JAMS!!

To know Jamie is to love her, and I say this b/c I am about to really make fun of her perky and positiveness. So I have to be nice before I completely rip her a new one. (kinda kidding??) Read Jamie’s parts like you’re coked up on speed and happy pills, b/c that’s how she sounds.

Jamie: “So, I was thinking about guest lists and stuff and you are totally invited!”

Me: “Well, I would hope so! You’re calling me at 1:00 to tell me, to not invite me would be mean.”

J: “Oh you’ve always been so funny!! Anyway, I was thinking. You should totally not bring a date b/c Peter has like a million single friends and we can play matchmaker. You know me, I don’t know if a lot of the girls will show up, but my plan is to stick you and Kim at a table with all guys. It will be great. I will make sure we prescreen them and you’ll love it. A bunch of football loving mudgy boys. I’ll put as many Irish and Catholic boys in the mix to assure we find a suitable one, b/c you know what my mom says about all of that. It’s just really hard to mix religions and plus you would have such a pretty Catholic wedding. I’ve seen the church you go to remember when my sister lived in Chicago. She went St. Clement and…..”

Me: “JAMIE!!! BREATH!!!!!! Ok, so you have me married now. I mean what if I am dating someone.”

J: laughing. Yes the bitch was laughing. “oh honey, I didn’t mean it that way. I just meant that we’re getting married in June. Yeah I know fast wedding, but I highly doubt you’ll find someone serious by then. Anyway, so I can’t make you a bridesmaid b/c I have to many sisters and friends and such, but I want you to do a reading and I was thinking about the love is patient one. Now as far as colors go I was thinking that all the readers could wear matching……..”

I might have fallen asleep on the phone. I love her, but she’s a little out of it. She might have been high. No, that’s just Jamie.

It’s funny b/c I don’t think I’ve talked to Jamie in over a year. I love her, but the call and the rambling was a little crazy.

In deep contract was the call from Kayla this morning.

“Did you talk to Jamie??? Has she finally lost it.”

M: “Did she tell you about her idea and my boy table.”

K: “Yeah………um. I MIGHT have had something to do with that. I jokingly told her that with all these weddings and all your friends being in relationships…..well, that you sit at home with your cat watching beaches and crying most nights.”

M: “Why would you do that?”

K: “B/c she was annoying me and kept talking. SO I figured if she called you I would be left alone.”

M: “I hate you.”

K: “Awww…poor baby.”

~~Yeah, K is a bitch. But joke is on her. I called Jamie this afternoon to tell her that Kayla was just trying to hide the fact that she was knocked up and would be to preggers to come to the wedding.

As of 2:00 this afternoon, Kayla has had 3 phone calls from Jamie. One call was about reputable adoption agencies in Colorado. Yeah NO ONE thinks Kayla should have kids. .

Ahh friendship, when torturing someone is just a way of showing them that you care.

An Adult Letter to Santa

2006-12-06T15:52:00.000-06:00

Dear Santa,

Remember me? I thought you would. I know it’s been a while, but I have decided to try my hand at you again. Don’t worry; I’ve gotten over the fact that when I was three and wanted a puppy you gave me some ugly ass sweater. I can even forgive you for that whole divorce thing when I was five even though I asked for a pony.

However, this year is really important. These are things I NEED to be accepted by the cool kids and make it so I can have some joy in my sad little life.

1) BEARS vs Packers Ticket!!! COME ON!!! WHO DO I HAVE TO SLEEP WITH TO GET THESE THINGS!!!!!!!!! I have asked a million people, and you’re my last hope. It would mean a lot AND make up for the fact my birthday is going to inevitably suck.

2) A Pink iPod. I am the only one at the gym who still uses a diskman. I can see all the other girls and boys looking at me and snickering. “Hey Cassy, check out the LOOOOOOOSER with no iPod.” “Oh. My. God. Greta!! I can not believe they let her join the ultra cool LPAC!!! Come on, let’s go purge.” If I want Cassy and Greta to be my friends I need a THUPER cute iPod that will strap to my arm while I run too fast on the treadmill!!

3) Tall men. No really, is there something wrong with the water in Chicago? Is there a reason that all the straight single guys out there are so little? OK maybe it’s me, I’m spoiled. But the shortest guy I ever dated was 5’11. I like big mudgy trees apparently. I have yet to meet a single, straight, tall and mudgy boy in this city….and it makes me sad. As of now, it’s looking like I am going to have to import someone from out of state or country!! (Canada possibly????)

Ok, it’s kind of sad that I can really only come up with three things. I mean I started this stupid list days ago, but wanted more funny and witty present. However, apparently alls I want for Christmas are football, pink stuff and sex.

Even sadder is that I would forgo the latter two for the football.

Are you listening Santa??? Or has all the fat gone to your ears. Look, I realize that Christmas is more then just gifts, but you’re the one who turned December 25th into a materialistic whorehouse. So let those whore’s lose on me!!!!!!!

Wait, I don’t think that came out right……..

Love,
Joanie

P.S.: Still waiting on that pony.

Birthday Memories

2006-12-04T14:30:00.001-06:00

My 25th birthday is in 24 days. What sucks most about my birthday is that its three days after Christmas and no one is ever really around. (Except for a certain few people who have helped me make the best out of the day!!)

What also sucks about it is that I am sick about 98% of the time. I have spent the majority of my birthdays on medication for some illness (strep throat seems to be the most popular) and even have spent about ¼ of them in the hospital.

My junior year of college birthday is the most recent hospital bound one. I was about to turn 21 and instead of gearing up for my birthday; I was in the pediatrics unit at Good Samaritan Hospital. At one point a little boy came in my room to tell me I was to old to be in the kids rooms.

Anyway, that birthday was uneventful since most of my home friends were younger then 21, my older 21 friends were in Michigan or other places and I was doped up on medication. No bar hopping for my twenty-first birthday! There were a couple other things that made it crappy, but we’ll leave that alone.

The fun came when I got back to State. My friends threw a dinner and bar experience for me, and Brett even got me an extra special surprise.

B: “well J, we all know how much you like flowers and how that ass never gets you any. So I wanted to get you some extra special flowers for your birthday. They’re no roses, but I think you will love them.”

Then be brings out these flower shaped things. Turned out he had someone widdle flowers out of POTATOES!!! They were then stuck in sticks and put in a vase made from a Parrot Bay bottle.

It was hysterical.

Anyway, we all ate some pizza and then went out boozing until the bars closed. Upon returning home to Kayla’s (so drunk I think Chad piggy backed me home) we decided to get food.

Apparently I had the amazing idea to cook the potato flowers. So I took them out of the Parrot Bay and stuck them in the microwave.

I then proceeded to poke everyone with the sticks. Meanwhile, Matt was filling water balloons and throwing them at people walking by the house.

In the middle of a Michigan January….a/k/a -5000 degrees!!!

I don’t really remember anything past that. I just remember that when I woke up the next morning, not only was I sleeping in a bed with 3 other people BUT there were potato remnants EVERYWHERE!!!!

No one really knows what happened, alls we know is that the potatoes cooked a little too long and possibly exploded. Then Tommy took them out of the microwave all deformed and when I saw them I got sad and said “You killed my potatoes.”

Apparently this was Tommy’s cue to start throwing the dead potato flowers all over the house.

Kayla was a tad pissed in the morning b/c her house was trashed. I was pissed b/c my potatoes were dead.

Yes….we’re a mature lot.

2006-11-27T10:15:00.000-06:00

Oh so much has happened in the past couple of days, but I think the very best story had to occur Saturday, November 17th.

I should probably back up just a little bit and let you know that I am now a Surprise Party Representative. What is a surprise Party you ask? Well it is a home party for women. I bring fun lotions, toys and other fun love stuff. It’s like Tupperware, but a hell of a lot more fun.

Anyway, after my party on Saturday I was really tired and put the “toys” away without taking their batteries out. Of course when I put the demo bin into the car a couple of the toys went off. I, however, did not realize this until after I was driving down the street, but I figured I would just wait until I got to the gas station to do anything.

There was NO ONE on the road when I was driving to I opted to take an illegal U turn. Once I completed said U Turn a Westmont Police Officer was right behind me, pulling me over.

Officer: “License and Registration please.”
Me: “ok”
Office: “ma’am….do you know U Turns are illegal?”

~~slighting buzzing heard in the background…..starts to get louder~~

Me: “Sorry officer.”
O: “Ma’am what is that noise?”

I turn slightly red and being to explain….

“Well, sir…I am a Surprise Party Representative..” I give him my card. “And I sell lotions and fun love toys. Basically, that noise is the vibrators banging against each other and the bin they’re in. I was lazy and forgot to take out the batteries before I put them away.”
Officer: “Um…..ok. Well, I am going to have to check that out. Can you please step out of the vehicle and open the bin making the noise.”

So I get out of the car, open the trunk and proceed to show the officer that the noise is in fact the vibrators and NOT a bomb.”

After dealing with a little blushing, the officer lets me go with a warning and tells me to remember to take the batters out next time. I tell him to pass his car along to his wife or girlfriend.

Oh…it gets better.

So I get to the gas station and while the gas is pumping I am taking the batteries out of the toys. I get all the batteries out and go to put the bin back in the car.

Well, apparently I forgot to put the latch on correctly and the top of the bin opened and penis mints, penis gummies, books on erotic massage (with pictures) and other fun things fell.
As I was picking everything up I noticed that the guy behind me seemed very interested in what I was putting away…..So I handed the lady in his car my card!!!

Basically that weekend taught me to take the batteries out of the toys before I put them away no matter how lazy I am, and make sure all latches are secured before moving a bin.

Fun times….fuuuuuuuuuuuuuuun times…………..

~~if anyone reading this would like to Host a Surpirse Party, feel free to email me at joanie.surprise.party@gmail.com. The parties are for WOMEN only and you must be over 18 years old.

My bad.....

2006-11-16T10:44:00.000-06:00

I’ve been kind of busy recently. My sister had surgery to remove her appendix, and that kind had my mom and I running in circles.

I took Allie to the emergency room on Sunday night thinking she had food poisoning. My mom got there and I went home to finish my homework. The next morning at 5:30 a.m. I got the call from my mom that Allie was in the hospital and would be having surgery later that day.

What my mom needed me to do was come to the hospital, get her keys, move her car, walk Sophie (Allie’s dog) and come back to the hospital. I did all things like a good little girl.

However, there was one snag. When I got to my sister’s condo the key my mom gave me wouldn’t work. I called my mom and she said to use the pliers under the rug to bang it in and turn it.

“Mom, aren’t you afraid this will break in the lock?”

“No, I do it all the time.”

………………..the key broke in the lock. I called the lock smith and he told me he couldn’t come for 4 hours and it would cost about $600.00.

Well, I couldn’t wait because the poor dog had been locked up for over 12 hours and you could hear her crying from inside the condo.

Now before I go on, let me just say I was stressed and worried about my sister AND my mind wasn’t working very well.

Ok back to the lock problem. Anyway, I didn’t know what else to do. So I lowered my shoulder and pushed against the door. I kept doing this until I broke the door in.

Yes, I broke the door.

Now let me just say that the previous owners had done the same thing, so the door frame was pretty jacked up, but none the less once I did it was I like “oh shit, my mom is going to kill me.”

I didn’t tell my mom; instead I called my friends to help me. Thank God for Kate and Dale who came over and helped. Dale fixed the door frame so it would lock and we bought a new deadbolt.

Lesson here is….NEVER listen to my mom about keys and pliers. Also, I have a bruise on my right shoulder and it kind of hurts.

More Craig's Lise Loosers........

2006-11-06T13:35:00.000-06:00

I had a lot of schoolwork to get done this weekend and I was feeling kind of sick, so nothing to exciting happened to me. What that means is that I don’t have anything witty to report on.

However, not wanting to let anyone down (b/c I know you kids thrive on this shit) here is another addition of Craig’s List Losers…….

seeking for my soul! – 28
I AM VERY RESPONSIBLE, I AM LOVING , CARING, DEPENDABLE, PASSIONATE, I AM REALISTIC I SEE LIFE AS IT COMES I LIKE TO TAKE A DETERMANATION, ENJOY EVERY MOMENT OF LIFE, I LOVE TO LIFE LIFE TO THE FULLEST, BUT JUST MISSING THAT SPECIAL SOMEONE TO FILL MY HEART, I HAVE BEEN THROUGH ALOT AND ALSO BEEN HURT SO I KNOW STILL HOW TO FACE LIFE STRONG AND FACE THE THINGS AS THEY COME SO IF YOU DID IT I HAVE BEEN THROUGH THAT, JUST BE SINCERE SINCE THE BEGINING, IF YOU ARE SERIOUS LOOKING FOR A SERIOUS RELATIONSHIP,READY TO BE DETERMINE THEN HOWLER BABY!!! SERIOUS DATING, POSSIBLE LONG TERM

Wow, someone was a little hopped up on something when they write this. Was it really necessary to use ALL caps? Why are you yelling? Also, I notice that the love affair started after you wrote the title. Speaking of the title, um does it remind anyone else of something that could be an episode of Charmed? Seeking for my soul? OK, right. This is also the longest run on sentence, and it doesn’t make much sense. However, if you like this add…don’t forget to HOWLER at cha boy.

Looking for a woman to share good times...and more - 38
Heyy Are you there ?..lol.....I am 38 East Indian descent -....well settled......looking for a friend first...you must be below 32 - East Indian - Caucasian - or a wheatish Afro-Am.......must have gone beyond High School....should make good conversation.......We will go out to nice reataurants, concerts, movies....generally have a good time......and go form there.......I am looking for a NO DRAMA ...cool..no pressure relationship ...which is beautiful for both of us.......email me your details....your pix gets mine...:D

Your first sentence wasn’t funny, don’t “lol” it.

I can overlook the “below 32” because I can figure he means younger and not colder, but when he says he wants a “wheatish Afro Am,” I wonder if he wants someone light skinned or someone you could make a sammich on. I keep reading this and hearing Borat’s voice in my head. “Want wheatish woman….VERY NICE.” (it’s not funny if you haven’t see the movie…..sorry.)

Intelligent, Manly 33WM seeks Woman 50+ - 33
I once had a relationship with a woman in her 50s. I miss the intellectual and sensual excitement of involvement with a woman who isn't timid or apologetic for enjoying a youthful man. I don't know if you're out there, but if you're over 50 and enjoy the company of younger men, please drop me a line. Thanks!

SOMEONE has mommy issues!!! That or he just saw the graduate one to many times. ” And here’s to you Mrs. Robbinson…….”

LOOK FOR A GREEK-AMERICAN LADY ,FROM GREEK MAN – 49
PLEASE WRITE ME AND TALK IS BEST FISH IS HERE EYXARISTO-TY

I don’t know what this means, but I now have the sudden urge for some Saganaki. (Which is probably spelled wrong, I don’t care.)

Married guy seeks female daytime play partner - 37
wouldnt it be great to be with someone who whom you can have some little daytime escapes? i am married so I need to be discreet. I am very passionate - poetry, music, food and more. i need a little excitement in my life and would like to help you have some too.

OK, there’s nothing really funny about this post. This guy, and other likes him, are just creeps. Really! Posting on Craig’s list so you can cheat on your wife! Sick. (and women who do this are just as bad)

I always wonder though about these people. Can you imagine posting it and getting a response. You and this mystery woman swap emails for a while and then agree to meet for some afternoon delight. So you pick a day, time and hotel. Once you are there you get your key and walk to the room. You hear her in there and get excited, open the door and …………………………………IT’S YOUR WIFE!!!!!!!!!!

Now one of two things just happened. You’re both cheating bastards who will have A LOT to talk about. OR…..she caught your ass….sucker.

There was a lifetime movie like this. Some girl became a college call girl. She ended up getting some pretty high rolling johns. One day she went to the hotel and when the door opened it was her FATHER!!!!!!!!!!!!! Yeah, pretty creepy huh.

I laughed my ass off.

Does anyone know this woman? – 41
Please have her contact me if you happen to know her. I wanted to speak with her and was able to at the time. Now she is MIA on Match.com.

STALKER!!!!!! Maybe she went MIA for a reason.

~~Have any of you looked at the actual adds on Craig’s List?? Have you noticed the pictures people post? They’re worse then the actually adds.

~~In other news: Brett says I am too hard on the men, and I should equally pick on the women. I would…..if they were as cracked out. Hmmmm….let me go check.

I Still Don't Get Paid Enough For This Shit

2006-11-01T16:11:00.000-06:00

First let me say that I LOVE GRAD SCHOOL! I really do. I will graduate and become a teacher and finally be able to do something I love and I am great at..

That being said, this 3-4 hour sleep a night shit has to end. Functioning is becoming harder and harder. So I need to get my shit together and get more sleep.

I slept two hours last night. I was doing homework (read: rewriting a 15 page paper over and over and over, and reading a terrible book) and when I looked up at the clock it said 5:00 a.m. RIGHT!!!

So anyway, I am a tad out of it. I would like to thank the lovely ladies at Starbucks who put enough espresso into my coffee to give a blue whale the shakes. It is because of you that I did not fall asleep while driving on the IKE and kill people, and why my leg won’t stop shaking.

This has also made it next to impossible to work on anything, as my mind is dead. I have been to court already to file papers and have talked to about 15 clients, but I really can’t focus more then that.

However warped my mind is, I still have the uncanny ability to be a raging asshole. Aren’t we all glad that that hasn’t been impaired?

So last week boss man took me to lunch and he kept going on and on about his wife and how she hates it every time he brings up one of our clients.

(Side note: She’s a female client. She has a cute voice, but I have never seen her. Boss man wants to set her up with one of his divorced friends.)

B: “I just don’t get why bring up her name bothers my wife so much.”

~at this point and time I had been listening to him say this for about ten minutes…..

Me: “Listen, here’s the deal. It’s because you want to set up your friend with her.”

B: “What does that have to do with anything?”

Me: “ok, here’s the deal. Men set their friends up with women they would sleep with but can’t. It’s the mentality of ‘if I can’t tap that….at least you can and toy can tell me all about it!!’”

B: “Really?”

Me: “Please, don’t play stupid with me. Yes really. So when a guy sets his friends up its like saying ‘I would totally bang this chick if I wasn’t married.’ Your wife sees this as you setting your friend up so that you can vicariously bang our client.”

B: “I think you’re onto something.”

Of course I am. I worry about the Creepy Old Men’s Club because come August 2007 I won’t be here to keep them on track.

Pancakes and Erections

2006-10-24T13:53:00.000-05:00

Yeah, I should be taking the “boss out of the office” time to do some homework, but I’m a little ADD right now. So instead I am going to share a little bit of my weekend with Kennice and Dave.

This past weekend those two assholes came up for a visit, and brought Kennice’s friend Lindsey. I must say that Lindsey faired very well spending the weekend with us. However, I haven’t spoken to them since they were stuck in traffic in Paw Paw, so I am not sure if Lindsey is still speaking to anyone.

Amazingly enough we all managed to stay out of jail or the hospital, so it was a good weekend.

On Sunday we got ready to cheer Allie on during her second Chicago Marathon. (Yeah she did it again; Mom and I are considering a Pysch Consult if she chooses to do it next year.)

We started the morning cheering her on at mile six and then again at mile nine. After mile nine we went to breakfast, joining us was my mom (Deej).

As we were eating breakfast, Deej decided to tell us this interesting story about how weird my sister is.

“When Allie was taking her sleep study courses she found out that men get erections during REM sleep. Well you know Allie only has that one bed in her studio, so when Brent comes to visit they sleep in the same bed. YOU SISTER timed when she figured Brent would go into REM and set her alarm clock for those times. Then she would take the dog out for a walk.”

~~everyone starts laughing~~

Of course because of this we all felt the need to make inappropriate REM comment. A couple minutes later we were paying the bill. Dave owed me from the night before and he offered to pay mine and Deej’s portion since they added up to last night’s total.

“Well mom, looks like Dave is going to take care of you. I guess you’ll have to put out now.”

Without missing a beat my mom responds with, “I’ll just wait until he goes into REM.”

Yep, that’s my mom!!!! If any of you are wondering where I get it……it’s from her. All of it.

Creepy Old Men Part 2

2006-10-18T15:12:00.000-05:00

This is what happens when you are working on something and are half paying attention to the person talking to you….

Friend #1 comes back in looking for boss man. I am trying to get this file done and emailed off prior to 3:00, so I am half listening to him talk at me.

Friend #1: “So, as a single 25 year old….what would it take to get you to go out with an attractive guy who’s almost 40??”

Me not really paying attention: “Tickets to the Bears vs. Packers game on New Years Eve.”

F: “Drinks?”

M: “Yep”

F: “Sex?”

Me making a BAD BAD BAD joke: “depends on how much I have to drink.”

~~Then it hits me what I am saying and that I am not just joking around with my friends.~~

F: “Sounds like a plan, I’ll work on those tickets.”

M: “Ummm….I was KIDDING about the sex.”

F: “Damn…to bad. What about the game.”

M: “I don’t kid about the Bears.”

F: “So if I got tickets you would go with me??”

M: “Yes, but it wouldn’t be a date. It would be me using you for Bears tickets and you being able to tell all your friends lies about what happened.”

F: “And you’re ok with that??”

M: “Look, I want tickets to that game more then anyone has any idea. If it means you telling your friends lies, fine, be pervy old dude. They probably won’t believe you anyway.”

F: “God you’re funny. Ok deal. If I can get tickets we’ll go. I promise not to lie about it to anyone you know.”

M: “Sounds like a plan. For the record, after this game I will never entertain the idea of going out with you again.”

F: “Deal.”

Ok, I would rather go with a friend, someone I actually enjoy spending time with. But we all know I’m going to be 100% focused on the game.

Should I feel dirty??? B/c I don’t. I really want those tickets.

Creepy Old Men

2006-10-17T15:43:00.000-05:00

“The first meeting of the Middle Aged Men’s’ Dating Club can now come to order.”

Ok, so that wasn’t exactly what was said in the office yesterday afternoon but it should have been.

Yesterday, my boss, his two friends and a client were having a detailed (creepy) conversation about middle aged dating. Sam*, the guy in my office, was listening from his desk and not taking part in the conversation as his wife would probably kill him.

Let’s meet the characters:

Boss: In his 50s, married with a kid but thinks he is a real life Casanova.

Friend 1: In his late thirties, attractive, never married, no children and seems to have an interesting dating life.

Friend 2: In his middle to late 40s, not chewed on but no Brad Pitt, divorced, two kids and apparently is having some trouble in his love life.

Client: In his middle to late 40’s, also not chewed and definitely not Brad Pitt, divorced, two kids and recently engaged.

So these gentlemen are sitting around my boss’s desk talking about the perils of dating and I am sitting at my desk (behind all this) trying not to listen. Unfortunately, my ears work very well and they are being loud.

The topic of the meeting apparently was why women/girls in their mid to late twenties do not want to date guys their ages.

So I am doing a pretty good job at ignoring the group when I heard this:

Friend 1: “I don’t have any problem meeting chicks. I mean I do most of it at the bars in Chicago, but I’m not really looking for anything long term.”

Friend 2: “It used to bother me, but then I realized that the reason they won’t go for it is because they’re afraid.” Snickering from the “men.” “No really! When they look at guys like us they see a nice stable guy who has potential for a real commitment.”

Client: “Good point.”

At the same time our client was giving his male support I apparently made a face along with a “yeah right” type sound.

Boss: “Dear, and I mean dear in a strictly professional manner, you’re of that age what’s you impute.”

Me: “Oh, no. I’m going to bow out of this little sharing circle.”

Client: “No really, we want your opinion. It will be first hand knowledge, straight from the source.”

Me: “No you really don’t want me to answer that question.”

This goes on for a little bit longer before I cave and give in.

“Ok, now I know you’re all really great guys…BUT….the reason that someone MY age probably won’t date someone like you has nothing to do with commitment. It has to do with the fact that you are TWENTY years older then I am AND you have kids, and not just little kids. Your kids are closer to my age then you are.”

Friend 2: “REALLY?!”

Me: “Yeah, plus the minute a guy your ages comes up to us at a bar we’re already laughing and making ‘creepy old guy’ and ‘he’s my dad’s age’ type comments.”

Client 1, laughing: “Harsh! Oh well, sorry guys.”

Me: “While we’re being honest. You’re not much better. You’re almost forty, single and hitting on women 15 years younger. Plus most of the time we date older guys b/c they’re more mature, but older is like 5 years older. Anything around 15-20 plus years older we’re dating because they have money and we’re hoping they die and leave everything to us. Anna Nicole style.”

Everyone laughed at the last comment. Sadly, I was only half joking.

The conversation shifted away from me (since I don’t think they liked what I was saying).

Sadly, soon the topic went to sex, and I was getting kind of sick.

Have you ever been around middle aged men talking about sex?? Especially sex with young women?? Their current conquest and desires??

Well, lucky you because I had to sit through it and so I decided to take action.

Me: "Do you realize this is sexual harassment?"

Friend #2 "How is this sexual harassment?"

Me: "Well, technically its b/c your making me feel threatened / uncomfortable but honestly......it's b/c I'm afraid that after hearing about your sex life I will never again be able to have one of my own without getting ill."

Yes…..I know….I’m an asshole.

Shortly thereafter the meeting was adjourned and the men dispersed with the plan to creep out young women all over Chicago, and I got back to researching what mind altering drugs would be able to erase this conversation from my memory.

Do You Have Your Cuddle Pants???

2006-10-13T15:52:00.001-05:00

Been a while hasn’t it??? Yeah, between work, school and studying I have little time to be witty and entertaining. Plus, I’ve actually been very busy at work and nothing to funny has happened.

However last night I hung out with Erica, which is always entertaining.

While having drinks at the Gin Mill we entertained ourselves and Paul, but mostly ourselves, with stories of our hockey days. And by hockey days I mean the nights we spent being assholes at hockey games.

Some of the fun times remembered:

One of the hockey players once referred to his sweatpants as his “cuddle pants,” Erica and I proceeded to make it our mission to refer to him as cuddle pants all the time. This included heckling him at the games. He even asked our friend WHY those two girls he hangs out with call him cuddle pants….

One guy on the team had a dad who worked as a recruiter for the Carolina Hurricanes. Coincidently, said player AND about half the team were drafted by the Hurricanes.

Hockey hair, mullets, were all the rage halfway through the year.

Erica and I took this information and made a cheer. Unfortunately, you will not know the tune of the cheer but here are the lyrics. I would say the first part and she would give an answer or repeat. Erica’s parts are done in italics.

“Are those not your CUDDLE PANTS??”
“YES THESE ARE MY CUDDLE PANTS!!!!”
“Whose Dad works for Carolina?”
“TROY’S DAD WORK FOR CAROLINA!!!”
“Do you eat your vegetables??”
“YES I EAT MY VEGETABLES!!!”

BROCCOLI!!
BROCCOLI!!
NEPOTISM!!!
NEPOTISM!!!
CUDDLEPANTS!!
CUDDLEPANTS!!!

Brad Fast……get a haircut!! (snap fingers) (said by all)

Yeah, it doesn’t seem that funny on paper, but when its live its so much better. Or at least we think its funny, and Paul laughed. (Well….he had been drinking)

We also reminisced about showing up to the MSU vs U of M hockey game completely wasted and almost getting thrown out of the Slap Shots. They wrote a strongly worded letter to us the next day.

~~~~ Look, I’m shaking I’m so scared.~~~

Look, its hockey. Grow a pair cupcake. As I remember I told the girl in charge (who was a bitch and hated us. Probably b/c we were always leading the fun cheers and she was a acne prone bitch who no one liked.) “Listen….its hockey. There’s mean things said and swearing. Grow a pair and cheer like a real fan…or shut the fuck up and go watch golf.”

Then there was the time we went to College Night at the Joe to see MSU play scum and the guy behind us was yelling nasty things about our school and us, at one point and time he called us “bitches” and “sluts.”

Finally I turn around to him and was like “HEY MULLET!! Yeah you! Listen, don’t insult my education because we all know that the bigger the mouth on the u of m fan, the less likely they were to have gone there.”

He starts to defend himself.

“Well, did you? No? Yeah didn’t think so. Now stop calling us bitches before I tell security you’re harassing innocent young women and they send your ass home to the trailer.”

We relived these and other memories as we were playing our own version of hockey at the Mill; which was just Erica and I flicking ice cubes at each other to “score” while Paul drank more and probably hoped the insanity wasn’t contagious.

2006-09-07T13:15:00.000-05:00

Since lack of sleep and recent events have left me lacking the ability to be funny on my own, I will now grace you with some more Craig’s List personal adds…..

One Last Kiss~27
I'm marrying my high school sweetheart in October, and consider myself extremely fortunate to be doing so. But we've never been with anyone else at all, romantically speaking, which makes us both feel like losers. So we've given each other permission to kiss one person, one time, before the blessed day, so we can at least say we ventured outside the fold briefly. We're just not telling each other the details, although i'm sure it will come out one day. The only rule is that it's just a kiss, nothing further, and a sweet one at that. So if you'd consider being the last kiss for a cute, soon-to-be happily married guy and occupy a special place in his memory, please send me a note about yourself and photo and I hope to hear from you soon.

This add should really be called: Will be Getting Divorced in 6 Months When I Find Her in Bed With Another Woman.

Your Household Chores Done *Free!* (ok, small catch) - 28
Cute, fit, funny and handy guy will do any household chore in exchange for a good handjob. That's it, nothing further asked. I'm always a gentleman, your discretion is assured. Need that track lighting installed? Oven cleaned? Tile replaced? Cabinet mounted? Hard drive backed up? Driveway paved? All done until completion, and with a smile, as long as you do the same. Serious inquiries only and thanks!

Is this like prostitution??? Or is this what the people in government had in mind when they drafted all that Free Trade stuff??

However, I wonder if he is related to this guy…………..

I'll Fix Your Computer if You Let Me Feel Your Boobs – 27
Cute IT guy/PC specialist will fix your computer in exchange for a quick feel of your boobs. I'm a totally non-creepy professional who will repair your hard drive, back up files, install software and peripherals, whatever, for an innocent grope. I have a lot of tech knowledge in my life and regrettably no boobs. Serious inquiries only and thanks.

“I’m totally non-creepy…” WHAT?? You are posting an add on Craig’s List seeing if anyone out there will let you feel their boobs!

Imagine that. I can’t imagine letting the IT guy in my office feel me up when he was done fixing the hard drive on the computer. By the end of it both hard drives would be up and working. Oh Jesus, I just made myself sick………

Free Victoria's Secret Shopping Spree with Cute Guy! - 27
hi -- i'm a cute, funny, shockingly normal guy who has always had a fantasy about spontaneously taking a fun, easygoing girl to victoria's secret to buy her cool underwear, no strings attached. so for one time only i'm looking for someone who fits the bill, who'd like to go shopping for some cute new stuff, i'd say the budget is around $300 for the right person. nothing creepy, nothing else suggested. if we agree to go for it we meet someplace in public (mostly so you can make sure i'm not a total weirdo), then go to VS for a day of shopping, then we go our separate ways. you get a bag full of cute new undies and i get a big smile on my face. the proverbial win-win situation. drop me a line if you'd like to be the one and thanks.

Is 27-ish the new age for turning into a creepy pervert? Because so far it appears that way. So basically, this guy will take you shopping at VS as long as he can sit in the dressing room with you with his hands down his pants?? How isn’t this creepy?? This add makes me feel dirty….i need to go home and shower now. Ick. Ick. Ick.

Here Kitty Kitty Kitty :) - 33
Hello there ladies. I am 33 year old white professional male who is discreet, courteous and respectful. I live on the North Side of Chicago. I have to admit that I just LOVE to lick the kitty and make a woman feel fantastic. If you are sexy, and need your tasty p***y licked and s****d, email me back or fine me on Yahoo IM (screen name mstr_hoo). Talk to you soon.

Maybe I should have taken his screen name off, but he posted it on GRAIG’S LIST!!!!!!!!! Wow. I wonder if he’s like the other “kitty” guy. Where do these people come from? I guess this is better then the guy who wants to watch you try on panites or Mr. IT feel you up! This is kind of like Mr. Hand Job, but us ladies get all the sexual healing. He’s very blunt, and honestly kind of scary.

massage and stroke – 36
looking for find a fun and sexy female that justs wants to chill, smoke a little weed and than get a killer massage. i'm v cute, fit, athletic build, tall and fun.

Is it after all the weed that we’re going to have the stroke or during??? Ok, I know I am not one to point fun at spelling errors or hitting the wrong key, but the “R” is nowhere near the “M.” What am I saying, this guy was probably high when he typed this, we’re lucky he didn’t go off on a tangent about the memorable 3 a.m. Taco Bell date he’d take the lucky lady on.

By the way, you’re on Craig’s List trying to get a date b/c you’re almost 40 and still smoking weed like a 21 year old frat boy.

Office Job-- temporary - $$$ - 39
Temp office position open, about 2-3 days work, great to earn some extra spending $$$. You should be available to work right away. Standard office attire is tank top (no bra) and shorts or mini, sandals. Would help if you're cute, fun, flirty.

Would also help if you don’t pay any attention to those pesky sexual harassment laws or have any self respect.

~~~aaahhhh…..more to come…….

I’m honestly considering writing one up (FAKE) and seeing if I get any responses!!

Brian Griese and the Beast Master......

2006-09-01T14:01:00.000-05:00

There are two things that I know I should be ashamed to admit………….

First: My transition from pretty boys (Jonathan Brandis, NKOTB, etc.) was the 1997/1998 U of M football season. That’s the year I fell in love with Brian Griese, and I was 15 years old.

I know what you’re thinking, “but Joanie….you HATE u of m.”

I hate them now, back then I was an impressionable teenager. My aunt (who was more like my sister) went to U of M at the time and I wanted to be just like her.

I grew out of that, went to the better school (SPARTY ON!!!) and I love my Spartans, but I still think Brian Griese is a hottie.

Not gonna lie, he got me out of the pretty boy stage and into the BIG mudgy real guy stage. Thank you Brian Griese, thank you.

If it wasn’t for you and your mudgyness (which is more muscle then pudge) I might still be into guys that would borrow my jeans and spent more time getting ready then I did.

However, it is also your fault that I fell for and dated the hockey stud in college and made out with the freakishly tall and mudgy (more pudge then mudge) rugby guy in Ireland. (and by made out I mean I do it every time I go to Ireland.)

Second, when we were in high school I used to watch the Beast Master on UPN.

Yep, I know I should be ashamed of that fact, but I am not.

First off, I am not talking about the 1988 movie with Gov. Arnie, no….I’m talking the T.V. show with Daniel Goddard.

This is the Beast Master (hey he could master my beast any day!! what?? was that wrong??):

He was like a bigger and less stoned Gavin Rossdale. Who had tiger instead of a guitar.

For the life of me I can not tell you what that show was supposed to be about or who the other characters were. I can just tell you that I spent one hour each Saturday have very dirty and un-catholic like thoughts about this man.

Friday's Random Thoughts

2006-09-01T13:33:00.000-05:00

Last night we watched DA BEARS game at BDubs. At one point and time Kate and I were coming back from the bathroom and we had to walk through this see of guys. They were all tall, pretty, dressed sharply and smelled expensive. They screamed Frat boy…..they were probably BETAs. (Having dated one on and off for 2 yrs and one of my really good friends being one…I can sniff them out.)

The second time I went to the washroom one of them stopped me and said. “You look like a fun lady. My buddy here, do you like his shirt like it is……or with his collar popped?”

Me: “Are you serious?”
BETA: “yeah. What do you think?”
Me: “Well that depends, which one of you guys is his boyfriend?”

The rest of them laughed, but I don’t think Einstein who was asking the questions got it. I love BDubs, it reminds me of college!!!

DA BEARS won!!!!!!!!!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Later that night while checking in on Nicole’s kitties I fell asleep on the couch. I fell asleep watching the lame MTV VMAs, and as a result I had the weirdest dream.

I was on a sail boat with Justin Timberlake. He was in his typical Frat boy type outfit and I was wearing my long black formal dress. (Please don’t ask)

We were standing there drinking wine when I suddenly said: “No Justin, I’M brining sexy back…..”

Apparently I am a tool in my dreams.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A couple of weeks ago I received a very interesting phone call from my mom:

“JOANIE!!! I just read in a magazine that the number one survey for men…..and this was from real men surveyed……was when a girl is a 1st grade teacher. Good thing you started graduate school!”

Thanks mom. I’m so glad we have our priorities straight.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Kayla thinks I should respond to some of the personal ads. Go on dates with the weirdoes and write about it

Sure I should risk being kidnapped and kept in a closet by some lonely desperate psycho so when I am finally found alive I can use it to entertain you assholes.

NO thank you!

Tie Me UP, Tie Me Down.......

2006-08-31T15:31:00.000-05:00

In case you thought it couldn’t get better…………..

catholic boy seeks technical virgin for shameful humping – 29
Looking for a girl who is obsessed with sex and does "everything but" - preferably an actual technical virgin but a post-slut will be considered. Should also be into bataille, mid-century modern furniture, and time consuming headgames about guilt over enjoying sex so long as we still get to do it in the butt every day - afterwards we can even go to confession.

I don’t think you could have made-up anything better then this one. Honestly, this might be my favorite. Sadly, due to the fact that parents today are to scared to talk about sex and Sex Education in schools is a joke now……..there are a LOT of girls out there who can be conned into this.

“Hey baby, as long as I can’t get you pregnant it’s not sex, you’ll still be a virgin.”
“Really??”
“Yean, now get on your knees and say “aaahhhh” when you’re done with that, turn around.”

ARE THERE ANY CUTE GIRLS THAT ENJOY 420 AND ARE CUTE???? – 26

Opposed to all those cute girls out there that enjoy 420 and are ugly, right?? Right Cheech, go back to your bedroom and roll another fatty.

ATTENTION: Read the following with your crappiest peppy le pu accent. Thank you.

Frenchman for a Lady Special - 23
Welcome, I have just arrived here in Chicago from small town in the North of France, and looking for a lady different and special to have supper with me. She must be very beautiful, and she must move with grace. She must be mannered. Many have said that Frenchmen are the best for pleasing their lady. This I think is true. I will make you happy and teach you many things. You will never be afraid. Many have said that my sexiest part is my lip. I do not know, this is for my lady special to judge. Look at it in this photo. My lady special will have many more sexy parts than me.

Please go on www.craigslist.org the Chicago page and find this guy. CREEPY!! And I am sure that something was lost in the translation and every time he wrote “she” or “lady” he meant “he” and “guy.” Although the phrase “Lady Special” is cracking me up.

STRONG younger woman needed - 36
I am a decent looking, financially secure, fun guy. I am looking for a female in their young 20's who is strong, confident and can assume the role of boss. I am eager to meet such a person and I am able to spoil the right person. I like shopping and fine dining and I go to lots of parties. I am flexible on how dominant you may be.....

In case you were wondering, this means that he wants to be dominated in bed. We’re talking dominatrix and making dress in leather and clean your floors with his tongue.

His mother was probably a HUGE bitch and he can only be aroused when being abused. If he was a woman he would be the perfect match for Mr. Spanky form the previous post.

Or apparently this guy……………

Male Spanking Switch Looking For Female Partner – 50
Retired executive looking for an older lady who likes to spank and be spanked on a regular basis. No sex required or expected but that's your call. Mornings and afternoons available.

They really need to change the name of this from Craig’s list to guys who want to be spanked.

I’m a little confused. This guy says NO sex required to expected. So, um….he just wants to be spanked??? Is this what our parents do when they retire?

Yep, I just made myself sick.

make me an offer – 30
i need a wife. i am 5´4´´, nice and carrying. i think is time to start a family. if marriage is an option for u, tell me what do u expect from this type of relationship.

Again with the honesty. I need a wife, I’m sort…..please someone do me. Listen buddy. Go online to www.womenwhowillmarryyouforagreencard.com and find that special women.

When the kids ask how mommy and daddy met, you can tell them it was love at first payment of $29.99.

Meet me tonight at Durkins Tavern at Halstead and Diversey
Hey I am at Durkins Tavern right now and am writing and doing some work-they have wi-fi! I will be here until about midnight. Anyone care to join in on a beer and a burger or salad? Peace Ron

OK seriously, I go to Durkin’s. We went there ALL the time after softball b/c they sponsored us. I saw a guy working on his laptop and I remember thinking, “WHO does that???”

Well apparently Ron does that, and next time I might approach him and be like “So RON…..how’s getting chicks on Craig’s List treating you??”

But only after a couple of car bombs.

DO GOTH CHICKS LIKE CASH?
Wealthy, very generous, conservative looking 40's, divorced white male, no children, seeks weekly dates. Serious Only

I think this is my old Science teacher, but now he’s willing to pay for it.

Shy Guy Seeks Sexually Aggressive Female - 37
I'm a shy guy who has a lot of trouble meeting women. I've not had sex or any girlfriends in many years and have just about given up. I am seeking a sweet, compassionate, gentle, caring woman to show me some of what I've been missing in and out of the bedroom. I've obviously disease free and safe, looking for a woman who prefers safe sex to risky sex and who prefers the company of shy intelligent beta men to the company of cocky outgoing alpha male jerks.

Ladies and Gentlemen, may I introduce you to the REAL 40 year old VIRGIN!!!!

PLEASE BE ADVISED: The post made baby Jesus cry……..

hey chubby hipster girl, let me lick your ass while you fall asleep – 28
bonus points if you are short, cranky, jewish / persian / uzbek and wear chunky nerd glasses (you won't have to wear the glasses to bed). not looking for any kind of reciprocal arrangement, just a lady who from time to time would enjoy having a man lick her ass while she fell asleep. good hygeine a must. sleepover optional. "420" would be cool. liking bands like acid mothers temple or composers like steve reich would make this a special experience for me. if you wanted to put on a lake of dracula record, tie me up and plow me with a strap-on that would be cool too, but that should probably be the subject of another ad. i'm late 20's, nerdy (actually nerdy, not some poser art school casualty), thin, sane and ok with my sexuality, a good conversationalist (if that's relevant).

I hope to GOD this is fake. PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE let this be something someone made up b/c they were trying to be funny.

I really don’t think that one can be topped. For now at least.

It Could Always Be Worse

2006-08-31T11:45:00.000-05:00

Sometime ago one of my roommates (I have two now) was bored and was reading the personals on Craig’s List. We found some funny ones that had us laughing.

Since I was on hold with Cook County (aka…sitting on hold for 30 min) I decided to check out those personals.

The following are some of the funniest and oddest things I have ever read. They have also reminded me that as far as dating goes, it could be A LOT worse. So sit back and enjoy!

YES, I Spank! ~32
I think it's imperative for a happy, loving marriage. Though I know that limits my dating options, I won't see a woman unless she understands the importance of discipline within the confines of a healthy relationship.

…………..Ok, first off let me say that I applaud his sense of kinkiness. However, as I am all for a little spanking or a little handcuff action, (what?? Was that to much info???) the part that scares me is the “importance of discipline.”

Honestly, I have a really strong feeling that this guy has a dungeon in his house. Filled with whips, paddles with spikes, gags, and all that scary leather stuff you can find in S&M shops. At the very least he has a giant wooden box under his bed where he is going to keep whomever answers this add.

One Time Offer!!! ~46
Another year, another try. Me - Professional, 5'10" athletic, blue eyes, brown hair. Good looking. Divorced, daughter in college. Looking for a fun, outgoing lady. If this is you send a picture.

Um, if this is “another try” something tells me that it’s not a one time offer. Don’t try to make it sound like Brad Pitt is posting on Craig’s list to find someone to go see a ball game with, and this is our only shot at going with him. Morons.

Take Away My Loneliness. ~25
I never thought 25 would be the loneliest time of my life! Everyone is after something that I am not. I know I'm not the most handsome guy, but I still have a heart and it's like even when I respond to ads I can never even get a kind response back. But I'll keep trying.

This is NOT the way to pick up women. We don’t like whiney men who are ONLINE saying how sad they are to be alone. The only person you MIGHT pick up with this is a 45 year old divorced librarian who has 20 cats and rents out her basement to that weird guy who smells like cheese. However, chances are even she would rather date cheese man then respond to you.

chat or phone NOW? - 31
Tall attractive and impatient. Send me an email and lets get started.

$10.00 says he’s a two pump chump and was on Ritalin when he was a kid.

Seeking women with herpes – 21
Seeking a women with herpes. Fun, attractive guy here. Pic for pic, no pic no reply

At least he’s honest.

Ugly Guys Need Love Too!! – 37
If you're into intelligence, sense of humor, character and personality more than you are into looks we could be a good match because when it comes to looks, I don't have any. If you're blind and reading this, we could be a match as well. All I'm asking is you are female but I have no laundry list and would love to hear from and meet just about anyone who isn't cruel and who doesn't mind I'm not a "hot guy".

Ok, again honesty is good but sometime one shouldn’t go to far with it at first. If this guy wanted to let us now he was no Gavin Rossdale, then he could have just said so. By writing what he did I am now imagining this guy looks like Sloth from the Goonies. Also, if the girl is blind……she’s not reading this.

Cat Daddy~41
48 years old blue collar job house car all my teeth all my hair never in jail seeking kitty to meow with tell me if you have been declawed

Ummmmm…..ooookkkkk.

Labor Day BBQ’s and Fun
i'm invited to a few barbecues this weekend and hoping to bring a lovely young woman to hang out with me and my wonderful friends. you are guaranteed a good time! drop me a line and tell me more about you ...

a/k/a: I have lied to all my friends and family about finally having a girlfriend. I’m going beg you to go along with the lie and asking you to pretend to be “Susie”. I will give you the back story.

Chances are I am going to show up in a X-Files: Trust No One shirt and am the cheese guy who lives with the cat woman.

I'd like to understand you – 22

Ok buddy, let me tell you right now…..you will NEVER understand us. I have been a female for my whole life and I don’t always understand. Get off the computer, go outside, meet a nice girl and do what every other man does…..listen, lie about us not looking fat, and complain about not understanding us to your friends.

(I only posted the title b/c he goes on for 5 paragraphs about being alone and wanting to be with someone. Blah, blah, blah.)

~~Ok I am stopping this for now. I actually have to get some work done……plus I am laughing so hard at some of these that people are starting to stare.

Oh and there were some great pictures, but I didn’t want to post them. Mostly b/c as funny as they were….they left me with a creepy feeling that I would be reposting pics of someone who should be registered on a sex offender list somewhere.

Another Reason Why I Drink......

2006-08-30T12:18:00.000-05:00

I don’t know who I’ve pissed off. Be it God, Buddha, Allah, mother earth, spirits, Zenu, or whomever……..but someone or something is out to get me.

I can deal with the fact that my boss is going to drive me crazy on a daily basis.

I can deal with the fact that until I graduate from graduate school I will be broke as a joke.

I can even deal with the fact that it is easier to find a Unicorn sitting at the bar having a Labette Blue Light then it is to meet a decent single straight guy in Chicago.

However, everyone has their braking point and I hit it today.

My mom gave me the Honda. The Honda is 12 years old and has 180,000 miles on it. (My aunt had it up at U of M, I had it at State, Allie had it at Northern). It’s a great car, but we wanted the brakes checked out.

I learned this morning that sometime in the near future I will need to spend about $1,000.00 on new brakes. This is in addition to the $7,000.00 + we have already put into the car in the 8 years we have owned it.

OK, that made me sick to my stomach, but again…..I could deal.

As I was leaving the auto care place I realized it was hot inside the Honda, so it hit the window down button….and the fricken window FELL DOWN INTO THE DOOR!!!!!!!!!

I wasn’t even out of the stupid parking lot. So, I pull the car back into the auto garage and walk up to the nice man who checked me out.

Seriously people, I heard the carnie music as I the window was falling into the car. It kind of happened in slow motion, and when it happened I knew it was going to be an expensive window.

While all this is happening, my boss is on the phone bitching at me…b/c that’s what I needed. Look buddy. In August you took three vacations, give me this 1 ½ hrs ok!!

The mechanic tells me they can get the window back up, and if it needs to…tape it to hold it up.

It took 35 minutes for the mechanic to take the inside of my door up, try and get the window up, get the window up and tape it. Then he comes over and tells me that the part that is broken (fancy word for the part that makes the window go up and down) will cost me $300.00 without labor.

So we’re looking at another $1,500.00. Deej has informed me it’s not worth it and we’re going to try and sell the car.

For the time being I am going to be using the Explorer, but eventually we’re hoping to trade in the two Explorers, Honda and my mom’s Sable and get two gas efficient cars.

When that happens I will be signing my sole over to my mother in blood. I will never be able to say no when she asks for something again. EVER.

By the way, all of this happened before 10:00 a.m. If you need me, I am going to be at the bar……….

…………..with the unicorn.

I should apologize now…....

2006-08-29T15:24:00.000-05:00

You know those stupid surveys you get via email??? Ever fill them out?? Yeah me too.

Well here’s another stupid one, and I am board so I am posting it. Don’t laugh to hard. Oh and I decided it was to long, so I took out some of them…..only left the funny ones. That’s why the numbers are all jacked up.

1. do you sleep with your closet doors open or closed?
closed, with so many gay friends I am afraid of who is going to come out of it.

2. do you take the shampoo & conditioner bottles from hotel rooms?
yes, but more importantly I steal cool beer glasses from bars.

3. have you ever 'done it' in a hotel room?
yes, and at one point the person next door asked us to keep it down.

4. have you ever stolen a street sign before?
yes, drunk in Ireland. My irish friends did it all the time so it was kind of an initiation. The sign was in Gaelic.

5. do you like to use post-it notes?
you have no idea. I have an obsession. When I was house manager in my sorority I left post-it notes EVERYWHERE!!! “do the dishes” “move your car” It was obnoxious!

7. would you rather be attacked by a big bear or a swarm of bees?
A big bear. I might be able to survive a mauling. However, I am allergic to bees and would 100% end up like Thomas J in “My Girl.” “His glasses!!! He can’t see without his glasses!!!”

19. is it okay for guys to wear pink?
hmm, I don’t know. I’ll go ask his boyfriend.

21. whats your favorite scary movie?
Exorcist and Stigmata. When I was younger my dad’s girlfriend let us play with a Ouija board. When my mom found out (Irish Catholic woman) she flipped and put my sister and I in her room, put on the Exorcist, turned off the lights and said “Play with it again and this will happen to you.”

I have never touched one since.

22. where would you bury hidden treasure if you had some?
at Tiffany’s and other stores, and by bury I mean spend.

25. what is your favorite food/cuisine?
POTATOES!!!!!!!!!

26. what movies could you watch over and over and still love?
The Wedding Date and Miracle

28. were you a boy/girl scout?
I was a brownie for 3 weeks, but it was the same time at CCD and CCD was more important.

38. when you were a kid what did you dress up as for halloween?
one year I was a hockey player, one year I was a Bears player and then the following year I remembered I was a GIRL and I was a princess for 3 years and then a witch. (She’s a witch....BURN HER!!!)

40. how many languages can you speak?
englis, drunk and child

43. are you stubborn?
I read this as “are you STILLBORN.” Yeah I would say I am a tad stubborn. My mother and friends would say that I was a little more then tad.

47. sing in the car?
it’s a good thing the weather is getting colder, b/c my windows will be up and the noise pollution will stop.

50. ever used a gun?
not yet, but I know the first person I’ll shoot.
I mean NO.

54. ever eat a pierogie?
they’re made with potatoes. Do you have to ask?

56. occupations you wanted to be when you were a kid?
I wanted to be the first female football coach for the Chicago Bears!

58. ever have a deja-vue feeling?
all the time….but not now

105. are you good with kids?
Yeah, I’m like the piped piper of children. Honestly, they love me and I love them. At Nicole’s wedding I spent a lot of dance floor time with the ring bearer and flower girl. (they were waaaaaaaaay to cute) I’m not sure if that was a good thing though, as Joanie was a tad drunkie drunkie. Oh well as someone put, its not like I gave my glass of wine to the kids and was like “hold it until Auntie Joanie is thirsty!”

Tonight I might be seeing SNAKES ON A PLANE!!!! And by seeing I mean watching it between my fingers as snakes creep me out.

Random Things You Do Not Care About

2006-08-25T16:05:00.000-05:00

Totally random, but I really like Salt n’ vinegar chips.

I do, and I had the best when I was in Ireland. My friend took me to this bar and we ordered them. WOW!!! They were so good. There were so sour they made my eyes water.

I loved it.

I also really like Peanut Butter and Picklelilly smammiches. Sweet picklelilly is better then dill, but both will do.

My grams made them for me. She is also the one who called it picklelilly. Most people call it relish.

Other weird and random things, b/c they say the first step to recovery is admitting you have the problem:

~I like things in even numbers. At times this borders on OCD.
~I like to reread parts of certain books to put me in a good mood.
~I’ve babysat so much I know almost all the theme songs to the Nick Jr. shows
~I know almost every Veggie Tale song
~I know a LOT of random things……test me
~I only have to hear a song a couple times to know almost every word. My specialty is rap.
~When I was younger I was convinced my grandpa was Mr. Clean b/c they looked alike.
~I HATED Monty Python and the Holy Grail the first time I saw it; now its one of my favorite movies.
~My friends tell me I say Chicago funny
~according to Kate I create funny Joanie-isms with my spelling errors. Example: shellfish bish.
~I can do an American version Irish Car Bomb in 3 seconds……I can do a real Irish Car Bomb in about 5.

OK that was fun. I’m sure there are more seeing as though I am an amazingly diverse person.

Yes, I meant to put diverse and not perverse. Assholes.

OK!! I am off to get ready for the BEARS GAME!!!!!!!!!! YEAH!!!!!!!!!!!!! THANK YOU BABY JESUS, its football time!!!!

(I realize no one cared about the above…I was just bored….just laugh at it ok…..you know I’m funny as hell.)

My Preteen Love

2006-08-25T10:24:00.000-05:00

In 1993 I was 12 years old and I had the BIGGEST crush on Jonathan Brandis. Honest to God, I loved him.

He was in all the Tiger Beat and teen magazines (along with the other love of my life, Kirk Cameron), and they were all over my walls.

Does anyone remember Sea Quest??? Because I do, and I think my mom does. God knows if we weren’t home five minutes before that show started it would be all out war.

Jonathan Brandis - Sea Quest Pilot

How cute was he? I love that smarmy attitude and rugged good looks.

My sister and I even fought over who got to like him, because we were not allowed to like the same guy. I mean come on, if I let her like Jonathan Brandis too what would happen the day he came to the door looking for a girlfriend??? Think about this people! It would cause MAJOR family drama.

So I came up with a plan. I would get Jonathan Brandis and Allie would get Jonathan Taylor Thomas. The trick to this was to make sure Allie actually thought that I liked JTT. She fell for it.

Now if you’re reading this and don’t understand why this was such an important thing, and why we couldn’t share….then you: A) never were a preteen/teenage girl and/or B) never had a little sister that had to do EVERYTHING you do.

Honestly, to truly understand the importance of this compromise I really think you had to be a 12 year old girl who was under the greatest of thinkings that one day you would be Mrs. Jonathan Brandis.

I think that torch flamed for a long time. While all my girlfriends were interested in those stinky smelly boys we actually went to school with…..my heart belonged to Jonathan Brandis. Ahhh the memories.

As cute as he was I can only look back on some of my childhood crushes and wonder what kind of drugs my mom was slipping into the Mac and Cheese.

Think about it. New Kids on the Bock??? Jonathan Brandis??? Kirk Cameron?? These pretty boys are a far cry from the guys I like now.

Oh well, to be young and obsessed. I sometimes wonder how rich I would be if I would have saved the money rather than spending it on the 20 Tiger Beat type magazines I bought a week.

I mean really, how many posters that have stple marks down the middle does a girl really need???

(by the way, the boss is out of town and I have already finshed all my work for the day, which means there might be about 10000000 more posts. Although I've said that before and then done nothing.....so we'll see)

Jenna Jameson has NOTHING on Kayla

2006-08-24T11:20:00.000-05:00

I might just be the most boring person in the world, or at least out of my friends.

Seriously, lately I have been talking to these people and they’re doing wild and crazy things, while the wildest thing I’ve done is hit the snooze button three times.

Kennice just got back from backpacking through Europe for six weeks. While in Europe not only did she brave (aka loved every minute of it) going out with six Italian men one night, but she also went sky diving.

Please let it be known that the only time I will be jumping out of a plane is if it is crashing to the ground and jumping out is the only way to save my life.

My sister just got back form a month in Italy. While there she studied opera and sang in one of Italy’s greatest opera venues. She also spent a week in Germany with a guy who is going to compose an orchestra piece for/about her.

Yeah……I almost have no words for that one. I only sing in the shower or drunken karaoke singing at Trader Todds. The closest I’ve come to beautiful music being about/for me was when I dated Mr. Frat boy and he put aviators on and serenaded me with “You’ve Lost That Loving Felling.” Oh it was a spectacle, I wish…WISH…I had video of it.

Matt and Tom are in Australia swimming with sharks and going on outback tours.

My roommates are going camping in the next couple weeks. I mean REAL camping. NO indoor plumbing building where you can take showers or use toilets, and I think they have to watch out for bears. Awwwwww, it’s too bad I have classes on Saturdays. ;)

Kate has driven cross country in a quest to see random shit across America.

However great all these things are, I would have to say my most interesting friends with the most interesting lives are, of course, Kayla and Brett. Actually, it’s Kayla more then anything, but Brett is along for the “ride” so we’ll include him.

So a couple of days ago I get a call from Kayla, and she is bitching and moaning about her and Brett having conflicting work schedules. She’s going on and on about how she has been working nights and gets home after he leaves for work in the morning. (Her vet clinic is short staffed at the moment.)

While one might think that this is her sadness for not being able to spend more time together, “one” might be wrong. Nope, she’s complaining because they have not had sex in two weeks.

Two weeks?? Kayla hunny, add about 166 weeks to those two and we’ll talk about who has the right to complain about a lack of sex life.

Anyway, yesterday about 4:00sih she calls me again (its 3:00 her time), but this time she is all happy and giddy.

“JOANIE!!! I couldn’t take it anymore. After I took care of the dogs I got into my car, drove the 30 minutes into Denver, walked into his office, slammed the door and told him we were F***ing right there and then. So we did it…….on his desk………twice.”

She’s such a porn star. WHO DOES THAT???? I really thought things like this only happened in movies, but no…..they happen to Kayla and Brett.

Never, ever have I had the urge to march into my boyfriend’s office and demand sex on the desk. OK, maybe the thought has crossed my mind (when I had someone to cross it about) but I don’t think I would ever have the guts to carry it out.

This just the latest installments on why I am convinced that Kayla is really an alien with the goal of world domination. She’ll just sex to death all the men, lesbians, bi-sexuals and drunken sorostitutes in the world while the rest of us look on in shock.

I can hear her laughing now. I am sure once she reads this post I am going to get a call, texted or email “What, jealous?”

And the answer is Yes…..yes I am.

2006-08-23T12:28:00.000-05:00

I can't concentrate. I think I picked up ADD when my hangover subsided on Monday.

So I went on youtube.com and searched for New Kids on the Block videos. I am currently dieing of laughter. These might be some of the best videos in the history of videos.

Sadly, I can go home and watch these as my roommate Sarah owns all the NKOTB videos that were put out in the early 1990s.

I mean try and watch these with a straight face.

First we have Step by Step:

New Kids On The Block - Step by step

I don't know where to start with this....

Ok, the coloring. I love how they added in all the wacky pastels and neon colors. Or Jordan's voice when he hits Step Three "IT'S JUST YOU AND MEEEEEEEEE!"

NO its the dancing, that's what got me. The dancing. At one point and time they are doing their version of the running man.

Watch the video it will bring backawesomee memories!!!

Ok, I was going to try and add more videos to this post, but I suck at this and donÂt know how to. You Tube keeps giving them their own pages. So this might turn into a many post obsession.

I was in LOVE with them when I was younger. They came out in the late eighties and hit it big when I was about 7-9ish. My very first tape was a NKOTB tape. I rocked it out.

I was also in love with Joey, Jordan and Jonathan, varying in whom I would marry once I became of age. I never much cared for Danny or Donny. (Donny as you all know is Marky MarkÂs brother.)

The marketing gurus behind NKOTB were geniuses. Between the two of us, my sister and I owned the following NKOTB memorabilia:
~ Joey, Jordan and Jonathan Dolls
~ sheets
~ play tent
~ sleeping bangs
~ buttons (remember the button craze of the 80Âs!!!)
~school supplies
~tapes
~videos
~posters

Honestly, it was sick but we loved it. I remember that Barbie used to date the NKOTB boys because she was sick of Ken. Later in our developmental process (after we learned how babies were made) Barbie and the boys did other things.

I knew all the words to every song and we tried to learn all the dances. We were obsessed.

A year or two ago VH1 tried to reunited the New Kids. that didn't fly, and I was sorely disappointed.

However, Jordan Knight went on to the Surreal Life, and is a sleazy guy as we now know.

Enjoy the video, there should be more to come.

Papa Don’t Preach

2006-08-23T11:14:00.000-05:00

My father is under the impression that I am 3 years old, retarded and pure as the driven snow.

All of the above are three things that I am not. First of all I about abut to turn 25 years old, I am very smart (books and street) AND while I am not a slut…..I am no angel.

I tired explaining to my cousin Tiffany this very thing last Thursday. She didn’t really believe me. I told her how my father is constantly lecturing me about boys and sex. ALL. THE. TIME.

When I dated Chris my father was constantly telling me he was only dating me b/c I was four years younger and he wanted to get in my pants. Geeee THANKS DAD!!!!!!! Maybe it was b/c I am a pretty amazing person.

When I was dating a guy who went to a different college my junior year my dad asked me once where we sleep when I visit. “I sleep in bed and he sleeps on the couch.”

OK so I lied, but it spared me getting the sex lecture 1000 times. My mom was there when I said this. She rolled her eyes and tried to hold back the insane laughter.

Lately is has been getting a lot worse. Anytime a boy or alcohol is mentioned he gives me the TALK.

Point in case, I made mistake of telling my father I can do an Irish Car Bomb in 3 seconds (impressed aren’t you?). I said how my friend Paul is on a mission to beat me, but so far I keep kicking my ass.

My father’s response: “He only keeps buying you those shots because he wants to get you drunk and get you in bed.”

…………………… come on.

Or, he hears me telling my cousin about meeting this guy at the bar and how be bought me drinks.

Dad: “He expected SEEEEEEEEX! Don’t take drinks from people like that.”

I could go on and on and on. However, the final straw came last night. My dad called and asked how Nicole’s wedding went. So I told him how she was beautiful and it was so much fun. How we went out afterwards and then her cousin walked me home.

Brace yourself for what is about to come. Please, and remember I have to deal with this ALL THE TIME.

“Joanie, how many times do I have to tell you that those guys are just trying to get in your pants? Don’t drink around them. Those boys at the wedding were just getting you drinks so you would sleep with them.”

“DAD!!!!!! One of those guys was my friend’s boyfriend. He got in her pants later; I don’t think he was interested in mine. One of those guys I knew for years and he knows he has no chance in hell b/c I have told him that. Moreover, I am not retarded nor am I have years old. Had any of them tried anything I would have stopped it. However, for the record, if I want to do something I will do it!!”

My father hung up on me.

Ok, I don’t expect him to be all: “hey killer, get another notch on your belt? Har har har.” “Did you give that one a good ride? Wink wink” I am not his son, but in the same respect I am not some child troll that has been living under the bed for 25 years and has no idea about these sort of things.

On my way to work this morning my dad called. He said he was disappointed in me for thinking that way, and then launched in on the “when a man penetrates your who who, he penetrated your heart” leacture.

My “who who” where the hell did he get that?

The he reminded me that oral sex is still sex, that Jesus loves me and making out leads to dangerous things.

I almost drove into the back of the truck in front of me.

My father has very little to worry about. In the past three or four years I can count on one hand the number of guys who have interested me enough to put the “who who” on red alert.

BEAR DOWN!!!!!!!!

2006-08-22T13:21:00.000-05:00

Since all my weddings are over and life is starting to get a little more normal, I guess I could update this thing more often.

Well that and my fan club (kelly and kayla) have yelled at me.

So here is a short update since my boss is a slave driver and doesn’t like to give me 5 minutes to eat lunch.

This is going to be a short one.

IT’S FOOTBALL TIME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Thank you baby Jesus!!!!! While I am just starting to rekindle my love with Baseball, it’s still not the same as football.

Football is my first love (outside of Winnie the Pooh!). I was 2 yrs old when I went to my first game. My uncles taught me the Packers suck, and Da Bears and Da Coach were the two greatest things in the world.

It was my grams who would brave the -40 degree weather to cheer her boys on while she bundled up in a fur coat and drank hot cocoa laced with peppermint schnapps.

Yes kiddies, its Bears Football time and I couldn’t be happier. AND to make this whole experience better……my title rep, Carrie, is bringing me BEARS TICKETS FOR FRIDAY NIGHT!!!!!!!!! Now it’s not 100% sure yet, but there is a chance. (If she doesn’t come through I will be so disappointed!!)

So as a public service here is the Bears schedule for the 2006-2007 SUPER BOWL WINNING SEASON!!!!!!!!!!!! (ok….I might be jumping the gun on this one.)

Fri., August 25
vs. Cardinals

Thurs., August 31
@ Browns

Regular Season

Sun., September 10
@ Packers

Sun., September 17
vs. Lions

Sun., September 24
@ Vikings

Sun., October 1
vs. Seahawks

Sun., October 8
vs. Bills

Mon., October 16
@ Cardinals

Sun., October 29
vs. 49ers

Sun., November 5
vs. Dolphins

Sun., November 12
@ Giants

Sun., November 19
@ Jets

Sun., November 26
@ Patriots

Sun., December 3
vs. Vikings

Mon., December 11
@ Rams

Sun., December 17
vs. Bucs

Sun., December 24
@ Lions

Sun., December 31
vs. Packers

I am about to call my mom and inform her that for my birthday I want Bears tickets. They’re playing the PACKERS on December 31. That is 3 days after my 25th birthday. (HINT HINT!!!)

If you are wondering what you can get me, how about those Bears vs. Packers Tickets??? I’ll love you forever.

Now we just need the countdown to hockey season (starting October 5th) and I will be happy.

OK, time to get some more work done. Focusing yesterday was killer and it didn’t happen. So I have to get some things done today. Once Friday hits I should be able to write something funny.

But for now remember this:

Bear down, Chicago Bears, make every play clear the way to victory; Bear down, Chicago Bears, put up a fight with a might so fearlessly.We'll never forget the way you thrilled the nation with your T-formation.Bear down, Chicago Bears, and let them know why you're wearing the crown.You're the pride and joy of Illinois, Chicago Bears, bear down.

carnie show now playing in Bad Axe, MI

2006-07-13T15:09:00.001-05:00

I’ve actually been so busy at work that I have not had time to write anything witty to entertain the masses. Sorry kids.

Well, I have already been to two weddings and am leaving today for my third.

The first wedding was Erin’s. Dave and I were thirty minutes late as map quest had us in Asia when we really wanted to be in Royal Oak.

Just as we were pulling into the church Erin and her husband (aaahhhh) were coming out. At that time I did what any self respecting person would do. I grabbed Dave and we ran through the back of the church and into the receiving line. Hey, I was there…and that was the important part.

The second wedding was Roommate’s brother’s wedding, and like the one the weekend before….this was a carnie show.

This time my co-pilot was Sarah, and instead of being in a burb of Detroit (where Sarah would have been great help since that’s her hometown area) we were on our way to Ft. Wayne, Indiana.

Basically you take a two lane highway all…the….way…down. All 101.9 miles.

So of course, since nothing can be easy…..Sarah and I were running late. The ceremony started at 6:00 eastern time. At 5:20 eastern tie we were 20 min away. At 5:35 eastern time we were lost on Yarpa Road.

At 5:45 we found the hotel, got our key, ran into the room…threw on our dresses and fixed our make-up and hair a bit and ran to the car. I swear to god we were back in the car at 5:55.

Since Sarah had to put on her makeup (I did most of my pre-hair and makeup back in Chicago) I drove. Cue us FLYING through these side streets to the church.

At 5:59 Sarah and I ran into the church and ducked into seats right before the bride’s mom was lead down the isle. Woooooo THAT WAS CLOSE!!!!

The reception was held at the Elks Lodge and Sarah and I parked in the Elk of the Year’s spot. We proceeded to drink way to much beer and dance like morons all night.

~~Please note: I LOVE Roommate’s family. ~~~~

So as this day winds to an end I am heading to yet another wedding. This time it is in the small town of Bad Axe, MI. Dave and I will be attending his friends’ wedding.

From what I am told there will be more dead animal heads mounted on the wall then people at the reception.

The groom is also wearing cowboy boots. I AM SOOOOO EXCITED!!!!!!!!!

To prepare I have been listing to country music all week. I now know the words to many “marry your cousin” type songs.

This weekend not only brings that carnie show to the surface, but it brings the side show of Sarah and I embarking on yet another road trip together. So please keep some bail money handy…..we might need it.

Peace out home slices……..next week’s entry will be about this wedding and I am sure there will be some stories.

~~OH!!! I almost forgot. Bad Axe, MI is about 1 hr from East Lansing. Not only do we get to drive past Flint, MI……BUT….BUT!!!!!....we get to drive through Amish country!!!!!!!!!!!! And the car will be filled with Dave + me + Sophie (my sister’s dog) + Dave’s two cats + all our shit + Sophie’s cage….all in a cougar. A COUGAR!!! Yep….if we make it to Bad Axe alive….it will be amazing.

no i'm not dead

2006-06-29T14:01:00.000-05:00

So I haven’t written in a bit, and that’s probably b/c nothing has been very interesting or funny….and I’ve been in a “mood.” So why bore you with boring and crabby stuff. I mean really, you should thank me.

I accept cash and Tiffany’s!

Anyway, I’ve been working out in the mornings for the past two weeks. Yes, the mornings. As in 5 A.M!!!!!!I am averaging about 4 mornings a week and then later in the day on weekends. Monday’s and I don’t get along very well.

In order to get to the gym around 5ish, I have to set my alarm for 4:15 a.m. This allows me to hit snooze twice and get up at 4:45 and get ready. I also make sure to drink a LARGE class of water and eat a granola bar before I workout, as going without doing this the first time almost had me pashing out on the elliptical.

5 a.m. at the Lincoln Park Athletic Club (LPAC) is a very interesting time. There are about 5 other people there beside myself; however, there is ALWAYS someone on my favorite machine. Anyway, this workout leads to me being perky and full of energy until I get in my car and sit in traffic on the IKE. Once there, I am always 5 seconds from falling asleep while driving and in desperate need of coffee.

Doesn’t that make you feel safer about being on the outbound Eisenhower at 8:00 a.m?
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I hate telemarketers. Honestly. Not only do they bother me when I am trying to work or do more important things (like click around ESPN.com) but they just might be retarded. Oh wait, must be P.C…….fucking retarded. Ok that’s better.

We get a lot of these calls at my office.

Me: “good afternoon, Smith’s.”
Telemarketer: “yes, is Robert in?”
M: “Junior, Senior. or the third?”
T: “Robert Smith.”
M: “Robert Smith, Jr, Sr, or the third?”
T: “ROBERT SMITH please.” (because saying it louder answers my question.)
M: rolling eyes. “YES, I un-der-stand. I am ASKING you if you need Robert Smith JUNIOR, Robert Smith SENIOR or Robert Smith the THIRD! See there are three of them.”
T: “I am just looking for Robert Smith.”
M: “Um, we have no one in this office by that name.”

Click.

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The following is an example of why I love my friends and why my ass might end up in AA in the future.

A friend of mine has a neighbor who is a wine broker. So said friend will get daily drop offs of open bottles of wine from his neighbor.

This friend, whom I now love, has given me all five of the white wine bottles he had and said in the future the white wine is mine.

I pray to god no one comes over and opens the fridge anytime soon because they will see about 30 cans of beer, 10 bottles of beer, 5 OPEN bottles of wine, 2 closed bottles of wine and some liqueur stashed in the freezer.
Hi my name is Joanie…………………..
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Little Parrot BIG World

2006-06-15T14:15:00.000-05:00

Have you ever seen the TLC show, Little People Big World? Its about a family consisting of a little mom, little dad, three “normal” kids and one little kid. (This is me trying to avoid the word midget.)

It’s a very interesting show and not as funny as I had thought it would be.

The title of the show has kind of turned into a new lingo for my friends and I. Mostly when we are out and about and see really really short people (guys), we’ll look at one another and go “little people BIG world.”

So the other day Sarah calls me and tells me she was listening to a morning show and someone called in about their deaf midget parrot with hemorrhoids:

Me: “are you serious?”
Sarah: “Yeah, this women has a midget parrot that is deaf and has hemorrhoids.”
Me: laughing way too much. “wow.”
Sarah: “I know, little parrot BIG world!”

OK, so maybe that wasn’t as funny to you, but at 7:45 a.m. stuck in traffic on the IKE, it’s hysterical.
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In case you were wondering, I can do an Irish Car Bomb in 3 seconds. Most people are amazed; Brett doesn’t understand how I am single.

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Some friends and I aw X-Men II the other night and I was reminded of two things:

1) Boys, no matter how old, are immature perverts. Point in case, the two I was with. Apparently, it is still funny to try and throw popcorn down a girl’s shirt. Yes boys, these are boobs and they make my tank top poke out a little. No, it is not a holding place for your popcorn.

2) Children should only be taken to children type movies. Now I love kids, but when it is 9:00 at night and I am paying a lot of money to see an adult movie…..constant talking and having my chair kicked for 1 ½ hrs is NOT what I paid for.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
As I walked up to my apartment Tuesday night at 11:59 p.m. the noise from the neighbors place was pretty loud. When I went o unlock the door their door busted open and some guys goes, “ABOUT DAMN TIME YOU GOT HERE!!!!!!”

Neighbor: “Dude, that’s our neighbor!”
Random drunk: “oh, hey!! Come on in and have a beer.”
Me: “Aw thanks, but I have to work tomorrow.”
RD: “Aww that sucks…we just graduated, so we’re drinking!”
Random Drunk #2: “GO STATE!!! GO GREEN!! GO WHITE!!!”
Me: “SPARTY ON!”
RD#2 “GO STATE!!! I love state!”
RD#1: “WHAT? We went to DePaul!!!
RD#2: “Yeah but they went to state!! GOOOOO STATE!”
RD#! “How do you know that?”
Neighbor: “They yell loudly at the TV during basketball season! Sorry, we’ll try to keep it down.”
Me: “nah, you just graduated. You’re not that loud, the base is…but I can sleep through anything.”

The neighbors are nice, but did get a tad loud throughout the night. Oh well, like I said I can sleep through anything.

Plus, the one drunk was a Spartan fan and had I not had to be at work the next day, I would have been right there with them.

Tim Curry Gives me Nightmares

2006-06-07T11:33:00.000-05:00

I was 9 years old (almost 10) when Steven King’s “It” came out on VHS.

My uncle, the baby sitting extraordinaire, was a little upset that his mouthy niece kept bugging him while he was trying to watch a movie. So instead of standing a firm ground and making me go to bed, he sat me on the couch and let me watch it with him.

Oh………my…….god……..

When you’re a guy in his late twenties “It” is the perfect movie to sit around and watch, but when you’re his 9 year old niece…it might be a little much.

(In case you don’t know, “It” is a movie about an evil clown that kills children. Thanks for haunting my dreams and freaking me out Tim Curry!!!)

So starts my horrible fear of clowns, and of course since I was terrified of them…..they were everywhere.

Every summer we went to the Berrien County Youth Fair in Michigan, and every year there were those damn clowns.

There were clowns at birthday parties, festivals and, of course, circuses.

Ok so I am older now, and it’s not as bad b/c my friends don’t have clowns at their parties anymore. (Stripping midgets, yes! Clowns, not so much.) Plus I have been going a very long time without having to see a clown in real life or pictures.

However, Monday night started about three days of hell in regards to my fear of clowns.

Let’s review:

Monday night the team went to Sluggers for batting practice. After words Pauly, Kate Dale and I went to Goose Island for a couple drinks.

Apparently Dale was in the circus for three years in college and has a clown suit. A CLOWN SUIT!

Well then it came out I was terrified of clowns and it became pick on Joanie night. By the end of the night not only had the creepy clown talk given me the freakies, but I am not convinced that Dale is planning a clown scare.

Moving on to Tuesday, and the day where not only did I receive emails with clown related material from Dale and Paul……but I saw one.

AAHHHHH!! Just thinking about it is making me feel all uneasy.

So I had to run next door to the Irish Restaurant / Pub to get my boss (he was having drinks with clients). I was in a hurry as he needed to get back to take a very important call.

I will admit, I probably shouldn’t have come through the door in the rush that I did…but none the less I did. As I rushed through (not looking) I bumped into someone. When I looked up to apologize I screamed b/c I had run into a CLOWN!!

Me: “AAAHHH”
Evil Clown from Hell: “Are you ok.”
Me: “Please don’t touch me.” (I look down to avoid having to stare at its freaky face.)
Clown Satan: “I’m sorry.”
Me: “nothing personal. I’m terrified of clowns and you’re kind of freaking me out.”
Clown laughing its creepy children killing clown laugh. “Yeah I get that, but clowns are SUPER FUN.”
Me: “I’m leaving now.”

Ok two things: 1) WHO has their child’s birthday party at an IRISH PUB! (ok…maaaaaaaaaaybeI will when I have kids.); and 2) WHY do parents think clowns are a good idea.

Oh yeah, clowns are super fun. You know who else thought clowns were great. JOHN WAYNE GACY!!! Yeah, the Guy who dressed up as a clown, kidnapped, raped and killed little boys! Yeah, that’s super fun.

When you Google John Wayne Gacy, you get an article called “John Wayne Gacy: The Clown that Killed.” When you GIS Gacy, you get pictures of him dressed up like a clown. I am currently using my diet crack as a chaser for the zanex.

All this clown fun was added to when I was checking me email today. See if you have gmail, you can add a picture to your profile that will pop up when you put your cursor over a name.

Apparently, Pauly thought it would be fun to add one of the SCARIEST CLOWN PICTURES EVER to his profile.

It scared the living hell out of me today. Thanks Pauly, please go back to the damn cat pictures.

I am now beyond freaked out and am currently fighting the urge to go sit in a corner, rock back and forth mumbling “Jesus Save.”

Yeah, they freak me out that much.

Scandal at the Malibu Beach House

2006-06-02T14:13:00.000-05:00

I used to wonder what my toys would be like if they were alive. (Hey, I was 5!)

Anyway, the other day on the train I got a glimpse into what Skipper (Barbie’s “sister”) would be like if she were real.

So I am on the train and it’s about to leave for suburbia hell when Skipper and her greasy looking boyfriend walk into the rear facing double seat 5 rows in front of where I was. I wish I could have taken a picture without her knowing, but alas you will have to make do with my description.

She was about 5’5 and thin with stringy bleach blond hair. I mean, we who die our hair know it can get a little dried out, but come on, that’s why god invented conditioner.

On to her clothes. She had on one of those flowery peasant tops that hung on her body funny and a bright green tank top underneath. As great as the rainbow visor she was wearing was, it could not compare to the rainbow knee socks and pink shoes with purple laces. This was all held together by the acid washed skirt she had on that would be indecent for my 5 year old cousin. I almost forgot, she had a Rainbow Bright purse and was sucking on a lollypop.

Honestly, at first I thought I had brushed my teeth with cocaine that morning and this was all a horrible hallucination.

So of course, knowing me, I could not stop staring.

Her boyfriend on the other is the type of guy who makes K-Fed look like George Clooney.

If Skipper were to have an E! True Hollywood Story, I imagine the narration would go something like this:

Skipper’s life was going very swimmingly until the day her sister, Barbie, told her something that would shatter her life as she knew it. Yes, Barbie told Skipper that she was not her sister. No, Skipper was the love child of a wild night at the Malibu Beach House with Ken.

Skipper left the world she knew and entered into a world of drugs, booze, men and really bad clothes. She questioned her existence, and was sickened by her memories of her childhood crushes on Ken.

She sold her body for money and hitch hiked her way from Malibu to Chicago. Once there she moved in with her dealer Snakebite. Upon his insistence she got a snake bite tattoo on her neck.

Skipper and Snakebite would ride the Metra Train from the city to the suburbs in order to cool down in the summer and warm up in the winter as their crack house didn’t have central heat or air.

It was one of these times when Snakebite was sleeping on her shoulder that Skipper stared out the window and remembered her life when she was truly happy and clean.

Maaaaaaaaaybe I got a little carried away there, but that was what stuck in my head when I saw this train wreck.

Although I shouldn’t be too surprised, I mean you see real life He-Mans and She-Ras every Friday and Saturday night in Boystown.

nakie-ness? you don't say.......

2006-05-26T13:33:00.000-05:00

So out of boredom and knowing if you're reading this you must be bored / insane, I am going to start adding funny conversations I have with my friends on the blog.

Chances are it will be a lot of me and erica or me and dave.

Chances are I'll do this about three times before I forget. You know, they caught the dyslexia you would think they would have caught the ADD top. hmmmm

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BACK STORY: Erica and my sister, Allie, will be roommates come August at good old Northern Illinois. Erica is a clean freak with a post-it addiction (remind me to blog about erica and I as house managers and our post its) and Allie is messy. Erica and I are discussing this over the AIM today.

E: what are you up to

J: I told my mom u were going to pile allies stuff up and post it things when she gets messy

E: LOL

E: things like Sophie

J: my mom said to go buy a couple pounds of post its

E: bahahaha!!

J: ull need them for the first week

E: poor allie

E: I think we're going to have risky business cleaning day

E: we'll put on sunglasses and blast music and clean in our underwear

J: omg

J: don't tempt her

J: she loves being naked

E: she'll love it

E: LMAO

E: see, I know her already

J: when she was little she used to undress ni the grocery store

J: my mom never wanted to take her anywhere

E: hahahahah!!!

J: she was like walking talking kiddy porn

~~hope you understand AIM language. If not, oh well...I don;t care. I am sure you can figure this out for yourself.

~~More to come.....wonder if you find this as funny as we did, and by we i mean myself and the voices in my head.

wooooooooooo

She's a Catcher

2006-05-24T15:24:00.000-05:00

As promised here is the softball recap:

We’re not as good as the Sox but not as bad as the Cubs, and amazingly no one was seriously injured. More importantly, I wasn’t maimed.

We were terrible during the first game (we had a double header) but better for the second. However, we lost both.

So you know how I said this would update you on the softball progress, well I lied. I realized that unless we win or someone gets hurt or I do something stupid….this won’t be funny to write about.

However, if someone on the team with a digital camera (KAAAAAAAAAATE) brings it next time……maybe we can have pics.

OH!!!!!! I do have something! So I lost my glove and had to buy a new one. Well….I am not one to spend $80.00 on a glove b/c I obviously lose them AND the bog ones are to big for my hand.

So I buy a $30.00 glove, which is a glove for an eight year old. Yep, I am now the proud owner of a PINK and black baseball glove that is meant for a child. Oh yeah….big leagues here I come…………..

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In related news:

My friendship with Dave is completely wrong. There is something not right with us. I mean, just listening to us talk and you wonder when the nice men in the white lab coats are coming to administer the shots.

Baseball conversation:

Me: “Damn, my inner thighs are sore from being a catcher. We had a double header.”
Dave: ::Laughing uncontrollably:: “NEVER say that to a gay man.”
Me: “What? OH EW. You’re an asshole.

Basketball conversation:

I just get done explaining to Dave about the NBA draft and why if some players can’t go first round they go back to college.

Dave: “Um……can you gay it up for me.”
Me: “Sure, the difference between 1st round draft and the rest is like the difference in a Burka Bag and Target.”
Dave: “See that’s all you had to do. Make it about shopping.”

Hockey:
I get done ranting and raving about a couple things.
Dave: “You know you only like hockey b/c you like the though of getting roughed up by a big burley man”

Last night I was at the gym when Dave called and we had this short conversation:

Me: “I’m working out and watching Sports Center.”
Dave: “You are every straight guys dream, you know that.”
Me: “Yeah, and you’re every straight girls dream. We can bring you to weddings/formals and pass you off as straight. Then the next day take you shopping.”

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Dave came to my cousin’s wedding with me. We apparently looked like the next happy couple to walk down the isle. (minus the making out or any signs of sexual love…but whatever)

A couple days later I ran into my other cousin:

T: “Joanie, we all thought you and Dave looked great together. Aunt Shelly was saying you were next, but then your dad said that Dave was gay!?”
Me: “Ohhh…yeah. Dave’s not gay.”
T: “But you daa….”
M: “Yeah, I just told him that b/c Dave and I are sleeping together. Catch you later!”

Needless to say that was a blatant lie, but it was have my family thinking I was a slut or a fag hag. I would rather be a slut.

So kiddies….even though Will & Grace is over, you’ll still get some comedic Queer/Funny girl action here.
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Finally………………

I am trying to kick the diet crack habbit. I am becoming to dependant on it. I’m like a crack head.

Diet Crack Detox is going to be hard….but I am committed. I’ve already gone so far. This is day 2. I foresee an uphill struggle.

I need to get more sleep.......

2006-05-19T12:10:00.000-05:00

So a couple funny things have happened or been said and I keep thinking “wow…that is going to be soooo funny for the blog.”

By the time I get to “blogging” I have forgotten what the hell was so funny.

Which brings me to two conclusions, 1) apparently the side affect of being the wonderful is total memory loss and 2) I have turned into a giant dork b/c when funny things happen I think about writing it down on a blog.

So for your enjoyment, random things happening in my life/mind:

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Kate and I went to a roof top Cubbies games yesterday. It was a LOT of fun….good food, fun view, etc. The only problem was there was some creepies there. They were three old guys (like our dad’s age) hitting on us. CREEEEEPPPYYY. Did they not realize we were young enough to be their daughters?

I can’t talk about this anymore….I’ll want to shower again. ICK ICK ICK.
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At the game, Kate and I were talking about random things and one of the topics was of someone we know.

Kate: “I remember him being scrawny/skinny.”
Me: “Nope….there’s something under there, and it’s not fat.”

Kate starts laughing and laughing. I DID NOT MEAN THAT!!! Kate is a pervert. I did NOT mean that. I meant he’s been working out……she’s a sicko…I don’t know if I can associate with people like that. After all, I am a good catholic girl.
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I’ve gotten some pretty interesting responses to my wedding date entry. I would like to thank everybody who has offered to be my date.

You all are so sweet. Really, but it looks like my “hetro-girl date” to Nicole’s wedding is going to be Nicole’s Cousin Kelly. She’s a loyal blog reader and is obviously on some sort of mind altering drugs b/c not only does she find me funny but she actually is looking forward to meeting me.

I’m a little nervous about this whole situation. I mean what if I don’t live up to standards?
Kinda of like when your friends set you up with this “AMAZING Guy", and in walks the younger version of Danny DaVito.

Maybe I am not as cool and funny as Nicole and this blog have made me sound?? The anxiety is going to kill me.
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Apparently this is the current state of my love life

Did you ever notice that when you hit a certain age and your single people start to make it their mission to get you hitched?

No? OH WELL! You lucky bastard., b/c due to my friends getting married a lot of my cousins being married….some people are concerned about my status.

My aunts ask ALL THE TIME and my boss’s friend’s want to set me up with people they know.

My mom doesn’t want me to rush things, but she certainly has her opinions on who is a good catch.

My worst critic is a 6 yr old. She really wants me married off b/c she wants to be a flower girl. Amongst her points of why I must get married are the following:

~~She’s not getting any younger
~~I definitely am not getting any younger
~~“You’re already soooo old….”
~~She wants to wear a pretty dress
~~I need to have babies
~~Boys don’t want to marry old ladies

Does anyone else see a theme here?? I don’t know what’s worse….my crazy aunt telling me that all the good guys go fast or a 6 yr old telling me if I don’t do it now I’ll end up dieing alone! (ok she didn’t say that but the little know-it-all was hinting at that)

I don’t think these people have anything to worry about. We all know I’ll end up that crazy lady on the end of the block with the 20 cats and 15 dogs…..warning all the young people of the dangers of country music. (Normally they say rap music…..but we all know I am in touch with my gangster side)

Ok well…I’m done for now…maybe something funny will happen later today. If not, oh well……go entertain yourselves for a change and stop putting that pressure on me!!!!

The Should Sell Beer at These Games

2006-05-16T15:34:00.000-05:00

This weekend marks the second season of my softball career. As excited as I am, I have to admit that the dangers from last season have me a little scared.

Last year I knew the season was off to an interesting start when Roommate and I went to buy our gloves.

As you might have noticed, I mentioned that we’re playing SOFTBALL……roommate and I bought baseball gloves. BASEBALL. If that wasn’t bad enough…..I think my glove is meant for a kid. It’s kind of small, but see….the other ones wouldn’t fit my hand. They kept falling off. So I played all last softball season with a kiddy sized baseball glove. Yeah I rock!

Some other highlights from last season:

~I wore my sunglasses ALL the time. We’re talking while batting, in the outfield and while playing catcher. I’d like to say it was b/c its always so sunny in Chicago, but really it’s b/c most of our games were before noon and I was hung over.

~While in right field……I did a whole lot of nothing.

~If I didn’t strike out I was walked. I might have hit the ball about 3 times. I was hit by the ball about 2,000 times.

~For whatever reason in softball, if the pitcher walks a male member on the team, the female right after him can choose to walk. Kate chose to hit, I always walked.

~I made one great play. It was at our 9 a.m. game, and I might have still been drunk. For whatever reason I was about 3 feet behind second base, sunglasses on and zoning out. I heard the bat hit the ball and then looked up in time to see the ball flying in my direction. I closed my eyes, screamed and stuck my glove out. Amazingly I wasn’t killed, but I CAUGHT IT!!! The feat was never repeated.

~For whatever reason I was moved into the catcher’s position. This was all fine and dandy until someone threw down their bat and it hit me in the ankle.

~The next weekend the ball jumped out of my glove and into the throat. The ump told me I wouldn’t be able to talk for a bit…..I was more worried about not being able to BREATH!!!

~The following Saturday some giant guy (about 5’11’’ and 300 lbs) decided he would try to steal home. Someone threw me the ball, I caught it and went to tag him……cue him barreling into me and elbowing me in the throat. I don’t know what hurt worse. The elbow to the throat, the fall or the fact a 300 lbs monster just ran me over in a NONCOMPETITIVE softball game. Thus ending my career as the team’s catcher.

~The following inning I offered to be short stop and tripped his fat ass as it “ran” by.

~I spent the whole “season” referring to the Umpires as referees. Once time I even called one a linesmen. At first my team tried to correct me…..by the end they just ignored me.

OK, I realize I am coming off as one of those dumb blonds, but I am not. If this were flag football I would be kicking ass, but no one will play flag football with me.

I just am not a good baseball player, and signed up to have a fun time. I might be better this year as I don’t drink as much as I used to and won’t be hung over as much. However, all my best plays were done when I was at my worst.

This year should be a lot more fun as most of the team members are my friends and get the fact that I am a sarcastic asshole. They’ll appreciate the jokes and comments I make, and won’t question why I will be standing in right field with my sunglasses and pink sweatband on.

Don’t worry…..I’ll provide pics, if someone brings a camera. God knows they are going to be priceless!

Oh and one more thing. I am taking a survey on the first injury. Kayla thinks it’s going to be a black eye, while Brett is betting on me tripping on the way to first base.

The Wedding Date

2006-05-12T10:24:00.000-05:00

Well kiddies, it’s the time of year again…..yes Wedding Season!!!

While I am not as thrilled about it as the Wedding Crashers guys were (I don't crash weddings to get laid), I am still happy to see my friends and family embark on this new trip in life. (Yeah THAT was lame wasn’t it!)

Out of the 6 or 7 weddings I have this summer I will be attending 4 of them, and out of those 4 I am actually in 1 of them. (hmm wonder who that could be??)

So the next question I have to ask myself is this, “Do I bring a date?”

This is a simple NO to two of the weddings as I am already the “date.” The first one is Roommate’s brother’s wedding. Roommate’s mom invited myself and Sarah to Ben’s wedding and therefore we are kind of being Roommate’s date since she is not bringing one.

In July I will be attending a wedding in Michigan to be Dave’s wedding “date.” This will be fun b/c Dave and I are assholes, and like alcohol and pain killers……we’re fun alone but when you mix us…we’re a WILD time!!!

At first I told him to he should bring one of his gay friends (shake up things a bit), b/c while Dave’s home friends know he is gay the other people in the small town might just die if he were to bring another guy. Now THAT would be fun to watch!

Although they should be fine with it, because even though his small town is no San Francisco…...they do have a LOT of guys in cowboy attire. You can’t tell me that Dave is the only mo to come out of the place.

According to my lovely date…..we’ll probably be a little over dressed, as the reception hall will have more dead animal heads on the walls then guests in the chairs.

Now we’re down to two:

As far as Erin’s wedding goes. Erica and I already decided to go together in order to save on gas / hotel / etc. So it is a little late in the game to bring a third party into this. Plus, Eric’s fiancé is in the army…and since she can’t bring him….I’ll go stag to keep her company.

So that leaves us with Nicole’s wedding. The wedding I am actually in and I ask myself….do I want to bring a date??

How do you approach someone with that question?

“Hey, want to be my date to a wedding?”
Unsuspecting Guy: “Sure.”

Me: “Now since I am in it, you’re going to have to drive alone to the church. Sit alone, drive alone to the reception, sit at a table with people you might not know, and basically be ignored by me until after dinner.”

U.G.: “Gee golly Joanie…..that sounds like fun!”

I guess I could bring Dave since I am going to a wedding with him, but do I really want to be known as the girl who brings a gay guy to weddings. Wait, let me rephrase that…..the SAD PATHETIC bridesmaid who could only dig up a gay guy for a wedding date.

Um no. Anyway, I think my family already thinks that after my cousin’s wedding two years ago that Dave attended. Why bring that baggage into Chicago!

The there’s the thought that well if I bring no one I can scam on the straight single attractive guys at the wedding. But I know some single guys coming, and as nice as they are….they’re not really my type.

Plus I think Nicole has mentioned a time or two about this being her wedding and NOT an episode of Blind Date. But maybe that only counted for the groomsmen…..hmmmmmm…..

OH OH!!! I GOT IT!!! Maybe I could hire someone like Deborah Messing does with Dermont Mulroney in the Wedding Date! Yeah there’s an idea…a hot fun guy all mine for the night.

Ugg..nooo…..even if I did do that I could NEVER afford someone hot like Dermot Mulroney. I would have to go to the discount escort serves and end up getting someone like the kid from Napoleon Dynamite.

Oh well, we’ll see. Some of those people thought I was a lesbian in high school, so maybe I’ll bring Kayla and let them keep thinking that.

No…..Nicole would kill me….b/c if the wedding is not Blind Date….it sure the hell isn’t Girls Gone Wild!

We Just Need A Golden Tee

2006-05-10T10:48:00.000-05:00

Sometimes I think Roommate and I are An Old Married Couple:

We don’t have a dishwasher so I do the dishes. If it was left up to Roommate to do the dishes….we would be eating off plastic dishes and using red “flip cups” to drink out of.

Roommate takes out the trash b/c I have an aversion to taking the trash out. I think its called laziness.

When we first moved in I was making dinner for both of us. Lately, it’s an “every girl for herself” attitude. I guess the honeymoon is over.

Every morning I tell Roommate the weather forecast, and sometimes she asks before I can tell her. Her pet name for me is Weather Bug. Isn’t that sweeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeet.

She gives me nice gifts……like the pink sweat band she had. Its always been a dream of mine to work out and look like a mix between an NBA superstar and a gay man.

Just last night we both fell asleep watching TV. I woke up and put a blanket on her (she was passed out on the couch), turned off the TV and shut off the lights before going to bed. I didn’t kiss her on the forehead b/c I figured my kiss would be followed by a punch in the face.

If we were to get a dog, I would be solely responsible for it and she would play with it. If we were to have a kid it would be the same thing, but with a lot more explaining to do.

Basically, I am the wife and Roommate is the husband, and in true old married couple fashion…..we sleep in separate rooms.

In dysfunctional old married couple fashion….we’re cheating on each other by going on dates with actual guys.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Sometimes I think Roommate and I are Frat Boys:

Upon entering the apartment and walking up the stairs, you see our state flag displayed proudly. For some reason there is also a map of campus. I guess Roommate was afraid someone would get lost on MSU’s campus so much that they would end up in our apartment and need directions back.

We have an air hockey table instead of a kitchen table. It’s more entertaining and holds the mail just as good as a kitchen table would.

We own Super Troopers, Zoolander, Old School, Boondock Saints, and other “guy/fratty” type movies. These get watched a lot more then Beaches and The Notebook.

We still decorate with Christmas Lights.

Our fridge has beer in it all the time.

We watch Sports Center everyday.

We watch sports and yell back at the TV. I can’t skate and she can’t dunk, but we feel the need to yell at the professional and college players (via the TV) and tell them how they can improve their games.

Like some fratties out there….we like boys.

We play Wingman for each other. As of last night I was her Wingman. I think I did a good job of it.

The major difference in us and real frat boys is that we don’t bring home random sluts.

The only slut coming home with me is Roommate, and she is not randon.

We don't pop our collars.

Now alls that we need is a Golden Tee and we'll be set!!

Randomness

2006-05-09T16:29:00.000-05:00

So I got this from Kennice, and I am posting it here for anyone who has not had the chance to read it on everyone's away message.

Plus it's funny.....b/c it's true!

"Bud Light Presents: Real Men of Genius:Today we salute you, Mr.Constant Collar Putter Upper. You, bedecked in popped collar, teach us that we no longer have to live with a cold, back of the neck. Sure, your Pink alligator polo may look feminine to some, but not to the 17 other frat guys wearing the same thing at the bar. Where others may see thoughtless fashion conformity, you preach a higher gospel. You preach of a world where its okay for a man to go tanning. You ask "why can't we wear make-up, and use shampoo with lavender essecence?" So crack open an ice-cold Bud Light, Mr. Abercrombie (or is it Fitch?), because we all know, when we really need a piece of gum, you might have one...in your man purse."

Guess Who's Out of the Will Again!!!

2006-05-09T14:09:00.000-05:00

I had a great time back at State for graduation. As great as it was to see some of my favorite assholes and some people I haven’t seen in ages, it also marked the end to an era.

I know you’re asking, “What IS she talking about?”

Let me explain. For the past two years since graduation, anytime we wanted to go up for a football, hockey or basketball game alls we had to do was call up one of our little Sparties there and we had a place to crash.

For the past two years the usual suspects have been Dave and Kennice. Since Dave is looking to get a job out of state and Kennice just graduated……our couch crashing days are over.

Yes, it might actually be time to grow up and…..duh duh duuuuuuh….rent a hotel room!!!! (NOOOOOOOOOOOOO)

Scary isn’t it. I mean what’s next? Actually sitting in real seats at these events and NOT the student sections?

Just weird, but I guess this is all part of growing up. There’s a time in everyone’s life when they just need to forgo on buying their 10000000th MSU t-shirt and use those savings for a room at the Residence Inn.

Someone did offer to host Roommate and I next time we came up. I guess you could say he’s either a saint or someone who has no clue what he would be getting himself into.

B/c as our Saturday morning dance parties show: Roommate and I can be like two kids with ADD who are given 8,000 lbs of sugar and told to “Go at it!”

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
In other news:

My dad’s cat well hell bent on not letting me sleep on Friday morning, it makes me miss the days where my father hated cats.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Moving onto current affairs:

Kayla called me at 3 a.m. Monday morning to tell me she smelled like horses.

Next time she’s finished working a 24 hour shift at the vet clinic, I am going to call her up as she is deep in sleep and tell her I smell like a John Grisham Novel.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

The Crazy Train Makes Another Stop:

My grandpa overheard me joking around about cutting all my hair off. (GI Jane Style) He then informed me that if I did that no decent man would marry me, and only lesbians do that.

“JOANIE! You’re not a lesbian are you.” – Grandpa

“Nooooo grandpa, I was only kidding.” – me

(now…if you’re a regular reader I bet you know what is coming next)

“B/c if you are a lesbian. You will be OUT OF THE WILL!”

“Oh yeah, the will. Hey will you give me $20.00 to dump my girlfriend?”

“YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND?”

“Jesus. Kidding grandpa.”

Luckily, he caught onto this one and we did not have to have the repeat of the previous out of the will moment.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Fashion News:

The following conversation occurred between my boss and me last Thursday:

“I am going to go and get coffee, what do you want?” - boss man

“I’ll have a medium, café latte with skim milk and two Splendas.” – me

~~blank stare~~

“Ok, I will write it down.” – me

Boss man goes and comes back with the coffees.

“I got the same thing. This is kind of a fru fru drink. I bet they thought I was GAY.”

“Eh, don’t worry. You don’t dress well enough to be gay.”

~~ Sometimes I wonder how I don’t get fired. Oh right, b/c then NOTHING would get done.

Republican Gaydar???

2006-05-02T16:35:00.000-05:00

The kind of cute guy who works at the Irish Pub next door and waited on us today at lunch just walked by the office.

He waved and my boss turns to me and goes, “Even though he is obviously a homosexual, do you want a date with Mike.”

Thinking: ::Hmm, and I was thinking he was checking me out at lunch::

Me: “Um, he’s gay?”

Boss man: “Yeah, he was obviously more interested in me then you.”

Me: “OR you go in the all the time AND you PAID this time.”

My gaydar did not go off. Was boss man being funny?? Or does he have gaydar and I’ve lost mine!!!??”

Can Angry Republicans have gaydar??

~~When you do a GIS for "Gay Republican" you get this:

I have no words.

Sleeping with Deadly Objects

2006-05-02T16:24:00.000-05:00

So I realize I haven’t been very interesting or funny lately. One big indication is that I went two weeks without posting and when I finally did…..it wasn’t that interesting.

Yeah I suck…..sorry.

Honestly, it could be worse. I could bore you with the mundane daily activities that have consumed my life. Do you really want that? No. I did not think so.

This past Saturday, Roommate, Sarah and I volunteered at the Chicago Abused Women’s Coalition’s (CAWC) Visions of Chocolate. This black tie event raised money for the CAWC to keep doing all the good work it does, and gave really rich and well dressed people (and even us) an excuse to eat 4 yrs worth of chocolate.

Well by the end we were stuff, wired on sugar and caffeine and in really goofy moods. Stephanie was not helping the situation as she was being brutally honest, sarcastic, funny and loud (aka..me in 15 yrs).

For example: We would see a cute guy and she would point blank ask him if he was A) Straight and B) single.

So she’s telling us how one of the board members is a state’s attorney and he always brings police officers to the event.

Stephanie: “Yeah so there’s at least one cop here.”
Me: “oh, I want to date a cop before I get married.”
Steph: “Really?”
Me: “Yeah two words, UNIFORM & HANDCUFFS!”

So as we’re all laughing Stephanie CALLS THE COP OVER!!! The whole time he is there I am trying not to laugh. I mean come on…..we just got making a dirty sex joke about what the guy could do with his “club” and cuffs and she calls him over.

Sadly, the officer seemed a little shy or at the very least intimidated by four beautiful women with big mouths.

Not to be completely random…..BUT….

Last night I feel asleep on the couch. Sometime between last night at 11:30 and this morning at 6:30 I managed to get up, take my contact out, wash my face and brush the teeth and get into bed.

Apparently, I also felt the need to drag the couch pillow to bed with me, and not the little side pillow…NOPE the big back pillow. I was all snuggled up to it when I woke up. I hope I didn’t take advantage of it….and used protection.

Changing the Channel…………..
Waking up next to a strange pillow reminded me of the time I was convinced Chris’ apartment was going to get broken into.

I was staying there b/c my freshman roommate’s (NOT current roommate) boyfriend was in for the weekend…and honestly….I did not want to wake up to them having sex again. Anyway, Chris was gone for some away game and I was all alone in the apartment. About 11:30 I heard noises, figured it was someone coming to pillage me and so I did what anyone else would do. I grabbed my lacrosse stick and one of his hockey sticks and went back to bed.

Sometime later I felt something moving next to me and then touch my back. Without hesitating I whipped around and hit the person/thing/space alien very very hard with the lacrosse stick. It grabbed the stick and before I could wield my hockey stick of pain the thing cried out, “JOANIE!!! IT’S ME!”

Then the lights went on and I saw lying in bed holding his stomach and the stick was Chris. There was a bright red mark across his naked tummy…and it did not look pleasant.

In my defense WHO the hell lurks into their apartment at night. He used some lame excuse like he knew I wasn’t feeling well and didn’t want to wake me.

The stick left a bad mark….we’re talking someone asked if he had gotten it in the game that night.

And you know how men are. They get sick or hurt with the smallest thing and its like they have Ebola. So for the next could of days it was “oh my stomach hurts.” “Don’t hit me there.” Blah blah blah.

Come on…..you play college hockey. I am sure my little whack with the lacrosse stick isn’t as bad as a 230 lb man on skates throwing all their body weight into you.

(Is it bad I went straight from talking about the CAWC to talking about abusing my boyfriend???)

Now for something completely different……

If you live in the NYC area please be on the lookout for two 24 year old men wearing Red Wings Jersey and threatening to jump off the Empire State Building.

If you live in the Denver area, please be on the lookout for a very well dressed metrosexual male with a red wings sticker on his BMW who might be five seconds from driving off a mountain.

The Wings were eliminated last night and my friends are not handling it to well. This is a very low blow since their demi-god Steve Yzerman will probably be retiring at the end of the year (which is now) and they wanted him to go out on a cup.

And finally…..

My boss informed me today that yesterday I looked like shit.

I told him yesterday I had a terrible headache and was dead tired.

I have yet to tell him I could care less about baseball or his friend’s sexual escapades. B/c really….if I’m not getting any……..I do NOT want to hear about a 45 yr old divorcee getting any.

One more thing…………

I need to make a new work play list……I caught myself listening to “Let’s Talk About Sex” by Salt n’ Pepa and then “Just a Lil bit” by Brett’s Homeslice Fiddy.

~~This bit of ADD entry brought to you by my Diet Coke addiction and the Kelly Clarkson playlist.

Is it a kid or a midget?

2006-04-27T13:42:00.000-05:00

Roommate, Sarah, Katherine and I all went to the White Sox game last Sunday. It was a great game. Not only were there back to back homers TWICE, hot sox players, and good hotdogs….but sitting behind me was midget baseball guru.

Ok fin, he wasn’t really a midget so much as a 4 year old, but he was a guru. The kid knew EVERYTHING about the Chicago White Sox. I asked him who his favorite players were and he rattled off (perfectly) three very hard to pronounce and spell names. He also said when he was ONLY 3 he went to the World Series.

He was ADORABLE!!! The little guy even took it upon himself to teach Roommate and I some things about baseball and White Sox history. We would ask questions and get this “I can’t believe you don’t know this” look.

When things would happen throughout the game he would tap me on the shoulder (which I could barely feel) and let us know what just happened. After the 5th time his dad went to tell him to stop and the little guy responded: “but daaaaad, the Gurrlzzz need to know what’s going on. They’re my friends.” I let daaaaad know that the gurrlzzzz didn’t mind the help.

I’m still convinced he was a midget and not a four year old. He was really cute. Looked a lot like this kid (minus the sign langauge):

Everyone says this is my future kid. Whatever
that's such a lie. We all know my kid would be
in Spartan attire when he did this charming thing!

After relating the story to my mom she said I was a lot like that at 2, but I repeated everything I heard from my uncles. Which meant I was giving the football stats with the f word sporadically placed sentences.

Chris was like this at that age but with hockey. For his 22nd Birthday his mom sent down a video for us to play at his party. It showed 4 year old Chris in his Maple Leafs Jersey rattling off hockey scores, facts, stats, etc. Which was a lot like this Sox kid, but with hockey and a Canadian accent. EH?

Oh and apparently it’s a bad idea to ask a 4 yr old (possible midget) Sox fan if he likes the cubs too. The kid looked like I kicked him and then said (in a voice like he was being beaten) NOOOOOOOOOO! THE CUBS SUCK!

One Man's Skim Milk Is Another's Jug O' Wine

2006-04-11T15:35:00.000-05:00

My mom just called and informed me that my aunt who is hosting Easter would like me to bring an appetizer to Easter Dinner. I guess being out of college and having a job requires me to now bring crap to family get together.

I find it odd that she would want me to bring an appetizer. We always have so many appetizers at these holidays. The only thing we have more of is pies. (My mom is obsessed with Baker’s Square Pies…she brings them to EVERYTHING!)

What my aunt should really be asking me to bring is alcohol, preferably hard liquor, and some sort of mood altering drug. Honestly, we can not go more then one hour without someone getting into it with someone else. Yes, my family holidays are THAT fun.

If I had my way the mood altering drugs would be handed out at the door. I will even volunteer to take people’s coats and hand them the pills.

Unfortunately, this is not something my family has agreed to yet and so I will have to self medicate. My Uncle Tom always brings his own gallon of skim milk to holidays (apparently afraid of rapid bone loss,) keeps it by his feet and drinks it throughout the event. I am going to do the same thing, but with wine.

Sometime during the experience my uncle will make fun of my sister for being a vegetarian. As soon as the comment is out of his mouth he will laugh like it’s the funniest damn thing in the world. She’s been a vegetarian for six years, the jokes are getting old.

Knowing my sister is a vegetarian my aunt will ensure that there is meat in almost everything there could be meet in; ham in the scalloped potatoes, bacon in the salad, appetizers made from meat. Allie’s Easter dinner would consist of rolls, carrots and celery if my mom did not anticipate this and bring vegetarian lasagna. Allie MUST get to the meal line first or my grandfather and cousin will eat the whole vegetarian thing before she gets there.

I get to share in this joy as mushrooms are put in everything possible due to the fact I hate them. I don’t know if my family does this on purpose or if they really did smoke that much crack in their developmental years.

By the time dinner is over we will realize that regardless of the fact my aunt nagged for two weeks for a head count of everyone coming, she will still have maid enough ham and turkey to feed a small country.

My one cousin will have already stormed up to his room in an angst teenage rage. (Poor kid has an HDTV, xbox, play station, etc in his room. His clothes are more expensive then what I pay in rent. It must be soooooooooooo hard for him.) Normally he doesn’t even show up to holidays anymore, but this is will be held at his house. My aunt says he’s “sick.” Deej and I have decided that he either has the world’s worst immune system or by sick she means high.

While we are preparing desert (the 1000000 pies all brought by my mother) my aunts will grill me on my personal life. Basically they want to know if I am dating anyone and how much money he makes. I haven’t decided yet if I am going to tell them the truth or lie. I guess it all depends on how much of the wine I have drank by that time.

While this is all going on my baby cousin (3 years old) will be trying to do little kid stuff like walk up and down the step separating the living room and kitchen, play with the cats, eat things off the floor. However, he will only get to do those things once before his parents see and freak out. They treat him like he’s the boy in the bubble. However, he has an immune system.

And he doesn’t get the fun bubble. I should get him a bubble for Easter.
"LOOK RILEY!!!! The Easter Bunny brought you your own personal hell."

By the end of the night I’ll be buzzed, my cousin high, my uncles fighting and my grandfather will be given a plate full of leftovers that could feed him for a week.

He’ll eat them all the minute my mom gets him home; including the plate full of sugary deserts. Apparently they are good for his DIABETES.

For most families Easter is a time for celebrating the resurrection of Jesus Christ, for me is a warning to being two bottles of wine to Christmas.

Idiots.....Phone Home

2006-04-10T16:03:00.000-05:00

Gwyneth Paltrow had her baby, and it’s a boy. Sadly she did not go with the names sauce or pie as Erica and I were hoping. No she went with Moses.

Me: “Gwyneth Paltrow had her baby, she named it Moses”
Erica: “Is she planning on floating this one down a river when she gets sick of it”
Me: “He would be handy in a flood.”

Ok, I realize that Moses isn’t as weird as naming your kid after produce, but what ever happened to naming kids Chris and Sarah?

Sometimes I think people try to hard to be cool when naming children. Jason Lee named his son Pilot Inspector. Yeah. I know.

Here’s my advice, you want to name your kid something stupid…..get a dog, name the dog Luffa Bell, and name your daughter Laura.

Roommate’s ex-boyfriend used to say he wanted to name his son Elliot. Now, on its own Elliot isn’t a bad name. However, around anyone alive during the E.T. era it spells disaster. Especially if roommate was the mother, b/c she would be making fun of the kid.

Roommate: (in E.T. voice) EEELLLLIIIOOOTTTT!!! (In normal voice) Dinner is ready.
Me: ELLLLIIIOOOTTTT, please pass the potatoes.
Elliot: do you two have to do that?
Roommate: do what? ELLLIIIIOOOOTTTT.

Sometimes I wonder what I will name my kids. I like Abby, Hanna and Haley for girls and Aidan, Ryan and Andrew for boys. However, if I were to name the children something “original” I would name the twins Law & Order and the other kid Potato.

In other news:

My mortgage contact at Country Wide Home Loans came by and brought us mugs filled with candy. I only got two (2) red starbursts. So I took all my other candy and all the other starburst colors,…..went to the three other desks in the office….dumped out their mugs…took all their red starbursts and left my reject candy.

It’s the little things in life that make me happy.

Prison Orange Makes Me Look Ill

2006-04-05T16:59:00.000-05:00

Last night I worked a college night at a local high school. I was there all spiffy and to give kids information on going to MSU.

The night went pretty smoothly. Its nice being there b/c I am a lot closer in age to these kids then the other reps from MSU are (I’m 24 and the closest one to my age is about 35.) It’s fun talking to different people and sharing with them why I loved State and everything State has to offer.

At one point in time I was talking to this girl, her twin brother and his best friend. We started with academics (the girl wanted teaching or human service…which I know A LOT about…the boys wanted engineering…so I was at a loss with them) but then got on the topic of sports. Cue the next 15 minutes lost to football and basketball talk, and how great watching sports at State is. I even had pictures with me of my friends and me in the IZZONE, at football games and in the slapshots. Those three left very excited.

So as I am packing up two guys came to the table and starting asking questions. One kid looked like he was about 13. The other looked about 25. He was about 6 feet tall, built, scruffy face and a real cutie. However, he was only 17 and a junior!!! This is how people get in trouble.

The conversation started off all normal and innocent enough, but then took and interesting turn.

Me: “Is there anything else I can help you guys with?”
25 yr old look alike: “How long have you been at state?”
Me: “Oh, I graduated two years ago.”
Other kid: “Really, you’re very young looking.”
M: “Um, thanks.”
25yola: “yeah, so do you live around here.”
M: “I live in Chicago. Its nice b/c there are a lot of State Alum in the city.”
25yola: “That’s nice. So are all the girls at MSU as pretty as you are?”
M: blushing a bit. “Um, any other COLLEGE related questions I can help you with?”
25yola: “Not right now, but can I have your phone number so I can call you when I do have some?”
Me: “You know, we have a website that can answer most of your questions. Anything outside you can email Ron over here with!”

25yola takes my hand to shake it and does that hold onto it with both hands thing, then he WINKS AT ME!

OK, was I just hit on by high school students???? B/c seriously, what were they thinking!!!! MAAAYYYBBBEE if I was still in college and BRAIN DEAD I would go out with a kid still in high school? He’s Nicole’s brother’s age!! It would be like dating Ross. (Whom I love…but not like that) ick…ick…ICK!!!

Earth to 25yola I was in 2nd grade when you were born. I was in the beginnings of puberty before you were potty trained!! I was driving before you learned that your real best friend was your right hand!!!

COME ON!!!! DO I look like Mary Kay Laturno??? NO!

Oh well, you’ve got to give the kid something, he sure does have some balls.

Sammiches gooooooooood......

2006-04-04T11:53:00.000-05:00

I was riding on the over cramped purple line yesterday on my way home from work. Being sammiched between one very tall attractive guy and a shorter attractive guy sounds like a lot of fun, but when your nose is about 2 millimeters away from their chest…its kinda of awkward. Thinking this couldn’t get anymore uncomfortable, my phone rings and I have to get into my pocket with my right hand (my right arm is being smashed by these two teenagers making out….yes…making out….on the crowded L!!!) Halfway through the MSU fight song (my ring tone) I finally answer the phone.

Me: “K?”
Kayla: “Yeah, hey…why are you whispering?”
M: “I’m on the L and don’t want to be loud, why are you whispering,”
K: “B/c you were….oh never mind.”

~the conversation isn’t to interesting from here on out. We talk about getting Red Wings and Pistons playoff tickets and such. Then we go onto how the weekend was and finally the gossip hits. As we get to this lovely topic I am walking off the L and down the stairs. I have previously mentioned (about 5 secs before) the name of the girl I was talking about.

M: “Yeah, and I don’t know. She’s kinda stuck up and a bitch and not the fun kind of bitch like you, me and roommate.”

~as I say this I notice that two people in front of me is Ken (named changed to protect me). Ken would be a really good friend of this girl’s roommate.

M: “No, Kayla! We’re not talking about June (again, protecting me) anymore. We left that topic about 5 minutes ago. I was talking about Chrissie.
K: “What are you talking about?”
M: “You said that you ran into Chrissie and I was commenting on her being a bitch.”
K: ”I don’t even know a Chrissie. What the HELL are you going on about?”
M: “You’re right, at least I don’t have to see her anymore.”
K: “Ok, can you fill me in on the conversation you and the voices are having?”
M: “So, do you guys want to come up for the Sox / Tigers game this summer?”
K: “Joanie?? Were you smoking crack again?”

~Finally, Ken turns down his street and I am no longer behind him. I have to explain to Kayla about what just happened and why I was acting all nutty.

Ok, this really serves me right. I should NOT be talking about these people and using actual names knowing that they or their friends live by.

I can just imagine the get together.

M: “Hey, June. Do you want a drink?”
J: “So you think I’m a bitch and stuck up.”
M: “WHAT? NO! Who told you that?”
J: “Ken did.”
M: “Please. Ken? You’re going to take his word over mine?”
~~blank stare
J: “Yes! I am not a bitch. You are just jealous b/c I look like I haven’t eaten in three weeks, have a boyfriend I control like a lap dog and am better then you in all ways. Now if you will excuse me….. I have to go tell my boyfriend not to eat that cocktail weenie.”

Ok the last comment was kind of harsh, but when someone wears a bathing suit and looks like a refuge from the Irish Potato Famine….something needs to be said. PLUS she is a bitch and stuck up, and really....I have no idea why.

Blackmail. My Favorite Childhood Game

2006-03-31T11:23:00.000-06:00

The shocks on my car sound like they need to be oiled. Do you oil shocks? Well, anyway, if they need to be fixed I guess I am heading back up to St. Joe.

My dad’s friend owns a body shop and I always take my car there to be fixed. Now one may ask, “Is it worth the drive, time off work and gas money?” Simple answer, YES!

There are many reasons why I enjoy making the trip.
1. My grandparents are there and I get to spend time with them
2. My car gets fixed for next to nothing (compared to what it would cost)
3. My dad and Nonie are AMAZING cooks and I get to eat something that isn’t a turkey burger or a Lean Cuisine.
4. No matter what I look like Les tells me I’m pretty.

Now the last one is the best reason. KIDDING!!!! It’s the second best reason. Seeing my family is the best. However, hearing how pretty you are, no matter what you look like, is always an added bonus.

One time I went in and was working on 3 hours sleep and a strict diet of beer. We’re talking by the grace of god I was sober when I woke up. The bloodshot puffy eyes that were hiding under the giant sunglasses were almost as cool as the hickey’s I apparently received during my 3 hour drunk make out session with Chris.

SIDE NOTE: WHAT!!! Are we still in high school!!! What self respecting 22 year old marks up his poor girlfriend like that?? Apparently those messed up Canadians.

I am sitting in the office (clean and showed but hung over) and trying to keep my hair covering the giant purple mark on the right (ear area) side of my neck while I do some of the paperwork. Les comes back and says: “You get prettier every time I see you.”

Me: “Les, you’re such a good liar.”
Les: “No, I mean that. Sorry if its to bright in here, I can put the shade down.”
Me: “No, its ok. I like my sunglasses.”

~As I sit there Jody, Les’s son who’s my age, walks in.

Les: “Jo, doesn’t Joanie get prettier every time we see her.”
Jody: “yeah dad, but right now she looks pretty hung over.”

~THANKS ASSHOLE!!!

Me: “Gee golly Jo…you’re MUCH too kind.”

~Les walks out to get something leave me and funny man alone

Jody: “I could have mentioned the dark hickey on your neck. YOU apparently had fun last night.

Me: “I don’t know what you’re talking about. I have a cold, hence the eyes, and I got hit in the neck with a ball. It’s a bruise.

~we both laughed at that one.

Jody: “You better be nice to me. Or I’ll tell my dad and Neil about how their little princess is letting some guy feel her up.”

Me: “You better shut your fucker. Or I’ll tell your brother about the time we all went camping and YOU watched him mess around with Sarah in the camper when our parents were at the bar. My dad will be disappointed; your brother will kick your ass. I win.”

That shut him up! I think the best thing about knowing someone for almost your whole life is the ability to blackmail them.

Joanie.....you are NOT the father.

2006-03-29T12:31:00.000-06:00

The thing I love most about my friends is that they too have CRAZY relatives. In Dave’s case it’s his mother, Jan. Now she is about as sweet as a pixie stick, but not completely there.

Well last night Dave called to inform me that his mother figured out what has been ailing him. Dave has been pretty sick. (Probably with a cold, you know how men get when they are sick) Jan has decided he has Scarlet Fever, b/c “it has been going around.” Scarlet fever???

We laughed about it for a bit. Dave made a joke about being Nicole Kidman in Moulin Rouge. Said he couldn’t have scarlet fever b/c he’s not singing “Come What May” on a swing suspended form the ceiling.

Um, Dave, she had Tuberculosis, but it was a funny comment anyway. (Moron. SOMEONE doesn’t want E.R.)

As funny as Dr. Jan’s diagnosis was, it can’t touch what happened to Chad.

Back in my freshman year of college a terrible winter hit and as you would expect we all got sick. Chad seemed to get it the worse (or whine the most about it) so we took him to Olin Health Care Center (on campus medical place.) They did a strep test, took blood and a urine sample.

The next day when Chad called into the center for his test results he was told that his strep test was negative (only had a minor throat infection), blood test normal (no mano), and he was Preggers.

Chad gets off the phone and goes, “Well, I am going to be ok, but she just told me I was pregnant. So J, looks like even though we haven’t slept together I guess your such a good kisser u can knock guys up.”

Yes, apparently I am that good.

So, I did what any expected father would do. I grabbed Kayla (her car and Brett’s Credit Card) and went to Meijer. There we bought everything needed for a baby shower.

When the guys came into Kayla’s room that night for Pizza and dirty movie night (a whole nother story…) they were greeted with an “It’s a BOY” banner hanging over the window, a cake with a stork on it, bottles filled with rum and coke, and other little baby shower party favors.

Apparently, Tom and Matt had the same idea b/c they showed up with presents. The presents included: a breast pump, maternity pants and a “they shake me” baby t-shirt.

We also discussed baby names. Since we both agreed that the baby would not be called Charles John McCaffery IV, we came up with some more original ones. I was partial to Long Island or Yager bomb since that’s what we were drinking in the night the little one was conceived. Chad, however, favored Yzerman (for Stevie Y…Chad’s Hero.) We then decided on a C-Section as Chad is one to bitch and moan about a little sore throat….he would die during natural childbirth. (The guys all freaked out when I mentioned Dilating)

In the midst of out little party and all the plans we were making for our future Chad got a call from a doctor at Olin saying someone mixed up the test results and he was not preggers after all.

WEEELLLL, let me tell you what a relief that was to me. I mean I was in NO WAY ready to be a daddy. I mean I would have to get a real job, go on 3 am pickle and peanut butter runs AND deal with mood swings. Honestly, at 18 I just wasn’t ready for that shit.

However, I did wonder what it would have been like to be a dad. I would have made such a great dad. Plus, we could have TOTALLY gone on Maury’s “Baby Mama Drama” Show.

Chris got this autograph when his buddies and him went to the show a while ago. Check out the smile, Maury seems like the type to pick the name Yager Bomb for the kid.

Don't Cry, You Look Like a Sissy

2006-03-28T15:39:00.000-06:00

I don’t like it when men cry. I just don’t. I don’t handle it well. Remember Tom Hanks in “A League of Their Own”?

Jimmy Dugan: Are you crying? Are you crying? ARE YOU CRYING? There's no crying, there's no crying in baseball. Rogers Hornsby was my manager, and he called me a talking pile of pigshit. And that was when my parents drove all the way down from Michigan to see me play the game. And did I cry? NO. NO. And do you know why?
Evelyn Gardner: No, no, no.
Jimmy Dugan: Because there's no crying in baseball.

That’s how I feel about men crying. Now there are times in everyone’s life when crying is acceptable. A loved one dies or is dieing, babies are born (more tears of joy), you lose someone very close to you, etc.

But in most cases it’s not ok. Pull down your pants and take a look. Those are balls. Act like they are more then just decoration and STOP CRYING! You don’t need to cry b/c I ma 5 minutes later, cry b/c you can’t get your way, cry b/c they cancelled your favorite T.V. show. What are you 2?

I am a girl and I don’t even cry that much. Ok I get emotion during some movies and get a little misty, but I also have ovaries and over active hormones. It’s normal.

One of my Ex’s (shall remain nameless) liked to cry. Well, maybe he didn’t like it but he sure the hell did it enough. We would get into a fight and next thing I knew he was CRYING!!! One of our last fights ended like this:

“WHAT ARE YOU CRYING FOR?!”
“Well, I just don’t think you understand what’s going on”
“um, you’re crying. What don’t I understand?”
“No I meant about everything else.”
“So your natural response is to CRY? Maybe that works with Slutty McSpreads her legs, but not with me. Now, not only do I want to dump you but I want to hit you really hard.”

I mean he CRIED ALL THE TIME! We probably had about 3 or 4 big fights over 8 months and each time he started the damn crying. I was in shock! Each time I just stared with my mouth open, amazed that this guy was crying. CRYING!!

I heard he was getting married. I was thinking about sending him a wedding gift. A years supply of Kleenex and some Visine. The only thing he’s going to need more then that is a paternity test from Maury Povich. (but that’s a whooooole nother story!)

Now I am sure you are asking yourself what I think is an acceptable time to for men to cry, well here they are: (Leaving out the ones listed above. These may be added to in the future)

The 1980 Olympic Hockey Team: A bunch of kids just beat the USSR and went on to win the gold. We’ve all seen the movie, we all know the story. For them to cry, the fans to cry and the rest of us to get all misty watching the movie is understandable. ~~ Men go ahead and cry (but unless you were one of the players, don’t bawl)

Brian’s Song: Saddest made for TV movie EVER!!! And I am NOT talking about the remake from 5 years ago, I am talking about the original with James Caan and Billy Dee Williams. I’ve seen the toughest men get all misty when Brian Piccalo dies. (I cry from the minute he gets cancer until his death.) I mean even the summary is sad: “Based on the real-life relationship between teammates Brian Piccolo and Gale Sayers and the bond established when Piccolo discovers that he is dying.”

You are an athlete and you just won a National Title / Championship: You’re happy, it’s over and you are the world Champions. Nothing, not even sex, is greater then this moment. For one year you are the BEST. Go ahead an shed a few….you deserve it!

You are an athlete and you just lost a big game: Ok sure every game is important, but I am talking NBA finals, MARCH MADNESS, Super Bowl Important. You’re a team that was supposed to go all the way or at least not loose the first game. Your emotions are high and your feeling pretty low. Just ask J.J. Reddick or Adam Morrison. They were supposed to be the NCAA “IT” boys who would lead their teams all the way…..they are home right now, eating cheetos. It sucks. So shed a few, but try to be a real man about it and DON’T throw a temper tantrum and maybe….just maybe…cover your face a bit….you’re not trying to win an Soap Opera Award.

So if you are a guy and you are about to turn on the water works, just ask yourself. Is what you are about to cry over something worth crying over? Do you really want to be known as the crier?

Yes, as women we do want our men to be sensitive (to a POINT) but if your definition of sensitive is crying all the time…..then you might want to either change that or look for a date in Boystown.

Note: This was inspired by ESPN columnist Brian Murphy. Check out his anti-crying campaign here: http://sports.espn.go.com/espn/page2/story?page=murphy/060328

UPDATE 3/29/2006 @ 9:34 a.m:
I found a picture of my Ex. I know I said I wouldn't name names, but here is a picture of him crying....so I thought I would share.

He could be a little dramatic at times.

Some more examples:

Acceptable:

A Little Much:

A Thug In Preppy Clothing

2006-03-28T12:20:00.000-06:00

Today “Get Rich or Die Tryin'” staring Fiddy Cent (50 cent for all my non-gansta friends) comes out on DVD. Now I have not seen this movie yet, but I really want to rent it. Is it because I really like rap music? Am I a huge fan of Fiddy? Maybe it’s the summary of the movie that draws me: (from IMDB) “A tale of an inner city drug dealer who turns away from crime to pursue his passion, rap music”

WOW!!! Why wasn’t Mr. Cent nominated for an Oscar? I mean he REALLY had to go outside of character for this role. Do you think it he faced the same struggles Eminem did preparing for 8 mile? Skinny white trailor trash grows up, becomes rich white rapper, and grows as an artist by acting in a movie and playing Skinny white trailer trash. (Ok…I have to say…I love 8 mile and Eminem.)

No I want to see this movie b/c my friend Brett LOVES this movie. I think he saw it about 3 or 4 times in the theater and has been waiting for it to come out. Today he was right there when Best Buy opened and bought it. Maybe there is some misunderstood bond between Brett and Fiddy? Maybe when Brett sees Fiddy he sees something in himself that is longing to come out. Hmmmm…one would ponder….ok…let’s compare the two:

Brett Breslin:

~6’4 and built. Resembles an A&F model
~blond hair and blue eyes
~Frat boy, and not just any frat….he’s a Beta (Beta Theta Pi)
~has been known to pop his collar and wear pastel button downs (Kayla has ended that thank god)
~Upper class white boy who spent 3 years in a European Boarding School
~amazing friend
~used to be the BIGGEST man whore, but now has embraced something called commitment
~has a scar on his leg from getting tackled playing football and landing on broken glass (I don’t know…don’t ask)
~has suffered numerous injuries from Extreme Air Hockey
~Enjoys drinking, hockey, football and basketball.
~Parents divorce and was pretty much raised by grandparents
~close friends/entourage includes: Kayla, Chad, Tom, Matt, Me, Kyle, Tim, Susan and Laura

~~information compiled by Kayla and Me

Curtis “50 Cent” Jackson III

~Lived in New York City all his life
~Raised by his grandparents after his father ran out and his mother was shot when he was only eight. (his mom was only 23..yeah do the math)
~Originally wanted to be a heavyweight boxer, but eventually fell back on rapping.
~Was shot nine times, two shots hitting him in the head, the bullet that struck his face he carries as a reminder of what happened.
~Has a son: Marquise, nicknamed 25 cent
~Neither drinks alcohol nor smokes.
~Close friends / entourage includes: Eminem, Dr. Dre, the Game, G-Unit members: Tony Yayo, Lloyd Banks, Young Buck, Shs Money XL and DJ Whoo Kid.

~information brought to you by IMDB.com

Ok, so I’m looking at the list and so far I see: They are both men raised by their grandparents who like sex. Both have battle scars. Brett’s are from a football game we played instead of going to class……50 cent’s are from being SHOT 9 TIMES!!!!!!!!

So I don’t get it. I guess the next step is to just rent the movie and see what’s so amazing, but I think in the end I will just realize that this is just another one of Brett’s movies that he likes for NO apparent reason.

Although who am I to judge? Two of my guilty pleasures include:

Bring It On:
Torrance Shipman: Courtney, this is not a democracy, it's a cheerocracy. I'm sorry, but I'm overruling you.
Courtney: You are being a cheer-tator Torrance and a pain in my ass!

And

Honey:
Chaz: Besides, I never mess up a kid's head, especially when his mom's in the shop.
Honey: [Chuckles] He's eight. That would have made me 14. I'm not that kind of girl.
Chaz: My bad.
Honey: We just peoples.
Raymond: Yeah, we peoples.
Chaz: You peoples? Playa, playa, how'd you swing that? I've been tryin' to be her peoples for weeks. Ain't had no luck.
Raymond: I got flow. [All laughing]
Chaz: I got flow too. You don't think I got some flow?
Raymond: Maybe not as much as me.

Come on kiddies admit it, you like one or both of these movies too! Bring It On is hysterical (male cheerleaders?? A cheer off?? Does it GET any better?) And Honey is a powerful thought driven movie with Shakespeare like dialog (see above.) With some kick ass dance moves, Romeo, Missy Elliot, and two of my favorites: Jessica Alba and Mekhi Phifer!

What are some of your guilty pleasures??? It will be between you, me and the other 2743984753920573209753298753295732895 (ok more like 6) people who read this.

Herpies Pop Their Collars

2006-03-27T11:33:00.000-06:00

Roommate and I once convinced two guys at a bar that we were dolphin trainers, for no particular reason except we were intoxicated and like fucking with people. This is how the conversation went down:

Roommate walks up to me and goes “we’re dolphin trainers.”

Me: “um ok.” I walk over to the table

Guy #1: “So what do you do?”

Me: “I’m a dolphin trainer.”

Guy #2: “where do you work?”

Me: ::roommate didn’t tell me where. “The Brookfield Zoo.” (apparently roommate said the same place.....drunk assholes think alike.)

G#1: “So what do you say to the dolphins to get them to do tricks?”

Me: giving him the ‘you should know this look.’: “We don’t TALK to the dolphins. We use whistles for commands. Like when you want them to jump around the tank you go ‘doooo doo’ (whistle sound), and when you want them to go backwards on their tails its ‘doo doooooooooooooo do do.”

Roommate: “I can’t believe you’re doing out calls at the bar!”

G#2: “Ok, where do you keep the dolphins in the winter?”

Me: again giving the you’re an idiot look. “Same place you keep them in the summer, in the INDOOR TANK.”

G#1: “What do you feed them?”

Roommate: “FISH! Now, this is enough…we do NOT have to justify our careers to you two.”

Doing these things to guys at bars is fun. I mean, most of the time you’re not interested in them and it doesn’t matter what you tell them. That is until you get caught.

Now when I’m drunk I enjoy telling people my name is Zoey and I give out the phone number to Empire Carpets (and I ONLY did that in Michigan.) Its easier then telling them that they have a better chance at seeing Paris Hilton win a Nobel Peace Prize and an Oscar in the same year.

So one night I am out with Kayla and some of her friends when we are approached by some fratties with their popped collars. There were about six of us girls, and since four of them made it very clear they were either engaged or lesbians…..the fratties focused their attention on Kayla and myself. After about an hour of free drinks Pink Popped Fratty (PPF) asked for my number and so I give it to him.

Me: “Its 773-588-2300.”
PPF: writes it down and then goes “Um, I’m from Chicago to. So unless you live with the Empire Carpet man….I’ll take the hint.”

OK not to bad….then 3 days later we’re at a Red Wings game when Brett’s cousin shows up with PPF!!!

He sees me and says something to Josh. To which Josh reply’s,”yeah that's Joanie….she’s an asshole!” (Winks at me….he meant it out of love.)

PPF: “Joanie?? Wait so your name is Joanie? B/c before she gave me the carpet number she told me her name was Zoey and that her dad named her after a Moroccan Princess he used to work for.”

Kayla: about to pee her pants. “MOROCCAN PRINCESS? No she was named after her grandmother. God, are you gullible.”

Me: “Yeah sorry. I probably would have given you a chance had you not walked into the bar with a PINK popped collar, immediately ordered a red bull and vodka, and said to me ‘ Like the shirt….it can be on your floor tomorrow morning.’”

Moral of the story? If you meet me in the bar and I have been drinking….their is a 40% chance I’m going to lie to you. If you’re a guy in a pink shirt and popped collar and/or drink red bull and vodka and/or use stupid pick up lines…..that chance increases to 98%.

Basically it’s a Lie to STD ration. The bigger my chances of getting an STD are from you…..the Bigger the lies and ditch outs are going to be.

A Lunatic's Slide Show

2006-03-24T14:47:00.000-06:00

So some people (KAYLA & CHRIS) aren't on facebook and want to see my pictures that I keep promising to email. Well, I'm bored....so I will post them on the blog.

Ok, here's the deal. I am going to give them captions..but feel free to submit funnier ones via the comments section and/or email me @ joanie.maria@gmail.com. Oh and people, do a better job of this activity then you did at the animal scale. NOW GO!!!! (anyone who reads nicole's blog and saw the "NOW GO" on hers...yeah she got that shit from me. and i got it from my carnie friends)

OK kiddies here are random pics brought to you by ME!

That's our basketball court. My freshman year Brett was giving us a tour and dared me to try a three point shot. I (clad in jeans and boots with heals) put on my game face....stand at the line...grannied the shot....and made it. In my celebration I jumped up and upon landing slid (i had heals on like an asshole) fell on my ass. "Way to go joanie....scuff up the NCAA Championship floor" I'm glad he was worried about my safety.

Block S, center court...Kennice and I were going to kiss it for love of state and good luck, but seeing as though sweaty basketball players were on it about 20 min prior....we decided to skip that part of the day.

I have no idea what roommate was doing. We were drinking and karaoking that night. Anything was possible. However, I do think we were making fun of sluts who drop it like its hot. (that wasn't funny)

Kennice and I center court. Yeah we're hot...we're sexy...we're SPARTANS!!!

Ass shot of Shannon Brown, yes the same Shannon Brown from my crazy grandfather entry.

Ok...simply put this is a picture of me molesting Sparty. Hey he has a rock solid ass....a girl has gatta hit that once and a while. Sadly, this is NOT the first time I have done this.....it was just the first time sober...and the first time Kayla wasn't doing something even MORE inappropriate in front of him. Use your sick minds.

OK and now that college basketball season is over (as far as I am concerned) here is a picture of my FAVORITE moment during the 2005-2006 Spartan Basketball season. Its like Shannon Brown is saying "Hello Ben Luber....would you like salt with my shoes....b/c you're eating them for dinner!!!" SPARTY ON!

NO Thank You, I Do Not Want To Be Your Baby Mama

2006-03-24T11:13:00.000-06:00

So work is always interesting when I am let out of my cage to go and run errands. Yesterday boss man had me going to the Cook County Courthouse in Maywood. Now I have gone to Maywood on two other occasions to file court documents, and every time I go I get asked out.

I know what your thinking, “Rock on J! Picking up some lawyers during working hour!”

No, no, no, no. Even better. I am picking up guys in court for parole violations and other interesting criminal and domestic matters.

Lets review:

1st trip to Maywood: I am standing in line for the metal detector when there is a tap on my shoulder. I turn around and there is this 5’8’’ish guy behind me. He must weight about 140lbs at the MOST but his pants look like they should be on a guy who is 7’0’’ and 300 lbs. I mean I get the low ride rapper look….but COME ON! You could fit an army of midgets in there.

The conversation flows like this: “hey mama, you lookin good.”
Me: “Um..thanks.”
G: “How bout after I’s done with this lil matter we go chill.”
Me: “Sorry, I’m working.”
G: “What? Is it b/c I’m a Mexican. You a racist or something.”
Me: I wanted to say no…its b/c I don’t pick up guys who’s pesky court matters are Domestic Violence charges (stupid had his subpoena in plain view) Instead I went with “No, its because I am a lesbian, and before you say anything no you can not join.”

Thank god the officer then rushed me through the check point and I was on my way to the files room.

2nd trip to Maywood:

I am standing by the Sheriff’s desk waiting to give them the papers to have some people served. Since they are working at the speed of a drag racing snail, its taking a loooong time. So I am leaning up against a wall when I am approached by a VERY VERY large black man with a tattoo on his neck and more jail tats on his arms.

JT: “Yo.”
Me: looks around, realizes that's my “Yo”. “hi”
JT: “So whatcha in for?”
Me: “Um..nothing. I’m waiting for the Sheriff. I need to get some people served.”
JT: “Coo Coo. I’m just waiting for my hearing. Minor drug and weapons charge. So can I call on you sometime?”

~~ok was the MINOR drug and weapons charge supposed to impress me? B/c IT DIDN’T!!!

Me: slightly nervous. “Oh, well that’s interesting. Um, call on me? Sorry. I, have this boyfriend. BIG. Really jealous. I can barely talk to other guys. So that wouldn’t be a good idea.”

He gives me this “your loss” look and walks away.

3rd trip to Maywood:

I don’t even get near the court house. I am walking from the car when these two guys walk toward me and stop. I get the once over and then this:

RG: incoherent mumbling “damn girl. You wanna be my baby mama? We’d make some beautiful mixed babies.”
Me: :Um……no thanks. I’m not really the baby mama type. Thanks for the complement though.”
RG: laughs with buddy. Mumbles again. “What if we just practice?”
Me: walking away. “Sorry, maybe next time.”

Yeah, so apparently if I am EVER in need of a date all I need to do is go to the court house in Maywood and pick up someone fresh off parole!!!

Hey! Now Kate and I can bring dates to Nicole’s wedding. I’ll just go to the court house and look around for two attractive large men with jail tats. Talk about interesting dates. Not only would they allow us to not go to the wedding alone…BUT…they would give Nicole’s grandparents something to talk about.

And my grandpa wanted to write me out of the will before…..he would DIE if he heard this one!!!

Don't Feed the Bridesmaid

2006-03-21T13:12:00.000-06:00

As some of you might have caught on (a la the posts about working out) I am on a working out / getting healthy kick. Well, not so much a kick as a life change. Now don’t worry, this isn’t going to be an entry talking about healthy food and the benefits of becoming a gym rat.

In order to become a healthier Joanie and to look stunning in all the weddings I will be in (I refuse to be the token fat bridesmaid you think might eat the skinny one if she doesn’t get to the reception asap)….I am currently working out 5-6 days a week and doing weight watchers.

I was talking to Nicole about my progress and I told her I lost about 20lbs so far. Her response (via email): “WOW! 20lbs?!? that is awesome! that's a lot! you just lost a fenster and a mcmanus. almost a carmen. yes, this is how i relate weight.” (fenster and mcmanus are her cats and Carmen is her mom’s dog….a cocker)

So it got me thinking, that IS a good way to relate weight. So from now on when I talk about how much I lost it will now be in animals.

As of right now here is the scale. Post a comment or email me at Joanie.maria@gmail.com if you have an animal that can represent a certain # of lbs!!!

SCALE:

2-2 ½: Roxy (The Megels’ yorkie/maltese mix)
5 lbs: Pepe’ (dog @ PAWS)
10 lbs: Fenster or McManus (nicole’s cats)
25 lbs: Carmen (Nicole's mom's Cocker)
55 lbs Sophie (my sister’s dog)
100 lbs: Baby Kelsey (my old dog when she was only 1 yr old)
150 lbs: Adult Kelsey

I bet you any money the craze will run wild like herpes during Greek Week!! Soon you and your friends will have conversations like this:

"So Joanie....how’s the weight watchers going"
"GREAT!!! i just lost another fenster!"
"Wow...fenster!! so total, you’re looking at fenster carmen?"
"yeah totally!!! you know...if i lost a puppy kelsey i would soooo be a nicole richie!"
"wow then you would have to eat about mcmanus in order to look normal again”
“but why would I?? The crypt keeper look is sooooooo in now.”

Just watch!! In three weeks you too will be using this scale! Have fun kiddies, and remember to send me a dollar every time you use the scale. Seriously, its only $1.00, small price to pay for the cool new lingo you and your friends will be using.

Next stop on the lunatic train……an indepth look into why Chris kept telling me it was SOOOO hard for him to gain weight and why in turn I did not drop the Honda on his head. (or in the event I don’t feel like it…..something else all together.)

UPDATE: 1:20 p.m. Kennice has added to the scale with her two dogs, and Opie will be 60lbs and a gus will be 40lbs! Thanks KENNICE!!!

Changing a Tire in the Winter, A Love Story

2006-03-16T14:42:00.000-06:00

Back by popular demand.....the story of my coming out party into the world of a functioning adult......enjoy

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There are many milestones in every girl’s life. First day of school, first crush, first kiss, learning to drive, getting married, you get the idea.

Well I would like to tell everyone about a magical moment, a HUGE first in my life. A time when I really felt like I was becoming a woman; I learned how to change a tire!

I know, I know, you are thinking “OMG JOANIE!! That is sooooo amazing! How old were you when this happened.”

Well kiddies, I was a young 18. Yes, to be so young and to be exposed to such a momentous occasion in ones life is something else. Let’s take a trip down memory lane and revisit such an amazing moment……

Picture it, December 2000. I was all done with my first semester of my freshman year at Michigan State. Chris and I were inside watching Brian’s Song (I was crying) and snuggling under a fleece blanket while outside it was -20 degree and the snow was up to our knees.

I lie their in Chris big strong arms and though, “wow, this is great.”

Little did I know there was evil afoot.

Chris: “babe, last night when I was getting the stuff out of the trunk of your car I noticed your tire was a little low”

Me: “um, ok.”

Chris: “Well have you checked the pressure, you know made sure it was right?”

Me: ::blank stare like he was speaking Canadian.

Chris: “Joanie, you do know how to check that right??” ::I shake my head:: Please tell me you have some car sense.” ::head shake:: “can you even change a tire?” I give him the no but look how cute I am look.

Chris: “Baby,” (yeah..i know..sick little pet names) “you drive from Chicago to East Lansing. You need to know these things. Ok, get up and you are going to learn.”

So after protesting about it being to cold, snow, etc. I was outside in the cold learning to change a tire.

I don’t remember all the details, but I do remember a lot of swearing, me almost doing something wrong that would cause the Honda to kill Chris, I lost ALL important screw, nuts, whatever in the snow, and the fingers turning purple.

Finally, about 1 ½ later (not counting the time it took to drive his Jeep to the car store and buy new things to hold the hub cap on) I changed my first time.

Now in my defense I am NOT an idiot, I am just completely retarded when it comes to anything dealing with cars and furnaces.

About a month later we were driving to a Red Wings game when one of the Jeep’s tires went flat.

Chris wanted me to SHOW HIM how to do it. (apparently he was that worried I would be driving to and from school and get into a freak tire changing accident)

While I struggled, he took pictures to send my mom. I got a little annoyed and stood up to yell at him, kicking the hub cap with all the screws in it (ala Ralphie from A Christmas Story). Funny man is still taking pictures and laughing.

Apparently after our last incident he went out and bought extra stuff “just in case you did it again.”

Asshole.

Chris and I have since broken up (we’re still friends), and he called me the other day to tell me he was going through his stuff and found those pics. (i guess they don't clean out the glove boxes in Canada) I am still useless when it comes to cars, and would prefer snuggling to changing a tire practice in -20 degrees.

Oh and I forgot the best part of that story, The Red Wings beat the Maple Leafs that night and as I won the bet he had to watch the Cutting Edge later that night.

TOOOEEEEEE PICK!

Slooooooow Day

2006-03-16T14:25:00.000-06:00

Today is super slow, and so boss man and I went for a 2 hr lunch at the bar next door to watch some NCAA action.

It was fun. I mean I wasn't in the office working and the food wasn't to bad. Plus we got to watch some NCAA action. So I thought I would come back here and putts around before I do some work.

Here's a couple things I want to address:

I noticed there were some typos on the last entry. I could go back and change it, but I really don't care enough. You all can deal. Just be lucky I use spell check at all.
Shout out to my loyal readers: Nicole and Kayla!! Without you, I don't think anyone would be reading this.
Double shout out to Nicole's cousin Kelly for clicking on the link and reading my blog. Thanks. If I was giving anything away I would tell you to check your mail...but I'm not...so don't bother.
Kayla asked me to repost the tire changing story (its on the myspace thing) So that will be posted above this.

Well that was about it. Nothing to funny. Well my boss did elude to the fact is he thinks his kid is growing up gay. I mean the kid does dance, show choir, and worries about bringing a butler on the Oregon Trail. I informed boss man his thoughts probably should have hit the roof when the kid did dance and show choir. I mean yeah the kid plays baseball, but come on. Although I shouldn't judge, maybe he uses his spirit fingers to catch grounders!

Next stop on that train is male cheerleading! ::Shudder::

side note: The spell check is broken. So I am sorry for how terrible this entry must be spelled.

Mirrors and the Elliptical Machine

2006-03-16T10:10:00.000-06:00

So the past two nights at the good old LPAC (Lincoln Park Athletic Club) has been interesting.

Now there is a diverse group of people there on any given night. However, I don’t work out until about 9:00 p.m. at night as to give me the best choices of machines and to avoid those crazy 8lb, bright spandex workout Nazis.

Tuesday night there was a few more people then normally, so instead of getting my favorite machine I was forced to the elliptical that is located by the large wall mirror. Please. I am NOT that ok with my body yet, but anyway that’s where I ended up.

I’m working out and watching L&O SVU, when this peppy little thing gets on the machine next to me. She’s in TIGHT black spandex pants, a sports bra top and equipped with her pink iPod (not knocking the pink), LV change purse, keys and cell phone.

So she gets on the machine and puts the resistance up as high as it will go. Cue her BOUNCING at a very high speed. I mean me and the guy next to her kept waiting for her to launch herself off the damn thing.

Now if that wasn’t bad enough, every couple minutes she would go really fast around and around on one foot. When this happened she would strike a pose and stare into the mirror. Which wouldn’t be to bad…except I was in between her and the mirror and she sighed like I was inconveniencing her.

This goes on for about 15 minutes before she gets on her phone and now she is yelling into it and bouncing at 100 mph. Now by this time SVU is over and I am listening to music…very loud. So this psycho must be screaming into the damn thing.

So finally get gets off and tells her friends “omg that was like the best workout ever. Its just o bad someone was in my way and I could not monitor my form.”

Ok psycho, maybe you could have moved to the machine on the other side of me and forgone watching Paris Hilton be a slut on E!.

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So while last night wasn’t as entertaining, it still had it moments.

I’m working out on my favorite machine and it was the best workout. I’m watching some basketball and listening (again loudly) to my new workout mix.

When out of the corner of my eye I notice the guy on the bike constantly staring, and he keeps this up for a while.

Now I do a 30 min set on the elliptical, get a drink, stretch and another 30 min set.

Now when I workout, it’s in black workout pants and an MSU t-shirt. 995 of the time b/c I have a million MSU t-shirts.

So staring guy (SG) comes up to me and goes “So, Michigan State grad?”

Me: “Yep”
SG: “Excited for the tournament?”
Me: “Yep”
SG “So who are you rooting for?”
Me:Blank stare, like are you serious?:: “Michigan State”
SG: “Oh, so not supporting u of i?”
Me: “no, I’m pretty much rooting for my own team.”
SG: “Which is your own team.”
Me: “Michigan State.”
“SG “Really? Well that would explain the t-shirt.”

Ok, was I the only one following the conversation? I believe we started this weird thing with the fact I went to State and was rooting for them.

So I get back on the machine and he keeps staring. I mean COME ON!!! Weirdo. How come normal guys never hit on my?

So for the record, I am rooting for Izzo and the boys and if I am in the way of you staring at yourself when you’re working out…..MOVE!

It's a rerun

2006-03-15T10:18:00.000-06:00

Ok. So you have probably already read this one, BUT I am posting it here b/c I am going to talk about the gym again....and this story is something I will more than likely refer back to. So read it again and enjoy!!! (Please note this was originally posted on January 25, 2006)

The Gym Reminds me of Greek Week

So this week hasn't been to bad, yet. For conversations sake I am going to start the week on Saturday, January 21, 2006, when my Michigan State Spartans routed Iowa 85-55. SPARTY ON!!!! Honestly, before I became a Spartan I wasn't that into basketball (and I grew up in Michael Jordan Chicago!!) but now I LOVE it.

From that glowing victory roommate and I went to the Sparty ball (an alumni event) and we met some fun and interesting people and ate some really good food. President Simon was there and she gave a really interesting speech (that or I was drunk.) We met this couple who was about 5 years older then us, and as I was talking to the husband (about sports) I mentioned and roommate and I have an Air Hockey table in lieu of a kitchen table.

His response: "WOW! that's great! your boyfriends must love that."

me: "nope single"

him: "really, b/c if I weren't married I would be dating you in a sec. Your attractive, fun, great sports fan with knowledge AND you have an air hockey table.

Kelly and I laughed about this on the way home, about how we do hear this a lot but apparently it must be our stunning personalities that are keeping us single!

Which leads me into something else. Why is it that men/boys are shocked or surprised when women like sports?? or would prefer sports over the Bachelor??

I was at the gym the other night working out and on the Big TVs and the personal TVs that are on the machines was The Bachelor tv show. (i am sure one or two personal ones were showing something else)

Now I have NEVER watched one of those shows (ok i did get sucked into Joe Millionaire, but thatÂs another story) so I do not get what the attraction is. I mean come on, 20 women acting like desperate assholes and sluts in order to win the affection of some guy. Its like being back in the sorority during Greek Week!

So as the rest of my fellow working out ladies are watching this mind numbing trash, I am watching the Texas / Oklahoma State Basketball game and waiting for the Kings / Ducks hockey game to start.

Now, as the two machines on either side of me empty, guys get on them and I notice something. Their machines do not have TVÂs and as they are working out they are craning their necks and watching the games with me. The guy on the right even tapped me on the shoulder and goes:
"hey, would you mind if I plug my headphones in to your sound box, since ur listening to music? I like the game commentary."

me (in my usual asshole fashion): "Wow that's forward!" :winks: he laughs "yeah no problem, just be aware that I am switching between the two games."

Then when my workout is over I get off the machine and guy on the left goes: "Hey thanks for not being like every other female in the world and actually watching something good."

NO problem men of the Lincoln Park Athletic Club, I am glad I could serve you well and in a way that still preserves my high morals and - 0 - STD count.

My Grandfather is Crazy

2006-03-10T14:31:00.000-06:00

WARNING!!! THIS ENTRY CONTAINS THE RACIST COMMENTS OF MY GRANDFATHER. By no way do his comments reflect the views of this blogger. I do not support the way my grandfather talks about some people, but in his defense if you are not Irish Catholic, you are not good enough for his family. Therefore, he is equally prejudice against non-Irish Catholics. (it should be noted NONE of my cousins are 100% Irish)
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I love my grandfather with all my heart, but he is a a little crazy. My sister and I grew up as his "two little Daygo girls." We were lucky b/c we were the ONLY cousins (for a long time) that weren't Polocks"

My grandfather is an ex-Chicago Cop (circa the 1960's), and the only people he hates more then the Democrats and Jessie Jackson are those "Shit smelling Hippies."

No matter how many times my sister tells my grandfather that her friend Angel is not purple, grandpa still refers to her as "the nicest colored girl he's ever met."

Get the picture yet?? He's like most 79 year old White Republicans.

Anyway, back in early February roommate and I were going to the MSU vs Northwestern Basketball game. My mom was giving us a lift b/c we were running late and she was going to my Aunt's house in Wilmette.

As many of you know, my FAVORITE Spartan is Shannon Brown. I like the dramatic dunks and he provides....plus I think he's a little hottie.

So I make a comment along the lines of dunking and him being a hottie (use your imagination), and my grandfather who NEVER hears anything my mom says to him....apparently heard that one.

So here we are about one month later and I have this conversation with him:

Grandpa has just told me that he thinks its a bad idea to date someone who isn't White Irish Catholic. I ask where this came from, and he says its been bothering him since that night I said something about the MSU basketball player.

i was like "GRANDPA!!! its all a joke...i've met the kid like 3 times."

"but he's black"

"yeah and i'm not dating him"

"where's he from"

"GRANDPA!! it doesn't matter"

"where's he from"

"holy shit..Maywood..he went to Proviso East" (I went to a "rival" h.s., rival in the aspect that they kicked our asses EVERY TIME we played them)

"OH! so it couldn't even be a N***** from a good area"

~~please be advised that for years I have been trying to get my grandfather to NOT USE that word, that's why I didn't address it in this conversation...I have been trying for a loooooooooong time!

"GRANDPA!!!! I AM NOT DATING THE GUY IT DOESN'T MATTER!!"

"you know....you would have N***** babies. Decent society would not want them."

~~i'm like...ok is he listening?? is the hearing aid in???

"GRANDPA!!! I AM NOT DATING SHANNON BROWN. I AM NOT DATING ANYONE!"

"oh so he's a n***** with a woman's name. he's probably gay."

~~~seriously...i thought i was in crazyville......population: my grandfather!!!!

"joanie, you should really think about what you want out of your life. you don't want to be supporting some n***** for the rest of ur life"

~~at this point i gave up and was like "He's going to the NBA, we'll be rich....so we can take our little mulatto babies and move to a deserted island"

"dump him or you're out of the will. if you dump him now i will give you $20.00 and keep you in the will"

i mean seriously???? is he crazy?? old?? wasn't listening to me?? and if I was dating someone, does he really think I would dump them for $20.00?? $100.00 maaaaybe, but not $20.00.

i should have pretended to call someone and made $20.00 out of the deal.

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Erica's response to this whole thing:

E: did you ask him how the paint chip buffet was at lunch??

E: dude. $20 bucks to break up with a guy you've never met!

E: you gotta call him back

E: say, ok gramps. i'm a little short on cash. i'll break up with him for $50

Ronald McDonald is my Pimp

2006-03-06T14:18:00.000-06:00

Sarah, Kelly and I went up to State this past weekend. We had an amazing time. There was a lot of randomness, but three of the funnier moments were these:

~Sarah and I had Izzone tickets and were waiting in line outside the Breslin. The people in front of us kept making out and groping each other, and then let their friends cut in line. (One friend looked like Mr. Ed, and the other was wearing PINK leather boots with stiletto heal, to a BASKETBALL GAME!!) Sarah Tobie was about to throw down. She was PISSED! "If they get lower bowl seats and we don't, I might kill the bitches" (HEY!! Cut us some slack, we rolled into the E.L. at 5am and up by 9:00.)

So as we make it in they announce that there are no more lower bowl tickets, and we were pissed b/c Mrs. Ed (girl with big teeth) and her slutty friend got the last two. Then this guy goes, "I HAVE 2 LEFT!" Sarah LEAPS across the line and gets them. I mean I was impressed. So we ended up 6 rows off the court. I mean perfect viewing! It was tons of fun, and it was all made possible by the Toe being pissed off and ready to kill for those tickets.

~on Sunday morning we woke up, lounged for a bit and then went to Dirty Breakfast. For those of you who don't know, Dirty Breakfast is when you go out to eat breakfast at Theo's (or any place that serves it 24-7) and you are still in pj'ss or lounging clothes, only brush your teeth and wash your face..NO SHOWERS OR MAKEUP!! I put on powder, so I cheat a bit.

So Dave, Kelly, Sarah, Kennice and I are at dirty breakfast and we order. When its my turn the waitress ask if I want White, Wheat or Rye toast. I proceed to stare at hedidn'tke I didn't understand the question. Everyone laughs., and I order wheat. Then I go "SORRY!! I was waiting for her to say Texas didn'twhen she didn't I got all thrown off. So DB went off without to many more problems.

~On ourdecide home we deiced to stop in Indiana to get use the washroom, so stopped at a McDonalds. Now, you have to know what we looked like in order for this to be really funny.

Sarah: Black Adidas pants, green State sweatshirt, flip flops. She looks tired and has a cold. Hair is a little messy.

Kelly: Black lounging pants, gray State sweatshirt, flip flops. She also looks tired, messy hair, etc.

Me: Black fay-lo pants, pink long sleeve top, hair pulled back, bags under my eyes and flip flops. I look dead tired and hung over.

Before we left Sarah wanted some nuggets, so she got in line and Kelly and I stood back by the ketchup. While we waited I leaned against the wall and closed my eyes in the I'm hung over and need to go to bed look.

As we were waiting this guy kept checking us out, but never said anything. Just kept staring, and nodding his head.

So as we were leaving he says "bye ladies." Kelly says nothing and Sarah and I are like "bye." (Kelly says it was a cutesy voice, I say it was just my voice)

Then he goes: "Damn girl(s), you sure lookin good today."

Ok, he was either blind, drunk or lying, b/c we hadn'tlook hit. I mean we hadn't showered yet and I know I just looked hung over. I had that "I have only slept for 4 hrs in 3 days and I just want to go home and sleep for 6 years" look. There is no way any of us looked good. Are the girls that bad in Indiana?? I mean if he was serious, that was a huge complement and I need to start dating black men.

I got home safely after that and I laid around for a bit. As always, going back home to State was so much fun and made me happy. I loved seeing Kennice and the boys. I could have done without Kevin licking his finger and then sticking it in my eye, but his mother probably dropped him as a kid or let him eat pain chips so I will excuse that.

I Love the 80's!!!

2006-03-02T15:43:00.000-06:00

Here are some pictures from our 80's party! I took them off Jen's facebook page. I will add more as I get them.

Remember kids say no to wine cooler, flippy cup, crimped hair and fun dip for these reasons:

fun ariel view!!
yeah these two are badass...
. Jess getting in touch with her 1983 self.
rock out!!! yeah we're cool!!! yuuumm fun dip!
i wear my sun glasses at night!!
her face is somwhere under all the hair!

ass wednesday

2006-03-02T14:17:00.000-06:00

So yesterday was Ash Wednesday, however, I insisted on calling (well typing it) it ass wednesday. Not on purpose, but probably due to the insane amount of paint chips I was fed as a child. (THANKS MOM!!!)

So like all good Catholics, I went to church last night with roommate in order to get our ashes and cut down on the amount of time we will spend in purgatory.

The church was packed and roommate and I ended up in the back, me on a folding chair and her standing about 3 feet away.

Normally during mass roommate and I will nudge each other or give each other looks when the priest says something that hits home or reminds us of something. Well during the homily Father said something and I looked over in roommate's direction to catch her eye with the "yep...we're screwed" look and I notice something.

Roommate is NOT meeting my gaze, but she is SCAMING ON A GUY!!!! So, I look at the object in question and yeah he's a cutie, but come on. Jesus did not die for our sins so you could scam out blue sweater guy. However, then I notice blue sweater guy's mudgy brother...and yes...he's hottie too. So I begin scamming.

Then I realize that maybe its ok to be scamming on blue sweater guy and mudgy brother, because isn't it better to meet a guy in church then in the bar? At least there is a chance he'll wait until the second date before trying to get in your pants. Then again we are Catholics, and nothing says "kinky sex fiend" like growing up Roman Catholic.

The scamming is interrupted suddenly by the apparent exorcism being conducted on the 2 year old in front of roommate. (as some know....roommate is about as child friendly as a dirty heroin needle) When I look up blue sweater guy, mudgy brother, roommate and I all have the same look on our faces. The one that reads "and that's why god invented Birth Control."

As we were leaving church after mass roommate informed me that while the little daring was laying on the ground kicking and screaming she had the strong urge to pierce his skull with her pointy heal.

roommate is going to make a great mom.

As we're walking home we get stopped by a guy with the cutest little puppy. As I am petting the little darling (the dog NOT the guy......perverts) and getting big sloppy puppy kisses, roommate is telling this guy where the church is.

Notice roommate is talking to the guy (even if he's a little to old for us) and I am playing with the dog. Yeah I've got my priorities!!

So while yesterday might have started out as Ass Wednesday, no one got ass. Next time we see them, we better talk to blue sweater guy and mudgy brother and ignore the dog.